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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 _ Dance of the Crinkled Veils (revised st 1)
Posted by: Eisa Aug 21 10, 10:07
With Autumn round the corner, I have found this poem I wrote some years ago and decided to revise it.
I have revised St1 - one reason being that battements had only 2 syllables not 3
REVISION
Dance of the Crinkled Veils
Beneath a screen of stratus shade
she changes into citrus hues
as breezes fan and serenade
her; ballet pointes battements tendus.
Her rustling tutu riffles, swirls
chartreuse with russet layered hems;
soft flurries tousle chestnut curls
adorned with crimson clustered gems.
She sheds her veils in lento time
-- pianissimo they pirouette;
her vibrant beauty, still sublime,
enshrouds terrains a la georgette
Diminuendo: standing bare
she silhouettes the dreary skies.
Soon frost will crown bedraggled hair,
his spangled shawl around her thighs.
With lofty body proudly posed
her feet secured against each storm,
she wavers endless arms, exposed
‘til emerald ruffles dress her form.
--------------------------------------
Original first stanza
Beneath a screen of stratus shade
she changes into citrus hues
as breezes fan and serenade
she battements in ballet shoes.
--------------------------------------------------
tweaked lines
his spangled shawl enwrap her thighs.
‘til emerald layers dress her form.
* Georgette is crinkled - so should I leave out crimped and replace with a colour - or something else??
-----------------------------------------------------------
ORIGINAL
Dance of the Crinkled Veils
The sun has left her in the shade
to weave and twirl in ballet shoes;
while Autumn plays its serenade
she changes into citrus hues.
Her rustling veils of russet swirl
with tangerine embroidered hems;
soft breezes tousle chestnut curls
adorned with clustered crimson gems.
She slowly sheds her crinkled veils;
they pirouette without a sound.
Then vibrant loveliness prevails,
embellishing the naked ground.
The music slows until she’s bare,
her outline stark against the skies,
as frost imparts his gift with flair --
a spangled throw to swathe her thighs.
Her sable body’s proudly posed
abiding firm against each storm,
while swaying arms remain exposed
‘til buds of green enrobe her form.
Posted by: bombadil1247 Aug 21 10, 14:42
Hi, Snow,
a tulip striptease? Very nicely done too. I have one little question on S4 tenses.
she silhouettes the dreary skies.
Soon frost will crown bedraggled hair;
his spangled shawl enwraps her thighs.
Specifically, it's 'enwraps' in line 4 that stops me a little, is the shawl already there or still to come with the frosty crown? If the former, then it's fine but need to lose the 's' if it's the latter.
On your question
I think it's fine as is, but if you want an alternative why not strengthen the stripper theme by using 'a la georgette' there? A little French never hurts.
Jim
Posted by: Michelle Aug 23 10, 17:24
Hi Snow,
I think this is a lovely autumn veil dance with the nobility of the Waltz of the Flowers Very very lovely. I don't know much about ballet, but that didn't stop me from enjoying your poem.
I found nothing to nick-pick.
My favorite:
Her rustling tutu riffles, swirls
chartreuse with russet layered hems;
soft flurries tousle chestnut curls
adorned with crimson clustered gems.
I think it is kind of magestic - this just flows perfectly to me.
Your revision skills are excellent. I thought the original was very good, but the revision is like a masterpiece.
much enjoyed,
Michelle
my best
Posted by: Eisa Aug 24 10, 15:04
Hi Jim
Your observations have been most helpful.
'enwraps' in L4 -- I kept changing from enwrap to enwraps and couldn't make up my mind which to go with. Your comment has helped me decide it should be 'enwrap'
'a la georgette' - yes I do like this! It adds a bit of originality and I shall change it now.
Your thoughts are much appreciated.
Snow 
Posted by: Eisa Aug 24 10, 15:09
Hi Michelle
Thank you for your kind words. At first, I only intended to tweak a few lines in the original, but my revision head soon took over. LOL! This poem has been revised a number of times - I hope this is the final one!
Good to see you
Snow
Posted by: AMETHYST Sep 13 10, 00:08
ALmost missed this one Snow!
Lovely. So very lovely. Great capturing title as well. You masterfully created a musically sound poem, that adds such detail and imagery with movement. I am impressed at such a wonderful poem.
I don't have any offerings for this, only because there isn't anything left to offer. It is beautiful.
