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Being a Woman of Middle Years..Revision Two, FV Poem |
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May 20 07, 11:02
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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 544
Joined: 3-May 07
From: Central Florida
Member No.: 427
Real Name: Judith Labriola
Writer of: Poetry
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Revision 2 Being a woman of middle years, I do not bend quickly in the breeze. I carry myself with discretion, borne of my existing years.Being a woman of middle years has taught me much; The value of a smile, to love my children, to smile with my grandchildren. and revel in their love, sigh at their distress, their tears are my tears. Being a woman of middle years, I have learned to love protectively, to hate selectively, To fight for what is right, to hesitate, when I am not sure. I have found that truth can balance precariously on tightropes stretched over chasms of right and wrong. Being a woman of middle years, I have mellowed to sweetness, that which was once bitter, I now love passionately, with what was once timid, and I've become a woman willing to gamble on tomorrow, with a soul filled with hope. Being a woman of middle years, I value today, for tomorrow might not come. [/center]
Original Version
Being a woman of middle years, I do not bend quickly with the breeze. I carry myself with discretion, borne of the years of my existence.
Being a woman of middle years has taught me much; The value of a smile, to love my children, to smile with my grandchildren. I revel in their love, sigh at their distress, their tears are my tears.
Being a woman of middle years, I have learned to love fiercely, to hate selectively, To fight for what is right, to hesitate, when I am not sure. I have found that truth can balance precariously on tightropes stretched over chasms of right and wrong.
Being a woman of middle years, I have mellowed to sweetness, that which was once bitter, now love passionately, with what was once timid, and I've become a woman willing to gamble on tomorrow, with a soul filled with hope.
Being a woman of middle years, I value today, for tomorrow might not come.[center][/center
Revision 1
Being a woman of middle years, I do not bend quickly with the breeze. I carry myself with discretion, borne of the years of my existence.
Being a woman of middle years has taught me much; The value of a smile, to love my children, to smile with my grandchildren. I revel in their love, sigh at their distress, their tears are my tears.
Being a woman of middle years, I have learned to love fiercely, to hate selectively, To fight for what is right, to hesitate, when I am not sure. I have found that truth can balance precariously on tightropes stretched over chasms of right and wrong.
Being a woman of middle years, I have mellowed to sweetness, that which was once bitter, I now love passionately, with what was once timid, and I've become a woman willing to gamble on tomorrow, with a soul filled with hope.
Being a woman of middle years, I value today, for tomorrow might not come.[center] Original Version Being a woman of middle years, I do not bend quickly with the breeze. I carry myself with discretion, borne of the years of my existence. Being a woman of middle years has taught me much; The value of a smile, to love my children, to smile with my grandchildren. I revel in their love, sigh at their distress, their tears are my tears. Being a woman of middle years, I have learned to love fiercely, to hate selectively, To fight for what is right, to hesitate, when I am not sure. I have found that truth can balance precariously on tightropes stretched over chasms of right and wrong. Being a woman of middle years, I have mellowed to sweetness, that which was once bitter, now love passionately, with what was once timid, and I've become a woman willing to gamble on tomorrow, with a soul filled with hope. Being a woman of middle years, I value today, for tomorrow might not come.[center][/center]
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May 20 07, 19:12
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 331
Joined: 7-March 07
From: Oz
Member No.: 408
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:IBPC participant list
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QUOTE (Judi @ May 21 07, 02:02 ) [snapback]96324[/snapback] Being a woman of middle years, I do not bend quickly with the breeze. I carry myself with discretion, borne of the years of my existence.
Being a woman of middle years has taught me much; The value of a smile, to love my children, to smile with my grandchildren. I revel in their love, sigh at their distress, their tears are my tears.
Being a woman of middle years, I have learned to love fiercely, to hate selectively, To fight for what is right, to hesitate, when I am not sure. I have found that truth can balance precariously on tightropes stretched over chasms of right and wrong.
Being a woman of middle years, I have mellowed to sweetness, that which was once bitter, now love(s) passionately, There seems to be a line missing here. with what was once timid, and have become a woman willing to gamble on tomorrow, with a soul filled with hope.
Being a woman of middle years, I value today, for tomorrow might not come.[center][/center] This is quite wonderful. If only we could impart wisdom... Regards, Jax
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May 20 07, 19:28
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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 544
Joined: 3-May 07
From: Central Florida
Member No.: 427
Real Name: Judith Labriola
Writer of: Poetry
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QUOTE (JaxMyth @ May 20 07, 20:12 ) [snapback]96367[/snapback] QUOTE (Judi @ May 21 07, 02:02 ) [snapback]96324[/snapback] Being a woman of middle years, I do not bend quickly with the breeze. I carry myself with discretion, borne of the years of my existence.
Being a woman of middle years has taught me much; The value of a smile, to love my children, to smile with my grandchildren. I revel in their love, sigh at their distress, their tears are my tears.
Being a woman of middle years, I have learned to love fiercely, to hate selectively, To fight for what is right, to hesitate, when I am not sure. I have found that truth can balance precariously on tightropes stretched over chasms of right and wrong.
Being a woman of middle years, I have mellowed to sweetness, that which was once bitter, now love(s) passionately, There seems to be a line missing here. with what was once timid, and have become a woman willing to gamble on tomorrow, with a soul filled with hope.
Being a woman of middle years, I value today, for tomorrow might not come.[center][/center] This is quite wonderful. If only we could impart wisdom... Regards, Jax Thanks so much Jax... Hmmmmmmmmm Now loves passionately with that which was once timid Do you think I need to change it? I didn't leave anything out, but if you think I should change it, that is a different matter...You won't hurt my feelings. Judi
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May 20 07, 20:10
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 331
Joined: 7-March 07
From: Oz
Member No.: 408
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:IBPC participant list
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QUOTE (Judi @ May 21 07, 10:28 ) [snapback]96368[/snapback] QUOTE (JaxMyth @ May 20 07, 20:12 ) [snapback]96367[/snapback] QUOTE (Judi @ May 21 07, 02:02 ) [snapback]96324[/snapback] Being a woman of middle years, I do not bend quickly with the breeze. I carry myself with discretion, borne of the years of my existence.
Being a woman of middle years has taught me much; The value of a smile, to love my children, to smile with my grandchildren. I revel in their love, sigh at their distress, their tears are my tears.
Being a woman of middle years, I have learned to love fiercely, to hate selectively, To fight for what is right, to hesitate, when I am not sure. I have found that truth can balance precariously on tightropes stretched over chasms of right and wrong.
Being a woman of middle years, I have mellowed to sweetness, that which was once bitter, now love(s) passionately, There seems to be a line missing here. with what was once timid, and have become a woman willing to gamble on tomorrow, with a soul filled with hope.
Being a woman of middle years, I value today, for tomorrow might not come.[center][/center] This is quite wonderful. If only we could impart wisdom... Regards, Jax Thanks so much Jax... Hmmmmmmmmm Now loves passionately with that which was once timid Do you think I need to change it? I didn't leave anything out, but if you think I should change it, that is a different matter...You won't hurt my feelings. Judi My misreading Judi, perhaps this will be clearer: Being a woman of middle years, I have mellowed to sweetness, that which was once bitter .Now I love passionately, with what was once timid . I have become a woman willing to gamble on tomorrow, with a soul filled with hope. Regards, Jax
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May 21 07, 16:51
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Hi Judi I love your ideas behind this -- a little age certainly gives a different outlook on life doesn't it. I have a few thoughts for you to consider ~ Being a woman of middle years, I do not bend quickly with the breeze. I carry myself with discretion, borne of the years of my existence. L2 -- as you have ‘with’ in L3 perhaps ‘in the breeze’ L4 – you perhaps to get rid of the 2nd ‘of’ ‘of my existing years’ Being a woman of middle years has taught me much; The value of a smile, to love my children, to smile with my grandchildren. I revel in their love, sigh at their distress, their tears are my tears. L3 – no need for capital after a ; I feel you could show more rather than tell in parts here – show how you revel in their love, what emotions do you feel when you sigh at their distress? Being a woman of middle years, I have learned to love fiercely, to hate selectively, To fight for what is right, to hesitate, when I am not sure. I have found that truth can balance precariously on tightropes stretched over chasms of right and wrong. I can really appreciate this st. Love fiercely is perhaps a little cliché. I love the metaphor at the end of this st.Being a woman of middle years, I have mellowed to sweetness, that which was once bitter, I now love passionately, with what was once timid, and I've become a woman willing to gamble on tomorrow, with a soul filled with hope. Being a woman of middle years, I value today, for tomorrow might not come. I really like the message at the end. Perhaps 'for tomorrow might not come for me' ~ as tomorrow will come, just not for some.I really enjoyed this one -- I hope something I've said might be of use. Snow
