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Household*** |
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Nov 27 15, 17:56
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 256
Joined: 2-November 15
From: Croydon, Surrey
Member No.: 5,284
Real Name: Antony Glaser
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Eira Rhaposdy
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I find rhyming not liberating. It stymies the flow, making for jumps in context / connection. It feels vintage. Meanwhile Violence at Christmas time needs spelling out, moving furniture, crackers sounding off etc. Alluding with pre-set poetry is not your impactful self.
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Imagination fires the soul, resolution the longing.
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Nov 29 15, 17:20
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Hello Krista, Since this poem has a set rhyming pattern, would you mind if I move it into our rhyming forum? Please let me know. Thanks! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Nov 29 15, 19:48
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Hi Krista, Ok - I've moved your poem into the rhyming forum. Do not concern yourself too heavily about critiquing other R&M poems in this forum - even if you focus on your initial reaction - does the title convey the content that you expected? Do the rhymes fit well, does the rhythm jar or is it smooth? The metrics of specific form are a bit tougher like the sonnet for example - but you can always ask the poet for help there, and we are here too (although I haven't been offering many crits yet as I'm stuck on admin duties at present, but I'll be along as soon as able. Please let me know if you have any other questions. Cheers, ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Nov 30 15, 14:04
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter
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Hi K.S. Lenk, Good to meet you. I will get to your poem separately but wanted to reply to something you said here that brought back such warm and amazing memories. I remember when I first started years ago - on Poem Kingdom, where many of the old timers here at MM met, bonded and have been critical to each others learning. Critique forums are for learning and growing. When I first started I had no education, no previous knowledge of rhyme, rhythems, forms. I only knew what sounded right to me, what made me feel and what pleased me, made me cry or inspired me. Your work is very good. As all of our poetry needs tweaking so does this, but I wanted to share that so you know ... just because you aren't sure of yourself with forms, rhyming and formal poetry, you possess one thing that makes you more than adequate to reply to others ... you know what you like, you have feelings and emotions and you are willing to learn and grow. :) I hope to get to know more of your work and grow with you... Best Regards, Amethyst QUOTE (K.S. Lenk @ Nov 29 15, 17:27 ) Hi Cleo,
No of course I don't mind. I didn't myself, because I felt inadequate in giving feedback to other entries and I know this is a requirement for posting. As I write mostly FV myself, I'm not sure how to approach the rhyming ones. I do love them though and often read them with a slight touch of envy :) I make rare attempts myself, just don't feel I've found a tone or voice in it yet.
Thank you.
Regards , K.
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Dec 1 15, 19:00
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Hi Krista,
I'm glad this has been moved over here as I feel you may get more useful suggestions in this forum.
I've read this a number of times and like Luce, I am still not sure what it's about, so first thing I feel is to make your meaning clearer.
You have used some interesting rhyme words, which is refreshing, as most people who are new to rhyming stick to safer words.
I have a feeling that longer lines here might be a good thing 1: to expand the meaning 2: to help the flow.
I'm sorry I cannot be of more help ate the moment. If I knew what it was about that might help.
I'll be back!
Eira
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Dec 2 15, 03:21
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 8,870
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
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Hi Krista,
I've been reading over your lines several times. What comes to mind -for me- is the ominous silence before some huge disaster. It makes me fear that a terrible quarrel is about to ensure. Between a wife and husband, maybe brought to a standstill by the arrival of guests.
I'll tell you why these thoughts ensured, tho' I may be way off topic. When you say 'switch', the term 'switchblade' comes to mind. And then there's violence and a fate that cannot be absolved. One of them may be feeling a temptation to take out a knife from his/her pocket and switch it open, fast!
I happen to have a switchblade myself! It used to belong to my hubby, most likely for defence purposes should thieves get into our household. He never threatened me with it...LOL. And when his mind went, I hid it away, of course...
'...a nerve laid bare...' Hmmm....
And then people arrive.
QUOTE as unspeaking, they serve. In grace they curve.
I get the impression that they pull themselves together to proceed with the act of serving their guests, unspeaking...in grace they curve...Wow, what a dense atmosphere must have reigned at that reunion! Hope some red wine and then champagne, along with the food, cheered everyone up! Tho' alcohol can lead to the exact opposite, wherein the foresaid disaster comes in.
Krista, I agree with Eisa that lenghtening the lines would give you more scope to fill in the parts we don't understand, at least a little. I've simply been guessing and having fun, since you've used great rhymes as well as enjambing the stanzas nicely.
Tx for sharing, I'm off to bed. Syl***
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Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Dec 2 15, 12:18
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 78
Joined: 13-November 15
Member No.: 5,294
Real Name: Krista van der Steen
Writer of: Poetry
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Hello Eisa and Psyche,
Thank you for your feedback and positive reactions. I don't often wander over to the rhyming side or formal forms, but challenge myself every now and again.
I will contemplate lengthening to aid meaning...I do love a bit of a mystery and tend to be staccato :). I like the fact that you, Psyche, picked up the darker undertones. However, no physical violence to humans is intended here. I was alone and sat pondering over things as my eyes followed the furniture, chairs, lamps, sofas, switches etc and my mind started to run with it a bit. I recognised how elegant things are in silence. My little boy always 'pretends' that toys magically move from one place to another...like in Toystory: the minute people leave the room, they come alive. I took this thought and considered how they must 'think' and 'feel' while we're still there. They are our servants, whether they like it or not.
:)
Thanks again!
