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> Being a Woman of Middle Years..Revision Two, FV Poem
Judi
post May 20 07, 11:02
Post #1


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From: Central Florida
Member No.: 427
Real Name: Judith Labriola
Writer of: Poetry



Revision 2

Being a woman of middle years,
I do not bend quickly in the breeze.
I carry myself with discretion, borne
of my existing years.

Being a woman of middle years
has taught me much;
The value of a smile,
to love my children,
to smile with my grandchildren.
and revel in their love,
sigh at their distress,
their tears are my tears.

Being a woman of middle years,
I have learned to love protectively,
to hate selectively,
To fight for what is right,
to hesitate, when I am not sure.
I have found that truth can balance
precariously on tightropes stretched
over chasms of right and wrong.

Being a woman of middle years,
I have mellowed to sweetness,
that which was once bitter,
I now love passionately,
with what was once timid,
and I've become a woman willing
to gamble on tomorrow, with a soul
filled with hope.

Being a woman of middle years,
I value today,
for tomorrow might not come.
[/center]


Original Version

Being a woman of middle years,
I do not bend quickly with the breeze.
I carry myself with discretion, borne
of the years of my existence.

Being a woman of middle years
has taught me much;
The value of a smile,
to love my children,
to smile with my grandchildren.
I revel in their love,
sigh at their distress,
their tears are my tears.

Being a woman of middle years,
I have learned to love fiercely,
to hate selectively,
To fight for what is right,
to hesitate, when I am not sure.
I have found that truth can balance
precariously on tightropes stretched
over chasms of right and wrong.

Being a woman of middle years,
I have mellowed to sweetness,
that which was once bitter,
now love passionately,
with what was once timid,
and I've become a woman willing
to gamble on tomorrow, with a soul
filled with hope.

Being a woman of middle years,
I value today,
for tomorrow might not come.[center][/center




Revision 1

Being a woman of middle years,
I do not bend quickly with the breeze.
I carry myself with discretion, borne
of the years of my existence.

Being a woman of middle years
has taught me much;
The value of a smile,
to love my children,
to smile with my grandchildren.
I revel in their love,
sigh at their distress,
their tears are my tears.

Being a woman of middle years,
I have learned to love fiercely,
to hate selectively,
To fight for what is right,
to hesitate, when I am not sure.
I have found that truth can balance
precariously on tightropes stretched
over chasms of right and wrong.

Being a woman of middle years,
I have mellowed to sweetness,
that which was once bitter,
I now love passionately,
with what was once timid,
and I've become a woman willing
to gamble on tomorrow, with a soul
filled with hope.

Being a woman of middle years,
I value today,
for tomorrow might not come.[center]



Original Version

Being a woman of middle years,
I do not bend quickly with the breeze.
I carry myself with discretion, borne
of the years of my existence.

Being a woman of middle years
has taught me much;
The value of a smile,
to love my children,
to smile with my grandchildren.
I revel in their love,
sigh at their distress,
their tears are my tears.

Being a woman of middle years,
I have learned to love fiercely,
to hate selectively,
To fight for what is right,
to hesitate, when I am not sure.
I have found that truth can balance
precariously on tightropes stretched
over chasms of right and wrong.

Being a woman of middle years,
I have mellowed to sweetness,
that which was once bitter,
now love passionately,
with what was once timid,
and I've become a woman willing
to gamble on tomorrow, with a soul
filled with hope.

Being a woman of middle years,
I value today,
for tomorrow might not come.[center][/center]


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JaxMyth
post May 20 07, 19:12
Post #2


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Joined: 7-March 07
From: Oz
Member No.: 408
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:IBPC participant list



QUOTE (Judi @ May 21 07, 02:02 ) [snapback]96324[/snapback]
Being a woman of middle years,
I do not bend quickly with the breeze.
I carry myself with discretion, borne
of the years of my existence.

Being a woman of middle years
has taught me much;
The value of a smile,
to love my children,
to smile with my grandchildren.
I revel in their love,
sigh at their distress,
their tears are my tears.

Being a woman of middle years,
I have learned to love fiercely,
to hate selectively,
To fight for what is right,
to hesitate, when I am not sure.
I have found that truth can balance
precariously on tightropes stretched
over chasms of right and wrong.

Being a woman of middle years,
I have mellowed to sweetness,
that which was once bitter,
now love(s) passionately,
There seems to be a line missing here.
with what was once timid,
and have become a woman willing
to gamble on tomorrow, with a soul
filled with hope.

Being a woman of middle years,
I value today,
for tomorrow might not come.[center][/center]


This is quite wonderful.

If only we could impart wisdom...

Regards,

Jax


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Judi
post May 20 07, 19:28
Post #3


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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 544
Joined: 3-May 07
From: Central Florida
Member No.: 427
Real Name: Judith Labriola
Writer of: Poetry



QUOTE (JaxMyth @ May 20 07, 20:12 ) [snapback]96367[/snapback]
QUOTE (Judi @ May 21 07, 02:02 ) [snapback]96324[/snapback]
Being a woman of middle years,
I do not bend quickly with the breeze.
I carry myself with discretion, borne
of the years of my existence.

Being a woman of middle years
has taught me much;
The value of a smile,
to love my children,
to smile with my grandchildren.
I revel in their love,
sigh at their distress,
their tears are my tears.

Being a woman of middle years,
I have learned to love fiercely,
to hate selectively,
To fight for what is right,
to hesitate, when I am not sure.
I have found that truth can balance
precariously on tightropes stretched
over chasms of right and wrong.

Being a woman of middle years,
I have mellowed to sweetness,
that which was once bitter,
now love(s) passionately,
There seems to be a line missing here.
with what was once timid,
and have become a woman willing
to gamble on tomorrow, with a soul
filled with hope.

Being a woman of middle years,
I value today,
for tomorrow might not come.[center][/center]


This is quite wonderful.

If only we could impart wisdom...

Regards,

Jax



Thanks so much Jax...

Hmmmmmmmmm Now loves passionately
with that which was once timid

Do you think I need to change it? I didn't leave anything out, but if you think I should change it, that is a different matter...You won't hurt my feelings. Judi


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JaxMyth
post May 20 07, 20:10
Post #4


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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 331
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From: Oz
Member No.: 408
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:IBPC participant list



QUOTE (Judi @ May 21 07, 10:28 ) [snapback]96368[/snapback]
QUOTE (JaxMyth @ May 20 07, 20:12 ) [snapback]96367[/snapback]
QUOTE (Judi @ May 21 07, 02:02 ) [snapback]96324[/snapback]
Being a woman of middle years,
I do not bend quickly with the breeze.
I carry myself with discretion, borne
of the years of my existence.

Being a woman of middle years
has taught me much;
The value of a smile,
to love my children,
to smile with my grandchildren.
I revel in their love,
sigh at their distress,
their tears are my tears.

Being a woman of middle years,
I have learned to love fiercely,
to hate selectively,
To fight for what is right,
to hesitate, when I am not sure.
I have found that truth can balance
precariously on tightropes stretched
over chasms of right and wrong.

Being a woman of middle years,
I have mellowed to sweetness,
that which was once bitter,
now love(s) passionately,
There seems to be a line missing here.
with what was once timid,
and have become a woman willing
to gamble on tomorrow, with a soul
filled with hope.

Being a woman of middle years,
I value today,
for tomorrow might not come.[center][/center]


This is quite wonderful.

If only we could impart wisdom...

Regards,

Jax



Thanks so much Jax...

Hmmmmmmmmm Now loves passionately
with that which was once timid

Do you think I need to change it? I didn't leave anything out, but if you think I should change it, that is a different matter...You won't hurt my feelings. Judi


My misreading Judi,

perhaps this will be clearer:


Being a woman of middle years,
I have mellowed to sweetness,
that which was once bitter.
Now I love passionately,
with what was once timid.
I have become a woman willing
to gamble on tomorrow, with a soul
filled with hope.

Regards,

Jax


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Eisa
post May 21 07, 16:51
Post #5


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Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Hi Judi

I love your ideas behind this -- a little age certainly gives a different outlook on life doesn't it.

I have a few thoughts for you to consider ~


Being a woman of middle years,
I do not bend quickly with the breeze.
I carry myself with discretion, borne
of the years of my existence.

L2 -- as you have ‘with’ in L3 perhaps ‘in the breeze’
L4 – you perhaps to get rid of the 2nd ‘of’
‘of my existing years’


Being a woman of middle years
has taught me much;
The value of a smile,
to love my children,
to smile with my grandchildren.
I revel in their love,
sigh at their distress,
their tears are my tears.

L3 – no need for capital after a ;
I feel you could show more rather than tell in parts here – show how you revel in their love, what emotions do you feel when you sigh at their distress?


