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> Timeless Fun (First Revision), senryu
Maggie
post Jun 30 08, 14:22
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Timeless Fun (Second Revision)

Summer sun smiles down
on children by the sea side
playing in the sand.

Peggy Carpenter Harwood



Timeless Fun (First Revision)

Summer sun shines down
on a child at the sea side
playing in the sand.


Timeless Fun (senryu)

Summer's sun smiles on
a small child at the sea side
playing in the sand.

Peggy Carpenter Harwood


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Cleo_Serapis
post Jul 2 08, 05:36
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Ah, I really miss the ocean and will plan to make a trip or more there this summer. I'm not a fan of sunburns as I have fair skin, but I love the scenery - the one you've provoked in my mind now - of children playing in the sand with their shovels and buckets.

Perhaps you'd consider changing up L2 with just an image of the shovel and bucket to leave it more to the reader's imagination? Something like:

Summer's sun smiles wide
red bucket topples with shells
children play in sand

Or even flip L1 & 3 around:

Children play in sand
red bucket topples with shells
Summer's sun smiles wide

Enjoyed the read,
~Cleo boat.gif


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Maggie
post Jul 4 08, 08:43
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Hi Cleo,

Thanks so much for reading and for the suggestions! I'm mulling this one over for the moment. I'm not pleased with "on" ending the first line, but I am very happy with the title and the other lines as they are so I'm putting the project on hold and maybe something will come to me.

Thanks again for the always excellent feedback!!

Peggy


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