Past Presents, Times Ten - Revision of 01/21/08 (The Last and Final) Options

[Larry]

Past Presents

The warmth of morning cocoa dissipated to mere taste,
so too, the sweet aroma of a slowly roasting goose;
both swept away by Autumn’s breath, exhaled into the past.
As Winter’s respite ended, breaking season's yearly truce,

we walked together through the naked woodlands. Where the trees
lift barren arms imploring Spring to hurry on her way.
Out past the furrowed fields behind the tired barn began
our path, worn smooth, from long ago’s forgotten yesterday.

Dad’s old sleigh, broken down, now holds our logs for winter fires
upon its rusted runners… crooked smile of wooden teeth.
Piled high on tattered leather seats, where children used to ride,
are spicy scented pine boughs, harvested to make our wreath.

We traced old steps until the chill nipped noses, crimson red,
then hurried back before the first snow flakes came drifting down
to blanket our small world in white serenity and peace
where memories are neighbors and the forest is our town.

[Merlin]

Greetings Larry,

In this neck of the woodlands, it isn't recommended to walk naked in winter.

You've chosen to capitalize seasons, as in personification. Many do, but for grammar it wouldn't be necessary.

Lotsa good images; the one I'd like to see improved is the "time-worn seats", which would be far more illustrative if a cheeky thing, rather than time, had worn them out. Time-worn, well, you know, it's rather time-worn.

Merlin

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Larry,

Your next to last stanza is particularly appealing.

Don

[Larry]

Hi Merlin & Don,

Merlin, walking or even running around naked down here in S.E. Louisiana is not a recommended pastime during the winter. A person would quickly resemble a quaking Aspen with a frozen Ash.

Perhaps, instead of "time-worn", something like:

"Piled high on blackened leather seats, where children used to ride"

or, ...blackened tattered seats...

I can't imagine how to use years of posterior polishing and maintain my meter, even with tongue tucked firmly in cheek! Give me some feedback or maybe a suggestion or two. I posted this from a Times 10 with Lori's urging and was more concerned with utilizing all 10 words than weeding out trite and oh so tired euphemisms. I will, however, maintain the capitalized seasons for the reason you mentioned...personification.

Don,
I hope my changing a tidbit in the second to last stanza does not make it any less appealing. Merlin did bring up a very good point about the "time-worn" description of the seats being a teensy bit "time-worn".

Thank you both for your input.

Larry

[Guest_Don_*]

I am certain a tad more polishing will not tarnish the charm.

Don

[AMETHYST]

Hello Larry,

My this is tasty treat to read ... you've made great use of sounds, like a dance on the lips to the ear ... wonderfully paced blends of working together which compliment the images through out. I felt the first couple of lines (setting the scene of warm coco on the start of morning, turning into a slow roasting goose) immediately set the idea in my mind of a Sunday Morning, during a brisk Autumn time ... and with the follow up of the season's changing, I am to believe that the scents and tastes are the longings of what has come to pass ... a sort of the heights of the year that has left the narrator ... I enjoyed the use and pondering of the use of 'truce' ... very nice.

The title gave me a lovely smile after the first read, the duality of 'presents' is great!

My first suggestion might be for L4 of S1, to come to a full stop and then begin S2 with "We walked ..." in L1 of S2, I also thought for a moment (had to reread it to get the idea out of my head) that the narrator was walking naked... but of course on second read it is the woodlands that are bare of leaves...

The rest is beautiful... I especially liked the characterization you've used to bring personality to unanimated objects (such as crooked smile/wooden teeth) it offers such depth to the detail of the scenery conservatively. However, my favorite line is the final line ... it is a poem in its own right.

Wonderful poem, Larry ... wish I could be more critical but there isn't much to nibble on..

Best Wishes, Liz

[Larry]

Hi Liz,
Nice to meet you on-line. I've read a lot of your work and it is wonderful. Thanks for the crits. I had, on first write, started S2L1 as a new sentence but was trying to be wary of too many end stops. Guess I was just being overly cautious. I shall change it as you suggested. You are the second reader to "read" about the naked narrator, or perhaps Merlin was just trying to gig me.

Thank you for the nomination. I accept it gladly.