Big Hugs, Liz
Posted by: Eisa Sep 13 10, 16:00
Thanks Liz
This is about te 5th revision - and the last! LOL!
Hugs Snow
Posted by: anaisa Sep 23 10, 01:01
Eisa! Beautiful poem.
I always get to them after they are revised~
I loved these lines:
Diminuendo: standing bare
she silhouettes the dreary skies.
Soon frost will crown bedraggled hair,
his spangled shawl enwrap her thighs.
Beautiful flow to the whole thing ;-)
K
Posted by: Eisa Sep 23 10, 15:48
Thanks Karen
I'm glad this worked for you!
Snow
Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Oct 29 10, 08:06
Hi Snow,
I wanted to stop in and wish you and this lovely poem best of luck atthe IBPC! 
I have just one teensy nit and it's here in the opening:
Beneath a screen of stratus shade
she changes into citrus hues
as breezes fan and serenade
she battements in ballet shoes.
I feel as though this is a bit of a run-on, and at first glance thought a comma should be inserted after the word hues. But then I saw something more as the change is happening while the breezes are being fanned, correct? So, I was struggling with how to avoid that second 'she' in L4? Perhaps something to pause after serenade - maybe something like 'as breezes fan and serenade her batterments: in ballet shoes'?
This was a lovely read!
~Cleo 
Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Oct 29 10, 08:08
I just thought of something else for you to consider instead - what abut reversing the lines so you'd have this:
As breezes fan and serenade
she battements in ballet shoes
beneath a screen of stratus shade
which changes into citrus hues. I know L4 would need a little work...
Posted by: Eisa Oct 29 10, 13:12
I wanted to stop in and wish you and this lovely poem best of luck atthe IBPC!
I have just one teensy nit and it's here in the opening:
Beneath a screen of stratus shade
she changes into citrus hues
as breezes fan and serenade
she battements in ballet shoes.
I feel as though this is a bit of a run-on, and at first glance thought a comma should be inserted after the word hues. But then I saw something more as the change is happening while the breezes are being fanned, correct? So, I was struggling with how to avoid that second 'she' in L4? Perhaps something to pause after serenade - maybe something like 'as breezes fan and serenade her batterments: in ballet shoes'?
This was a lovely read!
~Cleo
Hi Lori - good to see you here.
At first I liked changing 'she' to 'her' ... but then wondered if it makes proper sense - to serenade her battemments (leg movements) I was really meaning that she starts to battement beacuse she was being serenaded. I'll think on that one.
Snow
Posted by: Eisa Oct 29 10, 13:25
As breezes fan and serenade
she battements in ballet shoes
beneath a screen of stratus shade
which changes into citrus hues. I know L4 would need a little work...
Hi again Lori
Yes, that is another way of looking at it -- but I keep saying the last line as, 'she changes into citrus hues' again. LOL!
I need time to get my head round this ... anyway haven't the entries already been sent to IBPC?
Snow
Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Oct 29 10, 13:47
Yeah - I see where you are coming from. Food for thought! 
We just had 14 turkeys roaming my backyard just now, lol and I took some photos. 
There's still time - I don't send the entries until the 1st of each month. 
HUGS
~Cleo 
Posted by: Eisa Oct 29 10, 18:18
Oh Lori - 14 turkeys! you'll be ok for Xmas dinner LOL!
I'm glad I have a few more days as I have found another problem ... battements is pronounced with 2 syllables - not 3. (batt/mon) -- so it's out for that line!
I have 2 alternative at the moment:
Beneath a screen of stratus shade
she changes into citrus hues
as breezes fan and serenade
her dance begins in ballet shoes.
(which is a bit of a let down after using battement)
or
Beneath a screen of stratus shade
she changes into citrus hue
as breezes fan and serenade
her ballet starts glissard dessous.
I'll use this for now -- but I'm still thinking and open to further suggestions.
Hugs
Snow
Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Oct 30 10, 11:16
OK - what is glissard dessous?
I think it's supposed to be "glissade dessous"?
