 Haiku(revised 25th July), Summer |
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 Jun 25 07, 16:35
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#1
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 Laureate Legionnaire  Posts: 376 Joined: 28-May 07 From: Co. Galway, Ireland Member No.: 440 Real Name: Terry O C Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Ephiny  |
I got a bit of extra help with this one. There's some hope it may be published in an Irish haiku magazine, so again my thanks to all who have helped me.
Final draft A shaft of sunlight through the forest... an open pine cone Revision1 A shaft of sun touches the forest floor; enlightening Original. A shaft of sun
to the forest floor enlightens ·······  ·······Terry
light lights light --Raymond Rosliep "The imagination imitates. It is the critical spirit that creates." --Oscar Wilde MM Award Winner      |
  
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Jun 26 07, 03:46
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#2
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
A shaft of sun to the forest floor enlightens I like this -- it has a spiritual feel at the end where the forest is enlightened and perhaps an insight into the wonders of nature. Perhaps to make the idea more complete stert L2 with 'touches' or similar word. I'm also wondering whether enlightenment might be better than enlightens. A shaft of sun touches the forest floor -- enlightenment Take or toss! Snow 
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner         |
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Jun 26 07, 10:16
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#3
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 376 Joined: 28-May 07 From: Co. Galway, Ireland Member No.: 440 Real Name: Terry O C Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Ephiny |
QUOTE (Eisa @ Jun 26 07, 09:46 )  Perhaps to make the idea more complete stert L2 with 'touches' or similar word. I'm also wondering whether enlightenment might be better than enlightens. A shaft of sun touches the forest floor -- enlightenment Hi Snow, Thanks, 'touches' is brilliant, it definitely adds to the meaning here. I wonder if enlightenment might be too telling? But it also adds to what this is about so its a good option. Terry ······· ·······Terry
light lights light --Raymond Rosliep "The imagination imitates. It is the critical spirit that creates." --Oscar Wilde MM Award Winner |
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Jun 26 07, 18:07
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#4
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hey Terry,
Course, there's always another way to say something: How about 'cultivation' for L3? It would add a few meanings, to groom the land that the sun touches as well as the religious connotation..... ~Cleo ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner  |
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Jun 26 07, 19:01
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#5
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 376 Joined: 28-May 07 From: Co. Galway, Ireland Member No.: 440 Real Name: Terry O C Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Ephiny |
QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Jun 27 07, 00:07 ) Hey Terry, Course, there's always another way to say something: How about 'cultivation' for L3? It would add a few meanings, to groom the land that the sun touches as well as the religious connotation..... ~Cleo Hi Cleo, I do like your thinking on this and 'cultivation' does add a religious aspect, but me personally I'm more of a spiritual person, 'cultivation' has very religious connotations. Not that thats a bad thing, just wanted to keep it as open to interpretation as possible, you know? As it stands I think its both religious and spiritual. Am I making any sense?? 
······· ·······Terry
light lights light --Raymond Rosliep "The imagination imitates. It is the critical spirit that creates." --Oscar Wilde MM Award Winner |
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Jun 26 07, 19:07
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#6
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Oh sure - I see where you are going.
By using 'enlightening' you are telling the reader one specific reaction. My point is merely that 'enlightening' has less "options" of interpretation that 'cultivation'. Enlighten, to me, is 100% religious, whereas cultivation has many differnt meanings that could be left open to the reader. AS always, it's your poem and in the end that's all that matters.... ~Cleo ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Jun 26 07, 20:10
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#7
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 376 Joined: 28-May 07 From: Co. Galway, Ireland Member No.: 440 Real Name: Terry O C Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Ephiny |
Hey Cleo,
Ahh yes , I see where your going now, I was being a little single-minded there. Although 'cultivation' leads me to crops which leads to open expanses of land, which ain't in my shady 'forest' of trees and its single shaft of sunlight.  Anyway, I kinda like the connection with light that 'enlightening' has, just not sold on 'cultivation' but as always I enjoy the different possibilities and always consider suggestions. So, as always thanks you even though my single-mindedness persists.  Ps. I think enlightens is quite suggestive, as in a visual brightness or emotional/conscious and spiritual. Terry ······· ·······Terry
light lights light --Raymond Rosliep "The imagination imitates. It is the critical spirit that creates." --Oscar Wilde MM Award Winner |
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Jun 28 07, 15:44
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#8
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 18,560 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Much appreciating the dialogue here...
may I simply suggest the possibility of "illuminating" Lightly, Daniel 
······· ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
MM Award Winner   |
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Jul 6 07, 09:44
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#9
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 376 Joined: 28-May 07 From: Co. Galway, Ireland Member No.: 440 Real Name: Terry O C Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Ephiny |
Hi Daniel,
I've taken your suggestion on board because I noticed it had five syllables, so I've decided to make this fit the 5/7/5. Any suggestions welcome as line two doesn't seem quite right. Terry ······· ·······Terry
light lights light --Raymond Rosliep "The imagination imitates. It is the critical spirit that creates." --Oscar Wilde MM Award Winner |
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Jul 6 07, 09:58
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#10
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 18,560 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE (Terocon101 @ Jun 25 07, 17:35 ) Revision 2 A shaft of sunlight touched a shady forest floor; illuminating Then how about something like (removing both capitalization and past tense): a shaft of sun pierces forest floor's shade; illuminating Lightly pricking, Daniel I don't think you want something like:  a streak of sundenudes shady forest floor... ······· ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
MM Award Winner |
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Jul 6 07, 10:31
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#11
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 376 Joined: 28-May 07 From: Co. Galway, Ireland Member No.: 440 Real Name: Terry O C Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Ephiny |
HaHa Daniel,
Maybe the kigo for that could be: a streak of sun denudes shady forest floor... petals blush a shaft of sun pierces forest floor's shade; illuminating Yeah theres something to work with here thanks. I'm still gonna try 5/7/5 though. Terry ······· ·······Terry
light lights light --Raymond Rosliep "The imagination imitates. It is the critical spirit that creates." --Oscar Wilde MM Award Winner |
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