Answers for the Nomination:

Are you the original author of this poem?
Yes
Has this poem ever been published?
Only online for the X10 challenge
Has this poem been nominated by any other participating board (of IBPC)?
No
Has this poem been reviewed as "best and final" to assure the latest revision is judged?
Not yet but will soon be. (as soon as I post this reply!)
Is your email address on file up to date (what is it)?
yes...ldj1946@aol.com
Do you accept the nomination to submit the work (if selected to represent MM)?
Yes, and thank you once more for your nomination.
If yes to above question, what is your real name?
Larry Don Jennings


Larry

[Mary Boren]

Congrats on the well-deserved nomination, Larry. The poem is just beautiful, with a title befitting the picture-perfect mood you've set.

Favorite bits:

the naked woodlands, where the trees
lift barren arms,

long ago’s forgotten yesterday.

memories are neighbors and the forest is our town.

Tiny nits:

The warmth of morning cocoa dissipated to a taste,
so too, the sweet aroma of a slowly roasting goose;
both swept away by Autumn’s breath, exhaled into the past.
As Winters’s respite ended, broke the seasons yearly truce.

Could be just me, but it seems the taste is left hanging there in need of a descriptor. I expected the second line to tell me "of what?" L4 is an incomplete sentence.

Good luck with this!

Mary

[Larry]

Hello and thank you Mary,

Last nit first! I thought it sounded incomplete when I changed it due to Liz's suggestion. S1L4 did continue on to S2L1. The original sentence ended with S2L2. Guess I better re-punctuate as soon as I post this.

First nit...
The warmth of the cocoa was gone and there was nothing left of the cocoa but "a taste" which was, along with the aroma of the roasting goose, swept away by Autumn's breath. I didn't want to use "the" taste because I was trying to include the aroma (which is actually tasting with the nose) of the goose.

I do so want you to understand my train of thought. It was you and and your friends at Tenderbytes who gave me back my muse. Since that surprising invite on April Fools day, I've written over 200 pieces and I don't think that would have happened otherwise. I appreciate your input and admire your work (and word play) and value your judgement. Nada Lott but a Huge A. Mount!

Larry

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Larry,

I was going to suggest tattered leather and there you've already edited it - great minds?

As I mentioned before, I'm thrilled that you took me up on my suggestion to post this one for critique, not only so you could receive commentary and fine-tuning, but to have a larger audience, and as such - am also glad that Liz nominated this one for IBPC. The imagery really is beautiful throughout as you take us through many seasons and senses. The soft rhymes work well and I too, love this lead up to this couplet:

we walked together through the naked woodlands, where the trees
lift barren arms, imploring Spring to hurry on her way.

It's breathtakingly beautiful!

I have two suggestions for your opening, since a few others mentioned it for you to ponder:

The warmth of morning cocoa dissipated to a taste, (maybe: in its taste?)
so too, the sweet aroma of a slowly roasting goose;
both swept away by Autumn’s breath, exhaled into the past.
As Winters’s respite ended, broke the seasons yearly truce, (maybe: ‘breaking seasons’ instead?)

In this couplet: Piled high on tattered leather seats, where children used to ride, are spicy scented pine boughs, harvested to make our wreath. - I just had to tell you I could almost SMELL the pine needles! Great wording!

You've really pumped up the volume, the ending is just as sweet as the entire poem - well done! Best of luck in the IBPC, Larry. (No matter really, as it's already a winner!)

Cheers
~Cleo

[Larry]

Okay Lori and Mary,

Is the new posting better? I wanted to keep the thought that there was nothing left of the cocoa except a "mere taste".

Lori,
Thanks for the idea of using "breaking". I did find two goofs that went under everyone's (including mine) radar. "Winters's" I changed to possessive "Winter's" without the extra "s" and "seasons" was plural instead of possessive as was my intent. That too was changed to "season's" and now, as far as I am concerned, it is (best and final) and ready for submission.

Thank you all for your help in polishing.

Larry

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Larry,

I totally missed the extra 's' in Winter's before! :silly: YES, the change to mere taste works and I simply say:

I'll edit the poem in the IBPC tile now and wish you all the best with this poem, it's very lovely!

~Cleo