Beating the Blues...revised w/ thanx, ballad Options

[heartsong7]

December, and the trees are bare;
their leaves lie on the ground.
Midsummer green and Autumn gold
are now a crumpled brown.

Here, squabbling squirrels gather nuts
to stash for scarcer times
and flocks of geese have flown away
to balmy southern climes.

As days grow shorter, cold and gray,
I spend more time inside
til sluggishness comes creeping in
and leaves me stupified.

The crispest days bring bright sunshine
to light my blues away
and bundled up against the chill
I hike outside all day.

But when my nose hairs start to freeze,
I know it's time to go
to join those geese who flew away
down where the "Snowbirds" go.


Beating the Blues

November and the trees are bare;
their leaves lie on the ground.
Midsummer's greens and Fall's bright hues
are now a crumpled brown.

Small critters scurry here and there
preparing for scant times
and flocks of geese have flown away
to balmy southern climes.

As days grow shorter, cold and gray,
I spend more time inside.
A sluggishness comes creeping in;
I strive to override.

The coldest days bring bright sunshine
to light the blues away.
I bundle up against the chill
and walk outside each day.

But when I feel my nose hairs freeze,
I know it's time to go
to join those geese who flew away
down where the "Snow Birds" go.

[Guest_Xanadu_*]

This was a nice little poem. My one crit is that I would have liked to see a turn of phrase or two to give it some shine.

[heartsong7]

Hello Linda,
I appreciate that you took the time to read and comment on this little poem. It would be helpful if you could explain what you mean by 'turn of phrase', especially since this is the 2nd time you've referenced the lack of such in my work.
Sue

[jgdittier]

Dear Heartsong,
Funny how this piece fits the moniker, Heartsong. It does not elevate its reader to great heights through eloquence but rather shares with him your daydream of wintering in the sunny south.
I'm sure that every poet, when he writes a piece, could list the goals he has for it. If his readers meet those goals, then the poem is a success.
This one, I doubt, was intended to impress, rather to share a wistful thought and, at least in my case, has succeeded.
Cheers, Ron jgd

[heartsong7]

Morning Ron,

This one, I doubt, was intended to impress, rather to share a wistful thought

Yes, that's it in a nutshell.

and, at least in my case, has succeeded.

I'm glad to know that and I thank you for saying so.
I hope you and your family have a wonderful Thanksgiving.
Best,
Sue

[Merlin]

Hello Snowbird,

A nice ballad. The main features are present, good opening, language fits the form, etc.

V1L1 - I'd place a comma after November to break it from the "and".
V1L3 - Fall as a season doesn't rate a cap.

V3L2 - if you wanted to eliminate 1 "I", invert the line to " more time is spent inside."
V3L4 - I keep wanting to know what you're overriding (transitive). Would you consider striving to keep in stride?

V4L2 - would you consider a different verb, a 2 sillybill one and scrap "the"? Flitter, scatter, scurry, hurry, bury, hustle, bustle, muscle, or other.

V5 - I used to crosscountry ski, years ago. My mustache would have long icicles on it from the warm breath.
Snowbirds is a single word here. The year I was up in the Arctic, I saw the little fellas up there - snow and ice all around, and these guys.

There tis

Merlin

[jgdittier]

Dear Heartsong,
I read all the comments of my fellow posters before I comment. Having just read Merlin's, his repulsion to the pronoun, I, becomes obvious. I've tried to avoid accepting taboos re R&M style poetry/verse and so suggest that in this case I rather like the multiple "I"s. They seem to me to make the verse more personal, in keeping with my earlier comment that your piece here seems not to be targeted to impress, but rather just to express your thoughts.
When I first read your piece, I felt you were talking directly to me, a personal message. The "I"s just sounded more natural.
It surely would be nice to get comments from others as to their response to the "I"s.
As to the other Merlin suggestions, both La and Il approve.
(La and Il are my two muses, La committed to verse, Il more to serious poetry.)
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Guest_Don_*]

The overuse of pronoun "I" escaped my notice. Perhaps my distraction was that all November leaves had fallen; whereas, outside my Ohio window a great many remain aloft.

Small critters scurry here and there
Strickout is redundant filler like a speaker umming and awing.

Thanks for this gentle poem agreeing with my wearing a sweater today to stave off this seasonal chill in northern hemisphere.

Don

[heartsong7]

A nice ballad. The main features are present, good opening, language fits the form, etc.

Good, I'm glad you think so.

V1L1 - I'd place a comma after November to break it from the "and".

will do

V1L3 - Fall as a season doesn't rate a cap

. yes, you're right.

V3L2 - if you wanted to eliminate 1 "I", invert the line to " more time is spent inside

I'll think on that, but my first reaction is that I'm not likely to say 'more time is spent inside' in converstation.

V3L4 - I keep wanting to know what you're overriding (transitive). Would you consider striving to keep in stride?

override refers to what I want to do to the sluggishness. That might be clarified if I remove the semi-colon? I do like 'stride' though.

V4L2 - would you consider a different verb, a 2 sillybill one and scrap "the"? Flitter, scatter, scurry, hurry, bury, hustle, bustle, muscle, or other.

I see where you're going there...adding imagery... but 'light the blues away' is crucial here to emphasize that it's the lack of light that contributes to the blues.

Good to have your nudgelings, Merlin. Thank you.
seeya,
Sue

Hi Ron,
I appreciate your further thoughts on this.
re:

The "I"s just sounded more natural.

Since I do intend this to have a conversational feel, I agree that the I's are more natural. Still, I do like to keep them few and far between.
I'm glad to know you enjoyed.
cheers to you,
Sue

Hi Don,

my distraction was that all November leaves had fallen; whereas, outside my Ohio window a great many remain aloft.

Where in Ohio are you? I live just east of Cincinnati. There are a few hangers-on here too, but they'll be long gone before the end of November. Originally, I had 'December' heading it off... maybe that would be better.

Small critters scurry here and there
Strickout is redundant filler like a speaker umming and awing.

I don't understand...
Do you mean that 'here and there' is redundant when attached to 'scurry'?
Since scurry means hurry, don't I need to say where they're scurrying to? some hurry here, some hurry there, those critters scurry everywhere.
I thank you for sharing your observations and nudging me to further considerations.
Take care,
Sue

[heartsong7]

Many thanks to all the 'common taters' who nudged me to polish this a bit.
Hopefully, I've added a 'turn of phrase' or two to 'give it some shine'.
I changed Nov. to Dec. and fall to Autumn.
Cut some I's
and found a sub for 'scurry here and there'
Revision posted.
Sue

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear Heartsong7,

We reside in Greenville, which may be due north of you on highway 127. I am surprised we have more leaves above being significantly north. The "here and there" is implied by "scurry." My real issue is these words are not good choices. They are like "so" and "be." They fill the bill, but you impress me as a tad better poet for word choice.

Don :)

[heartsong7]

Dear Don...
I missed your last reply while working on the revision.
I know Greenville... yes it's a bit north of us. We've had some significant rain and wind recently (after a long summer drought)which may account for the leaves leaving these parts so soon.
Anyway, I took your suggestions to heart and changed Nov. to Dec.
Also, you inspired me to find a much better choice for the 'scurry here and there' line.
Thank you again for sharing your insight... it was spot on.
Sue

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear Heartsong7,

I must chuckle. Leaves fall by accident of geography. Just because they are still on trees here this year in November doesn't mean they will be next year. I also made the error of thinking you said your residence is West of Cincy. I ate some lunch and came back to correct this error to find you already revisited.

Got to eat more lunch before reading your revision. Doubt that I'll have much to add to what others have.

Don

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Sue,

I very much enjoyed your poem! I have no nits as I find the entire piece a pleasing rhythmically and imagery-filled read with a great tie-in to the leaves theme.

My fav:
As days grow shorter, cold and gray,
I spend more time inside
til sluggishness comes creeping in
and leaves me stupified.

Those winter doldrums get to us all - but not for me til February or so (and then we go to Vegas to warm up).

Enjoyed!
~Cleo

[heartsong7]

Thank you kindly, Lori
S