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Posted by: prerna bala Jan 14 09, 12:22

revise 1

sloping roofs:
splash slides for snow
high noon sun


------------


splash!
sound of molten snow
waters down the cold

Posted by: Larry Jan 19 09, 15:43

Hello Prerna,

As you've seen and replied to in Steve's Haiku, you must realize your's needs a bit of filling in to comply with the 5-7-5 structure. Here are some suggestions which might help:

splash!

Capitalize and make a statement!
Splash!
Then reiterate that with what that sound implied or what the sound made you imagine. Things like "Rain in springtime" or "Liquid music", et al. Utilize anything which will enhance the image in the reader's mind. What do you want them to see?

sound of molten snow

"Molten" implies, in nearly all instances, something hot. There are many synonyms which can be used that signify the melting of snow. If I might paraphrase Merlin, "There are many ways of saying the same thing." Line 2 should have the requisite 7 syllables.

waters down the cold

I'm not sure what you are trying to have the reader see in this line.

Please take/toss any or all of these suggestions. I see the overall mind picture you are trying to draw but would like to see it fleshed out a bit.

Larry

Posted by: Eisa Jan 22 09, 15:22

Hi prerna

A nice concise haiku - although I'm trying to visualise the last line (I'm a bit slow today - LOL!)

I am aware that there are 2 forms of haiku, the traditional where a 5-7-5 line count is required & a more modern form where conciseness is the key. Yours fits the second one very well.

I can see why you used 'molten' as the snow is heated until it becomes water.

I'm sure I'll catch on to the last line eventually.

Altogether, a great haiku.
I'll be back if I think of any logical suggestions.

Snow

Posted by: ohsteve Jan 26 09, 03:01

Prenra, I unlike Snow have not heard of two forms of Haiku... This could be just considerd a very short poem, a stand on it's own thing. But even then that third line doesn't make much sense, I think you need just a little more content, and to me if you want a haiku you need that 5-7-5 sylable and usually a referance to nature.
Steve

Posted by: prerna bala Jan 29 09, 15:56

Larry, i want the reader to hear the sound of water.

sound of molten snow

"Molten" implies, in nearly all instances, something hot. There are many synonyms which can be used that signify the melting of snow. If I might paraphrase Merlin, "There are many ways of saying the same thing." Line 2 should have the requisite 7 syllables.

yes, Larry, but so does the first line, if i need to write a traditional ku. and i will
waters down the cold

Posted by: prerna bala Jan 29 09, 16:01

hi Snow, i intend to rewrite it as a 5-7-5 and also improve on the existing one , so any suggestions are welcome.

Posted by: prerna bala Jan 29 09, 16:09

yes steve.

so the traditional one reads :

splash of water drops
from sloping roofs to ice grounds
sun at work at noon!


but i would also like to keep the form of the above one, so :

Splash!
sound of molten snow
melting down the cold

-----
what do you people think, Larry, Snow, Steve ?

Posted by: ohsteve Jan 29 09, 20:53

Prerna, they are both good, if snow is correct in there being two forms of Hiaku, the first attempt would be fine.
Steve

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jan 30 09, 06:26

Hello Prerna.

Is this your revision to post?

splash of water drops
from sloping roofs to ice grounds
sun at work at noon!

It's hard to tell when one is making changes if you don't post them up in your original topic. DO you need help with that? All you need to do is go to your first post in this thread and then click on the "edit" button, paste in your revision at the top, leave a buitof space and re-title the original. I can assist if you'd like, let me know.

With this version above, I have a suggestion:

splash of water drops
from sloping roofs to ice grounds
sun at work at noon!



A twist for L1 mght be something like:
Splash! the water drops

A twist for L2 mght be something like:
from sloped roofs to frozen ground

I suggest a twist on the last line:
noon-time sun at work

Cheers,
~Cleo

Posted by: Larry Jan 30 09, 12:54

Hi Prerna,

I had trouble finding your revision until I read the entire thread. I do prefer the more formal style but "everyone to his/her own".

If you want the reader to hear the sound of water, show them without telling them about it. Suggestions:

splash of water drops
Splash! Liquid cascades

from sloping roofs to ice grounds

from the eaves to icy ground.

sun at work at noon!

Sun frees Winter's grip.

These are just suggestions. Feel free to toss them all.

It is looking much better and I'm sure you will polish it to a beautiful lustre.

Larry

Posted by: prerna bala Jan 30 09, 16:28

Steve, Cleo and Larry, thank you.

Steve, i want to write in both trad. and non-trad, so ...

Cleo, yes i will do that, i love your suggestions.
Larry, yes, got the picture.

May i post the revises sometime on Sunday, after thinking about them ?
thank you

Posted by: Sekhmet Feb 26 09, 14:03

Hello Perna balla Steve, Cleo & Larry.
For someone trying to come to terms with this fascinating form of poetry, this has been a very illuminating correspondence. It is obvious that each of you has your own personal, and strongly held views about what constitutes a Haiku - but you discussed the subject with great good humour - each contributing something of interest. As an absolute beginner - I understood more of what perna balla was conveying from reading the more 'trad' version. The words, 'from sloping roofs to ice grounds' painted a vivid mental picture.
Thanks for the lesson.Leo

Posted by: prerna bala Jul 22 09, 05:01

hi,

have been away from the boards for sometime i should say

but i would like to improve o the haiku, let us see if distancing myself from the haiku did any good to the inherent understanding of its handicaps :

this is summer but anyhow , here is a very -out of season but in the Alps- revise:


sloping roofs-
splash slides for snow
high noon sun