 Unreachable, by the sea |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Poetry Forums > Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse  |
 Dec 26 15, 17:50
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#1
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 Nomad  Posts: 32 Joined: 30-October 15 From: Canada Member No.: 5,277 Real Name: Deb Calverley Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Rhapsody  |
Cry into the sea
Breathe out sky Take stock of time de-canting through a liquid hourglass. Remember the sound of a sea as it rushes the feel of skin as it prickles to wind or the way turquoise water turns clear in the cup of your hands as you stand alone and unreachable - horizon paper thin. |
  
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Dec 26 15, 21:38
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#2
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 Babylonian Posts: 97 Joined: 31-October 15 Member No.: 5,279 Real Name: J.S. MacLean (Joe) Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Eisa |
weaver, I like the condensed elemental approach here as well as the sound. A couple of little things to suggest...in S2L2 removing "a" and for some reason I want to read the last line as horizon thin paper ///not sure that makes any sense,
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Dec 27 15, 12:38
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#3
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 Assyrian Posts: 250 Joined: 1-November 15 Member No.: 5,282 Real Name: richard chase Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Rhapsody |
Weaver weaves another gem - A lovely piece, I really like the minimalism of it, and the final stanza is remarkable. Well done, RC
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Dec 27 15, 14:53
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#4
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 Assyrian Posts: 248 Joined: 10-November 15 From: Sunny Florida Member No.: 5,293 Real Name: YC Writer of: Poetry Referred By:TCP |
I enjoyed reading this poem. It’s very simple in construction but it says volumes. The message of hope, encouragement and reflection are clearly in the lines. It’s nicely done.
A few suggestions though. Use or toss: Cry into the sea Breathe out sky Take stock of time de-canting through a liquid hourglass. S1L2 – Maybe add “but” to L2. It links L1 & L2 closer together: “Cry into the sea But breathe out sky” S1L5 - I like the “de-canting” image but I wouldn’t use the “liquid hourglass” container. It reminds one of the cliché of time as sand draining from an hourglass. Pick another type of container instead. Perhaps a wine goblet or glass pitcher, or something completely unexpected. Remember the sound of a sea as it rushes the feel of skin as it prickles to wind S2L2 – I’d put “the” as oppose to “a”in S2L2. So it would read "of the sea as it rushes". However, you’ve already talked about the sea. I’d take the opportunity and use another type of water imagery like: a waterfall, rapids, raging brook, creek, river, anything that can make a loud rushing sound. S2L4 – What is prickling the skin heat? Describe the wind. What kind of wind is it? Is it hot, humid, full of grit from a storm? I’d also put …“as it prickles “in” the wind”… – and not …”as it prickles “to” the wind”. or the way turquoise water turns clear in the cup of your hands as you stand alone and unreachable - horizon paper thin. S3L1-L2 – Love the turquoise imagery. I like the placement of the perfect rhyme of "stand/hand" within the line and also the placement of the alty of "clear/cup". S3L4-L5 – Not quite sure what is “unreachable”? Is it the subject that is unreachable and the horizon represents the subject in some way? |
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Dec 30 15, 19:12
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#5
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Babylonian Posts: 78 Joined: 13-November 15 Member No.: 5,294 Real Name: Krista van der Steen Writer of: Poetry |
Yes, rhythmic and soothing with a beautiful ending.
I like Luce's clever suggestions and agree with replacing some of the cliché words, but it reads so well and I feel your emotion, so I'm keen to say: leave it. Cliché words in such an adept way still have great poetic value. |
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Jan 4 16, 15:16
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#6
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Weaver,
Love this with its soothing rhythm. Its minimalistic but says so much. It's great as it stands, but could have a couple of words deleted in st 2. Cry into the sea Breathe out sky Take stock of time de-canting through a liquid hourglass. Remember the sound of [a] sea as it rushes the feel of skin as it prickles [to] in wind or the way turquoise water turns clear in the cup of your hands as you stand alone and unreachable - horizon paper thin. Great read! Eira ······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner            |
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Jan 5 16, 15:53
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#7
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Assyrian Posts: 256 Joined: 2-November 15 From: Croydon, Surrey Member No.: 5,284 Real Name: Antony Glaser Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Eira Rhaposdy |
Nice poem. I feel it can be expanded to cover more of the same found.I find the theme restive and familiar Yet succinctness is its own merit, but that means words count more and the line " as it prickles to wind", could be written more neutrally, prickles feels a harsh word. Killer phrase "a liquid hourglass". I totally agree line 2, should start with "but", to contrast the actions in L 1 and 2, it strengthens the imagery
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Jan 15 16, 09:31
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#8
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Nomad Posts: 32 Joined: 30-October 15 From: Canada Member No.: 5,277 Real Name: Deb Calverley Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Rhapsody |
Thanks to all of you, great comments and suggestions! Sorry for the late thank you I've actually been standing in that exact sea on a daily basis so relaxation has been a bit of a priority haha!
Glad you enjoyed I will def get to reading some of the great work here, I see the forum is very active that is great. Cheers W |
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Jan 23 16, 17:02
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#9
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 8,875 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Hi weaver. I've arrived a bit late here. I see you've had plenty of good suggestions. So maybe I'll only ask questions, unless I find anything else to nit...LOL. You've deftly used words that convey emotion, perhaps grief, in a lovely piece.
QUOTE (weaver @ Dec 26 15, 20:50 )  Cry into the sea Breathe out sky <<<<<<< love this! Take stock of time de-canting through a liquid hourglass. <<<<<<Does liquid hourglass actually refer to the sea? The sea is often considered a place that washes away (and sometimes brings back in the waves) memories, emotions and even real things. In which case it's indeed a wonderful metaphor. Or allegory. I love this first stanza. Another question: Why three Caps here, then one Cap in S2 and none in S3? Did you use 3 Caps at the beginning to avoid words like 'but' ,'yet', 'and'? In which case I think they're perfectly justified. Remember the sound of a sea as it rushes <<<<some have noticed you repeat 'sea' here. I can only suggest 'an ocean'. ToT! the feel of skin as it prickles to wind<<<<<<as it prickles in the wind? This adds another 'the', but you can remove 'the' in L1 and pluralize 'sound' to sounds. or the way turquoise water turns clear in the cup of your hands as you stand alone and unreachable - horizon paper thin. Beautiful stanza! Is the N unreachable, or somebody N is remembering unreachable? Perhaps it doesn't matter, either way is fine. Leaves one guessing. Tx for sharing, Syl*** ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner      |
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