Watcher, Country surprise Options

[Guest_Brahms_*]

Large long wing soft-voiced crow flying
40 feet up straight east
through morning quiet drawing
a wandered smaller crow
left alone.

This passing bird soft gurgling
occasional comment
which left me wondering
what was that bird's
name?

Horses fed their grained gruel warming
those damp nuggets to soften
measured hay flakes filling
plans for pranced
colt frolic.

Each stall now cleaning
last supper's memory
to bring this barn smelling
of hay bales and work
draws peace.

Now to re-cross valley stepping
breath of fresh air allows
large winged bird heading
400 feet up westward
Raven returns.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Stephen - good to see you; been ages. how are you?

I have not suggested any additional punctuation, since you seem only to have employed full stops at the end of verses.

The first line seems too long and, perhaps, a tad illogical ("flying" might be better on the following line). However, because of your use of "ing" every first and third line, I've not suggested anything there, either.

I would, usually, suggest replacing "40" with "forty". However, I can see it mirrors the "400" in the final verse; just as east is mirrored by west.

I think, given all the above, there is nothing I can really suggest.

A well-constructed and interesting poem, Stephen. Well done and welcome back.

James.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Stephen!  Interesting poem!  I have some thoughts that you
can toss if you don't agree. :)

Large long wing soft-voiced crow flying
40 feet up straight east
through morning quiet drawing
a wandered smaller crow
left alone.
I think the first line is too long.  Maybe you could omit
"soft-voiced".  I really don't think I've ever heard a soft-
voiced crow.  They seem pretty noisy and loud to me.  LOL
I would replace 40 with forty, I think numbers look odd in a
poem.  As it looks as though you are avoiding punctuation
I won't offer any.  I think line 4 might sound better as ...
"a wandering smaller crow"

This passing bird soft gurgling
occasional comment
which left me wondering
what was that bird's
name?
Since the last two lines seem to be your thoughts should
they be ... "what was that bird's name?"

Now to re-cross valley stepping
breath of fresh air allows
large winged bird heading
400 feet up westward
Raven returns.
I'm confused by the first two lines.  Who or what is "stepping"
and where?  The valley can't step and neither can a breath of
fresh air.  Am I missing something here?  Should "large winged" be
hyphenated?  I would replace 400 with four hundred.  These suggestions
are just my opinion so please ignore if you don't agree.

Cathy

[Guest_Billydo_*]

Hi

This paints an image in my mind of a place to which I have never been, but seen on TV. Probably inaccurate, but pleasant, never the less.

Delightful imagery.

Cheers

Mike

[Guest_Brahms_*]

Good morning folks, good to be here again at this poetic campfire.
My spinal surgery and dealing with the gentle recovery
has lessened the pace of this forest gypsy.

James, this was a fun bit of poetic tomfoolery as I have had no
promting to writing in a long time.  By the third stanza I noticed
my habit of 'ing' with the firt and third lines so I kept it up.
My written use of 40 and 400 felt untalented, yet I was
writing again so I just continued with this song-making.

Cathy, the description of 'soft voiced' was accurate and lent
a mystery to my supposed 'crow' indentification.  Being
early morning I merely went through my paces with the
morning ritual of grain and then hay feeding as I moved
the horses to their 'daytime' pastural places.  Then when
as I finished the routine and was stepping to return to
my home I noticed the large dark bird flying 400' up in the
opposite western direction and I remembered the local
native Indian decription as the raven being the 'watcher'
of the land.  I remembered how ravens are good at
immitating other animal calls.  It felt like he was softly
acknowledging me 40 feet below as this morning began,
so such was the unfolding of this white man who is in
the habit of labeling what he sees of nature.

Mike, this simply was a description of what actually happened
that morning which I mildly wondered with during my usual
horse feeding routine and was 'blasted' with reality seeing
the raven far above as I stepped home at the end of it all.

Enough!  Good morning folks,

Stephen 'Brahms'  (the name of my big Belgium draft/Appaloosa)

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Stephen,

I did not realise you had been unwell, let alone had spinal surgery.

I wish you a steady, speedy and successful recovery and shall be looking forward to the time when you are back writing again.

All the very best to you and good luck.

James.

[AMETHYST]

Hello Stephen,

There is so much to this poem that I enjoyed, that the minor nitches that caused me to trip abit seemed louder than the really are, compared to the smoother passages surrounding them.


I will point out the lines/area's that caused me a stumble...and hopefully leave something worthy in turn.

Best Regards, Liz

Large long wing soft-voiced crow flying
40 feet up straight east
through morning quiet drawing
a wandered smaller crow
left alone.

