A haiku of paths... Options

[4rum]

fair winds stir the leaves
the mosaic slides away
paths are left barren

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Sam.

This poem has many various interps one could take away, and switching the lines around also gives a neat perspective. As an exercise, (something Lary told me before when trying to teach me about haiku), is to try another angle, zooming in on one leaf perhaps and one path (diverged) as an idea?

One thing I think might further emphasize the 'wow' juxtaposition of the leaves as strays, while the mosaic tumbles could be to swap L2 and L3 around. By playing it that way - you leave the reader to ponder the line: 'the mosaic slides away' and link fair winds/leaves to barren paths.

Are you a traditional haiku writer - 5/7/5 as demonstrated in your post, or are you open to a more contemporary approach that allows for no more than 17 sylls?

fair winds stir the leaves
the mosaic slides away
paths are left barren

then switch #1 leaves me thinking of a barren path/lost soul as the focus, the mosaic crumbling/insecurities revealed and the wind stirring up mischief (like a storm approaching and a decision forthcoming).

paths are left barren
the mosaic slides away
fair winds stir the leaves

Seitch #2 is in the actions of the unknown mosaic sliding away - where is it going, what has happened, why? I like this line as the hanger, so would love to see you consider it as L3.

Fair winds stir the leaves
paths are left barren (you could add a descriptor here, like what kind of path)
The mosaic slides...

Well, I await your reply!
~Cleo

[4rum]

I write within the traditional parameters because of insecurity. When I study haiku, like any form new to me, I feel the need to accomplish the honored discipline. I respect the haiku, sonnet, triolet etc. I respect the history and culture exemplified in the form. I fear (and this is a personal phobia) exhibiting disrespect to practitioners who maintained such high standards of excellence and perhaps sacrificed many anguished hours to remain true.

I am at a loss as to why we want to call deviation by the same name. After all, haiku is not the oldest form of short Japanese verse. When it was adopted from the older form, Hokku, it was given a new name and nomanclature. Then if we write a different structure, why is there a need to present it as haiku? Please don't take this as argumentative, or accusatory... it is a personal perspective. Once I learn haiku to the point that I am satisfied with just one... then maybe I'll be able to deviate, embellish or enhance. I can count lines, I can count syllables. I can refrain from the inclusion of human quality in keeping with the traditional haiku's teaching through nature. I doubt I will ever master the depth and insight the true poets of old adorned us with.

This haiku has a definate order. I cannot change it. It presents me to your population here. Any future offerings will be a continuation of my journey from a barren path. No obligations, no expectations, only exchanges based on what each of us have to share... further along the path.

Your guidance and suggestions are wonderful in that there is no question that you read my haiku. I've read your comment thoroughly and will read it again. Thank you for your genuine interest. I hope I haven't put you off with my obstinance... I do appreciate the knowledge and guidance from those more accomplished than myself. I have learned from your clear visions on my poem. Thank you so much.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Sam,

No worries - I actually agree with you (I'm VERY new to the Japanese short forms). The two opposing views (traditional vs. contemporary) have me going sometimes too. As with other forms, I most often DO stick to the original params, especially if I am new to the form itself. It's the only way I'll learn. There's so much chatter about the onji and how ait really isn't apples to apples, syll for syll etc. and it gets all the more confusing.

Isn't it funny how a little wind can stir into gusts, leaving the mosaic a little less 'whole'?

Cheers
~Cleo

[4rum]

Dear ~Cleo;

Before I establish myself as a traditionalist, let me emphasize that this discussion has been related to specific form and my personal reflections. I really have not established a form or adopted a style of my own... still searching for something I can do comfortably and know in closing that the piece is finished.

My core view of writing is: "The insistance on 'proper' spelling, grammer, form, structure, meter etc. is VERY important... BUT the stifling of creativity is, in my opinion, the greater ignorance". (Quoted from myself on another forum).

Nothing will dishearten a new writer more quickly than to decimate his/her dream. I much prefer to promote the joy inherant in sharing ones work. I like the positive energy of encouragement. MM's format is wonderfully diverse in that it allows submissions from any level and offers guidance at the writers level of need.

I'd like to establish now, early on, that I am not proficient at any form of writing. I often revert to a phonetic speech pattern that will no doubt infuriate the scholarly. I write what I hear, not what I read. Some of my favorite authors include Samuel Clemens, Joel Chandler Harris and Will Rogers. I have no education and live in constant fear of offending or provoking those advanced writers that might read something I've written. I think that may be more common than some of us care to admit, but it is the case with me.

I think I might do well to take some time to get know your population.

Best regards
Sam

[Lady Poet]

Hi again Sam!

I adore Haiku and in fact all the Japanese poetry that I've seen. So whenever I see someone has crafted one I simply must come and savor their unique flavor. This is quite good, very strong and even mysterious! The syllable count is spot on for the 5-7-5 classic traditional and it is rich in its imagery which is so key in good haiku and what I love about it is its air of mystery. As if an invisible hand or perhaps the foot of a dancing angle swept the mosaic away and the leaves fluttered in her path leaving it temporarily barren. Whimsical of me I know, but that's what captured my senses with its essence of playfulness and "otherworldly" charms. I hope you and I will become reviewing buddies here because I love what I've seen so far. I'm an ecletic poet with no main style so I hope you will like my lighter offerings. I put some serious ones on here because the talent overwhelmed but I'm getting used to it now. Have a great week! Blessings, Pami

[4rum]

Morning Pami;

You've used one of my favorite words, "whimsical". It describes the way I write pretty well. I'm rather new to all writing, especially poetry. I don't have a style. I guess I enjoy plain old end line rhyming verse the most. I do like researching the numerous forms of poetry. I like trying to write in a form just to understand the mechanics if not the beauty an accomplished writer is able to achieve. But I have a tendancy to skip around and just go with whatever theme might occur to me. I do like some of the almost juvenile release found in humorous poetry. I love rowdy, bawdy, ribald (shades of Benny Hill) tongue in cheek burlesque or parody rhymes.

Thank you for your kindness on this attempt at haiku. You are absolutely correct, it does reflect on my search of a new path, a fresh beginning, uncluttered by past perception. Thank you for your wonderful encouragement.

Sam