 Our Aching Life |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
  Dec 11 08, 09:26
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#1
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 Creative Chieftain  Posts: 1,621 Joined: 18-August 05 From: Johannesburg, South Africa Member No.: 127 Real Name: Beverleigh Gail Annegarn Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Jox  |
Our Aching Life
Let Spring melt your heart while blossoms bud distracting your view past the TV screen - flashing life and death in another hemisphere. War, famine and disease filter through the minds of immorality. Banish suffering from your quivering laugh. Smile through the hours of darkness. God will send comfort and rain. Copyright © December 2008 Beverleigh Gail Annegarn ·······  ······· |
  
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| Guest_ohsteve_* |
Dec 13 08, 10:45
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Bev, Very good writing, I liked the end line, 'God will send comfort and rain.' very interesting.
Steve |
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Dec 13 08, 12:22
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#3
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 1,621 Joined: 18-August 05 From: Johannesburg, South Africa Member No.: 127 Real Name: Beverleigh Gail Annegarn Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Jox |
Hi Steve~
Sorry the poem is so depressing. I find the world a depressing place of late. But, I try to see the positive and be optimistic in all things...  Thanks for commenting and reading. Bev ······· ······· |
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Jan 5 09, 15:44
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#4
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 1,621 Joined: 18-August 05 From: Johannesburg, South Africa Member No.: 127 Real Name: Beverleigh Gail Annegarn Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Jox |
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Jan 6 09, 19:53
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#5
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Babylonian Posts: 126 Joined: 29-December 08 From: Alamosa, Colorado USA Member No.: 742 Real Name: vess quinlan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:serendipity |
Hello Peterpan,
Depressing poems are sometimes the only rational comment. This is a good poem. The only change I would make is to say While buds bloom Distracting from (Dropping the from your view line). I think it helps the flow. Please observe my caveat. (If my suggestion does not cause you to smite forehead and exclaim. Why didn't I think of that? Please ignore me. Vess |
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Jan 8 09, 05:51
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#6
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 Babylonian Posts: 69 Joined: 24-February 05 From: Houma, LA Member No.: 101 Real Name: Leigh Ann Writer of: Poetry |
Bev,
I liked this--I don't think you should apologize for it being depressing...it is what it is, and I think it reads very well. I especially like this line "Banish suffering from your quivering laugh" |
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Jan 8 09, 05:56
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#7
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 1,621 Joined: 18-August 05 From: Johannesburg, South Africa Member No.: 127 Real Name: Beverleigh Gail Annegarn Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Jox |
QUOTE (galoutofdixie @ Jan 8 09, 12:51 ) [snapback]112646[/snapback] Bev, I liked this--I don't think you should apologize for it being depressing...it is what it is, and I think it reads very well. I especially like this line "Banish suffering from your quivering laugh" Hello galoutofdixie~ My family come from Norfolk in England! I am in sunny South Africa (presently on holiday at the sunny, warm beach!) Thank you for your comments and reassurance. Depressing poetry and writing has much more impact than happy...one day I will change that...I strive to write happy poetry. With appreciation for your time. Bev ······· ······· |
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Jan 8 09, 06:48
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#8
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Bev,
 I really enjoyed the simple straight-forwardness of your message in this poem. There's just one area to nit which happens to be my favorite line: Banish suffering from your quivering laugh. My nit is having both 'ing' words in there. I suggest replacing 'suffering' with either affliction, adversity, misfortune or torment. I might have arranged the poem like this below to force a pause at certain words: Let Spring melt your heart while blossoms bud distracting your view past the TV screen - flashing life and death in another hemisphere. War, famine and disease filter through the minds of immorality. Banish suffering from your quivering laugh. Smile through the hours of darkness. God will send comfort and rain. A poignant poem that ends with hope, Bev! ~Cleo
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner           |
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Jan 8 09, 07:27
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#9
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 1,621 Joined: 18-August 05 From: Johannesburg, South Africa Member No.: 127 Real Name: Beverleigh Gail Annegarn Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Jox |
Hello Lori~
Happy New Year! I see a lot of new board activity? Thank you for your kind words and as usual clever assistance with my poetry. I really appreciate it. I am on holiday with my parents until next week. A lot of resting and quality time. Important at their stage of life. I will look closer and revise. Sincere appreciation. Bev ······· ······· |
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Jan 8 09, 10:41
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#10
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 Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 783 Joined: 24-July 07 From: South Africa Member No.: 457 Real Name: Walter Schwim Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Mistral |
Hi Bev
Best wishes and a super 2009 to you. This beauty is actually quite profound. No nits for except the layout. Why such short lines in the first strophe. The flow is beautiful and the line breaks simply upset the rhythm for me. Flow should overide cosmetics. Hugs, Wally ······· ······· |
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Jan 8 09, 13:10
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#11
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 1,621 Joined: 18-August 05 From: Johannesburg, South Africa Member No.: 127 Real Name: Beverleigh Gail Annegarn Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Jox |
QUOTE (Thoth @ Jan 8 09, 17:41 ) [snapback]112655[/snapback] Hi Bev Best wishes and a super 2009 to you. This beauty is actually quite profound. No nits for except the layout. Why such short lines in the first strophe. The flow is beautiful and the line breaks simply upset the rhythm for me. Flow should overide cosmetics. Hugs, Wally Hi Wally~ Nothing was thought out really, the words just appeared on my screen that way...I will take a closer look.:) Thank you for stopping by andf the wishes. I hope 2009 brings many accolades for you too. Appreciation for your kind words. Bev ······· ······· |
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Jan 8 09, 18:20
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#12
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Bev
A very thought provoking poem about life and I like the feeling of hope you have shown at the end. Someone mentioned this line 'while blossoms bud' and I think I agree it should be the other way around 'while buds blossom (or bloom)' Always good to read your work Snow 
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner    |
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