drought dawn, haiku Options

[JaxMyth]

drought dawn
the last bullet
shines

[Terocon101]

drought dawn
the last bullet
shines

Hi Jax,

Nice light in this one. The double meaning dawn is cool and it seems to me there is some nice chemistry betweeen the words, drought & dawn, it's as if their saying something else when spoken aloud...drought dawn... I cant explain...but I like it.
Anyway, my only hiccup is in your single word/verb ending. Not because it's a verb(none of that nonsense) but even though it's a verb it seems underactive.

Suggest..

drought dawn
the last bullet's
last shine

Ok, that my two-cents.

Best Wishes

.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Jan,

WOW! This one speaks a few different meanings for me, in only 7 beats. BRAVO! Firstly, I think of a drought taking place in a farming community, causing the animals to become deathly sick from lack of fresh water. Then I see the dawn rising and make a connection that the dawn will bring further destruction/heat/sickness - this drought looms inevitably. Perhaps the addition of 'fated', 'predestined' or 'inexorable' to drought dawn is something to ponder?

In L2: the last bullet - this is a poignant line, however, I am left wondering why it is the 'last one'? Perhaps that is what you intended the reader to ponder?

shines - the closing is perfectly suited as it further strengthens the idea of the dawn and the drought and the glinting as it's loaded into the gun. It could also symbolize a 'good thing' if the animal had been suffering terribly - the 'shine' is fated...

Of course, I gathered these thoughts from your present situation and wish you better days ahead. How are things there? Is your stud horse out of quarantine yet?

Best regards,
Lori

[JaxMyth]

Hi Terry,

Drought and its effect is luckily foreign to you in the Emerald Isle.

We are also lucky, the recent flood moved us out of drought declared into marginal status but most of the state is still in the unrelenting grip of drought. Suicides increase in such times.

When you have killed all your beasts there is a great attraction in the remaining round.

I think that I will have to cast this as a haibun.

Regards,

Jax

[JaxMyth]

Hi Jan,

WOW! This one speaks a few different meanings for me, in only 7 beats. BRAVO! Firstly, I think of a drought taking place in a farming community, causing the animals to become deathly sick from lack of fresh water. Then I see the dawn rising and make a connection that the dawn will bring further destruction/heat/sickness - this drought looms inevitably. Perhaps the addition of 'fated', 'predestined' or 'inexorable' to drought dawn is something to ponder?

In L2: the last bullet - this is a poignant line, however, I am left wondering why it is the 'last one'? Perhaps that is what you intended the reader to ponder?

shines - the closing is perfectly suited as it further strengthens the idea of the dawn and the drought and the glinting as it's loaded into the gun. It could also symbolize a 'good thing' if the animal had been suffering terribly - the 'shine' is fated...

Of course, I gathered these thoughts from your present situation and wish you better days ahead. How are things there? Is your stud horse out of quarantine yet?

Best regards,
Lori

No-one allows their animals to die of thirst if they can help it. They shoot them first and this is soul destroying, especially if the numbers are large. Then comes the sick attraction of a similar exit. Many have sat brooding with a loaded rifle.

No, the quarantine on the farm may be lifted in two or three months time.

Many thanks Lori,

kind regards,

Jan

[Terocon101]

WHoops, did I get the wrong end of the stick? With your explanation the ku makes more sense(of course) to me, maybe I failed at this one more than the author, but a haibun is a good idea, go with it. They havnt appeared here yet although I.ve written one and might be tempted top post it now.

Its hard to believe in this day and age that a country like Australia doesnt have a back-up plan for these situations. It seems so basic... the things we take for granted eh???

No, I dont think we've had too many droughts in Ireland. But foot & mouth is a problem due to dodgy house-keeping in neighbouring countries, nuff-said.

Keep the faith.

.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Now that casts a new light for me Jan - I was so consumed with the thought of the farm animals as the 'target' of the last bullet, that I didn't think of the alternate situation: the farmer/narrator pondering shooting him/herself because of the sheer tragedy of losing the farm. It certainly puts a different perspective into 'shines' - as if the bullet is prodding him/her.

Still another few months of quarantine, that bites!

Well done!
~Cleo

[4rum]

Afraid I 'stepped in it' too. I did not catch the tragedy, much to my discredit. A closer relationship with this terrible reality might wake us all. This would make a powerful quote.

regards
sam

[JaxMyth]

WHoops, did I get the wrong end of the stick? With your explanation the ku makes more sense(of course) to me, maybe I failed at this one more than the author, but a haibun is a good idea, go with it. They havnt appeared here yet although I.ve written one and might be tempted top post it now.

Its hard to believe in this day and age that a country like Australia doesnt have a back-up plan for these situations. It seems so basic... the things we take for granted eh???

No, I dont think we've had too many droughts in Ireland. But foot & mouth is a problem due to dodgy house-keeping in neighbouring countries, nuff-said.

Keep the faith.

.

Thanks Terry,

I wonder where the best place for haibun would be. I have written a couple in the challenges here but have not posted any for critique.

One of the Brothers who taught was also forever blaming the Brits LOL I would not cast aspersions here though, it may have been an Irish Stallion *smile*

Yesterday was the hottest Spring day since records were started 148 years ago. It does not augur well.

Regards,

Jax

[JaxMyth]

Now that casts a new light for me Jan - I was so consumed with the thought of the farm animals as the 'target' of the last bullet, that I didn't think of the alternate situation: the farmer/narrator pondering shooting him/herself because of the sheer tragedy of losing the farm. It certainly puts a different perspective into 'shines' - as if the bullet is prodding him/her.

Still another few months of quarantine, that bites!

Well done!
~Cleo

Yes that is exactly it. The prodding, a friend recently spent the night with a loaded rifle. Luckily the black dog left in time.

There is talk because of the rapid airborne spread of creating a magenta zone so that movement is allowed within the infected zone, hopefully that will come to pass but not all are declaring their status, neighbouring stud has the virus, the manager came over a week ago to discuss a boundary fence and told me so, but the owner to date has not reported it.

Regards,

Jax

[JaxMyth]

Afraid I 'stepped in it' too. I did not catch the tragedy, much to my discredit. A closer relationship with this terrible reality might wake us all. This would make a powerful quote.

regards
sam

Thanks Sam,

I appreciate you stopping by.

Regards,

Jax

[Terocon101]

Thanks Terry,

I wonder where the best place for haibun would be. I have written a couple in the challenges here but have not posted any for critique.One of the Brothers who taught was also forever blaming the Brits LOL I would not cast aspersions here though, it may have been an Irish Stallion *smile*

Yesterday was the hottest Spring day since records were started 148 years ago. It does not augur well.

Regards,

Jax

Hi Jax...

I defer to the mods on the question of haibun postings in this forum, but the rules say more than 7 lines is too much for shoguns... in saying that...at the same time, haibun would be more appreciated here, I think!!! (???).

Moderation in moderation, LOL. (???)

As for anglo-Irish relations... all is forgiven...LOL...white doves and all that, as long as they dont have the flu.......

PS. No matter what forum, I look forward to your 'prose and haiku' / haibun posting.


.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Jan,

I'd forgotten - a haibun - is that the form that contains a prose response with a haiku in it? That's a hard one - so I think perhaps it should go in Herme's Homilies since it is a fixed form.

Look forward to seeing this one recast!
~Cleo