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Judi
Posted on: Dec 16 07, 13:16


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Hi Pami...

I wondered where you were...glad to see you back...I am in the middle of a lot of things...my daughter has been ill, and we are getting adjusted to that, plus I bought a condo in the same area I am living in now..Plus, waiting to pack everything until after Christmas and also having company for a week...no time to post lately.

I am dancing in spirit with you...it would be just as powerful without the caps, but either way it is a joyous dance.

((((hugs))))) Judi
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #105303 · Replies: 9 · Views: 4,289

Judi
Posted on: Dec 4 07, 07:32


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QUOTE (Xanadu @ Dec 2 07, 12:53 ) [snapback]104907[/snapback]
I do hope all is well with your family.

I would not critique a poem that has obviously come from a very special place in her heart. Much love!!


I want to thank everyone who replied to this poem, and to say that Linda was diagnosed as having Parkinson's disease. They are not certain if it is a result of her taking psychotropic medications for a long period of time, or if it is a true case of Parkinson's. Her grandfather died with Parkinsons quite a few years ago, so it is a tossup. We take each day as it comes and she knows she must be as careful as she can be. I will sneak in when I have time...I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season. (((((hugs to all))))) Judi
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #104977 · Replies: 10 · Views: 4,122

Judi
Posted on: Nov 23 07, 20:10


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Thanks Don....Nothing to it but to do it...just a quick edit, and voila...not centered anymore...thanks for the excellent. Nice to see you back! Judi
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #104506 · Replies: 8 · Views: 4,925

Judi
Posted on: Nov 23 07, 08:43


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Thanks Shel,

If we all took time to walk in someone else's shoes, there would be a lot more empathy in the world. Everything takes time, especially this...Judi
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #104485 · Replies: 8 · Views: 4,925

Judi
Posted on: Nov 12 07, 22:17


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Dear Steve,

I worked in the skilled nursing unit of the county home in Pa on the 11-7 shift. Our floor housed all the end staged Alzheimers patients, and those who were comatose, and on vents or trachs. The other nurses used to laugh at the way I talked to them all, for I hoped that on some level they could know that someone cared in some way. It was so sad.

Thanks for asking about my Linda...she is coming home from rehab this Friday, and we are happy to be getting her back home to us.

My Best, Judi
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #104282 · Replies: 7 · Views: 3,458

Judi
Posted on: Nov 12 07, 08:18


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Thanks Alan...

I have re-written several parts of the poem, and I thank you for your comments..Blessings, Judi
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #104270 · Replies: 7 · Views: 3,458

Judi
Posted on: Nov 10 07, 13:31


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I would like to thank everyone who helped with suggestions on this poem.

Posting in a workshop is a very helpful resource to achieving the best version
of our work. It is our poem seen through other's eyes, and that is what we want to
achieve.

Thanks All,
((((hugs))) Judi
  Forum: IPBC Archive · Post Preview: #104215 · Replies: 23 · Views: 48,755

Judi
Posted on: Nov 9 07, 00:08


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Hi Again, Erik,

My daughter is now in rehab for 2 weeks, learning to deal with her disability...she was diagnosed several days ago with Parkinson's Disease, and the doctors finally sent her to rehab for at least 2 weeks. (thankfully) She has to learn how to deal with her new limitations for she will have to be in a wheel chair from now on...she cannot stay on her feet for very long without falling. This is sad...she is only 47, and is my sweetheart.

At least we know what it is now...it is very hard to diagnose, and she had to go through a myriad of tests to rule out other things like multiple sclerosis, etc.

Oh well...better get some sleep...another busy day tomorrow.