Regards, K.
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Dec 3 15, 16:02
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 8,870
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
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Krista,
Many thanks for sharing your thoughts with us, the ones you were thinking when you wrote the poem. I can't see the poem right now, maybe because it has been moved here. I guess I'll see it once I've posted this.
Hey, when I was a child there were story books about toys moving around when people slept! Various sorts, some quite tragic, such as the paper ballerina who danced off the shelf and fell into the fire...
Children also flew out the window...LOL...as in Peter Pan. And The Blue Bird... Loved them!
Tx for telling us your thoughts. Still, I think your poem needs just a few more 'hints' for the reader to capture the original ideas you were tossing around in your mind as you wrote. Because your ideas are truly interesting and would seduce your fans!
Congrats on this one, Syl***
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Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Dec 4 15, 00:21
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 11,376
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.
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Hi Krista,
Welcome to MM and I'm glad Lori moved this to the R&M section for critique. It has the form and rhyme pattern of the sonnet but I have my doubts of anyone being able to embellish each line to make it metrically even. You would have to try utilizing a mixture of trochaic, dactylic and/or anapestic patterns and probably a tetrameter format.
I loved the anthropomorphic connotations you have given inanimate objects (are they really?) and the punishment the human body might inflict on chairs and couches and other furniture in general. I especially enjoyed your ending couplet and in my mind's eye can picture a chair curved obeisantly in deferential courtesy for someone to have a seat.
If you wish it, I'll try to offer some suggestions in fleshing out your "Household".
Thanks for the new perspective,
Larry
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Dec 5 15, 05:08
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 78
Joined: 13-November 15
Member No.: 5,294
Real Name: Krista van der Steen
Writer of: Poetry
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Hi Larry,
Thank you so much for your thoughts. I am very, very new to rhyme and have only just learned about the sonnet, iambic pentameter....and still struggling with its mathematics :) This work is by no means an attempt to write formally, i just had the last line in my head and decided to stick with rhyme for a change. The other formats you mention I have never even heard of, this is how uninformed I am.
I will try to lengthen lines, bearing a solid rhythm in mind. It goes against my natural instinct of writing short and somewhat obscure. I like riddles, what can I say ? :)
I would appreciate any suggestions you may have for it, but please don't feel you must.
Regards, K
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Dec 5 15, 08:59
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 18,560
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Hi Krista! I'm going to pirate Larry's words and add to them for clarification. I'm sure he won't mind!QUOTE (Larry @ Dec 4 15, 00:21 ) Hi, Krista, Welcome to MM and I'm glad Lori moved this to the R&M section for critique. It has the form and rhyme pattern of the sonnet but I have my doubts of anyone being able to embellish each line to make it metrically even. [Actually, Larry knows better than that; virtually anything can be embellished into a sonnet, in my opinion!] You would have to try utilizing a mixture of trochaic, <--- = DUM da (It's the meter in much of Poe's work). If you follow that link I provided, you will see a chart of other metrical patterns, or "feet", including the ones that Larry mentions here ---> dactylic [ DUM da da ] and/or anapestic [ da da DUM ] patterns and probably a tetrameter <--- This link is particularly helpful! [= four of any of the various metrical feet] format. Larry [ and Daniel ] And by the way, I want to also agree with and underscore Liz's words about having been educated at Poem Kingdom. When I entered there I was fairly good with rhyme, but for the most part the only meter that I felt was the typical hymns that I knew from church... and I had no idea what the various metrical form names were, or for that matter ANY of the poetical terms. When helpful folks mentioned them, it only confused me more!
One of the writers there taught me that "iambic pentameter" simply meant daDUM daDum daDUM daDUM daDUM [ Well, duh! I said; how come none of my English teachers ever told me that!? ] and then walked me through and understanding of what a quatrain is, what a couplet is and then the fact that an English sonnet = three quatrains and a couplet, and then introduced me to various rhyme and format schemes for other kinds of sonnets. It is an ongoing education, and all of us have little pieces of the big picture to share with each other... including our various and differing perspectives.
Welcome to some life-long learning!
deLightingly, Daniel
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Dec 5 15, 10:12
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 18,560
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Krista, here is one of a thousand ways in which your words might be "expanded" as has been suggested. What I share here is by no means thoroughly in a smooth meter, since I've been restricted by the specific rhyme words that you've chosen, but I want you to try to feel the attempt at a metrical pattern in portraying what you described in your explanation AND in your poem. This is NOT a suggestion of what your piece should say and how to say it. It's merely an example of ONE way that your ideas can be expanded... and a challenge for you to enter into the adventure of doing the same kind of exercise:Household SecretsHere I bask in the relish of silence of the furniture quiet in wait before play in a dark secret violence when the humans walk out; it's a fate that's unknown, so cannot be absolved. Imagine new use as the switch flicked, or what force on this day is involved in which any old item is tricked into willing nouveau participation in a transformed existence - a share in some communal accommodation with every-day nerves now laid bare. Watch their unspeaking ways that they serve, turn in grace in strange ways as they curve. QUOTE (K.S. Lenk @ Nov 27 15, 13:09 ) Household
The relish of silence, of quiet furniture in wait before the act of violence occurs, a fate
that cannot be absolved. A use, a switch flicked, a force to be involved in which they feel tricked
into participation of existence, of a share in accommodation, a nerve laid bare
as unspeaking, they serve. In grace they curve. deLighting in anticipation of your adventure, Daniel
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