haiku(modern), fading time/light/art Options

[Terocon101]

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rolling up landscapes
summer scenes into autumn
as the lighting fades

or

rolling up landscapes
summer scenes into autumn
twilight tilting dark

or

rolling up landscapes
summer scenes into autumn
twilight into night



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[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Terry,

Before I offer a critique, are there three poems, or are you debating which of these three you like the most? I'm not too familiar with modern haiku, so please guide me in your thought process. Of the three, I like this one the most:

rolling up landscapes
summer scenes into autumn
as the lighting fades

because I can sense a storm coming, which further identifies the 'rolling up'/put away the landscape idea. I think you might have a bit too much going on in L2, perhaps stick with one season there and better utilize a connection to L1 and L3.

What about autumn causes the rolling landscapes as lightning fades?

I'll be back.

~Cleo

[Lady Poet]

Hi there!

I am a big fan of Haiku or most of the Japanese poetic Arts, and I have to say I'm
like Cleo here in that I've never seen this form before, which of course excites me, as O love to learn of new things! Now let's see...This actually does seem to have a level of flowing satori here cascading from haiku one through two and three...only topically is it about the actual theme of day changing to night through it's processes and I think you back that up brilliantly with "Rolling up the landscapes" (I just love that imagery!) and then in your summer scenes into Autumn... (I do believe that Autumn should be upper case, but also believe in what the writer likes best for their own work) To me your repetititions are not irritating as they usually would be, which I will have to look further into the why of that. Instead they create a rhythm within a rhythm and it's so pretty you almost forget to look deeper. To me this is more about endings and changes than twilight and Autumn. It even carries a spiritual tone and I thought of the Book of Eccleseastes (sp?) in there is a season for all things...In any case I'm totally new here and I'm feeling a bit out of my comfort zone and honed right in on this lovely work. Fresh and new to me and caused a bit of excited chatter on my part. Hope you enjoy, I found nothing to critique, only to admire. Blessings, Pami

[Terocon101]

Hi Terry,

Before I offer a critique, are there three poems, or are you debating which of these three you like the most? I'm not too familiar with modern haiku, so please guide me in your thought process. Of the three, I like this one the most:

rolling up landscapes
summer scenes into autumn
as the lighting fades

because I can sense a storm coming, which further identifies the 'rolling up'/put away the landscape idea. I think you might have a bit too much going on in L2, perhaps stick with one season there and better utilize a connection to L1 and L3.

What about autumn causes the rolling landscapes as lightning fades?

I'll be back.

~Cleo

LOL, yeah it's just a selection of three possible endings. I should have said, thought it was obvious, HeHe. lmao

I was thinking of a painter, as the light fades s/he is rolling up canvases, older into new/now.

It's a dusky twilight vibe, kind of balancing between. So the image (shady/dull) is less important than his/her actions. I think L2 is the most important one, although I can cut 'scenes' without any tantrums and trim L3.

rolling up landscapes
summer into autumn
fading light

If the painter thing was too subtle, I could try this:

rolling up canvas
summer into autumn
fading light

Umm, I'm not in any rush.

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[Terocon101]

Hey Lady,

Nice to meet you

Oh Well !!! LOL, To save the blushes, I'll say...Yes this is a new experimental form of haiku verse, LOL. Just kiddding.

I should have been clearer in my posting, mea culpa. I only offered three different endings, of which I was/am unsure. So there is no intended enjambment between the three offerings.

But hey, listen, if you enjoyed it then cool. Who cares about form, bla-bla-bla and all that.

I did a 10 stanza'd haiku ten-times challange here that turned out ok, so its good to experiment.

Looking forward to hearing from you again, giggle.

Best Wishes

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