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> Senryu, Japanese form: 5-7-5 or less
Cybele
post Oct 19 04, 04:04
Post #21


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My pleasure Daniel, LOL.gif

I had four sons and know the consequences of switches, (well in their case it was a slipper from their house master! ) oops.gif



distraction;
on my window pane
a fly cloud-hops



Happy Tuesday!

Love

Grace
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JustDaniel
post Oct 19 04, 05:03
Post #22


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delightful image here, Grace...

Note, however that your last line perhaps needs a hyphen, since it's not the fly-cloud that hops, but the fly that cloud-hops, I assume?

... and I think that distracted needs a semicolon rather than a comma?

contraction...
iamble far to often
I suppose
 
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deLightingly, Daniel  sun.gif


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Cybele
post Oct 19 04, 05:35
Post #23


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Good to see you up and about Daniel, sun.gif

I have been up for 5 hours now, soon be time for lunch!

Right on Maestro!

All your assumptions are correct and I will toddle off and correct them now. Don't want a detention ~ I'm getting peckish! LOL.gif


QUOTE
contraction...
iamble far to often
I suppose  


Well, there's no answer to that my friend rofl.gif

Back after a snack.

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Grace
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JustDaniel
post Oct 19 04, 05:45
Post #24


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de tension...
when your behind must stay put
for attention


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Cybele
post Oct 21 04, 03:49
Post #25


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QUOTE
de tension...
when your behind must stay put
for attention



LOL.gif Priceless Daniel!



moonshine;
I follow turtle tracks  
across deserted beach



Love Grace
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JustDaniel
post Oct 21 04, 07:42
Post #26


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Thanks, Grace... you know I couldn't resist that one... any more than I could resist this to your neat little heads-up package:

moonshine:
cop losing turbo's tracks
on rocks deserting beach


deLightfully, Daniel  :sun:


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Cybele
post Oct 22 04, 05:09
Post #27


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Okay my fiend, (no, not a typo! )  Jester.gif



moonshine:
cop losing turbo's tracks
on rocks deserting beach




You play the comic, I'll play the straight guy/gal. LOL.gif



bleak winter's night:
in the sleeping hamlet  
a dog howls



I can almost see your reply to this one Daniel!!  Jester.gif

Love

Grace

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JustDaniel
post Oct 22 04, 06:28
Post #28


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umm... uhhhh...  I bet you weren't expecting this, no matter how straight you keep your face:

frigid mourn in Nam;
taste a slippery omelet
called a cat's meow

in a frigid Light, Daniel sun.gif

Perhaps this, however may be more tasteful?

tender silvered blades
genuflect to usurper;
Jack Frost spreads his robe

still frigid, but perhaps in a better Light, Daniel  :sun:


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Cybele
post Oct 22 04, 06:52
Post #29


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Hi Daniel  :sun:

QUOTE
frigid mourn in Nam;
taste a slippery omelet
called a cat's meow



Sorry Daniel, I only understand the first line of this but suspect the rest is rather unpleasant? Alluding to poor food supplies?

QUOTE
tender silvered blades
genuflect to usurper;
Jack Frost spreads his robe


This is so beautiful Daniel.

loosed by Winter’s bow
skein of Canada Geese heading south;
feathered arrows


Love

Grace
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Grace


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Eisa
post Oct 22 04, 07:24
Post #30


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Hi daniel and Cybele

I have just noticed this senyru thread and thought I'd join in, as I have written a few which I think are senryu.

This is one I think Daniel has read before


tears can bathe the soul;
cleansing rivulets will heal,
life’s dirt washed away.

deep scars may remain
where festering sores have burst;
time will overcome.


Hope I've done it right! oops.gif


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Cybele
post Oct 22 04, 11:19
Post #31


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Yipee,   dance.gif  :dance:  Snow's come out to play, cloud9.gif

Lovely to see you here Eisa.

QUOTE
tears can bathe the soul;
cleansing rivulets will heal,
life’s dirt washed away.



deep scars may remain
where festering sores have burst;
time will overcome.


You know that both pieces have touched my heart Eisa, beautiful!

Love Grace

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JustDaniel
post Oct 24 04, 22:23
Post #32


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wounds may disappear
with tender love’s oversight;
healing takes its time


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Cybele
post Oct 25 04, 00:16
Post #33


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[b]Good morning Daniel, wave.gif

QUOTE
wounds may disappear
with tender love’s oversight;
healing takes its time



Thank you for the lovely thought. First thing I saw this morning.

blind beggar;
stick tapping on stones
worn by its touch


Love

Grace
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Grace


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JustDaniel
post Oct 25 04, 02:18
Post #34


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Thank you, my friend!   wave.gif

QUOTE
blind beggar;
stick  tapping on stones
worn remember his touch

... and I feel this piece painfully clearly, but try as I might, I cannot see the meaning of the last line...tap, tap, tap ???

Fine Lady, he yields,
me worn old rememberer
feels numbed by your lines
Lightly, Daniel  sun.gif


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Cybele
post Oct 25 04, 03:39
Post #35


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Sorry Daniel,  blush21.gif

I woke at 4.30am and couldn't get back to sleep. This was a very early posting and I put in the wrong words from my workpad.

I have now changed it. Hope it reads better?  Read.gif  Speechless.gif


rosy-cheeked dawn;
in the summer house,
breakfast with Bizet


Love

Grace
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Grace


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Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.


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JustDaniel
post Oct 25 04, 06:31
Post #36


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I KNEW there must have been something amiss, Grace.  Thank you for substantiating further my confidence in your clarity!  

Now you can share with me the nuance of specifying one Bizet?  I'm sure that's special in some way.  K?

Here's my impressionistic follow-up:

dazed by trazodone,
grey cheeks mirror cold window;
breakfast with Eileen


Lightly unshaven, Daniel  sun.gif


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Cybele
post Oct 25 04, 07:40
Post #37


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Hello Daniel, sun.gif



dazed by trazodone,
grey cheeks mirror cold window;
breakfast with Eileen


This is oh, so poignant Daniel. Is it based on truth? It speaks to me of a very tender love for Eileen. Hauntingly beautiful. cloud9.gif

Now to Georges Bizet. I love opera Daniel and I have a CD of Bizet's 'Carmen' with my favourite singer Placido Domindo singing the lead role of Don Jose.  My sons built me a summer house in my minuscule back garden and on sunny mornings I love to sit in the  sunshine drinking coffee and listening to that glorious voice. The summerhouse faces due East so I am bathed in sunshine from about 6am onwards. It is my haven of peace.



Singapore monsoon;
barefoot in the garden
I wash my hair




Love

Grace
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Grace


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Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.


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JustDaniel
post Oct 25 04, 08:14
Post #38


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Thank you so much, Grace.  Yes, it was the very moment as I was writing, just before moving into the kitchen to actually see my unshaven face in the window while eating a cheese omelet with wheat toast and apricot preserves, while Eileen had her raisin bran. We had apple juice... and I generally don't drink coffee at home, but am in charge of the coffee pot at work.

Your 'summer house' sounds enchanting. Might I assume that it is not what we'd call a 'house'?  Whatever it is, it sounds downright enchanting!

... and your Sing-a-pour piece is even more enchanting.  I think you've almost slipped quite wonderfully into haiku... as I believe you did a few senryu back.  Whether you did or not, it's a beautiful piece of poetry... and the form is identical!

donning Army greys
he stares down a brisk fall wind;
window keeps him warm


sLightly snug, Daniel  sun.gif


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Cybele
post Oct 26 04, 12:40
Post #39


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Hello Daniel,


QUOTE
donning Army greys
he stares down a brisk fall wind;
window keeps him warm


I am intrigued by this piece Daniel. I see this as someone getting into uniform and staring out of the window before venturing into the cold day ?

Do I assume you are in what we call over here the Territorial Army (or Army Reserve i.e a week-end soldier?)


African village:
child carries the moon home
in a  rusty bucket


Love

Grace
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Grace


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Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.


Nominate a tile for the Crown Jewels and Faery Awards today! For details, go to the Valley of the Kings!



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JustDaniel
post Oct 26 04, 14:26
Post #40


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<font color='#000000'>Thank you for the response, Grace.  I'm glad that the piece engenders that picture as well as the one that I intended... only slightly different.

The Army greys are the workout or PT (Pysical Training) uniform.  I find it quite comfortable to wear about the house, so I had donned the long-sleeve set and was portraying myself as though I was literally staring down the wind ready to head into it on a run... but actually staring at it through the warmth of a window... kind of as in your summer house... and going nowhere.

Here in the US there is the Regular or Active Army, the Army Reserve, and the Army National Guard.  The latter, though part of the "One Army" system is also capable of being activated by each state at the will of the governor for State Active Duty... which often happens during disasters, floods, etc.  

Over 3000 from our NJ Army National Guard, however, are presently serving on Active Duty in places like Iraq, Eastern Europe, Afghanistan and the Sinai, plus here guarding bases and such in the U.S.  I am the only NJ Army Guard chaplain stateside from NJ at present besides one who serves on "Title 10" Active duty at Ft. Dix nearby.  The others are with their troops overseas or training to go there.  We're a bit stretched, honestly.

I've not been eligible to do PT for the past two years, but I was medically cleared to resume it a few months ago... which also makes me eligible to be deployed, the medical officer reminded me!

QUOTE
African village:
child carries the moon home
in a  rusty bucket
Your excellent piece (somehow) brought this image to my twisted mind:

alcoholic home;
dad trips over son’s toy pail,
then kicks the bucket


Light hugz, Daniel  sun.gif</font>


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