|
|
|
Spring's Promise, Is this a poem or prose? |
|
|
|
Feb 29 08, 10:09
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 698
Joined: 29-May 06
From: US East Coast
Member No.: 185
Real Name: Peggy Harwood
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:just wandered in
|
Spring's Promise
January is a month of winter weather. Harsh winds have blown biting rain for weeks. Frigid air has invaded through the crack under the front door. A hot water bottle has warmed my feet at night.
Today is different. No dark rain clouds shut out the sun. It shines brilliantly, drying a sodden earth beneath, and cajoling birds to chirp. I throw open the windows so the warm breeze can enter. Yes, Spring has paid a visit, a welcome promise of better days to come.
Peggy
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Feb 29 08, 10:20
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 1,621
Joined: 18-August 05
From: Johannesburg, South Africa
Member No.: 127
Real Name: Beverleigh Gail Annegarn
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Jox
|
Hello Peggy~
It could be prose. If you go through it and delete superfluous words it can be more of a poem.
eg, Bev's edit: January, a month of winter weather. Harsh winds (for weeks) blew biting rain. Frigid air invaded through crack under door.
I think it is all a matter of opinion...and many have opinions!!!! hee hee.
I do like your content and idea, though. (I am from hot and humid, January in South Africa!)
PP
PS Ultimately, up to you. I find these days writing is a very controversial and personal issue. You are the writer and you are allowed to write exactly as you wish. You put your name on the poem, it is your work and you must be happy. Of course if you send it out to comment things re different. But, this is my opinion. Take care and good luck with the other comments. Bev
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
Guest_Xanadu_*
|
Mar 2 08, 12:58
|
Guest
|
Prose or poem?
This was a test I was put to at another forum. If you write your work out in paragraph form and it sounds like a paragraph you would expect to read in a work of fiction or non-fiction...it is prose. (???) So, I guess, you gotta break it up and get rid of the complete sentences. Or, so I am told. Still wrestling with this myself. TMO!!! Too many opinions on this matter to really come to any concrete conclusion.
|
|
|
|
|
Mar 3 08, 06:38
|
Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
|
Hi Peggy, It definitely reads like prose IMHO, as in having a normal conversation to another. I suggest taking a look at employing some poetic devices like rhythm/meter (how it sounds from word to word), perhaps some inner rhymes, assonance and alliteration. This cries out to me like a metaphor, so I would take a look at that device and try and use spring as a metaphor, personify it if you can as an example. I find that poetry most often times should take the reader to another place, and oftentimes, does not use every day language. There are some tips as sticky topics in the Karnak Crossing forum such as: The Rhyme Schemes of Poetry and Figurative Language, poetic devices and Intro to Symbolism. Why not have a read of those tiles and see if anything there helps? Be back soon! ~Cleo
······· ·······
"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
|
|
|
|
|
Mar 3 08, 06:39
|
Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
|
P.S. As I mentioned to Linda in her tile, Dead Letters, here are some tips I had offered to her that may come in handy for you as well...
A few pointers I'll toss out there is to use poetic devices to their fullest and try to find new ways to say something (that thesaurus comes in handy).
For example: Imagery: Two roads diverged in a yellow wood ~Frost Metaphors: She is the rose, the glory of the day. ~Spenser Similes: How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child. ~Shakespeare Alliteration: the Weeping willow whispered Assonance: Boo flew to a new pool.
Try and experiment with these devices along with rhyme, rhythm, tone and mood and see what happens.
······· ·······
"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
|
|
|
|
|
Mar 3 08, 19:35
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter
|
Hi Peggy. I skimmed through the other posts and have to agree this is prose like. The problem so much isn't that it is prose, because the best novels or stories I have read often have so many poetic techniques used by the author that by the books end, it becomes a part of my own memory. In my opionion between prose and poetry, a poem should be able to use a few shorter lines to capture what a paragraph might, yet become active and striking in image. It should be pleasing to hear - and I think that is the difference between prose and poetry. Your poem "Spring's Promise" is lovely. I do see many areas where creating a more active context and omitting extra words that would make the images more striking, as well as pleasing would eliminate the prose like verse. I do not want to rerwrite your poem. However, I will take a few lines here or there and do an example to show you what ways come to my mind that would direct you into that mode. Please use what is in line with what you want and discard anything else. Either way, I enjoyed the set up of a harsh winter and the peek in from spring... Nicely done. Best Regards, Liz .. QUOTE January is a month of winter weather. Using these two opening lines, here is my example - This January is whipping us with it's wintry weather; The adding of 'this' before January, gives the reader the impression that it has been colder, wetter and a harder winter than usual. (which then enhances the second stanza's introduction of Spring peeking in) ... I used the word 'whipping' in my example to add some movement and activity to the opening. The original 'January is a month of winter weather." To my ear, is a blunt statement that doesn't hook the reader right away. So, of course my words are merely an example, but there are thousands of ways for you to say this in a more