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> Attempting a Portrait, Free-verse and art work
Ali zonak
post Aug 9 17, 19:35
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Real Name: Ali Zonak
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Attached File  OilPortrait_9_06.jpg ( 225.42K ) Number of downloads: 3


Attempting a Portrait

Your hair is soft. Gossamer would feel coarse
against my cheeks. Your locks, splendidly fine,
would throw fair Venus into fits of jealousy
By daylight, when you are awake, I must
attempt to paint your portrait in oil, but I know
that once again my skills shall fail me.
Do I render this flower in radiant colors to achieve
such lovely bloom? Still, I should have failed
to do you justice. Paint those parting lips?
Ah! I must touch them and look into your eyes—
eyes that enhance your features, like the stars
that serve to beautify heaven. But you are asleep.


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Eisa
post Aug 11 17, 14:04
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Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Hi Ali,

I am presuming that you painted the beautiful portrait? You are so talented!

On first read I can see nothing much to nit-pick in your lovely poem, which is a great match to the picture..


Your hair is soft. Gossamer would feel coarse
against my cheeks. Your locks, splendidly fine,
would throw fair Venus into fits of jealousy
By daylight, when you are awake, I must
attempt to paint your portrait in oil, but I know
that once again my skills shall fail me.
Do I render this flower in radiant colors to achieve
such lovely bloom? Still, I should have failed Perhaps 'still' could be deleted for conciseness?
to do you justice. Paint those parting lips?
Ah! I must touch them and look into your eyes—
eyes that enhance your features, like the stars
that serve to beautify heaven. But you are asleep.

I found the ending a little abrupt (but not in a bad way) Perhaps change to 'A pity you are asleep'

Take or toss, Ali - that might just be me. A beautiful poem & picture. I enjoyed.

Eira


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Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Ali zonak
post Aug 11 17, 14:31
Post #3


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From: Arizona, USA
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Real Name: Ali Zonak
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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QUOTE (Eisa @ Aug 11 17, 15:04 ) *
Hi Ali,

I am presuming that you painted the beautiful portrait? You are so talented!

On first read I can see nothing much to nit-pick in your lovely poem, which is a great match to the picture..


Your hair is soft. Gossamer would feel coarse
against my cheeks. Your locks, splendidly fine,
would throw fair Venus into fits of jealousy
By daylight, when you are awake, I must
attempt to paint your portrait in oil, but I know
that once again my skills shall fail me.
Do I render this flower in radiant colors to achieve
such lovely bloom? Still, I should have failed Perhaps 'still' could be deleted for conciseness?
to do you justice. Paint those parting lips?
Ah! I must touch them and look into your eyes—
eyes that enhance your features, like the stars
that serve to beautify heaven. But you are asleep.

I found the ending a little abrupt (but not in a bad way) Perhaps change to 'A pity you are asleep'

Take or toss, Ali - that might just be me. A beautiful poem & picture. I enjoyed.

Eira



Hi Eira;
I like your suggestion "A pity . . . ."
For me, creating a perfect ending is about as difficult as adding the final touch to a painting--which in this case was my signature. I took a photo of my old painting before even adding my signature to it. Yes, it's mine, only one of several. It is of sentimental value to me. Thank you for reading my poem and your suggestion. charliebrown.gif Ali


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It is a poem’s absolute perfection that can lead to its imperfection.
~~~~
 
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Psyche
post Oct 1 17, 02:22
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Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn
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Hi Ali,
I've come over for a visit after a long time.
And I've been fortunate in finding this lovely painting, as well as what appears to be a true love poem.
Beautifully achieved, both of them.
The ending sounds sad, I don't know whether "asleep" may mean that this beautiful lady has passed away... After all, she would awaken and could be painted then.

Never mind, I've probably opened my mouth and put my foot in it. Please forgive.

So glad you shared these two sentimental works of art with us.

Best wishes,
Syl*** butterfly.gif


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Patagonian poet

Poemas Patagonicos y Naturaleza



"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Ali zonak
post Oct 5 17, 14:12
Post #5


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From: Arizona, USA
Member No.: 5,325
Real Name: Ali Zonak
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:none



QUOTE (Psyche @ Oct 1 17, 03:22 ) *

Hi Ali,
I've come over for a visit after a long time.
And I've been fortunate in finding this lovely painting, as well as what appears to be a true love poem.
Beautifully achieved, both of them.
The ending sounds sad, I don't know whether "asleep" may mean that this beautiful lady has passed away... After all, she would awaken and could be painted then.

Never mind, I've probably opened my mouth and put my foot in it. Please forgive.

So glad you shared these two sentimental works of art with us.

Best wishes,
Syl*** butterfly.gif


Pleased to see you again, Sylvia'
yes, I wrote that poem in one of my sentimental moments--or should I say, a moment of deepest appreciation of my wife and the many joyful years we have spent together. We both are well--although I just got out of the hospital due to a complicated upper respiratory infection from which I'm recovering splendidly. Thank you for your lovely comment, Sylvia.
Ali


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It is a poem’s absolute perfection that can lead to its imperfection.
~~~~
 
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