Seven Dials, a bit of an experiment Options

[Guest_Nina_*]

I'm trying something different, though I'm not sure how well it has worked


Seven Dials (revised)

Seven Dials -
seven streets;
vibrant vibe,
milling crowds.

Saturday night,
Summer heat;
setting Sun
light fading.

Sun Clock plinth:
tourist spot;
rickshaw rides,
cobbled roads.

Limousines,
blackened windows;
tight turns
squeezing round.

Theatre-goers,
musical delight;
stage door exit,
waiting fans.

Hotel bar,
trendy cocktails;
traditional pub,
pulling pints.

Sipping cider,
watching, waiting;
ever-moving,
human show.



Seven Dials(original)

Saturday night,
Summer heat;
setting Sun
fading light.

Seven Dials -
seven streets;
vibrant vibe,
milling crowds.

Sundial pillar:
tourist spot;
rickshaw rides,
cobbled roads.

limousines,
blackened windows;
tight turns
snaked around.

Sipping cider,
watching, waiting;
ever-moving,
human show.

copyright Nina 2006

Notes:
Seven Dials is an unusual junction near Covent Garden in central London. Seven roads converge and in the centre is a sundial pillar, on one corner is a theatre, another has a pub, a third is a bar and hotel. It was built originally in around 1690s and by the nineteenth century was a notorious slum. Charles Dickens mentions it in one of his books. It is also featured in an Agatha Christie book called predictably Seven Dials.

If anyone wants more information, here is the wiki entry: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_Dials

Nina

[Guest_Dove_*]

i like this. the flow of beats keeps it ever moving too...made my eyes run to the next line.

brought to mind the tourist places i want to see, just to sit on a bench and watch the hustle and bustle of the shops selling. you definately made the picture come through with the short lines and distinctive word choice. :)

i think I'm thrown off by the line "sundial pillar". it doesn't seem to co-exist with the 3rd line of the stanza. maybe use "sundial pillar" for a title since you already used the words "Seven Dials" inside the piece. I feel like you're repeating the word "dial" a lot with that too.


-dove

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Nina

I'm trying something different, though I'm not sure how well it has worked

I've enjoyed it

Thanks for the info, too. I love that area. I used to explore when I spent a summer working at a hotel in Bloomsbury over one summer as a student. It was just being redeveloped back in those days. (Was it really more than two decades ago? *faints*)

Seven Dials

Saturday night,
Summer heat;
setting Sun
fading light.

I find myself reading this almost as a rap; the short, succinct lines and images. S1 especially, as there is the L1 L4 rhyme of night/light. That set up an expectation of more rhymes as I went on so I rather noticed an absence.

If you are happy with the quickfire rhythm you could really go for it my using same length. Sat-ur-day is a syllable longer than the other words in S1 so maybe Friday or weekend might aid the rhythm - if you are after that.

Seven Dials -
seven streets;
vibrant vibe,
milling crowds.

I like the repetition of seven in L1 and L2 above very much; the key thing about the crossroads. However, you use dial in the title and the stanza below, too. Would "faces" or "signs" work here, perhaps?

Sundial pillar:
tourist spot;
rickshaw rides,
cobbled roads.

lovely images

limousines,
blackened windows;
tight turns
snaked around.

Not sure that limos and snakes quite work as an image - they are anything but bendy ... negotiated? worked around?

Sipping cider,
watching, waiting;
ever-moving,
human show.

I'll happily sit somewhere like that and watch the world go by ...

Shall I buy the next round?

Fran

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Nina, an intriging poem for a interesting place, I guess i should have explored london more when I was there, although I am not so sure I didnt walk through the area at least once just didnt notice as I was still a novice in finding places. But I would like to sit and sip cider watching the world pass by for an hour or two anyways.
Steve

[Peterpan]

Hello Nina!

Stunning, stunning title!

I like the idea, I think you could have more 'original' imagery for an original thought eg. cobbled roads a bit over worked? I have used 'cobbled'. Sure it parts the image but, is there another word? No, not in my thesaurus - it uses cobble as a verb - cobble something together. Not what you want to say but, do you see what I am suggesting?

First Stanza: setting sun and fading light says the same thing?
Second Stanza: good one!
Third Stanza: works, bar the cobbled bit.
I also think you might explain the 'seven dials' in the beginning? It takes away the confusion. I also think you could think about having 7 stanzas??

Work at it!
Love the idea and the theme!

PP

I'm trying something different, though I'm not sure how well it has worked

Seven Dials

Saturday night,
Summer heat;
setting Sun
fading light.

