Senyru or...???, 17 syllable thing-a-ma-jig Options

[Terocon101]

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now, eternal now
forever is in blossom
never dies again

This is something I wrote a couple of years ago, it has 3 lines and 17 syllables so I called it a haiku at the time. Of course it not and I suspect it might not even be a senyru....whats left???

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, Terry...

I can't go back with you to the momentary expression of a couple of years ago, but your explanation, coupled with your words brought me to a replication of a feeling perhaps something like yours, so perhaps it could be stated something like this... _{as a haiku that some might consider a senryu:}

now has returned
to blossom now as before;
will it never die?

Lightly shuffling (words), Daniel

[Terocon101]

now has returned
to blossom now as before;
will it never die?

Lightly shuffling (words), Daniel

Thanks for the edit Daniel,

although I think its very different from mine in meaning, not that thats a bad thing and I'm glad you've had a bit of fun with it but I was curious. Haiku is about beauty in nature, Senyru are somewhat skeptical comments on humanity(???), mine is more philosophical so I was curious as to what Japanese short-form deals in philosophy.

Terry

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Terry,

I would like to recommend that you consider reading all the parameters of both forms before posting here for critique. You can always test the waters in our practice forum over at Karnak Crossing if you are unsure of a form.

IMHO, This one doesn't fit either form's parameters, other than the fact that it contains 17 syllables.

Sorry - I've got to run back to work (pushing anothrr 60+ hour week here)..

Be back.
Lori

[Terocon101]

Hi Cleo

so it ain't haiku
you say; not even senyru
my apologies

I've actually been doing a lot of reading on this subject. I thought senyru's scope might just encompass my little ditty.

60 hour week There should be a law or something.

Terry

[Eisa]

Hi Terry

Noce sentiments here, however I have to agree with Lori that it is neither haiku or senryu at the moment. Haiku/senryu requires no more than 17 syllables -- Lary has given some good links in Karnock.

I find writing 3 short lines more difficult at times than a long poem LOL!!

Good luck with this one.

Snow

[Terocon101]

Hi Snow,

Thanks, my apologies, I should probably remove this, or at least, if a moderator wants to, I have no objection. Beginners mistake

[Lady Poet]

Hi Terry, here I am with my 2 cents. I think the core of your idea is fantastic. May I suggest you keep "forever is in blossom" and rework the rest? You've really got your hook into something here. Don't give up on it!!!!!


Perhaps something like....

seasons eternal
forever in blossom
refreshens our souls

Hugs, Pami

[Terocon101]

Thanks Pami,

This was actually my first ever attempt at a haiku/17 syllable thing-a-ma-jig, lol. I flatter myself that I know a little more now than I did then, but I hesitate to make changes... I'm getting sentimental about this one.

It may not be right for this form/forum... but so what.?.it may fail as a ku but it works for me...

I like your suggestions and am grateful for the time and effort on your part but maybe I'll leave this one alone.

LOL, hopefully the moderators will see this for what it is and not take it as time-wasting on my part. Never my intention. I have been thinking of revision but it doesn't feel right...

Chat ya soon!!

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