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weaver
Posted on: Sep 4 16, 14:44


Nomad
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Group: Silver Member
Posts: 32
Joined: 30-October 15
From: Canada
Member No.: 5,277


Everything a little sparser
Parsley with its yellow edges
Purple thistle begins the fade
We have to pull the curled lettuce

And although the cone flowers
start to droop and drop
A stand of yellow autumn blooms
appears fiercely as if to protest

The cat begins to limp
in the early sun sink
September always when my heart
begins to break

- Debbie Calverley
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #144328 · Replies: 6 · Views: 4,335

weaver
Posted on: Sep 4 16, 14:42


Nomad
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Group: Silver Member
Posts: 32
Joined: 30-October 15
From: Canada
Member No.: 5,277


So sorry for the late late late response! As I said I was hiding in broad daylight. sun.gif

This little poem was really speaking to how every single thing you do now is tracked, recorded, online, un-deletable, detectable, invasive etc. Prior to this day and age there was at least the semblance of privacy, the feeling as if you were involved in some delicious secret all your own, that is a rarity today. Thanks for looking at this one, I will try and be around a bit more!

Cheers
W
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #144327 · Replies: 6 · Views: 2,807

weaver
Posted on: Sep 4 16, 14:39


Nomad
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Group: Silver Member
Posts: 32
Joined: 30-October 15
From: Canada
Member No.: 5,277


Hi Psyche
You're right where did all the poets go? Myself, I've been hiding in the summer sun if that's possible haha! Sort of an irony to that sentence. I wasn't writing much over the summer but now that autumn is here and I'm driven inside a bit more it's already starting to scratch at my door.

I like this line of self-defence you've written about here, the lacquer and the hard shell disguising a soft centre where the hurt no longer is allowed to penetrate. I think we can all relate to this one!

Cheers
W
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #144326 · Replies: 14 · Views: 6,031

weaver
Posted on: Sep 4 16, 14:34


Nomad
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Group: Silver Member
Posts: 32
Joined: 30-October 15
From: Canada
Member No.: 5,277


Hi Greenwich, been awhile - I really like the feel of this one, eerie is a good word and you've used it well! There are a few lines that stand out as real gems here and the entire piece winds together very well. Below, I"m not editing your poem, just pointing out the lines that i really love, particularly those first two that sodden rain on Saturdays, deadens like a quirk that is really really good!!

Cheers, enjoyed
W

Sodden Rain on Saturdays
deadens like a quirk.

having never been without a cigarette
in their thankless shifts.
Did they regimen their children
give them a backbone,
the ability to draw a line;

Good gene's and other people's' intentions
makes for the eeriest of thoughts.
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #144325 · Replies: 4 · Views: 1,947

weaver
Posted on: Jun 26 16, 14:29


Nomad
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Group: Silver Member
Posts: 32
Joined: 30-October 15
From: Canada
Member No.: 5,277


Ours was the artful
Graceful
Unreportable
Unrecordable

Prediction of

The ungraceful
Reportable
Recordable
Now
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #143890 · Replies: 6 · Views: 2,807

weaver
Posted on: Feb 13 16, 12:48


Nomad
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Group: Silver Member
Posts: 32
Joined: 30-October 15
From: Canada
Member No.: 5,277


Thank you everyone for your comments and suggestions, I have removed the question mark I actually didn't have one and threw it in at the last minute.
The ice cream line stays for sure as it was pivotal in her decline and a bit of an inkling into the small things that indicate things are not well.
The day after I wrote and posted this, she passed away.

Cheers
W
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #142416 · Replies: 8 · Views: 1,929

weaver
Posted on: Feb 6 16, 14:48


Nomad
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Group: Silver Member
Posts: 32
Joined: 30-October 15
From: Canada
Member No.: 5,277


I sit down to write and end up
reading everyone else?€™s poems
about death, flowers and airborne dogs.
The wreath of birdseed I hung on the spruce
is gone, even the string that held it
although a circle of seed lies on the snow
in a pattern of bird and squirrel tracks.