Seven Dials -
seven streets;
vibrant vibe,
milling crowds.

Sundial pillar:
tourist spot;
rickshaw rides,
cobbled roads.

limousines,
blackened windows;
tight turns
snaked around.

Sipping cider,
watching, waiting;
ever-moving,
human show.

copyright Nina 2006

Notes:
Seven Dials is an unusual junction near Covent Garden in central London. Seven roads converge and in the centre is a sundial pillar, on one corner is a theatre, another has a pub, a third is a bar and hotel. It was built originally in around 1690s and by the nineteenth century was a notorious slum. Charles Dickens mentions it in one of his books. It is also featured in an Agatha Christie book called predictably Seven Dials.

If anyone wants more information, here is the wiki entry: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_Dials

Nina

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Jessica

i like this. the flow of beats keeps it ever moving too...made my eyes run to the next line.

brought to mind the tourist places i want to see, just to sit on a bench and watch the hustle and bustle of the shops selling. you definately made the picture come through with the short lines and distinctive word choice. :)

Thank you very much. It was very interesting sitting watching the hustle and bustle and especially the stretch-limos trying to turn round in too small a space.

i think I'm thrown off by the line "sundial pillar". it doesn't seem to co-exist with the 3rd line of the stanza. maybe use "sundial pillar" for a title since you already used the words "Seven Dials" inside the piece. I feel like you're repeating the word "dial" a lot with that too.

The Sundial pillar is in the centre of Seven Dials and it is the spot where the crowds hang about, sitting or standing around the base of it.

I realise I've used dial too much and will change it to sun clock, maybe even leaving out pillar.

Thanks very much for reading and commenting

Nina

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Fran

>F>I've enjoyed it

Thank you.

>F>Thanks for the info, too. I love that area. I used to explore when I spent a summer working at a hotel in Bloomsbury over one summer as a student. It was just being redeveloped back in those days. (Was it really more than two decades ago? *faints*)

It is scary how quickly time flies. I used to live not far from Bloomsbury and we'd occasionally walk to Covent Garden which is very close to Seven Dials. Just round the corner is a tiny garden, which most people don't know about and is an oasis of green in the middle of the hustle and bustle. There is also another similar garden near Kings Cross, where I spent much of my time when the kids were small. Anyway, I digress.

Seven Dials

Saturday night,
Summer heat;
setting Sun
fading light.

I find myself reading this almost as a rap; the short, succinct lines and images. S1 especially, as there is the L1 L4 rhyme of night/light. That set up an expectation of more rhymes as I went on so I rather noticed an absence.

Ermm, I hadn't noticed the rhyme. It was unintentional.

>F>If you are happy with the quickfire rhythm you could really go for it my using same length. Sat-ur-day is a syllable longer than the other words in S1 so maybe Friday or weekend might aid the rhythm - if you are after that.

The only rhythm I'm really concerned about is to get across the fast moving activity.

Seven Dials -
seven streets;
vibrant vibe,
milling crowds.

I like the repetition of seven in L1 and L2 above very much; the key thing about the crossroads. However, you use dial in the title and the stanza below, too. Would "faces" or "signs" work here, perhaps?

I shall remove one of the "dials" by saying sun clock. I would like to keep Seven Dials as it is the name of the area, calling it Seven faces renders it meaningless.

Sundial pillar:
tourist spot;
rickshaw rides,
cobbled roads.

lovely images

thank you

limousines,
blackened windows;
tight turns
snaked around.

Not sure that limos and snakes quite work as an image - they are anything but bendy ... negotiated? worked around?

I played around with all the words you suggested and I wasn't 100% happy with them (or snake for that matter), maybe I'll go back to negotiated.


>F>I'll happily sit somewhere like that and watch the world go by ...

Shall I buy the next round?


You're on! Mine's another half a cider.

Cheers

Nina

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Steve

Nina, an intriging poem for a interesting place, I guess i should have explored london more when I was there, although I am not so sure I didnt walk through the area at least once just didnt notice as I was still a novice in finding places. But I would like to sit and sip cider watching the world pass by for an hour or two anyways.

There are so many interesting spots in London that you don't notice. It is always fun to sip cider and people watch for a while.

Nina

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Bev

Stunning, stunning title!

I can't take credit for the title, it's the name of the area I was in.

I like the idea, I think you could have more 'original' imagery for an original thought eg. cobbled roads a bit over worked? I have used 'cobbled'. Sure it parts the image but, is there another word? No, not in my thesaurus - it uses cobble as a verb - cobble something together. Not what you want to say but, do you see what I am suggesting?

