Lighthouse Way [Revision 2, 21 Sep 2007], Quatern (mused from Flash No.61) Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Stimulus: It was a tranquil sunny morning and we were strolling down a long stretch of beach. We stopped here and there to pick up shells and investigate the natural sea pools. It was special to be together. All of a sudden, I heard a groan…


_{Photograph Copyright © Lorraine M. Kanter}


Lighthouse Way

Our stroll beyond old Lighthouse Way
brought fresh perspectives to the bay,
where hand-picked shells from coastal pools
were cleansed by ocean’s azure jewels.

Incoming tides led us astray --
our stroll beyond old Lighthouse Way
became a blur of scarlet red
with every step that we had tread.

The safety of Nantucket Sound
was wrought by Satan’s underground.
Our stroll beyond old Lighthouse Way
became the news, and we - the prey.

Officials still dispute the tale
and claim it was that killer whale;
the ghosts keep truths and won't betray
our stroll -- beyond old Lighthouse Way.

<sub>Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter


Original:
Our stroll beyond old Lighthouse Way
brought fresh prospectors to the bay,
where hand-picked shells from coastal pools
were cleansed by summer’s azure jewels.

But then the tides lead us astray --
our stroll beyond old Lighthouse Way
became a blur of scarlet red
with every step that we had tread.

The safety of Nantucket Sound
was wrought by Satan’s underground.
Our stroll beyond old Lighthouse Way
became the news, and us - the prey.

Officials still dispute the tale
and claim it was that killer whale;
a fact or myth, we shan’t betray
our stroll -- beyond old Lighthouse Way.

Rev 2 change:
a fact or myth, we shan’t betray</sub>

This post has been edited by Cleo_Serapis: Sep 21 07, 10:35

Reason for edit: Rev 2, TY Sue, John and Cathy!

[heartsong7]

You've used the form to its best advantage in relating this whale of a tale.

some suggestions for meter and questions on meaning:

Our stroll beyond old Lighthouse Way
brought fresh prospectors to the bay, the meter is off to my ear. I think the main culprit is "PROS pec tors"
where hand-picked shells from coastal pools
were cleansed by summer’s azure jewels. I'm probably being dense, but what are summer's azure jewels? The waves?

But then the tides lead us astray -- "but then" is fillerish. maybe "incoming tides'
our stroll beyond old Lighthouse Way
became a blur of scarlet red
with every step that we had tread. Does this mean you were walking through blood?

The safety of Nantucket Sound
was wrought by Satan’s underground. What is Satan's underground?
Our stroll beyond old Lighthouse Way
became the news, and us - the prey. I think you want...and we, the prey.

Officials still dispute the tale
and claim it was that killer whale;
a fact or myth, we shan’t betray
our stroll -- beyond old Lighthouse Way. I'm afraid I'm not getting what happened... a mutilated body on the beach? perhaps the remnants of a whale's meal? Inquiring minds want to know!

awaiting enlightenment,
Sue

[JLY]

Lori,
Is this something you experienced on your recent vacation?

This line confuses me....

were cleansed by summer’s azure jewels. If you are referring to the ocean as one entity, then it should be jewel, however, if you are referencing waters or waves, then jewels would work.

And the question would be...are the jewels only azure in the Summer or can they be azure in the Fall, Winter, and Spring?

Overall, I enjoyed this view of your recent shoreline jaunt.

JLY

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Lori,

Is this one of your vacation get-a-ways? I love the quatern and the rhyme and rhythm here is pleasing and smooth.

A few thoughts follow...

Cathy


Our stroll beyond old Lighthouse Way
brought fresh prospectors to the bay,
where hand-picked shells from coastal pools
were cleansed by summer’s azure jewels.

Maybe 'ocean's azure jewels' or 'liquid azure jewels'?

But then the tides lead us astray --
our stroll beyond old Lighthouse Way
became a blur of scarlet red
with every step that we had tread.

I'm assuming you mean that the water had turned red and was filling in the footsteps you had made in the sand.

The safety of Nantucket Sound
was wrought by Satan’s underground.
Our stroll beyond old Lighthouse Way
became the news, and us - the prey.

Should 'us' be 'we'?

Officials still dispute the tale
and claim it was that killer whale;
a fact or myth, we shan’t betray
our stroll -- beyond old Lighthouse Way.

[b]An ocean of mystery... how delicious! LOL

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Sue.

Thanks for your kind words, whale-of-a-tale.

You wrote: brought fresh prospectors to the bay, the meter is off to my ear. I think the main culprit is "PROS pec tors" Yes, I had changed that word a few times when penning this one, it was perspectives, does that work better? I m trying to convey that old thoughts are tossed away and being new to the osland, brings a fresh perspective.

were cleansed by summer’s azure jewels. I'm probably being dense, but what are summer's azure jewels? The waves? Yes, I had ocean's azure jewels and will most likely go back to that one, thanks!

But then the tides lead us astray -- "but then" is fillerish. maybe "incoming tides' Now THAT works so much better, thanks for the suggested change I will be making!

with every step that we had tread. Does this mean you were walking through blood? Yes, there had been some event that occurred in the water (think 'Jaws') and now the blood is washing ashore and as the couple walks, it is obvious to them something evil lurked there.

was wrought by Satan’s underground. What is Satan's underground? This is introducing evil. Underground to relate people/animals of evil intentions, like underground gangs that changed the 'safe' environment the couple thought they had.

became the news, and us - the prey. I think you want...and we, the prey. Yes, thank you!

our stroll -- beyond old Lighthouse Way. I'm afraid I'm not getting what happened... a mutilated body on the beach? perhaps the remnants of a whale's meal? Inquiring minds want to know! I left the ending open, I see it as the two get murdered, who now take their stroll faithfully as ghosts, because that was their last act in life. A whale (or gang) has murdered them and they forever walk Lighthouse Way.

Thanks for stopping in Sue!
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello John.

Glad you enjoyed this one! We are going to Nantucket tomorrow for 2 nights, so I was envisioning that trip when I wrote this yesterday as inspiration. I hoep to have more poems/stories when I return with some pics as well.

were cleansed by summer’s azure jewels. If you are referring to the ocean as one entity, then it should be jewel, however, if you are referencing waters or waves, then jewels would work.
And the question would be...are the jewels only azure in the Summer or can they be azure in the Fall, Winter, and Spring?

I am referring to the water/waves and will change it back to 'ocean's' there. Thanks for pointing that out!

Thanks so much for stopping by!
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Cathy.

Glad you enjoyed - I must thank you for posting your Quatern as it inspired me to write this in that form. Although, I must admit, I wish I had a 5th stanza to work in as I think it would have made it less confusing. I just made it up yesterday morning, but the inspiration came as we are really traveling to Nantucket tomorrow for my birthday for 2 nights. Hope this doesn't become reality, LOL!

were cleansed by summer’s azure jewels. Maybe 'ocean's azure jewels' or 'liquid azure jewels'? Agreed, and so have Sue and John mentioned this so I'll be changing it back - I had that originally, go figure.

But then the tides lead us astray --
our stroll beyond old Lighthouse Way
became a blur of scarlet red
with every step that we had tread.
I'm assuming you mean that the water had turned red and was filling in the footsteps you had made in the sand.

Yes, there had been killings in the ocean and the remnants have just washed ashore.

became the news, and us - the prey. Should 'us' be 'we'? Yes, I will be changing that - TY!

An ocean of mystery... how delicious! LOL

Thanks Cathy, yes, I'm into the idea of these two being ghosts to forever walk that Way and the island police saying it was a whale, but was it really?

Cheers
~Cleo

[JLY]

Lori,
Please post photos...looking forward to seeing some nice scenery to brighten my days.
JLY

[Cleo_Serapis]

Will do John - most likely over in the gallery forum.

[Psyche]

I love this one, Lori! You've already had wonderful suggestions and revised, so I'll only say that perhaps there should be some hint that these are actually 'ghosts' walking by the ocean. The meaning would be clearer, but perhaps you don't wish that? IMO, they don't sound like ghosts at all, just ordinary people, altho' one does realize the truth in the end, after a few reads... me, dim?! haha.... :-)
Great imagery and metaphors! You don't need pics here!!!
Sylvia

Lighthouse Way

Our stroll beyond old Lighthouse Way
brought fresh perspectives to the bay,
where hand-picked shells from coastal pools
were cleansed by ocean’s azure jewels.

Good idea, this change to ocean.

Incoming tides lead us astray -- Shouldn't it be 'led' instead of 'lead'?
our stroll beyond old Lighthouse Way
became a blur of scarlet red
with every step that we had tread.

The safety of Nantucket Sound
was wrought by Satan’s underground.
Our stroll beyond old Lighthouse Way
became the news, and we - the prey.

Officials still dispute the tale
and claim it was that killer whale;
a fact or myth, we shan’t betray
our stroll -- beyond old Lighthouse Way.

Perhaps L3:
fact or myth, we wraiths shan't betray
our stroll -- beyond old Lighthouse Way.

Toss or use!!
Thanks for great entertainment!
Sylvia

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Sylvia,

Thanks for stopping in and your nod on 'ocean's' too.

Perhaps that is what is missing? A hint that they're ghosts/phantoms/spirits/specters in the closing...

Oh my! I think you're right, it should be 'led'. I'll be making that change.

Hmmm - perhaps:

Officials still dispute the tale
and claim it was that killer whale;
a fact or myth, souls shan’t betray
our stroll -- beyond old Lighthouse Way.

If I change it, one might not guess it's them and that's OK too - it could be they're still alive and among the spirits whenever they walk that Way ?

Food for thought!