Judi
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #104195 · Replies: 7 · Views: 3,458

Judi
Posted on: Nov 4 07, 22:10


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Sorry Alan,

Your "lady" deserves your wonderful poem...it just brought to mind the inscription on the "lady" I mentioned that reflected the words you wrote about...I didn't expect a reply,,,I loved those words...they were special to me in my youth,
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #104108 · Replies: 8 · Views: 3,393

Judi
Posted on: Nov 4 07, 19:47


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Hi Eric, My daughter has been very ill, and I have been spending most of my time
in the hospital with her, but I went in early today to do battle with her doctors, who
want to send her home that way. I won...thankfully.



A few observations - - -
please don't center unless there's a reason for it, such as shaped poetry. Carlton Cards won't be interested, and the rest of us find it mostly annoying. Think of the good ole daze when there were typewriters - it took a fair bit of doing to center anything, and it wasn't done. Now a click of the mouse and presto.


I don't think Carlton cards would get any submissions from me...nor Hallmark...only Blue Mountain Arts, lol.

No punctuation in a title. It ruins things.

Oh, comeon- you take all the fun out of life!...

V1, "blowing branches outside" is the subject clause. I get the weird image of branches huffing and puffing their little buds out, each one trying to outblow the other. It would be better to describe them as "windblown" or something along those
lines.


windlblown is good...change there coming up..


In V2, you could say "listening to the snores, gurgles, or quiet breathing" if you were of a mind to.

I will consider this also!

V3, a coupla thoughts. There's subject/verb disagreement here >>
The swish, swish of machines keep
making their insistant sounds.

It's the swish that keeps making its incessant sounds (is that the word you meant?). It should be singular "its" here too.
Otherwise, it would need to be
The machines keep swish, swish, swishing
their insistant sounds.
typo in insistant, no matter what.

I hesitated about that verb, and figured I would get called on it if it was wrong
and you did...I was tired and depressed when I wrote this...it brought back memories
of my "County Home" days when I worked the 11-7 shift...a very eerie place. I worked in the skilled nursing units, where the coma patients on trachs, and end stage Alzheimer and dementia patients were kept. It was the last stop on the journey..a sad, sad place. Somebody had to do it. I learned a lot of lessons in those days back in the 90's.


There's nuttin wrong with your last sentence, but consider >>
This is their last stop on
the circuit... a
one way ticket home.

Of course, that may not be what you intend to say.

Yup, it WAS what I wanted to say..but I always look forward to my "Merlin" crits. They always make sense. God Bless, Judi
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #104100 · Replies: 7 · Views: 3,458

Judi
Posted on: Nov 3 07, 12:07


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Hi Steve...

I am beginning to think they call it the "golden years" because that's when they give
gold shots for arthritis....hah...great poem and I have no nits...God Bless, Judi
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #104037 · Replies: 6 · Views: 3,811

Judi
Posted on: Nov 3 07, 12:05


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QUOTE (ohsteve @ Nov 2 07, 15:29 ) [snapback]104022[/snapback]
Of Growing Old

My body aches,
while I listen
to the voices in my head.
Wordless noises
a brief susurration.
Pains of arthritis,
old age, and brittle bones.
What happened to the golden
times of retirement and relaxation?
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #104036 · Replies: 6 · Views: 3,811

Judi
Posted on: Nov 3 07, 11:10


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Hi Alan,

This is my very favorite part...

Give me your tired, your poor,
your huddled voices yearning to be free.

I think they should change those words on the lady to:

Sorry dude...we don't have any more room...we will send the Coast Guard after you if you try to sneak in...which seems to be the policy of the US during my lifetime..

I would hope that the US would remember what happened to Rome...when it got too big for its britches...also..David and Goliath There is a moral in that somewhere! Judi
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #104035 · Replies: 8 · Views: 3,393

Judi
Posted on: Nov 2 07, 23:06


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Revision 2

Light from the nursing desk
insinuates down dark hallways.
Windblown branches outside create
snaking shadows on old plaster walls
painted a sickly pea green.
I almost hear the patients'
inner voices cry out to leave
this sterile place.

