Windchimes (revised 29 May), Wizard Award ~ Haiku Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

OK - to get the ball rolling in this new forum, I'll post the haiku recently mused in the Karnak Crossing thread: Haiku: new perspectives - have at it folks! I may also post in an image too to go with it....



Revision 2:

magnolia blossoms --
the whisper
of wind chimes


Revision 1:

magnolia blossoms --
wind chimes
whisper


Original:

whispered wind chimes
cleanse winter's lethargy --
peaceful concerto



This post has been edited by Cleo_Serapis: Nov 4 07, 10:39

Reason for edit: Revised

Attached File(s)

 chimes1.jpg ( 124.3K ) Number of downloads: 6
 chimes2.jpg ( 143.46K ) Number of downloads: 3
 chimes3.jpg ( 132.23K ) Number of downloads: 5
 tulips1.jpg ( 138.01K ) Number of downloads: 4

 

[laryalee]

Hi Cleo!!
It's great to see this new forum!
One thing I find is that by working on crits,
I learn a lot myself...because I have to sort
out my own thoughts.

Your wind chimes are lovely...I can almost hear them!
(And I'm glad you're considering an image...haiga is
another aspect of haiku that's great fun!)

One note I'll add...
to me, line 2 feels like a subjective, "telling" statement,
rather than suggesting something that allows
the reader to discover this feeling?

I found a haiku that might illustrate the point...

this weary world
vanishes
into green leaves

Susumu Takiguchi

Here, I get a feeling of the joy and lightness
of spring, but Susumu is not saying this...he's
simply holding up a thought and an image for us
to absorb.
Now, his is different from many haiku because it doesn't
seem to have a pause and it feels like one sentence.
But sometimes this works...especially when it's written
by an experienced Japanese haijin!

(I don't see your wind chimes as necessarily a spring haiku...
it could be a break in the midst of winter...but the inner
feeling seems a little similar.)

I'm looking forward to your photo!


Lary

[Eisa]

I love your haiku Lori and also look forward to the photo.

Also, thank you Lary for your information. I can see we are going to learn a lot from you in this forum. I haven't written a haiku/senryu for ages, but I think I'll look up some oldies to get your expert opinion.

Snow

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Lary and welcome to our newest forum and a HUGE thank you for your hand in its opening.

I will send a board email later (and also post in Nero's News too about it and a few other tidbits this month) to officially annonce its opening.

I agree with you wholeheartedly - I've learned so much from the experiences of critiquing. I've grown in many ways: confidence, knowledge, appreciation of the art. There's always something someone can offer that the author may not 'see' themselves. For me, that is my goal, I'm no 'vanity poet' - when I post something for critique, I expect honesty about the work.

Now - where was I? Thanks so much for your comments (especially for L2) - yes, upon second read here, it certainly DOES tell, doesn't it? I am trying to express how the deep tones of the windchimes create a calming feeling within and inspires me to get outdoors and be an active part of it. Since I put the windchimes away in Winter and bring them out again in Spring, this is what my intent is for L2. Now, to think of another way to say that without 'telling'?

I liek to word 'inspirits' but again - is that telling too much? inspirits what? I need some guidance as I am still in a 'telling' mindset with this one.
My mind keeps thinking on this:

whispered wind chimes
inspirited concerto --
quiescent words (or eloquence)

or

whispered wind chimes
inspirited eloquence --
quiescent concerto


I've only attempted a handful of haiku but am looking forward to the journey ahead and with help from the experts like yourself, I think I'll get there.

I have a pic from the windchimes from my house in Maine (where my parents live) that I'll add to the posting above. I just hung our own windchime yesterday while gardening myself here in Stow, MA and will take a picture of it later. I think I just spotted another windchime hanging from the tree in this 'tulips' photo I also took over Mother's Day weekend in Maine (from the farm up the road a piece)... Can you spot it?

Thanks Lary - I look forward to your return.
~Cleo

Attached File(s)

 tulips1.jpg ( 138.01K ) Number of downloads: 3

 

[Cleo_Serapis]

I love your haiku Lori and also look forward to the photo.

Also, thank you Lary for your information. I can see we are going to learn a lot from you in this forum. I haven't written a haiku/senryu for ages, but I think I'll look up some oldies to get your expert opinion.

Snow

Hi Snow.

Thanks so much - I just posted the photo and hope to have a second one later from our yard. Yes, there's much to learn and I am all for the adventures ahead.

I don't have many 'oldies' but I'll look too!

Cheers
~Cleo

[Eisa]

Oh Lori -- what beautiful pictures. I can see now where your inspiration came from. I also like both of your latest variations of haiku.

Snow

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Lori,

For seven syllable second line:
jingles to naive green flair

Don

[laryalee]

Ooooh, lovely photos, Cleo!
The second one reminds me of my
grandmother's garden...love the rustic
beauty!

I think it's hard for many poets to switch from
eloquence to simplicity...
And to think of the "aha"... which is like an indrawn
breath the reader makes, as the image/meaning
becomes clear.

You mention that these wind chimes call you out --
become part of nature's rebirth...is there some way
you could use this?
You have a wonderful moment here!

I'm trying to think of ways to explain the process...
perhaps it's as if you offer a book to the reader --
but you let the reader turn the pages?



Lary

[Guest_Kathy_*]

What great photographs, Lori! You have quite a talent.


whispered wind chimes
cleanse winter's lethargy --
peaceful concerto

I see what you are trying to do here, Lori. It's a lovely poem, but it isn't haiku. Somehow you need to find a way to show this without stating it.

whispered wind chimes

or

wind chimes
whisper

or
wind chimes'
whisper

is all you have that isn't prescribing what we are to feel and think about. Haiku is completely different to Western poetry, where we describe something so the reader knows exactly what we mean. In haiku the reader is part of the process.
The trick is enabling the reader to complete the poem within themself. So there's a little pause as the poem is processed, then AHA! as it connects, and the reader has pictures running in his/her mind.

It's hard.

So, getting back to your poem, starting with:

wind chimes
whisper

how can you say what you want? In haiku it is traditional to use a 'season' word, or kigo. There are approved lists of kigo; Lary mentioned cherry blossom:

cherry blossom --
wind chimes
whisper

So, do the wind chimes whisper of spring? The breeze, and thus the perfume it contains, are in the whispering. :)

but we can use our own kigo, eg:


first robin --
wind chimes
whisper

or omit the kigo, which is allowed:

moonlight--
wind chimes
whisper


Does that suggest remembering something?

or

owl's shadow--
wind chimes
whisper

to show the silent flight of an owl, with just a tiny displacement of air.

Does that help?

K

[Cleo_Serapis]

Oh Lori -- what beautiful pictures. I can see now where your inspiration came from. I also like both of your latest variations of haiku.

Snow

Thanks Snow! I took pictures of our windchime yesterday but haven't loaded them up yet. The wind was blowing softly too, so I was enjoying the sounds while sitting on the deck. Then I felt something crawling on my shoulder underneath my t-shirt and got bit/stung by this weird red/black bug that had a wasp's body), lol - so I went inside (sigh) after I killed the sucker.... Damn bugs!

I guess by reading forward, this isn't a haiku yet - but hopefully it will be soon.

HUGS
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Lori,

For seven syllable second line:
jingles to naive green flair

Don

Hi Don and welcome to our new forum.

Thanks for your suggestion - I think haiku is supposed to be less telling though (green flair is a neat vision) - but I'll keep your idea in mind as I move forward to better understand haiku.

Cheers
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Ooooh, lovely photos, Cleo!
The second one reminds me of my grandmother's garden...love the rustic beauty!

I think it's hard for many poets to switch from eloquence to simplicity...
And to think of the "aha"... which is like an indrawn breath the reader makes, as the image/meaning becomes clear.

You mention that these wind chimes call you out --
become part of nature's rebirth...is there some way you could use this? You have a wonderful moment here!

I'm trying to think of ways to explain the process...
perhaps it's as if you offer a book to the reader -- but you let the reader turn the pages?


Lary

Hello Lary.

I'm glad you enjoyed the photos - I took 2 more yesterday of our windchime that I'll post up at some point.

Yes, I was thinking that too - perhaps those 'fancier words' aren't appropriate in haiku? It's all new to me. So is the 'aha' supposed to be summary in L3? I understand (I think) that the first two lines should state the seasonal image (sometimes with the pause between the two)?

Foe me 'wind' is a key element and spring as the seasonal aspect - I want to use 'windchimes' as the noun. i could use a spring blooming tree as the kigo if I understand this properly - like: magnolia blossoms or cherry blossoms as Kathy mentioned?

I can visualize the windchime in the tree and the sounds of nature the wind provides which put me in calming state of being and happinessthat winter is over....


I'm still very confused.

Now I'm thinking it should start with something new: and make 'Magnolia blossoms' the middle and end with: windchimes but I'm stumped on the middle? It will change my intention of the creation of a calming mindset but what about something like:

wind chimes whisper
breaths of beauty --
magnolia blossoms

Am I getting warmer?

Lori

[Cleo_Serapis]

What great photographs, Lori! You have quite a talent.

whispered wind chimes
cleanse winter's lethargy --
peaceful concerto

I see what you are trying to do here, Lori. It's a lovely poem, but it isn't haiku. Somehow you need to find a way to show this without stating it.

whispered wind chimes

or

wind chimes
whisper

or
wind chimes'
whisper

is all you have that isn't prescribing what we are to feel and think about. Haiku is completely different to Western poetry, where we describe something so the reader knows exactly what we mean. In haiku the reader is part of the process.
The trick is enabling the reader to complete the poem within themself. So there's a little pause as the poem is processed, then AHA! as it connects, and the reader has pictures running in his/her mind.

It's hard.

So, getting back to your poem, starting with:

wind chimes
whisper

how can you say what you want? In haiku it is traditional to use a 'season' word, or kigo. There are approved lists of kigo; Lary mentioned cherry blossom:

cherry blossom --
wind chimes
whisper

So, do the wind chimes whisper of spring? The breeze, and thus the perfume it contains, are in the whispering. :)

but we can use our own kigo, eg:

first robin --
wind chimes
whisper

or omit the kigo, which is allowed:

moonlight--
wind chimes
whisper


Does that suggest remembering something?

or

owl's shadow--
wind chimes
whisper

to show the silent flight of an owl, with just a tiny displacement of air.

Does that help?

K

Hi Kathy.

I appreciate your commentary. Yes, I think it helps a little, but I just do not understand haiku yet. I don't think 'whisper' should be my element, or should it? Unless that is the point - is to make the reader wonder what i meant? Making 'whisper' the point to ponder - I came up with 'magnolia blossoms' as the kigo. So would these three elements work?

magnolia blossoms --
wind chimes
whisper

It seems too short and confusing to me to make sense of it as worded above? What are they whispering and how do I connect that to a 'feeling of euphoria'?

I also had this idea:

wind chimes whisper
breaths of beauty --
magnolia blossoms

or

magnolia blossoms
breaths of beauty --
wind chimes

Am I getting warmer?
Best regards!
~Cleo

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Cleo_Serapis,

For my two pence, the word "cherry" is essentially a cliché in Haiku. Just writing "wind chime" is being narrative unless it alludes to something else.

You have my symphathy creating a crystal ball from which anyone off the street can read your mind.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now...

Don

[Eisa]

magolia blossoms --
wind chimes
whisper

....is my favourite Lori... but wat do I know, I'm still learning too. LOL!

Snow

(I love magnolia blossoms -- definitely less cliche)

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Cleo_Serapis,

For my two pence, the word "cherry" is essentially a cliché in Haiku. Just writing "wind chime" is being narrative unless it alludes to something else.

You have my symphathy creating a crystal ball from which anyone off the street can read your mind.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now...

Don

Hiya Don.

Yes, I read Magnolia in one of the links Lary provided in the thread in Karnak and thought, "Oh, how I like that to symbolize spring". Of course, we don't have any magnolia trees here, but we've 3 cherry and 3 dogwoods that bloom pink (and one dogwood blooms white). Wind chimes is the focal point here. There's much to learn! And hearing what other's interprest in the poems is always intriguing.

I'm in the clouds most all the time these days, LOL! On and off the ground...

Cheers Don and Happy Memorial day!
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

magolia blossoms --
wind chimes
whisper

....is my favourite Lori... but wat do I know, I'm still learning too. LOL!

Snow

(I love magnolia blossoms -- definitely less cliche)

Thanks Snow - I like that one better of the two trees as well and less cliche is a good thing.

What do you 'get' from the poem above - does whisper tell you enough?

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear Cleo_Serapis,

What do you 'get' from the poem above - does whisper tell you enough?

Other than clanging rods, I like to think of wind chimes as hollow tuned metalic tubes that sing (ring) softly. Soft spoken relates to aspirate and to "whisper." I believe this word is sufficiently indirect.

Don

[Cleo_Serapis]

Dear Cleo_Serapis,

What do you 'get' from the poem above - does whisper tell you enough?

Other than clanging rods, I like to think of wind chimes as hollow tuned metalic tubes that sing (ring) softly. Soft spoken relates to aspirate and to "whisper." I believe this word is sufficiently indirect.

Don

Oh goodie Don - then Kathy's suggestions make much more sense. I've posted the first revision above.

Cheers
~Cleo

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Cleo_Serapis,

Wow, your photo enlargement is a beaut. Nice! I'm eagerly awaiting responses to your recent revision.

Don