L1 in S1, I am having a difficult time understanding where the description of large/long come in. I found this too many over lapping descripters... and as everyone has mentioned, the line is a bit too long. Also in L2, up straight east, again made little sense. Eastbound to me would be sideways, while up straight to me might infer northbound...
Perhaps-

With long wings, soft-voice
a crow flies; 40 feet east
through a morning quiet drawing;
leaving alone, a wandered
smaller crow.



This passing bird soft gurgling
occasional comment
which left me wondering
what was that bird's
name?

L1, it would help the reader to place pauses and stops that help understnad the content easier. In L1, S2 perhaps a comma after bird


Horses fed their grained gruel warming
those damp nuggets to soften
measured hay flakes filling
plans for pranced
colt frolic.

I would suggest in S3, bringing up L5 to end of L4...


Each stall now cleaning
last supper's memory
to bring this barn smelling
of hay bales and work
draws peace.


L1, perhaps ... Each stall now cleaned, not really sure where this was going lto. ...


Now to re-cross valley stepping
breath of fresh air allows
large winged bird heading
400 feet up westward
Raven returns.

Cool ending, just a minor tweak of '400 feet westward-Raven returns'

[Cybele]

Good morning Stephen,

How lovely to see you here again. I realise that you have been dogged by ill-health for a long time but I am delighted to see you writing again. It is strange how even the smallest of incidents can stir the muse.

Cathy, the description of 'soft voiced' was accurate and lent
a mystery to my supposed 'crow' indentification.  Being
early morning I merely went through my paces with the
morning ritual of grain and then hay feeding as I moved
the horses to their 'daytime' pastural places.  Then when
as I finished the routine and was stepping to return to
my home I noticed the large dark bird flying 400' up in the
opposite western direction and I remembered the local
native Indian decription as the raven being the 'watcher'
of the land.  I remembered how ravens are good at
immitating other animal calls.  It felt like he was softly
acknowledging me 40 feet below as this morning began,
so such was the unfolding of this white man who is in
the habit of labeling what he sees of nature.

This reply to Cathy had me mesmerised. I could see everything through your eyes Stephen, thank you. I just wondered whether or not, while you await the return of your poetic muse, you could use your wonderful descriptions to show us the peaceful life you lead so close to nature? You have a real talent for prose as well Stephen. You might even find your poetic muse again by first writing a prose description of the natural surroundings of the country where you live and work.  :claps:

[Guest_Brahms_*]

Liz, thank you for the eased reminder of smooth writing manner.
Events including re-alignment of my spine crooked after the
logging accident I had 27 years ago falling 240' down a steep
waterfall cliff which broke bones and unfocused/loosened
connections in my mind.  I had to relearn everything and found
this coolection of my past writing, kind of like discovering good
skiis after completely loosing your semse of balance & memory.

Maybe see you all again when I again dash down poetic slopes,

Stephen

[Guest_Brahms_*]

Grace, thank you for your strongly affirmative response to my writing.
What an excellent challenge you give me!  I wonder, should I share
my past main poem written 6 months before my logging accident
which was so like a winter's hiberation which greatly changed this
past grateful caterpillar into a wandering forest moth/butterfly?
Or maybe weave the camping, forestry/landscaping schooling,
many years forest and field working into a tune of today?
I am proud of the first main poem sharing and completely am glad
for the singing opportunity of the tune of my own journey.
The first will be easy and I'll prepare for the last,

Stephen

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Stephen

Thank you for the explanation as it made the poem a lot clearer.  I had never heard of the raven being known as a "watcher" nor that it was good at imitating other bird calls.  

Nina

[JustDaniel]

Dear Stephen,

I'm pleased to see you as well, also not knowing of your accident or surgery.  I wish you the best in your continuing recovery and your finding your poetic voice.  I can see the therapy in what you're doing here; I did quite a bit of it myself... and in fact have posted a piece here about a Wheelchair in this forum that was written while I was in the process... and ABOUT the process.

I'm just wondering about the one phrase: "a wandered smaller crow..."  I don't know what a "wandered" anything might be; I guess I don't know that use of the word... but I'm wondering if this smaller crow is YOU?  Somehow I get that impression, but I'm really unsure here.

Liz and Cathy, who are much better with free verse than I, have offered some good suggestions, so I'll not try yet, till I see the picture clearer.  However, since you shared with us HOW you came to repeat the "ing" words somewhat by accident and then continued, perhaps, since you said you were playing in the very writing of this poem, you might play further.

I MUST echo Grace's observation about your imagery and the prospect of your doing some more pastoral imagery-making, as you have ventured into here.  I'll look forward to your taking up the challenge!

There's a lot to like in this piece!
(fellow-) patient-ly watching for continuing signs of your recovering muse, Daniel  

OOPS... I just realized that my piece is in the OTHER forum.  sorry!  :speechless: