Printable Version of Topic

Posted by: Eisa May 27 13, 15:04

I've changed the ending here. Wally thought that it needed a different end, but his suggestion didn't fit with my intentions. However I've thought about this and come up with an ending that I feel fits in with my way of thinking.





Survival (with new ending)

I wait
......... ensconced inside my sphagnum hide
as unsuspecting creatures forage near.
My escalating hunger won't subside
while odours saturate the atmosphere.

Vibrations stir the undergrowth, I feel
a scurry close but I'm concealed among
the moss and lie stock-still. I hear a squeal,
obtain a scent by flickering my tongue.

Strike!
..........I quickly coil around him; death's
embrace, his limbs grow limp. Deprived of claws,
I seize head-on and taste his final breath
as rhythmic muscles draw him through my jaws.

Though camouflaged in shadows, distant howls
disturb my rest, I sense a passing beast
Gliding away I hear his sudden growl -
raccoon returns to claim
.......................................me as his feast.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Survival

I wait
... ensconced inside my sphagnum hide
while unsuspecting creatures forage near.
My escalating hunger won't subside
as odours saturate the atmosphere.

Vibrations stir the undergrowth, I feel
a scurry close but I'm concealed among
the moss and lie stock-still. I hear a squeal,
obtain a scent by flickering my tongue.

Strike!
... I quickly coil around him; death's
embrace, his limbs grow limp. Deprived of claws,
I seize head-on and taste his final breath,
while muscle rhythms draw him through my jaws.

Engorged, I glide towards a hiding place
where shadows camouflage from passing beast;
inside a cave I curl, yet heed them pace
outside, as I digest my rattus feast.

Posted by: Thoth May 28 13, 15:31

Hi Snow

Good to read you again , (even something dragged from the archive)
The iambic pentameter structure is sound with some excellent imagery and great drama. (Loved the sphagnum hide)

In S1, both L2 and L3 lines begin with “as” so you might want to look at that.

The title could be more helpful since only by S3 did I realise where this was going. The victim was defiantly not a survivor and the subject appears quite dominant and in no way threatened. Perhaps it’s more the “circle of life and death” that you intended to portray in this sketch.

To me there is something lacking and since I can’t put a finger on it, please permit me some blunt observations which I hope are not way off the track;

A very Attenborough ish and clinical essay on the serpent hunting a rat. That’s it! Whilst the all the horror of the kill is there, described in the detached voice of the predator, there are no deeper levels or concealed metaphor, no lesson or moral. No angst or unresolved thought implanted in the reader’s sub consciousness to niggle and provoke questions.

So In my humble opinion Snow, this poem needs a powerful device to bring home the real message behind the sketch. I can’t offer any specific suggestions since I’m not really sure of where you intend to go with this one but my gut feel is that a very subtle change could transform the whole piece.

If it is intended as a simple action sketch then it is indeed skilfully described so please ignore my ramblings.

Thanks for sharing those slithering thoughts.
Hugz.

Wal

Posted by: Maureen May 28 13, 21:36

Resonates perfectly with me - you've captured well the snake hunting down his prey. The concealemnt, the strike, the ingestation of the prey.

Personally I don't like snakes at all and have seen at close quarters my fair share of them

My opinion is that this doesn't need anything else added to it It is what it is which is a very accurate description of a slithery serpent. I don't know what lesson or moral you could realistically add to it other than to stay away from the buggers. Snakes kill to eat and eat to live. Not sure they have any higher principles that that. Left to their own devices they will usually try to avoid confrontation, but if threatened then become an aggressive and brave defender. Best to leave them alone.

I enjoyed the read - thank you

Cheers

Maureen
The Scribbly Bark Poet

Posted by: Eisa May 30 13, 17:30

Hi Wally

I's really good to 'see' you again.

I've found a few interesting oldies in the archives that I'm wondering if I can improve. This one originated from one of the first poems I wrote.

Thanks for picking up the 2 'as - I'll fix that.

The poem is about survival of the snake - yes ... and I quite like that it doesn't give away too much too soon. The snake might appear to be dominant, but they have very poor vision, have lo limbs and rely on vibrations and obtaining scent through the tongue. You say they are in no way threatened - but they do have many enemies and are prey to large birds, wild boars, mongooses, raccoons, foxes, coyotes and even other snakes. They only attack when they are disturbed and unsure of their fate.

I suppose I sound like a snake lover - well since my son had a pet corn snake (which I did my best to stop!)and we started breeding them and eventually I was left with them when he went to uni, I do perhaps understand them better now. However, they are my snakes and I would feel completely different about meeting one in the wild!

Anyway, back to my poem. I agree this has no underlying metaphor or message. I suppose when I started writing poetry that wasn't my intent and I can't think of any lessons to be learned from the snake itself.
However, I realise some do like a poem to be thought provoking and I will think on this. Perhaps I could end with a verse about the starving villagers across the river, who struggle for their own survival. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Snow

Posted by: Eisa May 30 13, 17:41

Hi Maureen

I see you understand snakes pretty well. I have described to Wally my own involvement with them. I can understand why you hate them - I was horrified when my son wanted one for a pet. I have many corn snakes and love each one, but they are pets - I would feel very differently if I found a wild one in the garden.

Snow

Posted by: Thoth May 31 13, 17:16

Hi Snow

Thanks for the explanation, corn snakes make cool pets as they are generally good natured although my nephew has one that is really nasty. Interestingly, non-venomous snakes are often more aggressive than their lethal cousins. I am a wildlife enthusiast having grown up in the African bushveld. (even my daughter became a game ranger) and I have written much on nature conservation subjects so I do understand a little about snakes which occupy a vital niche in the ecosystem.

Please may I explain the sort of thing I had in mind by taking a small liberty with your poem. For example, if the last verse were constructed roughly as follows:

“Engorged, I rest within my hiding place.
Out there, in ignorance they pass me by
discarding scraps. The filth from one rat-race
attracts another - which is my supply.”

This unexpectedly introduces the exterior scene where up to now we have been drawn in closely to the snakes environment. People pacing the street, above are (in the serpent’s opinion) simply lower down in the food chain. However if they discover him he will be killed.

Suddenly, the reader is left with horrifying thought that there is a sub-world beneath his feet where rodents and reptiles all thrive on human waste. The lesson is; don’t leave garbage around that may attract unwanted pests. (Note the shrouded metaphore and duality to stimulate thought while not directly making any rude accusations.)

I hope this sheds some light on my previous comments and gives your scaly muse some food for thought.

Hugz

Wal

Posted by: Eisa May 31 13, 18:09

QUOTE (Thoth @ May 31 13, 23:16 )

Hi Snow

Hi Wally - thanks for returning to this!

Thanks for the explanation, corn snakes make cool pets as they are generally good natured although my nephew has one that is really nasty. Interestingly, non-venomous snakes are often more aggressive than their lethal cousins. I am a wildlife enthusiast having grown up in the African bushveld. (even my daughter became a game ranger) and I have written much on nature conservation subjects so I do understand a little about snakes which occupy a vital niche in the ecosystem.

Yes, corn snakes are usually very docile, but there's always the exception. I used to put it down to aggression, but after having them as pets for years, I've found there is usually a reason. Some are easily upset, some get 'aggressive' because of hunger some if they are startled. I had one, Jay, who got so excited when she knew it was feeding time, that she often bit me mistaking me for her mouse!

I am a fan of your nature poems, Wally and it is clear that you study your subject well. Maureen our new member also writes about nature.

Please may I explain the sort of thing I had in mind by taking a small liberty with your poem. For example, if the last verse were constructed roughly as follows:

“Engorged, I rest within my hiding place.
Out there, in ignorance they pass me by
discarding scraps. The filth from one rat-race
attracts another - which is my supply.”

This unexpectedly introduces the exterior scene where up to now we have been drawn in closely to the snakes environment. People pacing the street, above are (in the serpent’s opinion) simply lower down in the food chain. However if they discover him he will be killed.

Suddenly, the reader is left with horrifying thought that there is a sub-world beneath his feet where rodents and reptiles all thrive on human waste. The lesson is; don’t leave garbage around that may attract unwanted pests.

I hope this sheds some light on my previous comments and gives your scaly muse some food for thought.

Yes that has helped me, Wally. I was thinking you meant something much deeper. I am a bit brain dead this week LOL! I'll certainly give this some thought after the weekend when I'll have more time.

Hugz

Wal

Hope to see you again soon
Hugz
Snow

Posted by: Psyche Jun 1 13, 00:36

Hi Eisa!
So glad you dragged this one out of the archives. I hadn't seen it. It's indeed a highly original piece that draws the reader into a world not generally known, except by nature watchers such as Wally and Maureen. I'm also a nature lover but I'm wary of snakes, having been warned as a child not to walk in tall grasses without a stick to wade through them safely.

Nearly all horses are afraid of snakes. I once had to allow my horse to rear up, swerving sharply away from some suspicious undergrowth and then set off at a fast pace, its skin quivering with fear. I managed OK and didn't fall off, the trick is to let it have some rein to get away fast, but not too much either. Horses panic more if they feel they can't avert danger. Anyway, something like that...

[q uote name='Eisa' date='May 27 13, 18:04 ' post='132103']
I've dragged this out of the archives and made a few changes.


Survival

I wait
... ensconced inside my sphagnum hide <<<<<Great opening line!!
as unsuspecting creatures forage near. <<<< Yes, it should be easy to get rid of one 'as'.

My escalating hunger won't subside
as odours saturate the atmosphere. <<<<<< No more nits, fine S!!

Vibrations stir the undergrowth, I feel
a scurry close but I'm concealed among
the moss and lie stock-still. I hear a squeal,
obtain a scent by flickering my tongue. <<<<< Perfect, deftly handled.

Strike!
... I quickly coil around him; death's
embrace, his limbs grow limp. Deprived of claws,
I seize head-on and taste his final breath, <<<<< I like 'taste' his final breath.

while muscle rhythms draw him through my jaws. <<<<<<Such movement, what a great pace your poem takes on here!

Engorged, I glide towards a hiding place
where shadows camouflage from passing beast;
inside a cave I curl, yet heed them pace
outside, as I digest my rattus feast. <<<<<wild creatures are seldom relaxed. They're all prey to some other bird or animal. I can imagine the snake digesting his rat, but with all his senses alert. Wow!

[/quote]

IMO, this is an exceptional poem. I see Wally's point, but this is a purely 'out in the wild' piece, your snake isn't taking advantage of human beings' garbage, which is certainly a danger in towns and cities. This is between the snake and the rat. Period. And the ambience doesn't call for lessons on rubbish and food chains. Just my opinion.

Wally, I like your version of that S, as an example, but that would be going down another road. A bit complicated. I believe Snow has shown us a part of nature, one that we can reflect on from many aspects, without metaphors or similes.

I have thought a little about the title, whether it's confusing or not, but can't come up with any suggestions right now. All in all, a masterful piece.

Hugs,
Syl***

Posted by: Psyche Jun 1 13, 01:15

Posted by: Eisa Jun 5 13, 17:29

Thanks for your comments Syl - and for the IBPC nom. I had decided to leave this one alone with my original intent.

Hugs
Snow

Posted by: Eisa Apr 5 15, 17:33

Hi everyone

I'm dragging this up again as I've changed the ending. Wally thought that it needed a different end, but his suggestion didn't fit with my intentions. However I've thought about this and come up with an ending that I feel fits in with my way of thinking.

Snow

Posted by: Larry Apr 8 15, 15:25

Hi Snow,

I thought I had commented on this a couple of years back but see I was mistaken. I like your new twist at the
end. Survival of the fittest, though often what we don't want, is a fact of life and no matter where you happen
to be on the food chain, it's eat or be eaten.

Only one tiny nit: S3L4 - would you care to try "as rhythmic muscles... " instead of "as muscle rhythms".

Just a suggestion. TOT!!!

Larry

Posted by: Eisa Apr 8 15, 17:22

Hi Larry

I do like your suggestion for that line and will change it now.

Thanks
Snow

Posted by: Larry Apr 12 15, 23:15

I like it Snow,

But...
While reading through for the umpteenth time, I realized that all your poem is in IP except for S3/L1.

Perhaps:

"I strike
and quickly coil around him; death's"

As always, TOT!

p.s. - poor snake


Larry

Posted by: Eisa Apr 15 15, 17:39

QUOTE (Larry @ Apr 13 15, 05:15 )

Posted by: Arnfinn Apr 29 15, 07:35

G'day Snow...

Seen them many a time.

A reptile does not determine gender (or care).

Therefore I assume that the feast is metaphysical-- a presumption.

We must always be on the "lookout".

These are my feelings--with a shudder.

Regards,

John

Posted by: Eisa May 7 15, 14:01

QUOTE (Arnfinn @ Apr 29 15, 13:35 )