The Black Pearl, Iambic Pentameter Options

[Guest_Don_*]

The Black Pearl

The model sailing ship of make believe
with crew of free hands, not ancient but old,
display a bony flag on sky bound seas
of lotto treasure chests and rainbow gold.

Our freedom crests on the deep ocean waves
as filled by square rigged sail in nimble breeze,
which wafts a foul fate into blissful state,
as faerie nymphs flit among the trees.

To remain sane, just scheme inane as guest
aboard the vessel, Black Pearl, to inflate
desire, to range and freeboot fabled goods.
The tide is ripe. Sail now, before too late.

© 2007, D.E. Holmes
05 July

Meter: Iambic Pentameter

[Merlin]

Hi Don,

I go sailing on those ships - perhaps too often. Always a dreamer, I am.

You've got a tense booboo up in V1. The subject is singular (The model sailing ship) which needs to have a verb (display) ending in "s", (The model sailing ship displays...).

Hoist up the Black Pearl sails, see how the mainsail's set, call for the skipper bellow...

Merlin

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Merlin,

I agree with the need for additional "s". I am surprised you didn't object to the land image with trees. Thank you for dropping by with an eagle eye.

You know how you check and check and check and revise and revise and revise. As soon as it goes to press the flubbs fall loose like flys. Self checking sucks.

Don

[Merlin]

No problem with the metaphor as such, Don.
What made me yelp was your rhyming "breeze / trees". I've sworn to myself to NEVER do that again, unless I'm writing a spoof. Here's a link, and a quote from there from Alexander Pope, 1688-1744,
BREEZE.

Where'er you find "the cooling western breeze",
In the next line, it "whispers through the trees":
If "crystal streams with pleasing murmurs creep",
The reader's threaten'd (not in vain) with "sleep".

It's several years back now I was encouraged to submit one of my postings to Cowboy-dot-com poetry site. I did, and they didn't like it. Now, that's no sour grapes by any means; if my product didn't fit their style, so be it. What got me is that those folks directed me to their winner-of-the-month site, and the latest winner. I don't wish to knock that winner, but she had end-stopped rhymed couplets, and no fewer than 3 pairs were breeze-trees rhymes. OOOOch, if that's what it takes to win, thinks I, then that's no place for me!

I still use those words >breeze, trees, love, above, dove, but tend not to end a line with them. I use them internally, to avoid another overdone rhyme set.

Merlin

[Judi]

Hello there Mr. Don...I see you were working hard crafting this crafty schooner...I have made a few suggestions, actually using your own words, but just changing them around a wee bit...I don't like to change anyones work too much..just a little tweak here and there, and you know how it goes...these are yours to use or lose. Judi

The model sailing ship of make believe
with crew of free hands, not ancient but old,
display(s) a bony flag on sky bound seas
of lotto treasure chests and rainbow gold.

Our freedom crests on the deep ocean waves
Suggestion: Our freedom crests on deepest ocean waves

as filled by square rigged sail in nimble breeze,
suggestions: as square rigged sail is filled in nimble breeze

which wafts a foul fate into blissful state,

as faerie nymphs flit among the trees.
suggestion: as faerie nymphs flit amongst the trees

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, Don...

I must say that I ALWAYS love the interchanges between you and Eric. They're an education in themselves. And in this piece I have discovered that faeries is a three-syllable word. I never knew that before! Thank you.

This is a pearl of a treasure as a poem, my friend... but I think it takes a grand stretch to call it IP. You have SO many variations to it in this piece, and some of them don't seem to be within the "acceptible" realm... at least to my ear. BUT if you just didn't call it IP, I'd be satisfied... and your rhymes.... They breeze through the trees... [ Would Eric call my comment something like cheese with brie's lees and a wheeze ] ?

Lightly puffin' on the sales, Daniel

[Guest_Don_*]

High five JustDaniel,

According to Karnak, I've used acceptable substitutions, and the rule is that if the majority of feet in each line is iambic, it is iambic. Of course, I've also incorporated pentameter.

This is an exercise in packing substitutions, no?

I'll provide my scansion for us to discuss later.

Don

[Guest_Don_*]

Merlin,
I shall attempt to wiggle away from trees/breeze. Thank you.

Judi,
Your suggestions are excellent. In revision I will adapt them to desired IP & substitutes.

Don

[Guest_Don_*]

For anyone interested the following is
Don Holmes’s scansion of The Black Pearl

The mod | el sail | ing | ship | of make | be lieve
iamb | iamb | iamb | iamb | iamb
with crew |of free | hands, not |an | cient | but old
iamb | iamb | trochee | trochee | iamb
dis plays | a bon | y flag | on sky | bound seas
iamb | iamb | iamb | iamb | spondee
of lot | to treas | ure chests | and rain | bow gold
iamb | iamb | iamb | iamb | iamb

Our freed | om crests | on the deep o | cean waves
iamb | iamb | double iamb | iamb
as filled | by square | rigged sail | in nim | ble breeze,
iamb | iamb | spondee | iamb | iamb
which wafts | a foul | fate in | to bliss | ful state,
iamb | iamb | spondee | iamb | iamb
as fa | er ie nymphs flit | a mong | the trees.
iamb | double iamb | iamb | iamb

To re main sane, | just scheme | in ane | as guest
double iamb | iamb | iamb | iamb
a board | the ves | sel, Black | Pearl, to | in flate
iamb | iamb | iamb | trochee | iamb
de sire, | to range | and free | boot fa | bled goods.
iamb | iamb | iamb | iamb | iamb
The tide | is ripe. | Sail now, | be fore | too late.
iamb | iamb | spondee | iamb | iamb

[jgdittier]

Dear Don,
Has anyone ever proposed a definition for the difference between a bump and a intentional foot substitution? Point me there if you know. I surely don't and that's why I don't enter contests or make much effort to be published.
Some thoughts:
On first reading I do it sing-songy and therefore believe I'm more sensitive to bumps than most.
On second reading I read more in monotone and many bumps disappear.
As I have read aloud to the aged, many hearing-impaired, slow, carefully pronounced delivery also makes a difference.
So when is there a bump? It may be similar to that falling tree.
As I read your scansion, I found several cases where I read differently from your guidence:
My style is to emphasize repetitious meter more than yours and so, here are some thoughts.
line 2- is "free" necessary?
line 3- I pronounced "bound" as an offbeat (SKY-bound)
line 5- "on the deep/on deepest"?
line 6- (SQUARE-rigged)?
line 7- ("from foulest fate to blissful state")?
line 8 - could faerie be punctuated to be pronounced as FARie? how 'bout "aflit"?
line 9- "reMAINing SANE?
line10 -"so SAIL/SAIL NOW"
I see much alliteration in this piece. It is big in my style too and I believe it has impacted
the cadence.
I overuse alliteration and I fear I've foisted it on you. Fear not if it's too much for you.
Your lines 7,8 &9 make me smile and have motivated this last hour!
Don, I don't like to critique to this degree, but as we share intense views about cadence, I think the devil made me do it!
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear jgdittier,

I very much appreciate your calling me on the cadence of my poem. I too enter few contests and am rarely published. Not because I feel inadequate, but I conclude most judges honestly do not know either.

I honestly have never seen anyone tackle a bump Vs intentional substitution. For the type of poetry that you and I prefer, your approach is something of which to take note. I accept your first try to be sing-songy, which is a somewhat forced promotion/demotion, which does encourages IP cadence. I only do this if the format is supposed to be iambic pentameter like sonnets, blank verse, etc. I believe a great deal of this demotion/promotion is a crappy excuse for inability. As you know, my scansion skill sucks, but insist on climbing that greasy pole.

I am very mechanical in using my favorite American Heritage dictionary for pronunciations and ictus emphases. This justifies ignoring dialect, regional, and geographical influences. I use an American Ford manual to work on American Ford brands, so to speak.

I normally do not substitute prolifically when writing iambic. I thought the rules applied to valid substitution should be given a run down the highway. Hence, my missile with excessive substitutions. I am glad you tackled my posted scansion for further discussion.

I think your approach is equal to or more valid than mine.
Intend to return with further discussion.

Don

[Judi]

The Black Pearl

The model sailing ship of make believe
with crew of free hands, not ancient but old,
display a bony flag on sky bound seas
of lotto treasure chests and rainbow gold.

Our freedom crests on the deep ocean waves
as filled by square rigged sail in nimble breeze,
which wafts a foul fate into blissful state,
as faerie nymphs flit among the trees.

To remain sane, just scheme inane as guest
aboard the vessel, Black Pearl, to inflate
desire, to range and freeboot fabled goods.
The tide is ripe. Sail now, before too late.

© 2007, D.E. Holmes
05 July

Meter: Iambic Pentameter

Hi Don,

I love stories about pirates! This is an intriguing poem, and I know it scanned ok, but in several places I felt it could flow a little smoother. Here is what I came up with for you to use or lose. I only changed a few words that didn't take away from your meter, but which made it a little smoother. My Best, Judi

he model sailing ship of make believe
with crew of free hands, not (ancient) doddering but old,
display a bony flag on sky bound seas
of (lotto) loaded treasure chests and rainbow gold.

Our freedom crests (on the) upon deep ocean waves
as filled by square rigged sail in nimble breeze,
which wafts a foul fate into blissful state,
as faerie (nymphs) nymphets flit among the trees.

To(remain) keep us sane, just scheme inane as guest
aboard the (vessel) ship, Black Pearl, to inflate
desire(,); to range and freeboot fabled goods.
The tide is ripe. Sail now, before too late.

© 2007, D.E. Holmes
05 July

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi to you too Judi,

I shall add your latest to your previous suggestions toward an improved revision.

As you know, a scansion discussion is in progress. My challenge is not to confuse scansion improvements with others. This may sound like mud, but I choose to debate jgdittiers with what is currently on the table before submitting a more comprehensive revision.

What is not apparent is that this poem is an experiment to see how far touted acceptable iambic substitutions may be pressed.

Per typical real world experiment my choice of words and phrases mucked up the pond, which must be equally addressed.

I certainly do appreciate your participation.

Don

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear Judi,

I must add that your notations of bumps and glitches weigh heavily upon how well the substitutions are accepted.

Don

[Mistral]

Oh dear me!
Reading the comments, I have just realised how far I still have to go as I still use lame rhyming like those mentioned by Merlin. When I do post my poems containing them, I'll just leave it open for alternative suggestions.
Back to yours......I read all the great comments and suggestions given to you and find myself in awe of the expertise displayed by a bunch of obviously very able and knowledgable people, so all I'm going to say is that I really enjoyed this poem as it gave me a sense of mystery.

Hugs,
M

[Guest_Don_*]

Oh dear Mistral,

I certainly hope we have not overawed you with our smoke and mirrors. Since you know Alan Douglas, you already know true wizardry. My take in The Black Pearl is an offshoot of the Johnny Depp movies where hardly any holds are barred. Something like Depp's comment to his arch enemy counterpart as they swing blades and stab each other in a futile fight of immortals. He says something like you can always trust a liar since they can be counted upon to lie. This a twist of philosopher Nietche's, it is not that you lied to me, it is that I can no longer trust you.

The most poignant part to me is when Depp with recovered crew and ship sails toward the horizon with hands on the wheel because at the sky boundary lies his feeling of freedom. An idealized concept which tugs at our soul. To be master of a tallship and free to head for the horizon in open ocean. Unfortunately, I failed to capture this high minded emotion in The Black Pearl.

I often restrict myself to reading threads for inherent education. You never know in which haystack the needle resides.

Thank you for dropping by.

Don