Poverty, Senryu Options

[Larry]

Poverty

Poverty guides one
across chasms which divide
his needs from his wants

[Maggie]

Hi Larry,

Quite an original idea!!

Since you use the pronoun "one," the poem shouldn't say "your." The poem should instead say "his."

I like the separation of "wants" from "needs" with a "chasm." I'd never thought about that before!!

Peggy

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Larry,

Yes, I tend to agree that the tense might need some tweaking here.

I think an easy fix is to change the two 'your's to 'his' instead:

Poverty guides one
across chasms which divide
his needs from his wants.

An interesting viewpoint. Does poverty guide someone though, or are they forced into it by virtue of the situations dealt to them and the manner that they respond? I suppose if one extends their wants far beyond their needs they will have a magnitude of 'things' and a huge debt on their shoulders, but I don't think of poverty as someone having lots of 'things'. I envision poverty as a state of being where one does not have the 'needed things' to survive. They are in great need of the basic necessities such as food, water, shelter, not to mention love, family, friends.

It's great to have 'wants', don't get me wrong, but only if the needs are taken care of. So I guess the end result could be poverty? Another view would be that 'poverty divides' in L1 - then replace L2 with the outcome of the person?

Enjoyed the read,
~Cleo

[Larry]

Hi Peggy and Lori,

Thanks for the visit, read and crits.

If we, as humans, did not try to maintain a "certain" standard of living and lived only on what we needed, capitalism would die a swift death. Our wants, on the other hand, are not really necessities. Poverty guides (or lets someone obtain a new perspective) on the differences.

Poverty, in this instance, is an entity who assists us in this understanding. It actually forces those who exist in this state to realize they really don't want this or that thing. Poverty is much like a cattle prod in this context. The cattle prod does guide (very forcefully) the reluctant ones on a chosen path. Poverty does much the same. I think that a lot of "poverty stricken" people suffer from too much pride or have been institutionalized by being on the dole and are unwilling to change how or where they work, live, etc. It is a state of being which eventually turns into a state of mind for those who either give up trying or don't care. Poverty has little to do with how much money one makes. It has a lot to do with the choices made. I've seen a lot of "rich" people who are abjectly poverty stricken and don't even realize it.

I agree on the singular/plural change and will edit "Poverty" post haste.

Thanks,
Larry

[Eisa]

Poverty

Poverty guides one
across chasms which divide
his needs from his wants

An interesting discussion you have started here Larry and give much food for thought.

As to your haiku/senryu - I don't know if you strictly follow the 5-7-5 rule, but there is another way of thinking that concisesness is best (and now acceptlable)


Poverty guides
across chasms dividing
needs from wants

This would mean the same but consicely.

Thanks for sharing you thoughts.

Snow

[Larry]

Hi Snow,

Thanks for dropping in for a read. I do love conciseness but am also enamored with the strict 5-7-5 format of both Haiku and Senryu. They force the writer to pick each word with care so as to convey their thoughts in as precise a manner as possible. I've never been a minimalist and would have to force myself into changing the style I have utilized for a few decades. Your suggestion made me think of how to use as few words as possible and convey the same meaning. I came up with:

Poverty
excludes
wants

That is about as short as I can make it: 3-2-1!

Thank you for your input and the thoughts obtained from your concise crit.

Larry

[Cleo_Serapis]

VERY GOOD, Larry!

3.2.1 - just like a Bose product I have at the house.

Once I'm back from this mini-vacation long weekend, I'll take a look at drafting your Haiku book too and send you some info in email.

TTYL
~Cleo

[Guest_sigh_*]

I really liked this, a lot.
I might be way off base on this but, could you drop the 'one' and the 'his' totally?

Poverty guides,
across chasms which divide,
needs from wants

Just a suggestion :)

nice piece

thanks,
sigh