Ermm, I don't see what you're suggesting. Sorry, you've lost me. Cobbled roads are streets that are laid with cobble stones as many of our roads were back in Victorian times, till they were dug up and relaid with tarmac.

First Stanza: setting sun and fading light says the same thing?

I was hoping for two different images, first the red ball of the sun going down and then the light turning to darkness

I also think you might explain the 'seven dials' in the beginning? It takes away the confusion.

I could do that.

I also think you could think about having 7 stanzas??

I see what you're getting at but I didn't have anything else I wanted to say.

Thanks Bev

Nina

[Peterpan]

Hi Nina!

Just a thought: swap the first and second stanzas. The second introduces the concept of seven.

PP

[Peterpan]

Hello Nina~

I have been thinking about the 'cobbled' and in fact in contrast to the modern limos it is quite striking!

I still love the title even if it was not your line - it is your poetry line!!

PP

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Bev

Thanks for returning with further thoughts. Swapping the two verses is a possibility which I will consider. I'm glad you've changed your mind about cobbled. There wasn't really any other word I could use to describe them.

Thanks

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Seven Dials

Saturday night,
Summer heat;
setting Sun
fading light.

(“Night” and “Light” rhyme - which set-up the unfulfilled expectation of similar rhymes in subsequent verses).
(Although “setting Sun” and “fading light” may well refer to different things, as this is the first verse, they appear tautological).

Seven Dials -
seven streets;
vibrant vibe,
milling crowds.

(I think for the above reasons, and because of the title, and subject, and because of the scene-setting, the above would make a better opening verse. You could, if wished, just transpose them).

(VV line - good alliteration but I’m not sure they are not tautological in this case?)

Sundial pillar:
tourist spot;
rickshaw rides, (Good allit)
cobbled roads.

(Very attractive)

limousines,
blackened windows;
tight turns
snaked around.

(Very unattractive.)

Sipping cider,
watching, waiting;
ever-moving,
human show.

(Now the problem for me is that “sipping cider” makes me think of Summer days in a country pub - it is a positive image. I’m not suggesting over-egging by making everything sound “black” - the subtlety is excellent. However, I assume this is not meant to be a positive image? I am assuming you mean alcho tramps?)

Hi Nina,

Unfortunately this reminds me of a place in my home town of Derby (Home of Rolls-Royce) called “The Five Lamps” - a five-way junction. Quite a nice area. But my dentist’s surgery was on one corner.

It is packed with good description and makes for an interesting read.

I actually wonder if, good as it is, it would not work better as an article? You will still have your poem but I think you need a bigger canvas. The alternative would be to narrow your focus: hone-in on more specific aspects. Another possible alternative is to go big - write a much longer poem with sections focussing on specifics. I don’t think that your poem has many faults per se (apart from the few pointers I have suggested) - just that it is rather brief to capture the flavour which you are indicating.

Along the epic thing: you could do a poem in eight sections: views down all seven routes plus opening and closing views of the centre. Each view might have several verses. I can see that could be an excellent work and might be of interest to locals - maybe printed and displayed on a wine bar wall or in a gallery. Just an idea.

Thanks for the read.

J.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi J

Thanks for this

>J>(“Night” and “Light” rhyme - which set-up the unfulfilled expectation of similar rhymes in subsequent verses).
(Although “setting Sun” and “fading light” may well refer to different things, as this is the first verse, they appear tautological).

Yes, it was totally unintentional, I hadn't realised till Fran pointed it out. If I swap fading and light, that will sort it out.

>J>(I think for the above reasons, and because of the title, and subject, and because of the scene-setting, the above would make a better opening verse. You could, if wished, just transpose them).

Yes, Bev also suggested the same and I will probably do so.

>J>(VV line - good alliteration but I’m not sure they are not tautological in this case?)

I'm not convinced they are, you can have all sorts of vibes including a bad vibe.

Sundial pillar:
tourist spot;
rickshaw rides, (Good allit)
cobbled roads.

>J>(Very attractive)

Thank you

limousines,
blackened windows;
tight turns
snaked around.

>J>(Very unattractive.)

It was actually highly amusing watching these great big limos trying to turn around the sun dial in the middle of a fairly narrow junction.

Sipping cider,
watching, waiting;
ever-moving,
human show.

>J>(Now the problem for me is that “sipping cider” makes me think of Summer days in a country pub - it is a positive image. I’m not suggesting over-egging by making everything sound “black” - the subtlety is excellent. However, I assume this is not meant to be a positive image? I am assuming you mean alcho tramps?)