I push my cart from room to room,
listening to snores, gurgles,
or quiet breathing from each bed.
Some cry out in sleep, and I wonder
if they still dream.

It's always the same-
I clean, swab, bandage, turn
or medicate, whatever needs be done.
The swish of ventilators keep making
insistant sounds and my rubber soles
squeak slightly on waxed tile floors.
This is the last stop on their journey,
a one-way ticket home.

I hang another bag of nourishment
and restart the pump that keeps
these empty shells alive. If I were God,
they would not be here.

--

Judith Anne Labriola


Revision 1

Light from the nursing desk
insinuates its way down
dark hallways.
Windblown branches outside create
weird shadows on old walls painted
a sickly shade of pea green.
I can almost hear the patient's
inner voices crying out to leave
this sterile place.

I push my cart from room to room,
listening to snores, gurgles,
or quiet breathing from each bed
and hear them cry out in sleep.
I wonder if they can still dream


It's always the same-
I clean, swab, bandage, turn
or medicate, whatever needs be done.
The swish of ventilators keep making
insistent sounds, and my rubber soles
squeak slightly on worn tile floors.
This is the last stop on their journey,
a one-way ticket home.

I hang another bag of nourishment
and restart the pump that keeps
them alive. If I was God, they
would not be here.

--

Judith Anne Labriola


Original Version

Light from the nursing desk insinuates
its way down dark hallways.
Blowing branches outside create
weird shadows on the walls.
I can almost hear each patient's
inner voice crying to leave
this sterile place.

I push my cart from room to room,
listening to the snored, gurgled,
or quiet breathing from each bed.
It's always like this, I clean,
swab, bandage, turn or medicate,
whatever needs be done.

The swish, swish of machines keep
making their insistant sounds.
My rubber soles squeak slightly
on worn tile floors.
This is the last stop on
the circuit...their
one way ticket home.

--

Judith Labriola
November 2007
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #104029 · Replies: 7 · Views: 3,458

Judi
Posted on: Oct 21 07, 19:55


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Hi Lori...

This is just a FV poem that is meant just to let people figure out what it means, and I used no periods. I don't want to spend a lot of time on this as I am just dabbling in the type of poetry that is more obscure..

I am taking a break, due to the illness of my daughter who just got out of intensive care..she has begun having seizures for the first time in her life, and they are trying to find out why.

Take care, and thanks for everything, Judi
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #103780 · Replies: 10 · Views: 4,122

Judi
Posted on: Oct 17 07, 08:35


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Michelle, I think this is absolutely wonderful...I am going to ask Lori if I can nominate it for IBPC consideration this month...Blessings, Judi
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #103655 · Replies: 14 · Views: 8,685

Judi
Posted on: Oct 11 07, 09:54


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QUOTE (ohsteve @ Oct 11 07, 08:06 ) [snapback]103529[/snapback]
Night Flight

Path of a dragonfly
across the moon stilled pond.
spider silk thin wake, follows.
Flying low avoiding bats of night,
only to be taken
by a large rainbow trout.


I really like the lesson in this poem....we must always be careful of everything, over
and under, and walk the middle line...at least that is my motto...LOL...
I have no nits...Blessings, Judi
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #103538 · Replies: 6 · Views: 2,789

Judi
Posted on: Oct 11 07, 09:49


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QUOTE (ohsteve @ Oct 11 07, 07:53 ) [snapback]103526[/snapback]
Judi...Well done for walking in someone elses shoes, very powerful stuff.. prejudice, hatred, mass indignities,,,feeling cuaght well ..IMHO very good piece.
Steve


Steve...Thanks so much! In my writing, I try to always put myself where the other person happens to be...and in every case, one can reverse the picture and put in their own feelings...but in the end, both sides are the same, and time is the answer. My Best, Judi
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #103537 · Replies: 8 · Views: 4,925

Judi
Posted on: Oct 11 07, 06:11


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QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Oct 11 07, 06:39 ) [snapback]103522[/snapback]
Hi Judi,

I just had a thought. How about: Come fly with me to a far-away world; rock.gif (This way, it has alliteration to 'fly' and doesn't trap you into one type of book...

