 Sum of Parts |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Poetry Forums > Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse  |
 Nov 11 15, 18:26
Post
#1
|
|
 Nomad  Posts: 32 Joined: 30-October 15 From: Canada Member No.: 5,277 Real Name: Deb Calverley Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Rhapsody  |
Maybe everyone is born with half a heart
curve of belly against curve of back soft lips pout against stiff upper lip smooth fingers soothe a furrowed brow loud thoughts need a whisper in the dark a political stance requires an at ease that which is empty deserves a good strong pour a shot of desire cancels all the lost years. |
  
|
|
|
Nov 12 15, 02:58
Post
#2
|
|
 Assyrian Posts: 248 Joined: 10-November 15 From: Sunny Florida Member No.: 5,293 Real Name: YC Writer of: Poetry Referred By:TCP |
Hey Weaver,
Don't see any asterisk next to the poem so I have to assume you want the crit to be very mild and general. Okay. My two cents: "Sum of Parts" /"Maybe everyone is born with half a heart". Not quite sure which title you want for your poem. The 2nd one is in italics in your poem so I'm not sure if this is your opening line or not since the rest of your poem is not in italics. curve of belly against curve of back I like L1-L3 as opening lines, if they are your opening lines. Great sonics and use of a repeating word. I like the contrasting imagery of soft (belly) and hard (bone/back). soft lips pout against stiff upper lip I know what you mean about the lips but it almost sounds like you're talking about three lips (soft lips/stiff upper lip). Maybe "soft fleshy lip against stiff upper lip"? smooth fingers soothe a furrowed brow loud thoughts need a whisper in the dark a political stance requires an at ease that which is empty deserves a good strong pour a shot of desire cancels all the lost years. I'm sorry to say that you lost me with the rest of the poem. At first I thought you were taking us on a journey through the human body then you switched gears and talked about political stance, a shot of desire, etc. I just couldn't make the connection between the body parts and the non body ones. I'm not ashamed to say that I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer so forgive me if I missed it all. Luce |
|
|
|
|
Nov 12 15, 16:24
Post
#3
|
|
 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Weaver,
I always enjoy reading you poetry, but as with Luce this is proving difficult to understand. I think the title 'Sum of parts' might hold the key - with the first line in italics Sum of parts - half a heart - it all fits together somehow Maybe everyone is born with half a heart curve of belly against curve of back soft lips pout against stiff upper lip smooth fingers soothe a furrowed brow You seem to be writing about 2 people, I think - one with soft pouting lips the other, stiff upper lip. I love the descriptions. It's like they are 2 opposites loud thoughts need a whisper in the dark a political stance requires an at ease that which is empty deserves a good strong pour a shot of desire cancels all the lost years. I sense that one person is balancing the other here - sum of parts. Well I'm going to stop guessing, before I make a fool of myself. I'm glad Luce was having a problem too. I look forward to finding out. Eira ·······  ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner            |
|
|
|
|
Nov 12 15, 18:19
Post
#4
|
|
|
Nomad Posts: 30 Joined: 30-October 15 From: High Peak Member No.: 5,276 Real Name: Mike Daniels Writer of: Poetry |
Hi Weaver
interesting format certainly works in the first couple of stanzas. Hated S3 - too clichéd in word and deed for my liking though I kinda like the intent as it's drawing us in a little closer again. Liked the sense of point/counterpoint and the tension/poise that it brings to the piece. Mike ······· ·······this is not a rebel song
|
|
|
|
|
Nov 13 15, 13:42
Post
#5
|
|
|
Babylonian Posts: 78 Joined: 13-November 15 Member No.: 5,294 Real Name: Krista van der Steen Writer of: Poetry |
To me, this is Yin and Yang.
All stanzas could be printed on T-shirts and I would wear them, one for each day of the week. |
|
|
|
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:
|
|
Lo-Fi Version | Time is now: 25th April 2024 - 04:43 |
Read our FLYERS - click below
|
| more Quotes |
| ||
|
|
|
|
