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O weeping muse
you make me fall
through a thick misty river;
the tundra where my poems gather.
…Madness enters through the wind
like the jolt of a wild animal
rising from a spasm.


Mmm... I think my muse is weeping too.

I notice you have 2 through's repeated in close proximity

you make me fall
through a thick misty river

Madness enters through the wind

I think perhaps this might sound better:

you make me fall
into a thick misty river

or perhaps

Madness enters with/on the wind



O my first dead,
what winter squall
carries my disordered
pages, the shroud of tears
we will inhabit,
the grave where all spit
their epitaphs?

Does - which winter squall sound better? I'm not sure. Anyway - take or toss anything I have said. It's very good to read you again.

Snow

revision #2

Madness


Weeping muse <<<<I think an exclamation mark or else 3 suspense dots would attract the reader in. TorT!

you make me fall
into a thick misty river;<<<<< comma, so as to flow better.
the tundra where my poems gather.

Madness enters with the wind; <<<< 'on the wind' is more poetic, I think Eisa suggested that already.

the jolt of a wild animal
thrashing from a spasm,
its eyes seek mine. comma, and then maybe drop down a line and qualify the event, with a word like wretchedly, 'in despair' or 'forlorn'. TorT.

Like this:

the jolt of a wild animal
thrashing from a spasm,
its eyes seek mine
in despair. (or something similar, to finish your idea)


My first dead, <<<<< maybe a dash after dead. Or else as before 'O my first dead!' I like the second choice.
which winter squall <<<<<<Then capitalize Which, where your question starts.
carries my disordered pages,
the shroud of tears we will inhabit,
the grave site where all spit <<<<<gravesite is one word.
their epitaphs.<<<<<<Question mark, as in your original version.


Sergio, this is a splendid poem. Profound. I like the questioning finale. Perhaps Lori will allow me to nominate it for the IBPC competition, if you agree?
Cheers,
Syl***



Revision thanks to Eisa


O weeping muse
you make me fall
into a thick misty river;
the tundra where my poems gather.
…Madness enters with the wind,
the jolt of a wild animal
thrashing from a spasm,
his eyes seek mine.

O my first dead,
which winter squall
carries my disordered pages,
the shroud of tears we will inhabit,
the grave where all spit
their epitaphs?





Original

O weeping muse
you make me fall
through a thick misty river;
the tundra where my poems gather.
…Madness enters through the wind
like the jolt of a wild animal
rising from a spasm.

O my first dead,
what winter squall
carries my disordered
pages, the shroud of tears
we will inhabit,
the grave where all spit
their epitaphs?

Thank you Sylvia. I am honored.

Sergio