Sorry not to be online much recently, I'm battling an AWEFUL sinus infection/earache and I think I'm beating now. Hope so, we're off to see the Mouse mickeymouse.gif on vacation tomorrow for 12 days. Perhaps seeing all the fun things there will inspire my muse? writersblock.gif

Cheers
~Cleo minniemouse.gif

P.S. I like your changes to present tense too! KUDOS claps.gif


Thanks Lori....I hope you have a great time...I live 45 minutes away from it, and we've been there so much it doesn't seem to be a treat anymore...but I remember my first time there...it was exciting....I know you will like it...Take care..Judi
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #103524 · Replies: 18 · Views: 5,209

Judi
Posted on: Oct 10 07, 14:40


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Hi Larry...

Some of the changes you mentioned would leave me short of feet in my meter, but I appreciate your suggestions, and they were good ones!

I appreciate you taking the time to read and make suggestions....a "crit" is a critique...which you just gave, and very nicely! My best, Judi
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #103509 · Replies: 18 · Views: 5,209

Judi
Posted on: Oct 10 07, 10:57


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Thanks so much, Pami. I was not sure how many replies I would get on this one...I tried to "walk in someone elses shoes" even though I can't possibly have all the feelings that actually were passed from generation to generation (on both sides) ..

All I need for are ideas to improve the poem...that does not mean you agree or disagree... Pami, I am pleased that you liked the thoughts that were in the poem...(((hugs))) Judi
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #103505 · Replies: 8 · Views: 4,925

Judi
Posted on: Oct 10 07, 07:42


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QUOTE (Eisa @ Oct 10 07, 04:26 ) [snapback]103501[/snapback]
This is great fun Judi! wizard2.gif Juggle.gif Guitar.gif and your revisions have improved the flow. The only thing I can mention is that perhaps 'storybook world' is not so original as 'paperback world' although I can see that it would include hard covers too. I'm wondering if there is an aternative - paperback really seemed fresh, whereas storybook is a little cliche.

A great read to make me smile
Snow Snowflake.gif


I liked paperback also, but had several comments on it.. I will have to chew on it. Maybe an entirely NEW word would satisfy everyone...How about "Make Believe world
or "Let's pretend" world...(When I was little there was a radio program every Saturday here, called "Let's pretend and I LOVED it...I learned to read at a very young age and I had a book of Fairy tales that I read all the time...) Guess I am approaching senility...LOL...(((Judi)))
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #103502 · Replies: 18 · Views: 5,209

Judi
Posted on: Oct 9 07, 18:27


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Oh Sam, this is so funny...I can really picture this ...I know my aunts cat years ago, fell into her old fashioned washing machine...(the kind that had the wringers) anyway, the cat got hysterical and was hissing and sputtering...he survived the ordeal, but I think it took my aunt a couple of weeks to recover...Blessings, Judi
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> MMHC (Holiday Classic) -> Hal... · Post Preview: #103495 · Replies: 12 · Views: 7,995

Judi
Posted on: Oct 9 07, 11:05


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Hi Erik..

The one place I stumble is L1 S1...I think beginning it with "so, is very awkward...that should be an easy fix...I really like the poem...I especially enjoy autumn poems since I no longer have one in Florida...actually we do have a fall of sorts, but with so many trees and vegetation that is green all years it doesn't show like it does up north.

Blessings, Judi
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #103490 · Replies: 14 · Views: 9,054

Judi
Posted on: Oct 9 07, 09:21


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Jly, I am coming in late on this and the "fixers" have come and gone. I think with a few tweaks here and there you could also bring this into meter.

This is truly a wonderful poem with much potential...Judi
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #103488 · Replies: 18 · Views: 5,295

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