Welcome Guest ( Log In | Register )

IPB
 
Reply to this topicStart new topic
> A Peep Into Pepy's Diary - 1632
RC James
post Nov 2 15, 12:16
Post #1


Assyrian
**

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 250
Joined: 1-November 15
Member No.: 5,282
Real Name: richard chase
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Rhapsody



Rather than trying to repair the broken meter, I'll follow the suggestion that this is really a free verse in rhyme. I've converted it to free verse without rhyme, and I know it should be in the free verse forum, but this is where it started and, now where it's ended up in another form. RC (The original somehow disappeared, but the full text is in the comments, I think, in Eisa's section. )


(A Peep Into Pepys's Diary

My sweet children are tucked all under down,
there to dream awhile; you are on an errant
night)

After editing and including the original, Igot the above. I'll try now to add the revised version:



My sweet children are tucked all under down,
there to dream awhile; you are on an errant
night’s errand in full-blown chantilly elegance.
Dreams, as I often in passing mentioned, are
the darker, solitary side of our inventions.

Your thoughts in turmoil won’t alter matters,
anyone surveilling me will report no infidelity;
and humbly, with these amends I bow to thee.
I swear these flirtations have ceased, my penance
has swiftly begun; lacking your smile i’m a-fuddle.

Sophie’s off to a new house, dalliances I now abhor,
no more wenching nor desperate trips backstage,
you blossoming in my arms forever is all I truly crave.
Your form alone will hold me willingly in a gentle cage,
knight’s honor, cast me to the cellar if I so sin again.
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Cleo_Serapis
post Nov 2 15, 18:02
Post #2


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,891
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



Hi RC! wave.gif

I just wanted to say hello for now and let you know I plan to come back and offer commentary later this week.

Thanks for posting!

~Cleo sun.gif



·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Eisa
post Nov 3 15, 08:44
Post #3


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Hi Richard,

I am so pleased you have made your way to MM. Welcome!

Your title drew me here - very clever play on words.
I'll leave a few initial thoughts between the stanzas.


[quote name='RC James' date='Nov 2 15, 17:16 ' post='139637']
Children tucked all under down, there to dream awhile,
you on an errant night’s errand in full chantilly’d style.
Dreams, as oft before I did in passing mention,
are the darker, more solitary side of invention,

L3 - think 'Chantilly style' looks a bit better.

but, given your thought’s residence now in turmoil,
they won’t alter matters in which you’re embroiled.
A man surveilling me abroad will report no infidelity;
my penance past due with these amends I bow to thee.

Oh lasting love I swear these flirtation are done,
my penance, should thee allow, has swiftly begun.
The Lord, in the past, has guided me through these troubles,
but without your sweet smile I am all befuddled.

L1 - should be these flirtations(plural) I think

Sophie’s anon to a new house, therewith the full affair.
If forgiveness there be not, my life will be I know not where.
Far above trifling dalliances, whose allure I do abhor,
you a tumble in my arms is all I crave forevermore.

L2 sounds very archaic - but then I suppose it fits the poem
L4 doesn't sound quite right as it stands. Perhaps something like
You tumbling into my arms is all I crave for evermore


Not a jot more wenching, nor visits to make up backstage,
I’ll gaze on thy form alone, gentle as a pup in a cage.
This I do heartily swear by my knight’s honor and kin,
relegate me to cellardom if again I should so sin.

A great read Richard. I'll come back later to see if I have any more thoughts.
Keep 'em coming Richard!

Eisa/Snow




·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
anaisa
post Nov 7 15, 14:28
Post #4


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry



Hi Richard,

I like the essence of the poem, but the downside is the meter isn't steady, that's my concern.
Sorry I don't anything else to add to Eria's comments and I'm not sure how helpful my critique is at this point.
Perhaps strive for an equal amount of hard stresses per line and see what happens, if it is smoother. That would mean making some lines
longer and some shorter.



Children tucked all under down, there to dream awhile,
you on an errant night’s errand in full chantilly’d style.
Dreams, as oft before I did in passing mention,
are the darker, more solitary side of invention,

but, given your thought’s residence now in turmoil,
they won’t alter matters in which you’re embroiled.
A man surveilling me abroad will report no infidelity;
my penance past due with these amends I bow to thee.

Oh lasting love I swear these flirtation are done,
my penance, should thee allow, has swiftly begun.
The Lord, in the past, guided me through these troubles,
but without your sweet smile I am all befuddled.

Sophie’s anon to a new house, therewith the full affair.
If forgiveness there be not, my life will be I know not where.
Far above trifling dalliances, whose allure I do abhor,
you a tumble in my arms is all I crave forevermore.

Not a jot more wenching, nor visits to make up backstage,
I’ll gaze on thy form alone, gentle as a pup in a cage.
This I do heartily swear by my knight’s honor and kin,
relegate me to cellardom if again I should so sin.


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Luce
post Nov 13 15, 21:01
Post #5


Assyrian
**

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 248
Joined: 10-November 15
From: Sunny Florida
Member No.: 5,293
Real Name: YC
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:TCP



Hi Richard

I think this is the first time I've ever read any of your metered pieces. I think I only saw your freelance ones in TCP.

What a difficult feat you gave yourself. Although I'm not an expert in metered pieces I did notice that you tried to keep your end rhymes from being too predictable or forced (awhile/style, mention/invention, done/begun). I can't say you succeed all the time, but the effort was definitely apparent. I also liked how you mainly kept the tone/period language throughout the piece - and that's not small potatoes.
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
jerryk
post Nov 17 15, 11:30
Post #6


Egyptian
**

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 369
Joined: 10-May 11
From: Outskirts of Sonoran Desert
Member No.: 4,480
Real Name: JerryK
Writer of: Poetry & Prose



Hi Richard;
I definitely remember you and your always interesting poems and comments from the other, now defunct site. Glad we meet again. Enjoyed your interesting poem, but it strikes me more as a free-verse. Even though you made good use of end rhymes, it isn't quite a formal poem, but rather a story in rhyme without emphasis on strict meter? There is some good stuff in your write. Good to see you, mickeymouse.gif
Jerry
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
JustDaniel
post Nov 21 15, 02:18
Post #7


Ornate Oracle
******

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 12,838
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Greetings, Richard.

I'd been absent here in the critique forums for some time while it was very quiet for some time, so I'm pleased to see so many taking part of late. It's VERY encouraging to me!

I enjoyed reading your rhyming verse and appreciated your including a couple of slant rhymes for variation. I like that.

As has been mentioned already, you've written without any discernable metrical pattern or syllabic count, so I think what we have here in its present form is rhyming free verse. There are a few people here who write in this style often, so I have no real criticism of it. I personally have difficulty writing free verse myself, so I can respect what you're doing here.

As to the tone of your piece, I don't think you're consistent with the archaic language, the use of "thee" without using such words as "hath" and also using "you" being the most obvious example. It's kind of, do it, or don't methinks?

I notice that you've not been back yet to respond to the others, and I certainly hope you will. I'll leave any further comments 'til after I see what you might intend to do more with this introspective piece. I'd be glad to take another look.

deLighting in your sharing, Daniel sun.gif

P.S. I do think it would be useful to actually post your title above the poem here, particularly because it adds a great deal of power to the piece! It drew me in, but then frankly I forgot about the title while I was reading the poem several times. It really needs to BE there in my opinion. Never neglect to use all of your tools!


·······IPB·······

Slow down; things will go faster!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
RC James
post Nov 21 15, 07:13
Post #8


Assyrian
**

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 250
Joined: 1-November 15
Member No.: 5,282
Real Name: richard chase
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Rhapsody



In answer to those of you who so accurately pointed out the errors and missteps in meter, I have to say I am completely unschooled in meter and in place of any working knowledge of it, I have always, when rarely attempting this form, counted my syllables and when they were uniform called it a done deal and packed off the poem to be disassembled by experts such as yourselves. I know there is a necessity for more than syllable count, and that is measured and uniform accent to provide a recognizeable rhythmic beat to the piece. I welcome any instruction on the matter, I know my attempts are deficient but have never known just how to go about fixing them. I enjoy well-done works, have always admired, partially worshipped, people like Donne, Herrick, Shelly, Keats, et. al., and love to read lines that intertwine themselves with meaning and sound through these formal means. I shied away from classical meter and rhyme because I thought the meaning was hostage to the structure, but have come to see that this is not always true and, in a way, the meaning can be seen in new and different light through these formal means. Thank you all for the constructive criticism, Richard
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
JustDaniel
post Nov 21 15, 10:23
Post #9


Ornate Oracle
******

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 12,838
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Wow, Richard....

some of us have had trouble of late accidentally deleting things we're writing. Did you accidentally delete your poem when you posted the title??

in Light of the ease of goofing, Daniel sun.gif


·······IPB·······

Slow down; things will go faster!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
RC James
post Nov 21 15, 11:16
Post #10


Assyrian
**

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 250
Joined: 1-November 15
Member No.: 5,282
Real Name: richard chase
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Rhapsody



JD - No, I didn't intentionally delete the poem, that's happened to me a couple time on here. I'll re-post it after I've done some revisions. RC
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Cleo_Serapis
post Nov 21 15, 16:23
Post #11


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,891
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



Hi, if anyone is having issues with editing, please let me know ASAP. In order to diagnose properly, the more information the better: what were you clicking, full edit or quick edit, what skin, which browser and what happened. I would need to send the data to Peter so he can check the logs. It may be that I need to find a new software forum or reactive my license for Invision Board snd update the board.
Apologies!
Lori


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:

Reply to this topicStart new topic

 

RSS Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 7th December 2019 - 06:43




Read our FLYERS - click below



Reference links provided to aid in fine-tuning your writings. ENJOY!

more Quotes
more Art Quotes
Dictionary.com ~ Thesaurus.com

Search:
for
Type in a word below to find its rhymes, synonyms, and more:

Word: