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> Pablo Neruda: Violines (from El mar y las campanas), Translated by Marc-Andre Germain
Marc-Andre Germa...
post May 13 09, 13:48
Post #1


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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 201
Joined: 28-April 09
From: Canada
Member No.: 784
Real Name: Marc-Andre Germain
Writer of: Poetry



My first translation from the Spanish language ever. Feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Violins, thank you for this day
of four chords. Pure
is the sound of the sky
the azure voice of air.

.............................................

Gracias, violines, por este dia
De cuatro cuerdas. Puro
Es el sonido del cielo
La voz azul del aire.


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Psyche
post May 13 09, 14:57
Post #2


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Group: Praetorian
Posts: 8,770
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting




Hi Mark!
I don't think this is a forum for critiques, but being on the Staff and considering the shortage of moderators & critics due to ill-health and personal troubles, maybe I won't be thrown out...LOL....

My feedback is quite brief, you've done a great job!


QUOTE (Marc-Andre Germain @ May 13 09, 20:48 ) *
My first translation from the Spanish language ever. Feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Violins, I thank you for this day
of four chords. Pure
is the sound of the sky
the azure voice of air.

I would remove 'I' in L1.
I also notice that you've not used initial Caps. Altho' some people say they're old-fashioned, I've noticed their frequent use in vanguard-ist poetry, the kind without punctuation and unevenly spaced lines. Up-to-date, in fact!
BTW, I love Neruda. My guess is that you'll not attempt to translate his '20 poemas de amor' or maybe parts of CANTO GENERAL. This last epic protest poem has some fantastic stanzas.

I saw your translation of Baudelaire and wanted to comment, but you didn't ask.
Congrats and keep 'em comin',
Syl***

.............................................

Gracias, violines, por este dia
De cuatro cuerdas. Puro
Es el sonido del cielo
La voz azul del aire.



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Marc-Andre Germa...
post May 13 09, 20:47
Post #3


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Real Name: Marc-Andre Germain
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Sylvia,

Thanks for reading and for the critique :) I studied Spanish 16 years ago, but haven't used it since, so it's very poor, which is why I've started with this short and simple one. I will correct L1 and consider initial caps; in the edition I've got, Neruda didn't use them.

And by the way, you may assume that I'll attempt just about anything. lol. Even though some of it will be doomed to failure, I believe the exercise will be worthwhile. And if it turns to be too hard, then perhaps I'll make homophonic translations (transposing to the closest English sounds regardless of meaning), one of the methods I use for my non-intentional compositions to generate raw material in which I attempt to "discover" or "unearth" a poem.

Mark


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