Six blocks away a woman I know lies dying;
a violet in the snow. Last night she did not
eat her ice cream. Outside her window
a bird-feeder full, sits untouched.
I wonder if the birds who claimed
my wreath will migrate to where she lies -
if their feathers like petals will moult into spring.
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #142300 · Replies: 8 · Views: 1,929

weaver
Posted on: Jan 16 16, 09:07


Nomad
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Group: Silver Member
Posts: 32
Joined: 30-October 15
From: Canada
Member No.: 5,277


P.S
I really don't like the title, I meant to say that in my first reply it seems a bit too um how do I say it.... schmaltzy? Such a thoughtful delicate poem, the title I understand I just think it could be much more catching.
Cheers
W
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #141938 · Replies: 9 · Views: 2,985

weaver
Posted on: Jan 15 16, 09:49


Nomad
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Group: Silver Member
Posts: 32
Joined: 30-October 15
From: Canada
Member No.: 5,277


Hi greenwich;
This is delightful, really, you nail it with the paper chase and the oyster shell walls, the illumination bit, you can see the place virtually glowing with a deep love. I'm going to slice and dice it even more, I think it's stronger. Just a suggestion!
Cheers
W

The house we could furnish
with oyster shell walls
and a paper chase
with enough love notes
to illuminate the potting shed.
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #141926 · Replies: 9 · Views: 2,985

weaver
Posted on: Jan 15 16, 09:46


Nomad
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Group: Silver Member
Posts: 32
Joined: 30-October 15
From: Canada
Member No.: 5,277


Hi Krista
This one has me intrigued, I will come back to it, I'm not sure the characters in this one are as simple as sons and a mother, the title alone is a bit of an indicator that has me thinking there's a lot more going on here. I will be back!
Cheers
W
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #141925 · Replies: 10 · Views: 2,369

weaver
Posted on: Jan 15 16, 09:42


Nomad
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Group: Silver Member
Posts: 32
Joined: 30-October 15
From: Canada
Member No.: 5,277


Hi Mike
Good to still see you here! This is particularly moving since the death of Bowie, don't you think?
I love the first 3 stanzas, the 4th feels a bit less polished with the repeat of "not quite yet" and I'd like to play around with the last S as follows:

to the rasp of a wrong note.
He was not quite broken,
not quite frayed -
not quite... (not a fan of the ... I get what you're after but the repeat seems like it could be much stronger somehow)

There were butterflies beyond
that lit upon his finality. (not sure about 'room' here, finality is just a quick suggestion)
Heavy scent from the open window;
we remember the oranges.

I love 'we remember the oranges' it's such a strong line I feel it should be the final one somehow.
Lovely read!
Cheers
W
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #141923 · Replies: 7 · Views: 2,259

weaver
Posted on: Jan 15 16, 09:31


Nomad
*

Group: Silver Member
Posts: 32
Joined: 30-October 15
From: Canada
Member No.: 5,277


Thanks to all of you, great comments and suggestions! Sorry for the late thank you I've actually been standing in that exact sea on a daily basis so relaxation has been a bit of a priority haha!
Glad you enjoyed I will def get to reading some of the great work here, I see the forum is very active that is great.
Cheers
W
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #141922 · Replies: 8 · Views: 2,740

weaver
Posted on: Dec 26 15, 17:50


Nomad
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Group: Silver Member
Posts: 32
Joined: 30-October 15
From: Canada
Member No.: 5,277


Cry into the sea
Breathe out sky
Take stock of time
de-canting through
a liquid hourglass.