Ask.com:
Glissade
[glee-SAD]
Glide. A traveling step executed by gliding the working foot from the fifth position in the required direction, the other foot closing to it. Glissade is a terre à terre step and is used to link other steps. After a demi-plié in the fifth position the working foot glides along the floor to a strong point a few inches from the floor. The other foot then pushes away from the floor so that both knees are straight and both feet strongly pointed for a moment; then the weight is shifted to the working foot with a fondu. The other foot, which is pointed a few inches from the floor, slides into the fifth position in demi-plié. When a glissade is used as an auxiliary step for small or big jumps, it is done with a quick movement on the upbeat. Glissades are done with or without change of feet, and all begin and end with a demi-plié. There are six glissades: devant, derrière, dessous, dessus, en avant, en arrière, the difference between them depending on the starting and finishing positions as well as the direction. Glissade may also be done sur les pointes.
Perhaps this slight tweak might work since this isn't a starting move:
Beneath a screen of stratus shade
she changes into citrus hues
as breezes fan and serenade
her -- ballet points glissade dessous.
Posted by: Eisa Oct 30 10, 16:23
Hi Lori
Glissard was a typo - I did actually mean glissade. (comes from revising late at night!)
I got my info from Wikipedia Glossary of Ballet.
Dessous
Literally "under". Used where the front leg is brought to the back, in techniques such as the assemblé, pas de bourrée, and glissade.
Glissade
Literally, to glide. This is a traveling step starting in fifth position with demi-plié: the front foot moves out to a point, both legs briefly straighten as weight is shifted onto the pointed foot, and the other foot moves in to meet the first. A glissade can be en avant, en arrière, dessous, and dessus; start in fifth position plie, push off back foot moving the front foot forward and bringing the back foot that you pushed off on in the front landing in fifth position.
I really wanted to find a ballet term after dismissing battement and the only other one I could find to fit in the rhyme was
Sous-sus, Sus-sous which was a bit repetitive.
I think your suggestion works quite well, Lori and I'll change it to that in my revision. With pointes, spelled with an e (are you agreed?) I can't think of any thing else right now.
Thanks
Snow
Posted by: bombadil1247 Oct 30 10, 16:47
Hi, Snow,
just popping in briefly. Congrats on the nomination. I've posted a link to a site which may help with the 'battements' issue - look at the reference to 'battements tendus'. I think you could rewrite that line to 'she shows off her (or 'practices') battements tendus'.
Jim
http://www.artofballet.com/class2.html
Posted by: Eisa Oct 30 10, 17:15
just popping in briefly. Congrats on the nomination. I've posted a link to a site which may help with the 'battements' issue - look at the reference to 'battements tendus'. I think you could rewrite that line to 'she shows off her (or 'practices') battements tendus'.
Jim
http://www.artofballet.com/class2.html
Hey Jim
I've missed you of late. I look forwad to your expert comments. I am so pleased you have come to help with this as I have missed my battements LOL!
I could change to:
as breezes fan and serenade
her, practicing battements tendus.
Yes, I think that kind of flows better than glissade dessous.
I'm changing the 'she' to 'her' to avoid the close repeat of 'she'
Thanks Jim, so gald you called here.
Snow
Posted by: bombadil1247 Oct 31 10, 06:52
just popping in briefly. Congrats on the nomination. I've posted a link to a site which may help with the 'battements' issue - look at the reference to 'battements tendus'. I think you could rewrite that line to 'she shows off her (or 'practices') battements tendus'.
Jim
http://www.artofballet.com/class2.html
Hey Jim
I've missed you of late. I look forwad to your expert comments. I am so pleased you have come to help with this as I have missed my battements LOL!
I could change to:
as breezes fan and serenade
her, practicing battements tendus.
Yes, I think that kind of flows better than glissade dessous.
I'm changing the 'she' to 'her' to avoid the close repeat of 'she'
Thanks Jim, so gald you called here.
Snow
Hi again, Snow,
lost my router for 10 days then a bout of bronchitis, back now though. Glad if I helped but not sure you can go with
Jim
Posted by: Eisa Oct 31 10, 10:07
Hi Jim
We're both on the same wave length - that's why I called back quickly as I feel it does hint that the breeze is practising.
I'm afraid now that I've started pronouncing battements with 2 syllables - I can't think of it with 3 any more 
Perhaps I could go with Lori's suggestion after all --
as breezes fan and serenade
her - ballet pointes battements tendus.
or as breezes fan and serenade
her, while she pointes battements tendus
but then I would be adding the she back which I wanted to get rid of.
I'm also making a slight change to the last stanza, as I feel 'her' follows too closely to 'her' in the stanza before
With lofty body proudly posed
her feet secured against each storm,
she wavers, endless arms exposed
‘til emerald ruffles dress her form.
I think that sounds ok?
