Hi John,
The title drew me right in. It has a sense drama in the tone, and seemed to me, to stir my imagination. "My Father's House' has some many levels of emotion that the narrator could work off of... I read Lori's suggestion, especially for S1. Wonderful edge to add punch to the opening to help lure the reader onward.
I have some other thoughts to smooth down the lines a bit, otherwise I felt the tug between emotions and the draw of life unfolding..
Please use what helps and discard the rest...
Big Hugs, Liz
QUOTE
MY FATHER’S HOUSE
The darkest evening of the year…
my trip home to William Place,
no longer a safe, nurturing haven
sheltered by Mom’s embrace.
I like the contrast between the past and present and facing shadows... I felt the immediate notation of 'Mom's embrace' being gone shows how much the years brought the narrator to an uneasy time in life... and perhaps the narrator is wishing on the security of being a child and having mom there to protect him/her...
L2 is the only point I would like to make suggestions. I keep wanting to say, revisiting, returning home ... something of that nature...
QUOTE
A family Christmas summons me
but warm memories fast asleep,
an emptiness pervades this house;
death’s halo is why I sadly weep.
Perhaps "Our family Christmas summons me" to enhance the sense of tradition and gathering, of what the narrator remembers, which then becomes a stronger punch when L2, reveals that the memories are not at the fore... In L4, perhaps ... death's halo draws my saddened weep.
QUOTE
A legend to siblings and friends,
I was one who had first escaped
to chase heady, tempting dreams
passionate fantasies had shaped.
I like Lori's suggestion Marvel for L1 - I like the context of marvel ...
L2, perhaps I was the one who first escaped
and for L3, perhaps to chase my heady, tempting dreams
L4, perhaps that passionate fantasy once shaped.
QUOTE
Life’s lessons always combustible,
expounded in squalling decibels;
my father’s combative resonance
elicited a cacophony that still dwells.
I would suggest in L1 replacing 'always' with 'are'
L2, very strong, I like the sound effects that blend
and the image it offers.
QUOTE
Dinnertime verbal jolting jousts,
a bare-knuckled croquet match,
we knocked heads instead of balls,
memories I still can’t dispatch.
Perhaps in L1, switching verbal with jolting might enhance the meaning...
"Dinnertime jolting verbal jousts
QUOTE
I’d escape to a quiet beach
to ponder cluttered emotions
as echoes of pounding waves
dispersed withering notions.
This reads smooth and unintrusive. I liked the follow through of weeving the escapes from the reasons for escape... the cluttered emotions, nicely done!
QUOTE
Sheer gravity couldn’t move me
to see his hardened positions,
even wind-blown sand dunes
offered disconcerting apparitions.
QUOTE
Today’s local weather report
is gloomy, solemn, and gray,
I’m bereft, lost in a malaise;
Dad has sadly passed away.
I think this stanza reads off best, perhaps substituting sadly in L4 with suddenly - as the sadness in the event is expressed through out, and heightened with L2/3 -
QUOTE
I’ve my share of dulcet memories
to drown these solemn stings,
I am the last coyote, hungering,
for the love his legacy brings.
Excellent ending stanza!!!
Hugs, Liz ...