Remember the sound
of a sea as it rushes
the feel of skin
as it prickles to wind

or the way turquoise water
turns clear in the cup
of your hands as you stand
alone and unreachable -
horizon paper thin.
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #141377 · Replies: 8 · Views: 2,740

weaver
Posted on: Dec 19 15, 17:46


Nomad
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Group: Silver Member
Posts: 32
Joined: 30-October 15
From: Canada
Member No.: 5,277


Mike
This is a fabulous piece, don't be outta here. I just had the time to read this and all of the silly responses. Don't do what I do and abandon ship before one person sinks it! Honestly this is a time transporting piece of work.
Cheers
W
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #141203 · Replies: 7 · Views: 1,670

weaver
Posted on: Dec 19 15, 17:42


Nomad
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Group: Silver Member
Posts: 32
Joined: 30-October 15
From: Canada
Member No.: 5,277


Posty
I haven't been playing lately but have a bit more time on my hands now. This is really cool, I love the dynamic of it. I read it to someone and they asked me "What does the Crab Nebula's claw grasp" I had to google it and it was an interesting digression, as perhaps it grasps another star. I loved these particular lines:

The Crab Nebula expands, the Marshall Islands
lose another well, the religions of the world melt a little
in their mirrors


Intriguing piece!!
Cheers
W
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #141202 · Replies: 8 · Views: 1,877

weaver
Posted on: Dec 19 15, 17:33


Nomad
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Group: Silver Member
Posts: 32
Joined: 30-October 15
From: Canada
Member No.: 5,277


Hello!
This is a very cool poem / prayer. I loved a lot of it, but it could be honed to be even more poignant. Suggestions below, Cheers W:

The last nine inch nail was pounded home
into the rough hewn pine
angle iron rested across the thwarts.
.
He placed a spray of white camas flowers.
fresh picked in mourning
pristine, with a dew drop tear.

As the silver water and pale sky merged
he pushed the dinghy out into the ripples,
a journey to the shadow land.

Into the light it drifted,
in the ancient rite
of the Chinook people
he begged

“Oh great spirit
whose voice I hear in the winds
welcome her without shame
for she is small and weak."

Kloshe kahkwa” (Amen)
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #141201 · Replies: 4 · Views: 1,730

weaver
Posted on: Dec 19 15, 17:29


Nomad
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Group: Silver Member
Posts: 32
Joined: 30-October 15
From: Canada
Member No.: 5,277


Thanks everyone, yes it was a tiring time, not so lonely or miserable as it came across. Lots of work travel which has now ended I'm parked in front of the Caribbean Sea in Barbados. So it was all worth it in the end. ; )

Cheers
W
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #141200 · Replies: 7 · Views: 1,853

weaver
Posted on: Dec 19 15, 17:26


Nomad
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Group: Silver Member
Posts: 32
Joined: 30-October 15
From: Canada
Member No.: 5,277


g;

Ooooo I like the bitter tone!
Familiarity breeds contempt?

This like the bedroom, needs a bit of tidying but the message is very clear. Enjoyed!

Cheers
W
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #141199 · Replies: 4 · Views: 1,621

weaver
Posted on: Dec 19 15, 17:20


Nomad
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Group: Silver Member
Posts: 32
Joined: 30-October 15
From: Canada
Member No.: 5,277


RCJ
I absolutely love this. The unrequited empty tomb of want. Sucks doesn't it!
This is eloquent, painful and real. Keep 'em coming!

Cheers
W
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #141198 · Replies: 10 · Views: 1,521

weaver
Posted on: Dec 12 15, 20:35


Nomad
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Group: Silver Member
Posts: 32
Joined: 30-October 15
From: Canada
Member No.: 5,277


In the silence of my hotel room
sudden noise of building fans
planes take off and land
on the highway all the traffic
hurries somewhere.

I'm tired with nowhere to go
Tomorrow is another day.
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #140987 · Replies: 7 · Views: 1,853

weaver
Posted on: Nov 11 15, 18:26


Nomad
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Group: Silver Member
Posts: 32
Joined: 30-October 15
From: Canada
Member No.: 5,277


Maybe everyone is born with half a heart

curve of belly
against
curve of back

soft lips pout
against
stiff upper lip

smooth fingers
soothe
a furrowed brow

loud thoughts
need
a whisper in the dark

a political stance
requires
an at ease

that which is empty
deserves
a good strong pour

a shot of desire
cancels
all the lost years.
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #139832 · Replies: 4 · Views: 2,184

weaver
Posted on: Nov 8 15, 15:17


Nomad
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Group: Silver Member
Posts: 32
Joined: 30-October 15
From: Canada
Member No.: 5,277