Thankies.
~Cleo

[Psyche]

Hi Lori!
I really don't feel like working today! Translating can be such a bore...
I liked your first choice, spirits, because one often calls 'real people' souls (as in 'poor souls'), whereas spirits is clearer, IMO....
Whatever you decide, it's looking really cool!
Sylvia

Hmmm - perhaps:

Officials still dispute the tale
and claim it was that killer whale;
a fact or myth, souls shan’t betray
our stroll -- beyond old Lighthouse Way.

If I change it, one might not guess it's them and that's OK too - it could be they're still alive and among the spirits whenever they walk that Way ?

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Sylvia,

I wish I knew HOW to translate, LOL!

Hmmm - how about this option below?
in truth, these spirits shan’t betray

So it would look like:

Officials still dispute the tale
and claim it was that killer whale;
in truth, these spirits shan’t betray
our stroll -- beyond old Lighthouse Way.

~Cleo

[heartsong7]

Nice revising, Lori. 'perspectives' is better not only for meter but for meaning as well.
I'm stll wondering how the ghosts come in, though. If you hadn't mentioned it in your reply, I would not have seen that as part of you intent. I know you want to retain some mystery but how about a hint like:
"the ghosts keep truths and won't betray
our stroll -- beyond old Lighthouse Way."
justathought
Sue

[AMETHYST]

Wow Lori,

This poem really highlights that beautiful photo of the lighthouse you showed me and you've captured the mystery and bewilderment of such beauty. What I loved about this was the opening stanza depicts a serene and quietude of nature - and how S2, swiftly makes a moving turn toward the haunting feel of unknown - I did wonder what happened on first read to make the change to red and the mysterious occurance however found the lack of knowing worked best to allow the reader some wild ideas of my mind.

What more can I say that might even give applause to this piece and its revision? I dont know ... but I will go through stanza to stanza with commentary.

Again this is absolutely powerful --

Hugs, Liz

Lighthouse Way

Our stroll beyond old Lighthouse Way
brought fresh perspectives to the bay,
where hand-picked shells from coastal pools
were cleansed by ocean’s azure jewels.

This is a lovely opening stanza. The motion of the narrator and her/his companion (noted by our) brings the scenery to life. The sense of antiquated landscaping, of sea worthy imagery is impeccable. Especially brightened by such images as 'azure jewels' No nits.

Incoming tides led us astray --
our stroll beyond old Lighthouse Way
became a blur of scarlet red
with every step that we had tread.

Very interesting turn about... I love the contrast set between S1 and S2 - The only thought I had and it might be a weak one is L1, instead of incoming tides, perhaps upsurging tides.

Like the end rhyme red/tread ... smooth and unintrusive.

The safety of Nantucket Sound
was wrought by Satan’s underground.
Our stroll beyond old Lighthouse Way
became the news, and we - the prey.

This passage got a little icky for me, as I thought 'Satan' felt like a horror movie and wanted something more haunting and less 'satanic' ... something that would leave the reader with a sense of ghostlyness ...

Perhaps ...
evil which insinuates satan or devilish tidings, but leaves just enough room for other imaginations... I suppose Satan's/sound is a nice alliteration though -

Officials still dispute the tale
and claim it was that killer whale;
a fact or myth, we shan’t betray
our stroll -- beyond old Lighthouse Way.

LOVE THIS ENDING! :) Excellent poem!

Hugs, Liz

[AMETHYST]

PS I didn't read any of the replies and/or responses prior to my comments, but I just read Sue's last comment and LOVE her idea of including that 'ghost's won't betray, it makes a lot more sense and fills in more of that ghost/haunting sensation that Nantucket is believed to have...


Hugs ,Liz

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Sue,

Ooh, thank you! I guess I should of stuck with my first 'perspective', LOL! I like your suggestion for the closing as well to 'hinting' at the mystery but including 'ghosts' and might adopt it.

"the ghosts keep truths and won't betray
our stroll -- beyond old Lighthouse Way."

Thanks so much! I've just posted a pic I took while there...
~Cleo

[Mary Boren]

Enchanting, Lori -- both photo and poem. I enjoyed seeing its metamorphosis. Only remaining problem I see is that the past tense of tread is trod, which messes up your red rhyme. Luckily it's an easy one to replace, though.

I may be scarce around here for a while longer.

Mary

[Lady Poet]

Greetings Lori!

My first review of your work. I'm really impressed. I have no crit, Sue covered all I would have made and then some. I found the initial set up, "stimulis" I believe you called it, and then your presentation superb! This was an "Orca/Jaws meets the couple in House On The Hill" and I just loved it! A fan of well done horror and of poetry this combination is an undeniable treat for me. The only thing missing was the popcorn. I looooooooooooved the metaphor for waves, or water, "ocean's azure jewels'! What evocative imagery to start this little masterpiece off with. Hellish visions and delicious shivers accompanied your "Satan's Underground" which loosed a sense of pervasive evil in otherwise normal settings. "...and claim it was that killer whale..." is what led me to think of the movie Orca. Beautiful work Lori and this close to Halloween a timely one. I declare this--Brilliant!