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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 _ Be Still

Posted by: Siren Sep 27 10, 16:09

"Seize!"

"Quiet down!"

"Release me!"

My body vibrates these chants
with each passing fortnight.

Nocturnal- ceaseless- pin pricking
numbs humane reactions.

Imaginary Choruses of raging waves
ravish my days and nights.

Weakly twisting between soaked sheets,
my tears are embraced by drought.

Morning light stings swollen reddened orbs,
filtered through UV protective lenses.

Pill box flaps heavily in my pocket,
with timers buzzing each ones' turn.

"Seize!"
My shuffling feet resonate my pleas,
as each full moon rises then falls.

I know this needs a lot of work but this is my first attempt at writing for months... Hope to get your feedback.

Dani

Posted by: Psyche Sep 29 10, 00:08

Hey Dani! This is impressive and I'm so glad you've written a poem after a troubled "drought".
Maybe it needs some clipping but at first reading I think it's spectacular.
Sometimes -not always- a crisis brings on creativity.

I'll return here because now it's 2 a.m. and I want to post my own first new poem after a long interval. I'm also having big troubles, but won't go into the details now. I had to postpone a short holiday because of an accident to my grandsons' father (my ex son-in-law).

So... let's write what we can, hey Dani!

Hugs & love, Syl***

Posted by: Eisa Oct 1 10, 13:29

Hi Dani

This is brilliant - and I think Syl is right that it just needs a little trim. Some suggestions:

"Seize!"

"Quiet down!"

"Release me!"

Personally, I'd write these in italics - not speech marks.

Seize!

Quiet down!

Release me!

My body vibrates these chants
[with each passing fortnight].

perhaps:
as time passes

Nocturnal- ceaseless- pin pricking
numbs humane reactions.

Imaginary Choruses of raging waves
ravish my days and nights.

Weakly twisting between soaked sheets,
my tears are embraced by drought.

Morning light stings swollen reddened orbs,
filtered through UV protective lenses.

Pill box flaps heavily in my pocket,
with timers buzzing each ones' turn.

Seize!
My shuffling feet resonate my pleas,
as each full moon rises then falls.

If you decide to go with the italics, then include this one

Reading throught this again, I cannot think of anything to change - I find it well written and thought out. I will come back to it, but you have done well with this.

Hugs Snow

Posted by: Siren Oct 2 10, 14:01

Dearest Syl,

Thanks so much for the lovely comments and yes this does need some trimming. I guess this is half of my cure and am sure you understand it well.

Hope to get your feedback when you have time.

Hugs and love

Dani

Posted by: Siren Oct 2 10, 14:06

Dearest Eira,

I am so grateful for the help you have offered so far and will take your suggestions. I hope that I have relayed the image of this incessant torture well and would love if you anything else to offer..

Thanks so much honey

Love and hugs

Dani

Posted by: Psyche Oct 26 10, 16:41

Hi dear Dani,

I've been away a long time due to a personal tragedy in our family, but here I am, back to read your quite special poem again. I see that Snow has already given you good suggestions, I do hope you'll return soon in better health.
Here go some questions & comments, to toss or take, dear Dani:

QUOTE (Siren @ Sep 28 10, 00:09 )

"Seize!" <<<<<<<< I'm unsure whether you mean 'cease' rather than 'seize'. I know that you're referring to epileptic seizures that torment the writer, but here in this context it would seem that the torment must terminate, stop.

"Quiet down!" <<<<<it would be interesting to have these 3 pleas for liberation in italics, as Snow suggests. Without inverted commas.

"Release me!"

My body vibrates these chants <<<<< 'sorrowful or plaintive chants'? Some such adj.?

with each passing fortnight.

Nocturnal- ceaseless- pin pricking
numbs humane reactions.

Perhaps: 'Nocturnal pin-pricking seizures
numb humane reactions'? Here the reader is introduced to the real suffering, altho' I understand the seizures can be at any time of day.

Imaginary Choruses of raging waves <<<<I don't think you need to Cap choruses.

ravish my days and nights.

Weakly twisting between soaked sheets,
my tears are embraced by drought. <<<<Very good!

Morning light stings swollen reddened orbs,
filtered through UV protective lenses.<<<< Brilliant!

Pill box flaps heavily in my pocket,
with timers buzzing each ones' turn. <<<<<< Harsh reality with simple vocabulary, excellent!

"Seize!"
My shuffling feet resonate my pleas,
as each full moon rises then falls. <<<<<< Sensational finale, Dani!

I know this needs a lot of work but this is my first attempt at writing for months... Hope to get your feedback. <<<< Impressive comeback!

Dani

I think your poem excels, Dani. I just have this problem with your use of the word 'seize' which means to grab, carpe diem, seize the day! Maybe you could explain, as I'm sure I'm pretty dense these days...
Many hugs & I wish you peace & love,
Syl***