I'll Be Watching You, from Pandora's Challenge Options

[Guest_Nina_*]

Notes:  When I first read this challenge and saw the title Human Zoo the song by Police - Every Breath You Take came into my head, particularly the lines:

Every move you make
Every step you take
I'll be watching you

here is a link to the whole song

http://www.links2love.com/love_lyrics_63.htm

The poem was written around those three lines.

I’ll be Watching You (revised)

Invisible, glass cages
surround us;
electronic eyes observe;
computerised spies
scrutinise lifestyles:
concealed,
subliminal;
every move monitored;
every step recorded.

Someone is watching you.

Big Brother,
I’m a celebrity
X Factor:
surge to sell dignity
in pursuit of attention’s high.

Camera voyeurism dominates;
window to insanity’s zoo;
surveil each other -
trust in no-one;
help only yourself.

Egocentric freefall into anarchy.


---------------------------------------


I’ll be Watching You (Original

Invisible glass cages
surround our lives;
camera eyes observe activity;
computerised spies
scrutinise lifestyles:
unseen,
un-noticed;
every move monitored;
every step recorded;
someone is watching you.

Big Brother,
I’m a celebrity
X Factor:
surge to sell dignity
in pursuit of attention’s high.

Television voyeurism dominates;
window to insanity’s zoo;
surveil each other -
trust in no-one;
help only yourself

Egocentric freefall into anarchy.

© Nina  2005


Nina

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Nina

Fabulous song to base this on. I seem to recall one of the UK's satire shows (note, James - UK) did an immensely powerful version based on world leaders (was it "Spitting Image?") and holding them to account.

I very much like your updated take on the theme - very apt indeed.

I’ll be Watching You

Invisible glass cages
surround our lives;
camera eyes observe activity;  --- in stores, car parks and on the street
computerised spies   ---- all those cookies and records (scary)
scrutinise lifestyles:
unseen,
un-noticed;  --- yup, we don't know what they are recording
every move monitored;
every step recorded;
someone is watching you.  --- scary but true

Big Brother,
I’m a celebrity
X Factor:
surge to sell dignity
in pursuit of attention’s high.  

Television voyeurism dominates;
window to insanity’s zoo;  
surveil each other -
trust in no-one;
help only yourself  --- horribly true

Egocentric freefall into anarchy.

The first stanza is immensely powerful. The second and third are very good but (and this may just be me) I wonder if they remove a bit of the first stanza impact because they somewhat change the subject? Yes, they are still about surveilance, but about willing - indeed eager - participation in voyarism. (I am being really picky cos I think this is SO good to start with! ) S3 comes back to Orwell's Big Brother almost (surveil each other). A writing friend of mine works at Cheltenham (UK surveilance centre) and I joke if I mention Al Qaida or the IRA on line  I have to say hi to him in passing - it may get automatically picked up by their electronic agents.

Very thought provoking indeed - thanks, Nina

Fran

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Fran

>F>Fabulous song to base this on. I seem to recall one of the UK's satire shows (note, James - UK) did an immensely powerful version based on world leaders (was it "Spitting Image?") and holding them to account.

I can't remember the sketch with this song but it probably was Spitting Image (a brilliant satire show).  At the end they always took a song and changed the words so cleverly.

>F>I very much like your updated take on the theme - very apt indeed.




Invisible glass cages
surround our lives;
camera eyes observe activity;  --- in stores, car parks and on the street
indeed, all those hidden cameras we don't notice, recording our every move

computerised spies   ---- all those cookies and records (scary)
scrutinise lifestyles:
yes and the loyalty cards which are used to record what your shopping habits are (despite that I still have tesco and sainsburys loyalty cards)

unseen,
un-noticed;  --- yup, we don't know what they are recording
every move monitored;
every step recorded;
someone is watching you.  --- scary but true

Our privacy is slowly but surely being eroded.

>F>he first stanza is immensely powerful. The second and third are very good but (and this may just be me) I wonder if they remove a bit of the first stanza impact because they somewhat change the subject? Yes, they are still about surveilance, but about willing - indeed eager - participation in voyarism. (I am being really picky cos I think this is SO good to start with! ) S3 comes back to Orwell's Big Brother almost (surveil each other).

You may have a point here, however I'll try to explain my (not always logical) thought processes.

The first verse shows how we are being watched on unseen tv and computer screens and we have little or no control over it.  We don't want to be on those screens

The second verse looks at what people will do to get their faces on the tv screens, craving to be watched.  Reality tv has taken over the airwaves, in pursuit of fame these people willingly lose their privacy.  What is the consequence of this intense scrutiny for Society in general? Where does tv go from here as we become more and more desensitised?

The third brings the two together.  We are being watched and we in turn are watching others.  Everyone is watching everyone else, encouraging egocentricity and paranoia.  We are slowly but surely sliding down a deep dark hole.

Thanks for reading and commenting

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina.

Fran - Glad to see you've mended your ways (as I said to a spider with a previously broken web, just last week)

Nina - the Police. Many people think those songs romantic - Roxanne - watching you, but they are about control as you identify. A real sting in the tail.

So, Hello, Hello, Hello, wot 'av wee here?

I’ll be Watching You

Invisible glass cages (Invisible / glass = tautology)
surround {our lives} [us];
{camera eyes observe activity}; [electronic eyes observe:]
computerised spies
scrutinise lifestyles: [lifestyles scrutinised]
unseen,
un-noticed; (tautology - unseen / unnoticed)
every move monitored;
every step recorded;
someone is watching you.

(I think the above verse is less tight and carefully constructed than is the norm for you - unless I'm being especially picky this morning - sorry!)

Suggestion:

Transparent cages
surround us.
Electronic eyes observe -
computerised spies:
lifestyles scrutinised.
Unknown, our
every move monitored;
every step recorded.

Someone's watching you

(lots of good -ize sounds there - Queen use that hissing, too ("Death on Two Legs" from "Night At The Opera" album. Good technique - well done).

==============

Big Brother,
I’m a celebrity
X Factor:
surge to sell dignity (wonderfully ironic!)
in pursuit of attention’s high.

{Television}[Camera] voyeurism dominates;
window to insanity’s zoo;
surveil each other -
trust in no-one;
help only yourself[.]

Egocentric freefall into anarchy[.] (An amazing line!)

Well done, Nina. Save the first verse - which is full of excellent ideas and phrases but I think needs reconstructing a little - this is brought together really well.

I enjoyed it, thanks.

J.

PS Just glanced at Fran's comments. Good luck at reconciling our views. But she's reight - the first is powerful; I simply felt its structure needs re-jiogging. Anyway, over to you - your poem! Well done. J.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi J

>J>Nina - the Police. Many people think those songs romantic - Roxanne - watching you, but they are about control as you identify. A real sting in the tail.

Indeed, when you read the lyrics it is about control and that he is stalking her


>J>So, Hello, Hello, Hello, wot 'av wee here?

LOL

I’ll be Watching You

Invisible glass cages (Invisible / glass = tautology)
surround {our lives} [us];

I'm not convinced that invisible/glass are tautological.  I was trying to say we live in a "goldfish bowl" but we can't see it, hence the cage but made of glass not metal mesh which the image I immediately get when thinking of a cage.

{camera eyes observe activity}; [electronic eyes observe:]
computerised spies
scrutinise lifestyles: [lifestyles scrutinised]
will ponder this one.


unseen,
un-noticed; (tautology - unseen / unnoticed)

ok I agre that see and notice are tautological perhaps concealed, un-noticed would work better.

>J>(I think the above verse is less tight and carefully constructed than is the norm for you - unless I'm being especially picky this morning - sorry!)

perhaps

suggestion:

Transparent cages
surround us.
Electronic eyes observe -
computerised spies:
lifestyles scrutinised.
Unknown, our
every move monitored;
every step recorded.

Someone's watching you

thanks for the suggestion, I'll use parts of it in my revision.

>J>(lots of good -ize sounds there - Queen use that hissing, too ("Death on Two Legs" from "Night At The Opera" album. Good technique - well done).

thanks
==============

Big Brother,
I’m a celebrity
X Factor:
surge to sell dignity (wonderfully ironic!) thanks
in pursuit of attention’s high.

{Television}[Camera] voyeurism dominates;
window to insanity’s zoo;
surveil each other -
trust in no-one;
help only yourself[.]

Egocentric freefall into anarchy[.] (An amazing line!)  gosh thank you :)

>J>Well done, Nina. Save the first verse - which is full of excellent ideas and phrases but I think needs reconstructing a little - this is brought together really well.

ok will do some work on that first verse.

Thanks for your suggestions and comments on this

Nina

[Guest_Nina_*]

I have made a few revisions.  I hope they improve the poem.

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Well done, Nina - you're working very well these days; I can't keep up!

Looks good.

J.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi J

>J>Well done, Nina - you're working very well these days;

Thank you  :grinning:


>J>I can't keep up!

LOL, mind you I think I'm slowing down now.  I need the challenges for inspiration.


Nina

[Aphrodite]

Hello Nina~

I enjoyed your poem and the strong alliteration adds so much!

I remember in the 80's when MTV first hit the airwaves we had it on all day long, and Police's video with Sting singing in black and white was awesome!

Your poem is a great tribute with some striking phraseology.

Camera voyeurism dominates;
window to insanity’s zoo;
surveil each other -
trust in no-one;
help only yourself.

The revision is super too!

Take care~
Lindi

[Guest_Nina_*]

Thanks Lindi

When I first looked at the title of Pandora's challenge - Human Zoo.  The song flashed in my mind and seemed so fitting to the subject.

I'm pleased it worked and that you enjoyed the read.  

I had some excellent help with the revision.

Thanks for commenting

Nina

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Nina.

Wow!  :sun: What a fab poem to describe our descent into the 'eye spy' world!  :pharoah2

Invisible, glass cages
surround us;

What a great metaphor! The Human Zoo unveiled.  :cloud9:

in pursuit of attention’s high.  -and the profits too the networks make from the reality shows (which I confess to watching some).

Camera voyeurism dominates;
window to insanity’s zoo; (No punctuation needed)
surveil each other  I'm sorry, I've never heard of this word? Is it an abbreviation on surveillance?

Excellent Nina!
~Cleo

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Lori

>L>Wow!   What a fab poem to describe our descent into the 'eye spy' world!

thank you  

Invisible, glass cages
surround us;

>L>What a great metaphor! The Human Zoo unveiled

precisely

>L>in pursuit of attention’s high.  -and the profits too the networks make from the reality shows (which I confess to watching some).

yes, the networks and people like Simon Cowell are the ones laughing all the way to the bank.  I have to confess to watching some reality shows as well.  It baffles me why people chose to humiliate themselves on national TV in pursuit of fame.

surveil is a verb which means to keep under surveillance.

Thanks again for popping in here and commenting

Nina