Mighty Weapons Options

[Guest_Nina_*]

Mighty Weapons

Poison tipped arrows
rip through the air,
hitting the target
with deadly accuracy;
venom grips the heart,
slowly crushing life.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina,

What a brilliant concise poem for Valentine's. Cupid The Assassin! That’s the first and foremost image I take from this.

Also an interesting take on South American hunters.

Also a clever title - I thought of missiles fifty feet high - but these arrows are as deadly to the individual.

I think your choice of words great. I’ve played with the punctuation briefly - thought it could be improved but I can’t see how.

I like the impersonal tone. No sentimentality; no compassion. Just straight reporting.

I read an article by a US reporter about a bomb in Iraq a couple of weeks ago. I wrote to him with the same appreciation as my previous paragraph, above. He wrote back and was delighted. he and I agreed that a greater effect is obtained that way. Your poem does have that great effect.

Well done.

James.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi James

What a brilliant concise poem for Valentine's. Cupid The Assassin! That’s the first and foremost image I take from this.
That wasn't in my mind when I wrote the poem but I like the idea, especially if Cupid was a black silhouette.

Also an interesting take on South American hunters.
perhaps I should put a footnote on the poem saying I have nothing against South American hunters, just incase I ever decide to visit South America.

Also a clever title - I thought of missiles fifty feet high - but these arrows are as deadly to the individual.
Thank you.  Some weapons can be thought of as not having much power or impact but they can be deadly to the individual aimed at.

I think your choice of words great. I’ve played with the punctuation briefly - thought it could be improved but I can’t see how.


I like the impersonal tone. No sentimentality; no compassion. Just straight reporting.
thanks again

Nina

[Guest_Cathy_*]

No suggestions here!  I think you've hit the nail right on the head!

Very powerful!

Cathy~

[Guest_Don_*]

I miss simile and metaphore.


Don

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Cathy

No suggestions here!  I think you've hit the nail right on the head!

Very powerful!

Thank you.  Your words mean a lot to me.

Nina

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Don

I miss simile and metaphore.

I apologise because I have obviously failed in getting my meaning across.  The poem is metaphoric.  If you replace arrows with words you may have a better understanding of what I am trying to say.  Or am I misinterpreting your comment completely in which case I will go and crawl into the nearest hole.

Nina

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Nina,

The shorter a piece the easier for reader to conjure extraneous images and meanings.  My imagination runs rampant; therefore, a couple of metaphors stand based on the entire composition intended as metaphor.

Though perfectly possible, I was not expecting the entire verse to be a metaphor.  Please accept my apology, and for goodness sake don't hide in any holes.  

Dart a poison glance at me, the target, and I will arrow away.

Don :)

[JustDaniel]

Hey, Nina

This is a powerful metaphor that did NOT miss the mark... as indicated by the variety of responses, seeing DIFFERENT things QUITE CLEARLY.  You've given an emotional image that allows the reader to feel the impact... and in differing ways.  ANY poem that does that is a success, in my view.

I merely offer these punctuation (or line break) suggestions:

Mighty Weapons

Poison tipped arrows
rip through the air(
[ a comma would be correct; an apostrophe is a dead stop, and even though of course the arrow made a dead stop, your line break seems to me sufficient, needing no punctuation.  If you wanted to emphasize the dull thud of the arrow, perhaps a double line break ]
hitting the target
with deadly accuracy;
venom grips the heart(
[exactly the same comment as above]
slowly crushing life.

Poison tipped arrows
rip through the air

hitting the target
with deadly accuracy;
venom grips the heart

slowly
crushing
life.

avoiding even a Light glance from such a missile, Daniel

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Don

No problem and I definitely won't be darting any poison glances your way.



Nina

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Daniel

This is a powerful metaphor that did NOT miss the mark... as indicated by the variety of responses, seeing DIFFERENT things QUITE CLEARLY.  You've given an emotional image that allows the reader to feel the impact... and in differing ways.  ANY poem that does that is a success, in my view.

Thank you for saying that.  I did worry when I posted this, that I would miss the mark so I am very glad that people have felt and been able to relate to it.

Thanks for your suggestions on punctuation and I will change it.  I think I prefer the alteration in punctuation to the line breaks.

Nina

[JustDaniel]

I do like to SHOW rather than tell suggestions.

That way the author can SEE and FEEL whether it fits their intent.  Suggestions are merely THAT... looks from a slightly different perspective to help the author to decide whether they're already where they want to be.  Wrenching us out of our comort zone often shows us that the comfort zone isn't a bad place... Sometimes it the RIGHT place... but we sometimes don't know till we go out and look in the window at the empty seat!

sheddin' some Light in the corner, Daniel  :sun: