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> Reading an Old Poet- revised, modern sonnet
anaisa
post May 26 11, 21:49
Post #1


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revision

I'll never see the details of his days,
or trace my finger down his unknown face.
I'll never feel the texture of his hair,
or watch the ardent way he might embrace

a woman—but, it's of no consequence.
I've read his words and touched his intellect.
He could have died a century ago,
it really doesn't matter, I suspect.

The measure of a man, passion and wit.
The lure is how he wields a phrase. I've been
seduced by someone's lines— the subtle kind
without a mortal body, form or skin.

His intimacies: lawless, aching, swearing.
A brimming river ageless and unsparing.



first one

I'll never see the details of his days,
or trace my fingers down his unknown face.
I'll never feel the texture of his hair,
or watch the ardent way he might embrace

a woman—but, it's of no consequence.
I've read his verses, seen his intellect.
I hear he died a century ago,
it really doesn't matter, I suspect.

The passion of a man becomes his words,
the lure, is how he wields a phrase. I've been
seduced by someone's lines— the subtle kind,
without a body, form, or eye, or skin.


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jerryk
post May 26 11, 23:08
Post #2


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Such a sweet and well-written poem, Karen;
it has a touch of sadness, too. Now I have to search my sources to pinpoint the poet who died a hundred years ago; and that is the mystery your poem contains. It's wonderful. Best to you,
Jerry
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post May 27 11, 10:28
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Hi Karen, wave.gif

What a nice subject to write about! sun.gif

I have just a few observations for you to take or toss as you wish.

In S1 - I believe you can ditch both commas before both 'or's. Also, just a little visual hiccup for me in L2 with your choice of the word down - perhaps 'round might work better?

Can you 'see' someone's intellect? I experience them but not sure this can be accomplished (learn)?

For you closing line, I suggest finding subs for both 'or's, or perhaps change the wording after form? Through conscious choices ... etc.

Food for thought!

Enjoyed the read. Read.gif
~Cleo galadriel.gif


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jerryk
post May 27 11, 12:14
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Karen,
I had to return to this poem with regards to the comma placement before "or."
For years, the trend has been to eliminate commas, especially in short sentences. Now, to our eye, the presence of commas in this poem seems excessive, but I still use my comma shaker generously for this reason: When reading aloud, the comma, even in short sentences, may suggests emphasis on intonation (voice-modulation) and emphasis, or simply a short breathing pause. Punctuation supports sentences, but it's not always easy to place a comma in poetry. A quick rewrite to enhance your beautiful poem may be the answer. These are just my quirky thoughts. prescription.gif Best to you,
Jerry
 
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anaisa
post May 27 11, 13:36
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Hi Cleo,

Thanks- I'm still trying to tweak it a bit...
K



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Eisa
post May 27 11, 17:14
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Great revision, Karen. I love the final couplet!

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Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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anaisa
post Jun 5 11, 21:48
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Thanks snow!

I appreciate that.

K



QUOTE (Eisa @ May 27 11, 17:14 ) *
Great revision, Karen. I love the final couplet!

Snow Snowflake.gif



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