My Grandmother's Hands, Wizard and Member Choice Awards Options

[Ephiny]

My mother came up with the thought behind this poem and I'm having trouble getting it to sound "just right" so all suggestions appreciated.  It is in memory of my grandmother (my father's mother) who died last week.

Member Choice Award Winner

*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs


*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs


My Grandmother's Hands (revised..thanks so much everyone)

Your hands scrubbed fiercely;
kept fires fed, kettles boiling,
faces cleaned and noses wiped.
They wrung dishcloths,
soothed orphaned lambs,
planted bulbs, caressed
first spring flowers and
photographs and welcomed
evening callers with village news.


Your hands worked through
everything and remained supple.
Tea placed on the table
with comforting regularity,
tears dried, potatoes peeled
for midday dinners
for hungry men in fields
tending spring births
and harvesting tall grass
for impending winters.

Joined in prayer,
your hands broke
my heart, quiet and twined
with beads, blessed
over and over,
carried unknown distances
on summer evenings,
your dog by your side.

The overgrown laneway:
your sunlit shortcut
to a silent churchyard.



Hands (original)

Your hands scrubbed fiercely;
kept fires fed, kettles boiling,
faces cleaned and noses wiped.
They wrung dishcloths,
soothed orphaned lambs,
planted bulbs, appreciated
first flowers, photographs and
evening callers with village news.

Your hands, remaining supple,
worked through everything.
Tea on the table,
at regular intervals,
tears dried, potatoes peeled,
midday dinners
for hungry men in fields
tending spring births, harvesting tall grass
for impending winters.

Joined in prayer,
your hands broke
my heart, quiet and twined
with beads, blessed
over and over,
carried unknown distances
on summer evenings,
your dog by your side.

The overgrown laneway:
your sunlit shortcut
to a silent churchyard.



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[Guest_Jox_*]

Lucie,

I'm sorry I don't have time to crit this now - but I hope to soon.

I just wanted to offer my commiserations on the loss of your Grandmother. I remember she was the reason you were not able to join us at the MM meeting recently and, at least, your self-sacrifice enabled you to spend some of her last time with her.

I hope you, your Mother and the rest of your family are able to find peace again soon.

Best wishes, James.

[JustDaniel]

I feel so inadequate to offer insight on any better placement of your words in this lovely tribute to someone who clearly meant the world not only to you but so many others whose lives her hands and heart touched.

You have our love and prayers, Lucie.  May these days of mourning be filled also with joyful, blessed memories you'll carry with you always.

in Light of His Love, Daniel  :sun:

[Guest_Jox_*]

Lucie,

Just a few suggestions - many line-break suggested changes etc.

Anyway, your choices.

All the best, J.

[Your] Hands

Your hands scrubbed fiercely{,}[;]
kept fires fed, kettles boiling,
faces cleaned and noses wiped.
They wrung dishcloths,
soothed orphaned lambs,
planted bulbs,
rejoiced in first flowers,
photographs, and
evening callers with village news.

(I don’t think hands rejoicing in anything sounds quite right)
(Some different line-breaks suggested)

Smooth and supple,
your hands worked
through everything.
Regular intervals
of tea on the table,
tears dried, potatoes peeled,
midday dinners
for hungry men in fields
tending spring births, harvesting tall grass
for impending winters.

(Smooth and supple hands sounds a little odd when all those hard tasks are listed.)
(Some different line-breaks are shown)

Joined in prayer,
your hands broke
my heart, quiet and twined
with beads, blessed
over and over,
carried unknown distances
on summer evenings,
your dog by your side. (Verse-split)

(More suggested line-splits)

{The} overgrown laneway{,}[:]
your sunlit shortcut
to a silent churchyard.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Lucie

I'm so sorry to read the news of the loss of your Grandmother.  Reading this poem I sense that she was truly the Matriach of the family, holding everything together, caring for her family, workers and the farm. A strong but at the same time caring person.  She must be greatly missed and I hope the pain of her death will lessen over time.

Regular intervals
of tea on the table,
I did wonder if - tea on the table at regular intervals might read better.

I hope her rosary beads bring you comfort.

Nina

[Ephiny]

Hi James,

Thank you so much for your kind words and very helpful suggestions, I think I've actually used them all and feel they improve the structure greatly, thank you.  I did decide to keep in the point about "supple hands" though I changed it slightly, it's just that it was something we always used to notice about her, despite all the hard work!  Your help is greatly appreciated

[Ephiny]

Hello Daniel

Thank you very much for your encouraging and very comforting words..they are truly appreciated..thank you

[Ephiny]

Hello Nina

Thank you so much for your kind words and insightful comments..you're absolutely right and I've taken your suggestion, thank you!

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Lucie,

Delighted to be of service.

I think I forgot to say earlier, sorry - well done with this poem.

James.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Lucie!  I'm very sorry to hear about your loss.  You have written
a beautiful tribute to her though.  I'm wondering if you should call
it "My Grandmother's Hands" so that the reader knows who it's about
when they read it.

Cathy

[Guest_Billydo_*]

Hi Lucie

Fine poem and a wonderful tribute. I know what you're going through.

Cheers

Mike

[Cybele]

My dear Lucie,

I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Something certainly directed you to make the right decision to spend time with her instead of popping over here to meet up with us. That must give you some comfort.

All tributes are beautiful because they are written with the heart and not the mind.

I am going to copy this and read it and get back to you in a few days when you will be better able to cope with making any alterations or consider any suggestions.

God bless you all.

[Ephiny]

Hi Cathy,

Thank you so much for your lovely comment, and for your suggestion for the title, I will definately give it some thought.  Thank you:)

[Ephiny]

Hello Mike:)

Thank you very much for reading and commenting so nicely, it is much appreciated

[Ephiny]

Hello Grace:)

Thank you so much for your very kind words, I really appreciate you taking the time to look through this and will welcome any suggestions, I'm hoping to give it to my father perhaps in a couple of weeks.  Thank you so much, your words are really appreciated:)

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Dear Lucie,

This is a beautiful and moving tribute to your wonderful grandmother.



Fran

[Cybele]

My Dear Lucie,


Back as promised. Firstly, let me say that I think Cathy's idea of calling this poem 'My Grandmothers Hands' is lovely and would personalise it beautifully.

I have only a couple of suggestions and since I haven't read through the other replies properly, there may be some repetition. (These are very minor suggestions and look more than they are!  )


Hands

Your hands scrubbed fiercely;
kept fires fed, kettles boiling,
faces cleaned and noses wiped.
They wrung dishcloths,
soothed orphaned lambs,
planted bulbs, appreciated
first flowers, photographs and
evening callers with village news.

The first five lines are very good and are all decsriptive of tactile hands Lucie

Might I suggest you could carry through the hands in motion theme by continuing

planted bulbs, caressed
first spring flowers and
photographs and welcomed
evening callers with village news.


Your hands, remaining supple,
worked through everything.
Tea on the table,
at regular intervals,
tears dried, potatoes peeled,
midday dinners
for hungry men in fields
tending spring births, harvesting tall grass
for impending winters.


L1 Your hands remained (past tense)supple
  worked through everything (no comma)
L3 Tea placed on the table (no comma)
L4 with comforting reglarity,
  tears dried, potatoes peeled
  for mid-day dinners
  for hungry men in the fields;
  tending spring births,
  and harvesting tall grass
  for impending winters


Joined in prayer,
your hands broke
my heart, quiet and twined
with beads, blessed
over and over,
carried unknown distances
on summer evenings,
your dog by your side.

I might only suggest

L6 carried far and wide. (Not a deliberate rhyme with the last line.)

This first three lines of this stanza are some of the most beautiful words I have ever read and remind me of the famous painting by Albrecht Durer of Praying Hands. (link below to the painting if you don't know it Lucie)

http://www.ely.anglican.org/education/2004...rayer/hands.jpg


The overgrown laneway:
your sunlit shortcut
to a silent churchyard.


Your grandmother would be very proud of you Lucie. May she rest in peace.   .

[Ephiny]

Hello Grace and Fran  :sun:  :cloud9:

Thank you both so much for your lovely words

Grace, your suggestions are excellent and I'm going to use them all!!  I'm at work at the moment but will be making a full revisions asap!!  Thank you very much!!

[Cybele]

Hello Ephiny,


It is such a pleasure to be of help.

What a wonderful thought, that you were loved so much that someone wrote a poem for you.  

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Lucie.

Again - firstly, my sincere sympathies.

It is always hard to crit a work that is so deeply felt - I can only think to offer two things here in this lovely and touching tribute poem:

The first is here in this line:

Your hands, remaining supple,
worked through everything.

Perhaps a slight switch to (for tense):

Your hands worked through
everything, remaining supple.


My second idea is to add one more line at the end - something that ends with hands again?

The overgrown laneway:
your sunlit shortcut
to a silent churchyard....

hands welcoming.

Just an idea for you and again - my deepest sympathies and for you and a for Stephen...

Hugs
Lori  :pharoah: