kisses stolen -- revision 2, Wizard Award ~ Haiku Options

[Eisa]

Revision 3 28/05/07

stolen kisses --
under pink blossoms
limbs entwine

*******************************

I've decided to go with this for a revision -- but not sure all the same!

kisses --
limbs unfold as
white blossoms

****************
Here's an oldie from Herme's


kisses stolen
under cherry tree –
love blossoms

[laryalee]

Hi Snow,
what a lovely moment!
Such a pretty image, and a delightful play
on "blossoms" as verb/noun.

The only thing I'd suggest is an article
for line 2...to follow our natural way of speaking.
Now, whether it's "under a cherry tree" or
"under the cherry tree" makes a slight difference,
and that's what you would need to decide....
Was this a specific cherry tree, or just one
among many?

You might like to try "stolen kisses" in line 1...
it changes the impact a little and removes a verb --
not necessarily better, but just to play with...

stolen kisses
under the cherry tree --
love blossoms

Some poets like using verbs, and others enjoy
verbless haiku. Here's an article by Ferris Gilli:

http://www.worldhaikureview.org/1-3/whcsch...lesshaiku.shtml




Lary

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi SNow.

I also think that switching the words around in L1 to 'stolen kisses' might give more options for L2. I am thinking of something that Lary mentioned in my thread - try not to 'tell' too much to let the reader's mind wander a bit. Keepign that in mind, I'm thinking 'under the cherry tree' could be left open a bit more if you described it without saying what it is. Cherry blossoms - are they pink or white? Maybe you could infuse color here to describe the tree and pink as a 'blush' reaction'?

Something like:

stolen kisses
illuminate (enliven, imbue, fresco) pink --
love blossoms

Am I way off?

Enjoyed!
~Cleo

[Eisa]

Hi Snow,
what a lovely moment!
Such a pretty image, and a delightful play
on "blossoms" as verb/noun.

The only thing I'd suggest is an article
for line 2...to follow our natural way of speaking.
Now, whether it's "under a cherry tree" or
"under the cherry tree" makes a slight difference,
and that's what you would need to decide....
Was this a specific cherry tree, or just one
among many?

You might like to try "stolen kisses" in line 1...
it changes the impact a little and removes a verb --
not necessarily better, but just to play with...

stolen kisses
under the cherry tree --
love blossoms

Some poets like using verbs, and others enjoy
verbless haiku. Here's an article by Ferris Gilli:

http://www.worldhaikureview.org/1-3/whcsch...lesshaiku.shtml




Lary

Thank you so much Lary. I had to smile when I read your comment about changing 'kisses stolen' to 'stolen kisses' as that's what I had originaly -- really don't know why I changed it!

Thanks also for the link to article by Ferris Gilli which was very interesting. I can see I have a lot to learn. Writing 3 short lines needs a lot of knowledge -- more than a longer poem as I suppose you're getting down to the bones and must decide on what's important.

I think I'll enjoy this forum very much.!

Snow

[Eisa]

Hi SNow.

I also think that switching the words around in L1 to 'stolen kisses' might give more options for L2. I am thinking of something that Lary mentioned in my thread - try not to 'tell' too much to let the reader's mind wander a bit. Keepign that in mind, I'm thinking 'under the cherry tree' could be left open a bit more if you described it without saying what it is. Cherry blossoms - are they pink or white? Maybe you could infuse color here to describe the tree and pink as a 'blush' reaction'?

Something like:

stolen kisses
illuminate (enliven, imbue, fresco) pink --
love blossoms

Am I way off?

Enjoyed!
~Cleo

No, I don't think you are way off there Lori. In any poetry, hinting at something is sometimes more intersting than being direct. How about ~


stolen kisses
intensifying pink --
love blossoms


Snow

[Cleo_Serapis]

That's very pretty too Snow!

Glad you liked where I was going with me old noggin.....
of course another option is not to use 'pink' too - and use 'blush' instead for multi-meaning of the color and the emotion?

[Eisa]

That's very pretty too Snow!

Glad you liked where I was going with me old noggin.....
of course another option is not to use 'pink' too - and use 'blush' instead for multi-meaning of the color and the emotion?

