Leah’s Voice ** (written 2 years ago, now under revision), free-verse Options

[jerryk]

Leah’s Voice (free-verse; written two years ago, now under revision) **

It’s me; Leah. I hit that darn wrong button,
and now I lost the picture—again.
Can you come and fix it, dear?

Okay, no sweat; and if I can’t,
l’ll stand in front of the TV screen
and talk to you…
naw, just joking, ha ha ha….

She repeats herself in a thousand words:
I hit the darn wrong button again….

So I push a few, for the second time this day,
and the evangelist reappears; she perceives
him as shadow. She certainly can’t see
the toll-free number.
Oh! how she loves the ministry.

Eighty-three and nearly blind, there’s
not too much for her to do;
but she spurs her rocking chair into
a lope—or canter, when one rides
English or dressage.

With the carelessness of the very old,
sitting in her rocker, she displays
her fence-netted swollen columns—
those blue varicose-veined legs.

Once they were clad in English
riding breeches and boots. I glance
at the photo of the lovely woman
accepting her trophy, then adjust
the volume for her….

There you go, Leah; all set.

Her mind is on the conjurer;
he retells bible stories that I don’t recall.
But he fascinates me, for he contorts
his face, gesticulates constantly, stalks
stiffly back and forth—like an animated target
at the carnival’s shooting gallery. I feel myself
falling under his spell….

Okay, take it easy, Leah; just call me.
From outside, I hear the shouting voice:
The Kiiiiiingdom of Heeeaven…!

That was two weeks ago. Remembering
her, I like to think she’s there.

[Alan]

Dear Jerry,

A very intriguing word-picture. All beautifully done, but the final couplet took me awhile to grasp, which of course spoiled the flow. There surely is a clearer way of stating that thought ?

Love
Alan

PS my other thought is about presentation :

LEAH'S VOICE
(free-verse; written two years ago, now under revision) **

somehow makes it a bolder statement, rather than just an afterthought coming in before, if you get my drift !

[jerryk]

Good morning to you, Alan;
as always, thank you for reading my stuff; no matter how you word it, your critique always leads me to refocus and scrutinize my lines. About the couplet: I'm simply saying that Leah had passed on, hopefully reached her destination that might be "The Kiiiiiingdom of Heeeaven…!"

Okay, I'll think on this one. Thanks Alan, truly appreciate your comment; again, thanks for reading. Jerry

Dear Jerry,

A very intriguing word-picture. All beautifully done, but the final couplet took me awhile to grasp, which of course spoiled the flow. There surely is a clearer way of stating that thought ?

Love
Alan

PS my other thought is about presentation :

LEAH'S VOICE
(free-verse; written two years ago, now under revision) **

somehow makes it a bolder statement, rather than just an afterthought coming in before, if you get my drift !

[Alan]

Dear Jerry,

Aha ! So she has died. I did not get that from the poem. Have a think.

Love
Alan

[jerryk]

Hi there, Alan;
yeah, actually she died some time ago; this is one poem I have been working on for a while, as is the case with much of my "peotry." Thanks for the return, Alan. Take care.
Jerry

Dear Jerry,

Aha ! So she has died. I did not get that from the poem. Have a think.

Love
Alan