My Perception Options

[Maggie]

My Perception (Final Draft)


It was a momentous day!

At 11:45 a.m. April 8th, 2005
I stepped through the doorway
of the social security office
triumphant.
I had lived to start collecting.

There you were
sitting in front of me.
You hadn't changed at all
since I last saw you
over seven years ago.
"Are you...?" I began,
motioning toward the back office.
"Medicare," you interrupted,
seemingly startled.

We said nothing more.
I stood, looking back at you
realizing I'd lost my bearings-
adrift in a timeless place…
acutely aware, I absorbed
your long-sought-for presence.

From the corner of my eye,
I glimpsed the clerk approaching.
Would she break the spell?
I didn't dare turn or look.
Your eyes stayed fixed on mine,
and your blissful smile-the broadest I've ever seen.

As I continued my gaze,
time began to return to me.
"Are you still teaching at the same school?"
"No," I answered. "I've retired."
After summing up the past seven years
in few words, I said, "I wasn't expecting-"
"Neither was I." you emphasized.

There was everything,
yet nothing else to say.
I turned and quietly walked away.

How do you remember it?

Peggy Carpenter Harwood

[Arnfinn]

How are ya Peg,

This poem is a treat, easy to read.

These are my thoughts, may be astray... but what the heck. We are captive to our imagination.

Now listen Peg I may be away out on this...

This is my story from your poem.

A retired schoolteacher is working (probably casual) for SS. She's just been paid and she's finished her shift...Hmmm 11.45 may be a tad early (may be going to get a bite to eat). She opens the office door, and who does she bump into... Yeah baby, you guessed it, the passionate heart throb from a one night stand, (that night of of unbelievable togetherness; she known him formally and had been good friends for years) then whamo- one night all the pieces fell into place...seven years ago, this hansom guy (something like Arnfinn. Arnfinn's got cute horns on his skull ). Anyway as I said they bump into each other, then- the stares of remembrance... aflutter of heart beats, then a walk to the car, wondering...hey, I wonder if he remembers it like I did. According to the EYE contact I'd say Yeeeeeeeeeeees.

An captivating poem Peg.

Is there any foundation of truth behind the story.



Well written, Peg.



John

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Peggy

What a story, bumping into someone who you once knew, perhaps intimately, in the Social Security Office. It also has a ring of truth about it.

At the end I wanted the narrator to stay and talk rather than leave.

I especially liked the way you captured in words how you felt on seeing him sitting there. I could feel it with you.

Personally, it is a little wordy for my liking. I have some suggestions but they might be too minimalist for you. It is your poem so feel free to hate and ignore what I suggest. It is only my opinion for what it's worth.

It got far too complicated to show the edits, so here is the edited version.

Eleven forty-five,
April the eighth, 2005 -
a momentous day.
I’d lived to collect my checks;
I was elated.

The interview had gone well.
I felt confident and self-assured
as I turned the knob
and stepped through the inner door
of the social security office

You were sitting in front of me
on a metal folding chair.
You hadn't changed
since that night,
over seven years ago.

No longer rooted
in Eastern Standard Time.
I was afloat in a timeless place.
My inner clock had stopped.
"Are you...?"
I motioned toward the back office.
"Medicare," you answered quickly.

What happened next was everything and yet nothing.
I was acutely aware, yet utterly rudderless.
Another level of consciousness -
I absorbed your long-sought-for presence.
The multicolored threads
in your light blue sport coat held me.

I remained standing; you seated.
I saw the clerk come from behind me and into the room.
I didn't move a muscle,
didn't dare turn;
afraid she would break the spell.
She didn't;
your eyes still fixed on mine.
Perception clearer,
I noticed your smile –
the broadest I've ever seen.

Time passed
as I continued to gaze at your face.
"Are you still working at the same school?"
you asked.
"No," I answered. "I've retired."
Then summed up the last seven years
in seven syllables.
"I wasn't especting...."
I started to explain.
"Neither was I..."
you apologized.

There was everything and nothing else to say.
I turned and walked to my car in the misty rain.

How do you remember it?

Nina

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Peggy

Very conversational, personal, intimate.

I particularly like the one-sided naration; that we only have the narator's personal POV on this meeting.

I was just a tad confused as to why she was in the SSO - retired? job seeking? (interview?)

The description of meeting him is fabulous - the intensity, surprise, awkwardness, really comes through so well.

Fran

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Peggy I enjoyed the one side conversation, reminded me of the song by dan folgeberg..were two lovers meet in a grocery store. Very full of emotion for such a short meeting.
Steve

[Maggie]

Thank all of you for your great feedback, suggestions, complements, and encouragement. I reworked and tightened. Is it any better?

Peggy

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Peggy.

Would you mind if I offer futher tightening and re-arranging of some of your lines in my critique?

Just wanted to ask first before I dive.

Regards!
~Cleo

[Maggie]

Hi Peggy.

Would you mind if I offer futher tightening and re-arranging of some of your lines in my critique?

Just wanted to ask first before I dive.

Regards!
~Cleo

Thank you Cleo. I'd like to get some ideas!

Peggy

[Maggie]

Hi folks,

Anyone who can, I'd love some comments on this last draft? Thank you so much in advance!!

Peggy

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Peggy

Well done for your revision, it is coming together nicely. It is helpful though if you could leave the original and post revisions above it so that we can look at both.

A few thoughts


There you were
sitting in front of me
in one of the metal folding chairs.
You hadn't changed at all
since I last saw you that January night
over seven years before.
"Are you...?"
I began, motioning toward the back office.
"Medicare," you interrupted, seemingly startled.

We said nothing more.
I just stood looking back at you,
realizing I'd lost my bearings-
adrift in a timeless place.
I was acutely aware
as I seemingly absorbed
your long-sought-for presence.
Another level of consciousness?

You've changed these verses and merged two verses together here but I feel the change isn't quite as powerful as it was. I can't recall the original and can only work on my own suggestions but how about something like:

There you were
sitting in front of me
in one of the metal folding chairs.
You hadn't changed at all
since I last saw you that January night
over seven years before.

No longer rooted
in Eastern Standard Time.
I was afloat in a timeless place.
I was acutely aware, yet utterly rudderless.
Another level of consciousness -
I absorbed your long-sought-for presence.

"Are you...?"
I motioned toward the back office.
"Medicare," you answered quickly, startled.


As I continued gazing at you,
time {began to return to me}[returned].
{Seemingly out of your trance,} [breaking the trance] you spoke.
"Are you still teaching at the same school?"
"No," I answered. "I've retired."
After summing up the last seven years
in a few words, I said,
"I wasn't expecting...."
"Neither was I..."
you emphasized. ...I'm not sure emphasized works here, apologised was better

There was everything, yet nothing {else}[more] to say.
I turned and quietly walked outside to my car.
How do you remember it?

Nina

[Cybele]

Hello Peggy,

i think the content of your piece is great! That said, it reads (and i want to read it that way,) like a piece of prose writing.

Trying to read it as a poem is a little difficult for me since my brain is looking for some kind of meter.

Like Nina, I find this a little wordy for a poem but a great piece of anecdotal prose, with a very unusual and interesting story as its base.

Thanks for the read.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Thank you Cleo. I'd like to get some ideas!

Peggy

Hi Peggy.

I will be along this weekend to catch up on lots of critiques. We seem to be a bit 'light' right now on them so whatever I can do, I will.

One more question, as I too read this very much as anecdotal prose and am having a hard time keeping a poetry hat on for this one. Would you be open to also posting your 'original' or revision in our prose forum? Do you still have the original version (we suggest that our members do not delete them when posting revisions)?

My critique in this forum will be based on reformatting this version using some poetic devices, eliminating a lot of words, perhaps offering some rhythmic elements, and stanza re-arranging. I do not usually get so detailed with other members' works, so I just want to make sure that you are open to it first before I dive in.

As always, our comments are always just that, food for thought as you work is your own. I think it might be interesting though to see this as poetry and prose to see what feedback you might take away from both forums.

If you are open to posting this also in our prose forum, please go to Stonehenge listed below.
http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/index.php?showforum=8

TTFN
Cleo

[Peterpan]

Hello Peggy

I simply loved it! I enjoyed every word. I was there with you every look and step of the way.

