Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews [Powered by Invision Power Board]

Posted by: anaisa Sep 23 10, 01:03

revision-

When cataracts form clouds across my eyes
like fog that settles on the coastal skies;
where creaky knees require a wooden cane
to navigate my walk across the lane,

please help me not relinquish vanity
to illnesses or pain. Just swaddle me
in classic silk pajamas, sleek and black,
with little velvet shoes—no flannel sack

to drape around my bones, or pink housecoat
with fuzzy slippers skimming like a boat
across the kitchen floor. A single chain
of gold, Ann Taylor slacks. Let me abstain

from wearing Mumus, curlers in the hair,
of anything that may alarm or scare
the neighbors. Pictures not lamentable,
just well preserved and deemed presentable.

first one

When cataracts form clouds across my eyes
like fog that settles on the coastal skies;
and feeble knees require a wooden cane
to navigate my walk across the lane,

help me to not relinquish vanity
to illnesses or pain. Just swaddle me
in classic silk pajamas, sleek and black,
with little velvet shoes—no flannel sack

to drape around my bones, nor pink housecoat
with fuzzy slippers skimming like a boat
across the kitchen floor. A single chain
of gold, Ann Taylor slacks. Let me abstain

from wearing sweat shirts, curlers in my hair,
of anything that may alarm or scare
the neighbors. Pictures not lamentable,
just well preserved and deemed presentable.

Posted by: Eisa Sep 23 10, 15:42

Hi Karen

This one made me smile - I can so relate to this, now I'm getting older.

Your rhymes are unobtrusive to the general flow here and I only faultered in one place

help me to not relinquish vanity

sounded a little awkward first time I read - second time was not so bad. Perhaps, something like

Please help me not relinquish vanity

sounds a little stronger.

It's always great to read your work.

Snow

Posted by: anaisa Sep 23 10, 17:49

Thanks Eisa-

Sounds much better your way! Glad you smiled- :-)

K

Posted by: JLY Oct 5 10, 05:30

Karen,
When I read the first two lines, I just knew this was going to be a smooth read because you start off with such a lyrical, lilting bounce.
It would be nice if we all could look our best as we age; I particularly enjoyed your reference to Ann Taylor, that in of itself tells me you are a fashionable person.
I wouldn't change a thing, I would only ask that you add another verse, you left me wanting for more images that I can relate to.
JLY

Posted by: anaisa Oct 11 10, 00:12

Hi JLY,

Thanks for your kind reply- I appreciate the comments.

Karen

QUOTE (JLY @ Oct 5 10, 06:30 )

Karen,
When I read the first two lines, I just knew this was going to be a smooth read because you start off with such a lyrical, lilting bounce.
It would be nice if we all could look our best as we age; I particularly enjoyed your reference to Ann Taylor, that in of itself tells me you are a fashionable person.
I wouldn't change a thing, I would only ask that you add another verse, you left me wanting for more images that I can relate to.
JLY

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Oct 29 10, 07:39

Hi karen,

I wanted to wish you well with this "slice of life" poem at the IBPC.

I suggest changing S1L3 to:
where creaky knees require a wooden cane
to navigate my walk across the lane,

with little velvet shoes—no flannel sack
to drape around my bones, or pink housecoat (I think you might need to change 'or' to 'nor' since your prelude is 'no flannel sack'? Another option is to endstop after 'bones' and start a new sentence so not such a run on simply with 'No pink housecoat...')
with fuzzy slippers skimming like a boat
across the kitchen floor.

Enjoyed the read!
~Cleo

Posted by: anaisa Oct 30 10, 12:20

Ho Cleo-

Thanks for that- I changed a few things, hope it's better now :-)

K

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Oct 31 10, 16:53

FABULOUS!!!

Good luck!

Posted by: bombadil1247 Oct 31 10, 17:18

Hi, Karen,

congratulations in the nomination and good luck in the IBPC - nice to see two structured going forward. :)
Jim

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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 _ Aging in Thought- revised 30 Oct 2010