If you should return today, I'd appreciate your view on Lori's suggestion, which I think I'll go with. I can't get back to this until tonight as my son is here for the day ... but I'm still considering any possibility.
Phew! I have until tomorrow!
Hi Lori
When you come back please follow convesations between Jim & myself to see where my mind is. LOL! I've definitely decided to go with battements tendus (at the moment)
What time are you sending them off tomorrow? LOL! I've never been so last minute! HELP!
Snow
Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Oct 31 10, 12:26
Hi Snow - I like the current revision as is:
as breezes fan and serenade
her - ballet pointes battements tendus
I say go with it! 
~Cleo 
Posted by: bombadil1247 Oct 31 10, 17:09
We're both on the same wave length - that's why I called back quickly as I feel it does hint that the breeze is practising.
I'm afraid now that I've started pronouncing battements with 2 syllables - I can't think of it with 3 any more
Perhaps I could go with Lori's suggestion after all --
as breezes fan and serenade
her - ballet pointes battements tendus.
or as breezes fan and serenade
her, while she pointes battements tendus
but then I would be adding the she back which I wanted to get rid of.
Hi again Snow,
my problem with that line is the short enjambement from the previous one. Have been thinking about it but can't come up with anything better than Lori's suggestion - would it make sense to drop Lori's dash so that the breezes are serenading the dance?
With lofty body proudly posed
her feet secured against each storm,
she wavers, endless arms exposed
‘til emerald ruffles dress her form.
I think that sounds ok?
there is a contradiction between 'secured' l2 and 'wavers' l3; perhaps substitute 'extended' for 'she wavers' and develop the alliteration there?
Phew! I have until tomorrow!
Hope you enjoyed the visit with your son:)
Jim
Posted by: Eisa Oct 31 10, 17:42
as breezes fan and serenade
her - ballet pointes battements tendus
I say go with it!
~Cleo
Hi Lori
Yes - I think this is best at the moment. I certainly like the sounds of ballet and battement (which is why I used them originally)
Unless I have inspiration in my sleep tonight - this will stay! LOL!
Thanks Lori
Snow
Posted by: Eisa Oct 31 10, 18:00
We're both on the same wave length - that's why I called back quickly as I feel it does hint that the breeze is practising.
I'm afraid now that I've started pronouncing battements with 2 syllables - I can't think of it with 3 any more
Perhaps I could go with Lori's suggestion after all --
as breezes fan and serenade
her - ballet pointes battements tendus.
or as breezes fan and serenade
her, while she pointes battements tendus
but then I would be adding the she back which I wanted to get rid of.
Hi again Snow,
my problem with that line is the short enjambement from the previous one. Have been thinking about it but can't come up with anything better than Lori's suggestion - would it make sense to drop Lori's dash so that the breezes are serenading the dance?
With lofty body proudly posed
her feet secured against each storm,
she wavers, endless arms exposed
‘til emerald ruffles dress her form.
I think that sounds ok?
there is a contradiction between 'secured' l2 and 'wavers' l3; perhaps substitute 'extended' for 'she wavers' and develop the alliteration there?
Phew! I have until tomorrow!
Hope you enjoyed the visit with your son:)
Jim
Thanks for returning here, Jim.
I am going with Lori's suggestion. As to the short enjambment I feel it is acceptable. (Someone once said it was agressive enjambment) I'm thinking I might put a semi colon after her and write the rest in italics as Lori has - to kind of seperate.
as breezes fan and serenade
her; ballet pointes battements tendus.
As for the last stanza, I really meant that her feet were secure and just her arms wavered. I think I placed the comma wrongly and if I change the placement of the comma from after wavers, to after arms - it might make a difference.
With lofty body proudly posed
her feet secured against each storm,
she wavers endless arms, exposed
‘til emerald ruffles dress her form.
Phew! what a lot to think on LOL!
Snow
Yes - had a nice day with my son. Hope you are completely well now. You've been missed!
Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Oct 31 10, 18:17
Fabulous!
I have updated the file and will be sending it on tomorrow after work so if you make any more changes, please let me know.
Good luck!!!!
~Cleo 
Posted by: Eisa Oct 31 10, 18:53
I have updated the file and will be sending it on tomorrow after work so if you make any more changes, please let me know.
Good luck!!!!
~Cleo
Thanks Lori
I'll let you know - but at this moment - this is it!
Hugs
Snow
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