Oranges*** Options

[danimik]

Behind the scent of orange peel,
a sickness masked
as if we can hide illness behind the gift
of citrus or grape.

Fixed underneath fingernails,
where we hang on too grimly
to the pain, scrubbed clean
with carbolic and failure.

The white of calcium deficiency
and ridges down the hardness of it,
Brittle, it cracks, breaks
against the flex of guitar strings

to the rasp of a wrong note.
He was not quite broken,
not quite frayed -
not quite...

and we remember the oranges,
their scent heavy through the window
that opened on his final room,
and the butterflies beyond

[posthumous]

what an array of beautiful and terrible. the fingers cracking on guitar strings. all the things i read on the wikipedia page for carbolic acid. and the butterflies beyond.

what songs you give us.

[Luce]

Wonderful Mike. As Don said, it's an "array of beautiful and terrible" imagery done well.

I always like to read poems about life events and what we remember about them - especially the little things - like the scent of oranges.


Behind the scent of orange peel,
a sickness masked
as if we can hide illness behind the gift
of citrus or grape.

Maybe pick another type of "visiting the sick" gift (balloons, flowers, candy) rather then pick another type of fruit. Personally, I always thought balloons were ridiculous as a hospital gift. It's probably because I associate it with parties and visiting someone in a hospital, hospice or their home (while they are recovering) is anything but a party.

Fixed underneath fingernails,
where we hang on too grimly
to the pain, scrubbed clean
with carbolic and failure.

Since the rest of the poem is about one particular person, I'm wondering if the "we" should be changed to "he". I'm not quite sure what is "fixed" underneath the fingernails. I'm wondering if you should use a more modern antiseptic then carbolic.
It use to be widely used up to the 70's (mainly in the 1900s and World Wars) but not anymore - well not in modern hospitals.

The white of calcium deficiency
and ridges down the hardness of it,
Brittle, it cracks, breaks
against the flex of guitar strings

I like the above stanza the best. It shows someone not well still trying to carry on normally. I also like how you used the alty brittle/breaks in a different way - not as a string - but to bookend the word cracks for greater sonic effect.

to the rasp of a wrong note.
He was not quite broken,
not quite frayed -
not quite...

Love this stanza. The repetition of "not quite" is perfect.

and we remember the oranges,

Maybe say "I" rather then "we". "I" makes it more of a remembrance of an individual rather then a group.

their scent heavy through the window
that opened on his final room,

I like the phrase "his final room". We don't necessarily like to think of hospital/hospice wards as rooms but they are. Of course I'm assuming this is a hospital visit and the N is not visiting someone in their home.

I'm wondering if you should choose another word then "heavy" to help describe the direction of the orange scent. Maybe "escaping" would be better.

and the butterflies beyond

Not sure about the butterfilies - may make it too "soap opera like" but I like the alty of butterfilies/beyond.

Luce

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, Mike... and a late welcome to MM.

I haven't made a habit of visiting in Serens for a long time until recently, so I missed your entry here. Hope you remember me from TCP. It's been a long time since I read you, but I've always been impressed by your work.

Don and Luce have said about all that I could at this point, though I'm not sure that I don't like the pronouns just as they are, personally. The only problem that I had was a couple of places with the punctuation and CAPS:

The first and second stanzas aren't a sentence, so I'd consider leaving off the periods? And I'm wondering why "Brittle" is capitalized?

I absolutely love your fourth stanza, and I think it's brilliant that the final stanza ends without a period.

I'll look forward to others' observations on your piece as I attempt to learn more in this venue... with your help perhaps when I try to pull something together again to post.

deLighting in your sharing, Daniel

[Eisa]

Hi Mike,

I like this - it kept my interest from beginning to end. Very thought provoking.

Fixed underneath fingernails,
where we hang on too grimly
to the pain, scrubbed clean
with carbolic and failure.

I feel' fixed underneath fingernails' should be made clearer as to what is fixed underneath fingernails

to the rasp of a wrong note.
He was not quite broken,
not quite frayed -
not quite...

Nice stanza

and we remember the oranges,
their scent heavy through the window
that opened on his final room,
and the butterflies beyond

Second line doesn't sound quite right, perhaps 'their scent is heavy .....'
Love 'the butterflies beyond'

Great read
Eira

[Critter]

Not too much that I can add to the comments made already. Strong write, good imagery.
Behind the scent of orange peel,
a sickness masked
as if we can hide illness behind the gift
of citrus or grape. good solid sound

Fixed underneath fingernails,
where we hang on too grimly maybe "as" for "where"
to the pain, scrubbed clean
with carbolic and failure.

The white of calcium deficiency
and ridges down the hardness of it,
Brittle, it cracks, breaks is the capital intentional?
against the flex of guitar strings

to the rasp of a wrong note. is "to" better than "in"?
He was not quite broken,
not quite frayed -
not quite...

and we remember the oranges,
their scent heavy through the window
that opened on his final room,
and the butterflies beyond

[RC James]

Mike - Truly a surreal and captivating read. Decay and its prevention of expression, calcium deficient nails cracking against guitarstrings, and the last stanza of relaease. Masterly, RC

[weaver]

Hi Mike
Good to still see you here! This is particularly moving since the death of Bowie, don't you think?
I love the first 3 stanzas, the 4th feels a bit less polished with the repeat of "not quite yet" and I'd like to play around with the last S as follows:

to the rasp of a wrong note.
He was not quite broken,
not quite frayed -
not quite... (not a fan of the ... I get what you're after but the repeat seems like it could be much stronger somehow)

There were butterflies beyond
that lit upon his finality. (not sure about 'room' here, finality is just a quick suggestion)
Heavy scent from the open window;
we remember the oranges.

I love 'we remember the oranges' it's such a strong line I feel it should be the final one somehow.
Lovely read!
Cheers
W