active and striking way! QUOTE Harsh winds have blown biting rain for weeks. Suggest omitting 'for weeks' to me it is unnecessary. Perhaps consider furthering the 'image' of the biting rain ... against veiled faces, or maybe something that describes the feeling the ice like, biting rain feels against bare skin. Of course this is just some idea's to nibble on. QUOTE Frigid air has invaded through the crack under the front door. A hot water bottle has warmed my feet at night. To help add a little movement here ... you might consider 'invades' instead of invaded - I would really think the word 'seeping' here would also add a lot in way of sounds and movement but also opens up a bounce from seeping to 'peeking in' (See suggestion in S2 final lines) I would suggest omitting 'front' because to the reader it doesn't matter what door, it would be a good way of keeping the focus on the chilled air coming in. This is also a good place to add a deeper image of the narrator snuggled and warmed by a hot water bottle for her feet. An example: Frigid air invades, seeping through a crack beneathe my door; while I snuggle in a downy womb and warmed by a hot-bottle against my feet. Of course, I am not suggesting this should be your revision - I am just offering ideas for your consideration. QUOTE Today is different. No dark rain clouds shut out the sun. It shines brilliantly, drying a sodden earth beneath, and cajoling birds to chirp. I like the contrast between your part 1 and part II - Perhaps 'today turned different;' I would suggest omitting 'beneath' in L5. A wonderful array of sounds here and many nicely done alliterative gifts left about. :) QUOTE I throw open the windows so the warm breeze can enter. Yes, Spring has paid a visit, a welcome promise of better days to come. I love what's going on here ... immediately I feel the warmth and hopefulness in the narrators voice. I would love to see the word 'peeking in' instead of 'has paid a visit' ... example: I thrust open the windows inviting in a warm breeze, Yes, Spring came peeking in, a quick visit like a welcome promise of better days to come. Well I hope I have left something of worth. Either way, I did enjoy the growth in this poem from a harsh winter to signs of a promising spring at it's feet. Great subject!!!!
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Mar 4 08, 00:51
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 698
Joined: 29-May 06
From: US East Coast
Member No.: 185
Real Name: Peggy Harwood
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:just wandered in
|
Hi Cleo,
Thanks so much for your opinion and for your helpful suggestions!!!
Peggy
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Mar 4 08, 00:54
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 698
Joined: 29-May 06
From: US East Coast
Member No.: 185
Real Name: Peggy Harwood
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:just wandered in
|
Hi Peterpan and Xanadu,
Thanks for your opinions and suggestions! I thought I already thanked you both, but my post must not have registered correctly with the system!
Peggy
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Mar 4 08, 00:58
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 698
Joined: 29-May 06
From: US East Coast
Member No.: 185
Real Name: Peggy Harwood
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:just wandered in
|
Hi Amethyst,
Thanks so much for taking the time to help me soften up and edit my poem! The suggestions are very helpful!!!
Peggy
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Mar 4 08, 06:49
|
Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
|
Another idea to start is to try something like this for the opening (in blue): January is a month of winter weather. Harsh winds have blown biting rain for weeks. January blows in, whipping whirlwind tears around door-stoop's daunted crevices.Be back again! ~Cleo
······· ·······
"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
|
|
|
|
|
Mar 5 08, 18:47
|
Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 8,875
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
|
Dear Peggy,
I've read other's competent critiques and agree with the possible changes. Of course, as Liz and Cleo say, it's your poem and you can work the revisions based on their examples, which should be highly useful for you. I always benefit from them!
I love 'cajoling birds to chirp'!
Your poem is lovely and I think all has been said, except one little suggestion I'll make now. Perhaps you could pick some different qualifiers here and there, since quite a few of the ones you've used are a bit clichè. That doesn't mean picking complicated vocabulary, but just considering substitutes. What do you think? Take or toss, as always!
I mean like 'biting winds', 'harsh winter', that sort of thing. Also the title, Spring's Promise. It's been used a lot, tho' I don't mean to disqualify it. I've thought of 'token', 'herald', 'presage', 'augury', dunno.....
It's getting near my bedtime in Buenos Aires, and it's a summer night! Hugs and thanks for sharing, Syl ***
······· ·······
Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
|
|
|
|
Guest_Xanadu_*
|
Mar 17 08, 12:18
|
Guest
|
Hi Peggy!
Spring is a difficult theme to tangle with any originality, for anyone! You are doing a lovely job. However, I do agree that paring it down and spotlighting a succcinct image here and there would better capture the mood of the season.
Just my opinion. Good work!
|
|
|
|
|
Mar 17 08, 13:23
|
Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 8,875
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
|
No, no! I didn't write this lovely Spring poem. Peggy did, you've got a mix-up, Lindi dear! Hugs, Sylvia-Psyche ***
······· ·······
Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
|
|
|
|
Guest_Xanadu_*
|
Mar 17 08, 17:00
|
Guest
|
OOps! dARN PAIN KILLERS!
|
|
|
|
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:
|
|
Read our FLYERS - click below
Reference links provided to aid in fine-tuning
your writings. ENJOY!
|
|
|
|