Not the Wind, metered burst followed by free verse Options

[Daniel Barlow]

Not the wind that will mirthlessly court
the wild ranges, eroding all time
or the dark where the river-mouth flows--
flows and loses itself to the sea,
but the heart that must wander like mine
and the absence of her reverie.

----------------

Perhaps we were only players
who willingly threw ourselves
into the parts, never second guessing love, but
carried by the fullness of our hearts and
grounded by the whimsy of laughter.

We might have existed there,
living out the days of life's great reprieve,
exploring the sanctuary and limitlessness
of that simple accord-- the rareness of chance.

I would not have willingly left.

But like actors who read
from a well thumbed (yin & yang) script,
we would stumble on life
and the discovery
of hairline fractures
so that we fumbled our lines--

the words falling to nothing
between us.

Perhaps it was then
we knew each other.

Pity dawning in eyes
that searched out
the sorrow-song of a heart
masquerading as poetry.

Embarrassed tolls
strafing a soul that finally understood
you had no ear for nature--
that balked as you turned from the sun,

so that in the dusk we stood, banked,
on opposite sides of the river-- with

you grimly clutching indifference,
divorce and our two small children,

where the sound of a river
loses itself to the sea.

[Sekhmet]

Your verse was so poignant - there were so many well expressed, and deeply felt emotions. Anyone in a long lasting marriage will recognise those moments when:-

"like actors who read
from a well thumbed (yin & yang) script,
we would stumble on life
and the discovery
of hairline fractures,
so that we fumbled our lines"

Sometimes, the 'prompt', (a voice from the 'wings' of the stage, and who has the book before him.) will give us our forgotten lines - and we can recover ourselves, and go on with the play. But often, we have to leave the stage, because we cannot hear the prompt - and, for us, the show cannot 'go on'.
If there were bugs to find - they were camouflaged for me by the beauty of your poem.
Leo

[Maggie]

Hi Daniel,

A sad and poignant poem which is beautifully expressed. I have no suggestions for improvement.

Well done IMHO.

Peggy

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Danial, Very well done sir, I got lost in your lines, the only thing I stumbled on was...'from a well thumbed (yin & yang) script,' the yin & yang thing just didn't make it for me... but this was a whole poem in and of itself:

Not the wind that will mirthlessly court
the wild ranges, eroding all time
or the dark where the river-mouth flows--
flows and loses itself to the sea,
but the heart that must wander like mine
and the absence of her reverie.

I really love this section.
Steve

[Daniel Barlow]

Thank you Leo,

I appreciate your kind comments and very much enjoyed reading the thoughts you offered which were like poetry themselves.

I've been away from the poetry scene for a while ( I used to be active at Liz and Snow's board) and don't write much free verse but it seems like you have a great bunch here and I've been impressed with the poems I've read.

Thanks Peggy,

I'm very pleased you enjoyed this and appreciate your thoughts.

Thanks Steve,

Originally the poem was just the section you highlighted but I've been playing the with the idea of using both styles.

If there was one place in the poem I had the most concerns about then you found it. I guess I liked the symbolism of that image and how the rifts in the relationship seemed to create an empty space between it but as you say I'm not so sure it fits.

Thanks everyone for your time.

I have to get ready for work but I have a feeling I'm not going to be a stranger.


Appreciatively,
Daniel

[Eisa]

Oh Daniel! - how great it is to see you. I have missed you so much!!!! I was thinking of you a couple of weeks ago and wondering how you are doing. I hope we'll be seeing more of you.

I have missed your poetry - your wonderful sonnets. If I remember, you used to struggle with FV at times. Well this is stunning, Daniel. You have expresssed a deep poignancy here, that I'm sure every reader will draw from your words. It has such beauty in its sadness, that I couldn't stop reading until the end.

I love so many of your fresh word choices ~

'ying & yang'

Embarrassed tolls
strafing a soul

You mention 2 young children at the end and I have to ask (hoping it's not so) if this is a personal poem. I hope not, as that would make my heart ache.

I hope we will see a lot more of you -- please keep coming back!

Hugs
Snow

[Daniel Barlow]

Thanks Snow, :)

It's really nice to be around you again and I appreciate your kind words about the poem. Unfortunately it's a true story. We had a heck of a struggle trying to keep the house since our hours at work dropped away to hardly anything. I was working six days just to try and get extra hours, switched companies and then... well I'd rather not go in to it, but I'm doing my best for the kids and trying to make the best of things since the rest of it's out of my control.

Poetry has always been a positive and I'm quite excited by the poems I've been reading around here so yes, I'll be around.

:)

Daniel

[Eisa]

Hi Daniel, I feel so sad for you I thought when I read your poem it was straight from the heart. I'll pm you when I have more time.

I'm really going to enjoy having you around again.

Snow

[Maggie]

Hi Daniel,

I'm so sorry to hear that this sad poem is autobiographical!! You will be in my thoughts!!

I am glad, however, to hear that you will be around MM!! You indeed have a gift with words!!!

Peggy

[Psyche]

Hi Daniel,

I've read your piece thru' twice and enjoyed it immensely. I believe I have 1 or 2 suggestions to make, but will return when my mind is less dim (hopefully).

It's so poignant. You've chosen words & style deftly to paint a picture of the dissolution of a once happy union. I'm also sorry to learn it's autobiographical. That, of course, takes away a bit of the enjoyment, but not the admiration for good writing.

Best, Syl***

[Daniel Barlow]

Thanks, Snow & Peggy

I'm doin ok and appreciate your kind words and encouragement to join in.

DB

Thanks, Syl

I appreciate your kind words also and look forward to any thoughts you might have to offer.

DB

[Guest_bipolarwriter_*]

I am new here. I have read lot of pieces. When I began reading this your words were weaving throughout my head. I think that is what a good writer does, they weave their words throughout the reader's head. They do not just read the words they experience them. That is what I did while reading this piece. I hope to become a better writer by learning from writer's like you. Thank you for such a sad yet beautiful piece.
Melody

[vessq]

Hi Daniel,

This is a really good poem. I read all the comments so will not repeat any except for the kudos consider them all repeated.

I especially like the mix of blank verse and traditional rhyme.

I have a few suggestions for minor changes. Give ying and yang their own line and remove the quotation marks. Line break after love and start the next line with But. Trade never for (not questioning love.)

Good work.

Vess

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Daniel and welcome back to MM.

I have been remiss in commenting as your message cuts very deeply straight to my heart. I too am going through an emotional time at present. I haven't found strength to write and so I commend you for your wonderful metaphors and inner rhymes here. This is such a sad glimpse of life.

I really felt this opening as it hints at what is to come:

the heart that must wander like mine
and the absence of her reverie.

----------------

If I may offer a slight re-arrangement here, it might go like this:

Perhaps we were only players
who willingly threw ourselves
into the parts,
never second guessing love,
but carried by the fullness
of our hearts
and grounded by the whimsy
of laughter.
Could you utilize the word "encore" in this opening, perhaps 'encore's laughter'?

We might have existed there,
living out the days of life's great reprieve, **great word choices here**
exploring the sanctuary and limitlessness
of that simple accord-- the rareness of chance.
A powerful image of the simpler times, when the relationship was effortless and peaceful.

I would not have willingly left.
YES! This line must stand alone as you've done - it';s shock value really draws in the reader - the turn, potent!

But like actors who read
from a well thumbed (yin & yang) script, **not sure you need yin & yang?**
we would stumble on life **is there another word to express 'life' in this line?
and the discovery
of hairline fractures
so that we fumbled our lines--

the words falling to nothing **I like the potentcy of this - but wonder if "falling" could be viewed as "cracking" and is "nothing" the best word to describe the desolation/emptiness?
between us.

Perhaps it was then
we knew each other.

Pity dawning in eyes **I think the correct tense may be to say 'dawned' here?
that searched out
the sorrow-song of a heart
masquerading as poetry.

Embarrassed tolls
strafing a soul that finally understood
you had no ear for nature-- (nature's melody?)
that balked as you turned from the sun,

so that in the dusk we stood, banked,
on opposite sides of the river-- with

you grimly clutching indifference,
divorce and our two small children,

where the sound of a river
loses itself to the sea.

Shattering ending that really brings home the depth of this loss. I wish for you better days to come and in time, a place where you find comfort.

Hugs
~Lori