Hi Post:
Maybe I've had enough sleep for once as I did get this immediately as your ex mom in law taking you out to the circus (which is a bit bizarre in and of itself) after a divorce. It made me stop and think 'why on earth would she take you to the circus?' as that is something you do with a child and then it struck me that perhaps it was a nostalgic thing to do as a circus is something from the past. It may have been a bit of a truce or an 'it's ok' type of outing and the hug at the end clarifies that this relationship is ok and there are no hard feelings which is very poignant. I enjoyed this, the women on horseback going around and around almost like habit almost like a marriage that just goes and goes but really goes nowhere.

Great poem!
Cheers
W

QUOTE (posthumous @ Oct 30 15, 15:55 ) *
REVISION:

After you divorced me,
your mother took me to the circus.
I remember the horses
running in the ring,
women standing on their backs,
scions of the great plains
going around and around
and round again, followed by clowns
who didn’t wear makeup
telling jokes with their bodies.
We hugged, your mother and I,
at the end of that pageantry,
acceding to the ringmaster’s cries.






original:

After our divorce
your mother took me to the circus.
I remember the horses
running in the ring,
women standing on their backs,
scions of the great plains
going around and around
and round again, followed by clowns
who didn’t wear makeup
telling jokes with their bodies.
We hugged, your mother and I,
at the end of that pageantry,
acceding to the ringmaster’s cries.
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #139766 · Replies: 13 · Views: 3,021

weaver
Posted on: Nov 8 15, 15:10


Nomad
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Group: Silver Member
Posts: 32
Joined: 30-October 15
From: Canada
Member No.: 5,277


Greetings A!
Great to see your stuff here, I'm so happy that a few TCP writers decided to join.
This is an excellent take on the loss of childhood innocence - that first stanza is brill, I can hear a 6 year old saying that and it's true their take on life and what's going on around them is so simple yet so imaginative as they haven't yet been tainted by knowledge!
You've nailed that first stanza so well that it's hard to follow up and S2 and S3 seem a bit too lengthy and less concise although that is the way the adult mind works compared to the child's mind in S1 so it could be argued that this works simply due to that fact. I would like to see S2 and 3 honed a bit more so it packs the same punch at the end as the hook at the beginning.

Lovely work!
Cheers
W
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #139765 · Replies: 8 · Views: 2,564

weaver
Posted on: Nov 8 15, 15:06


Nomad
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Group: Silver Member
Posts: 32
Joined: 30-October 15
From: Canada
Member No.: 5,277


Hi everyone!

So great to see you all here, so sorry for the very tardy reply I've been in heavy work travel mode.
All great comments, and yes I will remove the 's' from begins and the 'to' in front of L3!
It is indeed a metaphor regarding our daily repetitive routine and how sometimes that has to be disturbed in order for change to occur.
I used the word 'dig' to play off the excavation of the sea-bed as the water whips up a whirlpool of sand and uncovers something deep within. I see 'dig' is a bit of an issue though for the readers - the sea excavates, the human digs - any suggestions on that?
Thanks for reading, hope to be here a bit more in the future.

Cheers
W
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #139764 · Replies: 6 · Views: 2,197

weaver
Posted on: Oct 31 15, 23:49


Nomad
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Group: Silver Member
Posts: 32
Joined: 30-October 15
From: Canada
Member No.: 5,277


As storm skies blow in
calmer seas begins to churn
to toss and turn, whirl
in spiral pools, drill
to excavate some ancient site
buried in its sandy bed.

And so we search
to find mystery lost
only revealed when wild skies
flash strobes of lightning
clap out thunder at midnight
wake us from our small lives.

Set the every day on fire!
Quiet endless tick of wall clocks.
Dig - blow the ghosts away.
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #139596 · Replies: 6 · Views: 2,197

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