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May 21 07, 18:27
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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 544
Joined: 3-May 07
From: Central Florida
Member No.: 427
Real Name: Judith Labriola
Writer of: Poetry
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QUOTE (Eisa @ May 21 07, 17:51 ) [snapback]96398[/snapback] Hi Judi I love your ideas behind this -- a little age certainly gives a different outlook on life doesn't it. I have a few thoughts for you to consider ~ Being a woman of middle years, I do not bend quickly with the breeze. I carry myself with discretion, borne of the years of my existence. L2 -- as you have ‘with’ in L3 perhaps ‘in the breeze’ L4 – you perhaps to get rid of the 2nd ‘of’ ‘of my existing years’ Being a woman of middle years has taught me much; The value of a smile, to love my children, to smile with my grandchildren. I revel in their love, sigh at their distress, their tears are my tears. L3 – no need for capital after a ; I feel you could show more rather than tell in parts here – show how you revel in their love, what emotions do you feel when you sigh at their distress? Being a woman of middle years, I have learned to love fiercely, to hate selectively, To fight for what is right, to hesitate, when I am not sure. I have found that truth can balance precariously on tightropes stretched over chasms of right and wrong. I can really appreciate this st. Love fiercely is perhaps a little cliché. I love the metaphor at the end of this st.Being a woman of middle years, I have mellowed to sweetness, that which was once bitter, I now love passionately, with what was once timid, and I've become a woman willing to gamble on tomorrow, with a soul filled with hope. Being a woman of middle years, I value today, for tomorrow might not come. I really like the message at the end. Perhaps 'for tomorrow might not come for me' ~ as tomorrow will come, just not for some.I really enjoyed this one -- I hope something I've said might be of use. Snow Thanks so much, Snow.. I have used all your suggestionsa and appreciate them so much.....Judi
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May 22 07, 01:18
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 103
Joined: 18-April 07
From: British Columbia, Canada
Member No.: 421
Real Name: laryalee fraser
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Kathy Earsman
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Very touching, Judi... I enjoyed this! It feels like there are a lot of commas? And I liked your original grandchildren lines better -- broken into two sentences. (I can't remember the grammar rules for colons and semi-colons...I think a colon is used to begin a list.) Lary
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May 22 07, 10:15
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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 544
Joined: 3-May 07
From: Central Florida
Member No.: 427
Real Name: Judith Labriola
Writer of: Poetry
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QUOTE (laryalee @ May 22 07, 02:18 ) [snapback]96419[/snapback] Very touching, Judi... I enjoyed this! It feels like there are a lot of commas? And I liked your original grandchildren lines better -- broken into two sentences. I am pretty sure the commas are ok...The words that have commas after them are included in the sentence..I have not made any changes there, and it was never spaced differently..I am not sure what you mean...maybe someone else who was critiquing it broke it down to crit something.. that 's the only thing I can think of...(I can't remember the grammar rules for colons and semi-colons...I think a colon is used to begin a list.) Lary Lary, Thanks so much for stopping in...I am so glad you like this! Her name was "Mary" and at the point of her life where her health was failing, someone let her live in their garage until she died. She was from a wealthy family, and she received a substantial check every month. I am sure there are many stories there that I'll never know, but she was always so sweet tempered..she wore a turban, summer and winter..anyway...Thanks again, Judi
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May 25 07, 07:10
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409
Real Name: Brenda Nixon Cook
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Sampo
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Judi,
I have read this poem several times, I love the thought of this poem. I to am a women of middle years. The bonus of expereince and the tempering of our edges yes. Love these lines...
I have found that truth can balance precariously on tightropes stretched over chasms of right and wrong.
I too feel like there are two many commas, but grammar is not my strong suit, actually it is my weakest suit, so I could easily be wrong. I enjoyed it very much.
hope your day is good
:) brenda
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