Is the story true?

Facinatingly written!

Thank you for sharing it.

PP

[Maggie]

Hi folks,

Thank you for all the great comments, help, and offers of more help!! As for putting in metaphor and rhythm, I'm really not interested in making it ornate. I'd rather let the timelessness and rudderless feelings speak for themselves in a stark and straight forward piece.

I wrote about this incident in a rhymed poem and wasn't satisfied. My last version of that is below.

Of Time and Eternity

Over seven years had passed since we'd said goodbye,
And I'd told myself I'd forgotten you,
But when I opened that door that day
I knew such a lie wasn't true.

Of all the places I'd imagined we might meet,
It certainly wasn't there,
But there you were in that empty room
Sitting in a metal folding chair.

I've heard the old saying that time can stand still,
But this was the only time it's happened to me.
I was standing in that room with the misty rain outside
When time merged into eternity.

Peggy Carpenter Harwood

As for putting this into prose, I think prose would require more details, and the circumstances dictate that I can't use any more details. I guess I will go back to the second draft as Nina indicated because it may be more powerful. I will repost that probably re-post that tomorrow. I can't sit very long at the computer at one time right now because I pulled a ligament in my ankle, and sitting for too long makes it swell right much.

Again, thank you all for your help again!!

Peggy

[Maggie]

Hi again folks,

Now I have all the drafts in the first post if you care to compare.

Thanks for all your kind attention.

Peggy

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Peggy.

I've taken a stab at cutting out a few more words, and shifting a few lines around as suggeted earlier this week. As always, your poem is your own. I decided that a focus on rhythm would probably change this story/poem too much so ditched that idea.

I could envision these two meeting there at the SSO and the memories flooding back. Time always passes too quickly!

Enjoyed this one!
~Cleo

This is the suggested format I promised:

It was a momentous day!

At 11:45 a.m. April 8th, 2005
I stepped through the doorway
of the social security office
triumphant.
I had lived to start collecting.

There you were
sitting in front of me.
You hadn't changed at all
since I last saw you
over seven years ago.
"Are you...?" I began,
motioning toward the back office.
"Medicare," you interrupted,
seemingly startled.

We said nothing more.
I stood, looking back at you
realizing I'd lost my bearings-
adrift in a timeless place…
acutely aware, I absorbed
your long-sought-for presence.

From the corner of my eye,
I glimpsed the clerk approaching.
Would she break the spell?
I didn't dare turn or look.
Your eyes stayed fixed on mine,
and your smile-the broadest I've ever seen.

As I continued my gaze,
time began to return to me.
"Are you still teaching at the same school?"
"No," I answered. "I've retired."
After summing up the past seven years
in few words, I said, "I wasn't expecting-"
"Neither was I." you emphasized.

There was everything,
yet nothing else to say.
I turned and quietly walked away.

How do you remember it?

[Maggie]

Cleo,
Thanks so much! You cut and changed so much less than I feared! Ha! I do so like the improvements-especially moving up
"it was a momentous day" and cutting "out of the spell." I also like the lengthened lines you made from two lines a number of places. Again, thank you so much!

Peggy

[AMETHYST]

Hello Peggy,

It is nice to meet you and read your work. I've been absent a while from the internet and haven't had the pleasure till now. I really liked this; the way the narrators POV leaves the reader surmising the relationship between the two characters and how you've offered trigger points of information to fill in important detail without spelling it out for the reader. Nicely done.

I see you've posted your latest revision with "Final Draft" so I will not make further suggestions, but I did want to comment on the pros and cons of the poem.

The first was I liked the inner weaving of sounds through out the poem. I also liked the hestitant interruptions that say more than the words filled in would tell. I felt that in S2, L2 it would work best if you substituted sitting with standing. As the first stanza already sets the stage as the narrator is walking out of the SS office and meets with this person from her/his past. I did want a little more perception of the narrator and what she/he perceived of what has occured in the past seven years or more.

Other than that, this is a delight to read. A final note, the final stanza is powerful without that last line.

Best regards, Liz