Errmm, believe it or not, no negative image was intended. Winos hadn't even crossed my mind. It was supposed to be positive, Summer days, sipping cider but instead of a country pub, it was one in central London and I was sitting in a pub on the corner of this junction, with friends the other evening and we were watching the hustle and bustle and waiting for someone.

>J>Unfortunately this reminds me of a place in my home town of Derby (Home of Rolls-Royce) called “The Five Lamps” - a five-way junction. Quite a nice area. But my dentist’s surgery was on one corner.

I'm sorry to bring back painful memories for you.

>J>It is packed with good description and makes for an interesting read.

Thanks muchly.

>J>I actually wonder if, good as it is, it would not work better as an article? You will still have your poem but I think you need a bigger canvas. The alternative would be to narrow your focus: hone-in on more specific aspects. Another possible alternative is to go big - write a much longer poem with sections focussing on specifics. I don’t think that your poem has many faults per se (apart from the few pointers I have suggested) - just that it is rather brief to capture the flavour which you are indicating.

>J>Along the epic thing: you could do a poem in eight sections: views down all seven routes plus opening and closing views of the centre. Each view might have several verses. I can see that could be an excellent work and might be of interest to locals - maybe printed and displayed on a wine bar wall or in a gallery. Just an idea.

You are probably right that the poem is too brief to really capture the flavour of the place, though I don't find it easy to write long poems. Thanks for the suggestion and the pointeres, definitely food for thought. Ah, imagine having it displayed on a wine bar wall (so long as they didn't use it for darts practice).

I have just found a panoramic picture of the seven roads. It doesn't shoe the centre and is a bit deceptive as it makes it look bigger than it is but if anyone is interested, here is the link:

http://www.explore-london.co.uk/sevd.html

thanks very much for your comments and thoughts.

Nina

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Nina.

I enjoyed this very much and hope to visit this place someday (because you’ve peeked my curiosity).

Saturday night,
Summer heat;
setting Sun[,] (I don’t think Sun needs capitalization?)
fading light. (an alternate for light: ‘glow’ for your consideration)
Very visual opening – love it!

Seven Dials -
seven streets;
vibrant vibe,
milling crowds. (for alliterative consideration: ‘collective crowds’ – would add a beat though)
Even though I had to read your explanation at the bottom of the poem, with this stanza, you describe the seven dials perfectly!

Sundial pillar:
tourist spot;
rickshaw rides,
cobbled roads.
Excellent follow-up to give visual appeal - like L3 for alliteration.

limousines, (Capitalize please)
blackened windows;
tight turns
snaked around.
Who is in there? Good mystery flair.

Sipping cider,
watching, waiting;
ever-moving,
human show.

Nina - the last stanza really summarizes the theme/message of this poem – the human show at seven dials.

Thank you!

Cheers
~Cleo

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Lori

Thanks for taking a look at this poem and reminding me that I still have to revise it.

Saturday night,
Summer heat;
setting Sun[,] (I don’t think Sun needs capitalization?)
fading light. (an alternate for light: ‘glow’ for your consideration)
Very visual opening – love it!

I think Sun usually is capitalised. On the one hand I like glow but on the other, the glow from the activity and people milling around isn't fading at all

Seven Dials -
seven streets;
vibrant vibe,
milling crowds. (for alliterative consideration: ‘collective crowds’ – would add a beat though)
Even though I had to read your explanation at the bottom of the poem, with this stanza, you describe the seven dials perfectly!

Thanks, I prefer milling and I'm pleased the verse describes the area perfectly.

Sundial pillar:
tourist spot;
rickshaw rides,
cobbled roads.
Excellent follow-up to give visual appeal - like L3 for alliteration.

Thank you

limousines, (Capitalize please)
blackened windows;
tight turns
snaked around.
Who is in there? Good mystery flair.

oops, I missed that.

Sipping cider,
watching, waiting;
ever-moving,
human show.

Nina - the last stanza really summarizes the theme/message of this poem – the human show at seven dials.

again, thanks and the cider was very good too. I was over in the same pub last week again but they had run out of the draft cider.

Nina

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi all

I've now revised this and added another two verses to make it into seven. I hope you like what I've changed.

Nina

[Peterpan]

Hi all

I've now revised this and added another two verses to make it into seven. I hope you like what I've changed.

Nina

Hello Nina

Well, it was my suggestion that you have seven verses. And I really like what you have written. I also like what you have done with the Limos! I think it reads well and it is interesting in its 7's, and its topic.

Good Nina!

PP

[Guest_Nina_*]

Thanks Bev

I'm very pleased you like the changes.

Nina