Just pressed somthing and deleted my reply -- shows it's my bedtime (past 1am here)

I have been giving this some more thought and had been wondering if I could bring 'flush' into L2, which is near to 'blush'. We must be on the same wave lenghth. LOL! I think I'd better leave this until tomorrow as my mind is seizing up. I'm tired!

Good night Lori

Snow

[laryalee]

I'll just toss one more thought in...
for me, the cherry tree shows, without
telling ...the blush of love, the white of innocence...
they're pink or white, so either would work.

And since cherry blossoms are a well-known
Japanese kigo, this haiku has everything!
(Kigo is another topic, lol!)


Lary

[Guest_Kathy_*]

kisses stolen
under the cherry tree
love blossoms

Nice, Snow. :) (I added 'the' as suggested above.)

Adding a colour sounds like a good idea, but it might crowd it a bit. Unless you want to take 'love' out and put the shade of your choice in. That would imply the associated quality, ie love or innocence.

'stolen' may not be necessary. ??

K

[Eisa]

I'll just toss one more thought in...
for me, the cherry tree shows, without
telling ...the blush of love, the white of innocence...
they're pink or white, so either would work.

And since cherry blossoms are a well-known
Japanese kigo, this haiku has everything!
(Kigo is another topic, lol!)


Lary

I was thinking of pink blossom to show their blushing -- but white for innocence is another angle I'd not thought of -- I like that one!.

Kigo -- I have such a lot to learn. LOL!

Thanks Lary, you've given me something else to think on.

Snow

[Eisa]

kisses stolen
under the cherry tree
love blossoms

Nice, Snow. :) (I added 'the' as suggested above.)

Adding a colour sounds like a good idea, but it might crowd it a bit. Unless you want to take 'love' out and put the shade of your choice in. That would imply the associated quality, ie love or innocence.

'stolen' may not be necessary. ??

K

Good ideas Kathy!

Taking this to the bones -- stolen is probably unnecessary. Good thinking!

Mmmm.... that is a thought, changing love to a colour -- got me thinking!

Thanks Snow

[Eisa]

How about a change ~

kisses –
limbs unfold as
white blossoms

[Cleo_Serapis]

Tee hee Snow.

My mind is in the gutter with 'limbs unfold'.

I would imagine 'blushing' as pink more than white, but then again, white is 'innocence' in my mind.

Instead of stolen kisses, is there another image you can portray about the 'kisses'?

~Cleo

[Guest_Kathy_*]

kisses
limbs unfold as
white blossoms


Hahahahahaha!! You are having fun! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! Fun always leads to creativity, for me.

Now, the idea is great. But. (Here's the but) No not that butt!
'unfold' gets in the way for me. I see arms and legs unfold like folded paper, and the tree limbs zoing out like a telescope. But that could be 'just me.'

kisses
limbs unfold as
white blossoms

What about 'entwine' instead of 'unfold.' Both lovers and branches can do that. But not as blossoms. You'll have to rewrite it, and will need to be careful to make a fragment and a phrase, instead of a 'shopping list' of unconnected images. Like this:

kisses
limbs entwine
white blossoms


So, let's see if I can do anything with it, and then let you try. We have to make a phrase that runs over two lines, juxtaposed with a fragment. Just adding 'with' will give a fragment/phrase:

kisses
limbs entwine with
white blossoms

Or

kisses
limbs entwine beneath
white blossoms

or

kisses
beneath white blossoms
limbs entwine


Your turn.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Snow,

I'm not good at Haiku's at all but I'm jumping in with both feet! LOL If it should be more descriptive than telling what about...

a taste of kisses
'neath blushing maraschinos...
love blossoms

Here you would have the blush from the pink blossoms and the blush from the kiss and yet no direct mention of a tree. 'Twould give the reader something to think on.

OR

a hint of kiss
under shades of blushing bings...
love blossoms

And here you would still have the blush of pink blossoms and the blush from a kiss and 'shades' could be just a hint of the tree... 'bings' hinting at cherries of course. Like I said I'm no good with Haiku but I thought I'd take a chance! LOL

Lovely thought BTW~

Cathy

[Eisa]

Tee hee Snow.

My mind is in the gutter with 'limbs unfold'.

ROFL!! Oh Lori! I see what you mean!

I would imagine 'blushing' as pink more than white, but then again, white is 'innocence' in my mind.

I was trying a different angle ... Lary said white blossoms could portray innocence, and I thought I'd go with that this time round.

Instead of stolen kisses, is there another image you can portray about the 'kisses'?

Well Kathy asked if stolen was necessary -- and on thinking it over 'kisses' on it's own shows everything needed (I think)

~Cleo

I think I shall have to get rid of those unfurling limbs LOL!

Snow

[Eisa]

kisses
limbs unfold as
white blossoms


Hahahahahaha!! You are having fun! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! Fun always leads to creativity, for me.

I am having fun -- and I've already sent Lori hurtling into the gutter! LOL!!

Now, the idea is great. But. (Here's the but) No not that butt!
'unfold' gets in the way for me. I see arms and legs unfold like folded paper, and the tree limbs zoing out like a telescope. But that could be 'just me.'

kisses
limbs unfold as
white blossoms

What about 'entwine' instead of 'unfold.' Both lovers and branches can do that. But not as blossoms. You'll have to rewrite it, and will need to be careful to make a fragment and a phrase, instead of a 'shopping list' of unconnected images. Like this:

I must say 'unfold' was not the word I was looking for -- just near. 'Entwine' is just right! I kept thinking 'embrace' and just couldn't get my mind around it. Yes, entwine is perfect for my intent.

kisses
limbs entwine
white blossoms


So, let's see if I can do anything with it, and then let you try. We have to make a phrase that runs over two lines, juxtaposed with a fragment. Just adding 'with' will give a fragment/phrase:

kisses
limbs entwine with
white blossoms

Or

kisses
limbs entwine beneath
white blossoms

Mmmm.... I think BENEATH white blossoms fits my original thoughts of being under the cherry tree.

or

kisses
beneath white blossoms
limbs entwine


Your turn.

Thanks Kathy

Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Snow,

Hi Cathy -- it's good to see you here

I'm not good at Haiku's at all but I'm jumping in with both feet! LOL If it should be more descriptive than telling what about...

I think jumping in with both feet is the only way to learn. i wrote a few last year, but my mind's seized up since then. LOL!

I think although you should show rather than tell -- it should still be concise.

a taste of kisses
'neath blushing maraschinos...
love blossoms

Lovely thought -- I think to keep concise though,'kisses' might be enough.

Here you would have the blush from the pink blossoms and the blush from the kiss and yet no direct mention of a tree. 'Twould give the reader something to think on.

OR

a hint of kiss
under shades of blushing bings...
love blossoms

And here you would still have the blush of pink blossoms and the blush from a kiss and 'shades' could be just a hint of the tree... 'bings' hinting at cherries of course. Like I said I'm no good with Haiku but I thought I'd take a chance! LOL

You are giving me lots to think about here Cathy. i think I'll still need to do more revisions until I get it right.

Lovely thought BTW~

Cathy

Thanks Cathy

Snow

[laryalee]

kisses --
under pink blossoms
limbs entwine

Snow, I really like this version...
the limbs can belong either to people
or to the tree itself...this double meaning
is appreciated in haiku!


Lary

P.S. I forgot, I was going to give you a link
to cherry blossom haiku...an annual festival in my
province of British Columbia!

http://www.vancouvercherryblossomfestival.com/vcbf/haiku2007

I think this is a neat way to see how different poets
write about one topic. And I had forgotten that someone
wrote about a "stolen kiss"...this should prove to you that
your haiku thoughts are good ones!

[Eisa]

kisses --
under pink blossoms
limbs entwine

Snow, I really like this version...
the limbs can belong either to people
or to the tree itself...this double meaning
is appreciated in haiku!


Lary

P.S. I forgot, I was going to give you a link
to cherry blossom haiku...an annual festival in my
province of British Columbia!

http://www.vancouvercherryblossomfestival.com/vcbf/haiku2007

I think this is a neat way to see how different poets
write about one topic. And I had forgotten that someone
wrote about a "stolen kiss"...this should prove to you that
your haiku thoughts are good ones!

Thanks Lary -- I feel I've made progress (with a lot of help from my friends)

What a wonderful link -- I've had a quick look but will come back again later. Amazing thoughts on one topic -- and I love the 'stolen kiss' one.

Talking of 'stolen kiss' -- I missed out stolen in revision. I'm not sure whether I should have left it in ????

I really am enjoying this forum very much!

Snow