Being a woman of middle years,
I have learned to love fiercely,
to hate selectively,
To fight for what is right,
to hesitate, when I am not sure.
I have found that truth can balance
precariously on tightropes stretched
over chasms of right and wrong.

I can really appreciate this st.
Love fiercely is perhaps a little cliché.
I love the metaphor at the end of this st.


Being a woman of middle years,
I have mellowed to sweetness,
that which was once bitter,
I now love passionately,
with what was once timid,
and I've become a woman willing
to gamble on tomorrow, with a soul
filled with hope.

Being a woman of middle years,
I value today,
for tomorrow might not come.

I really like the message at the end.
Perhaps 'for tomorrow might not come for me' ~ as tomorrow will come, just not for some.


I really enjoyed this one -- I hope something I've said might be of use.

Snow Snowflake.gif


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Judi
post May 21 07, 18:27
Post #6


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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 544
Joined: 3-May 07
From: Central Florida
Member No.: 427
Real Name: Judith Labriola
Writer of: Poetry



QUOTE (Eisa @ May 21 07, 17:51 ) [snapback]96398[/snapback]
Hi Judi

I love your ideas behind this -- a little age certainly gives a different outlook on life doesn't it.

I have a few thoughts for you to consider ~


Being a woman of middle years,
I do not bend quickly with the breeze.
I carry myself with discretion, borne
of the years of my existence.

L2 -- as you have ‘with’ in L3 perhaps ‘in the breeze’
L4 – you perhaps to get rid of the 2nd ‘of’
‘of my existing years’


Being a woman of middle years
has taught me much;
The value of a smile,
to love my children,
to smile with my grandchildren.
I revel in their love,
sigh at their distress,
their tears are my tears.

L3 – no need for capital after a ;
I feel you could show more rather than tell in parts here – show how you revel in their love, what emotions do you feel when you sigh at their distress?


Being a woman of middle years,
I have learned to love fiercely,
to hate selectively,
To fight for what is right,
to hesitate, when I am not sure.
I have found that truth can balance
precariously on tightropes stretched
over chasms of right and wrong.

I can really appreciate this st.
Love fiercely is perhaps a little cliché.
I love the metaphor at the end of this st.


Being a woman of middle years,
I have mellowed to sweetness,
that which was once bitter,
I now love passionately,
with what was once timid,
and I've become a woman willing
to gamble on tomorrow, with a soul
filled with hope.

Being a woman of middle years,
I value today,
for tomorrow might not come.

I really like the message at the end.
Perhaps 'for tomorrow might not come for me' ~ as tomorrow will come, just not for some.


I really enjoyed this one -- I hope something I've said might be of use.

Snow Snowflake.gif


Thanks so much, Snow..

I have used all your suggestionsa and appreciate them so much.....Judi


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laryalee
post May 22 07, 01:18
Post #7


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From: British Columbia, Canada
Member No.: 421
Real Name: laryalee fraser
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Kathy Earsman



Very touching, Judi...
I enjoyed this!

It feels like there are a lot of commas?
And I liked your original grandchildren lines
better -- broken into two sentences.

(I can't remember the grammar rules for colons
and semi-colons...I think a colon is used to
begin a list.)


smile.gif
Lary
 
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Judi
post May 22 07, 10:15
Post #8


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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 544
Joined: 3-May 07
From: Central Florida
Member No.: 427
Real Name: Judith Labriola
Writer of: Poetry



QUOTE (laryalee @ May 22 07, 02:18 ) [snapback]96419[/snapback]
Very touching, Judi...
I enjoyed this!

It feels like there are a lot of commas?
And I liked your original grandchildren lines
better -- broken into two sentences.

I am pretty sure the commas are ok...The words
that have commas after them are included in the sentence..




I have not made any changes there, and
it was never spaced differently..I am not sure
what you mean...maybe someone else who
was critiquing it broke it down to crit something..
that 's the only thing I can think of...


(I can't remember the grammar rules for colons
and semi-colons...I think a colon is used to
begin a list.)


smile.gif
Lary



Lary, Thanks so much for stopping in...I am so glad you like this! Her name was "Mary" and at
the point of her life where her health was failing, someone let her live in their garage until she died.
She was from a wealthy family, and she received a substantial check every month. I am sure there are
many stories there that I'll never know, but she was always so sweet tempered..she wore a turban, summer and winter..anyway...Thanks again, Judi


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bbnixon
post May 25 07, 07:10
Post #9


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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409
Real Name: Brenda Nixon Cook
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Sampo



Judi,

I have read this poem several times, I love the thought of this poem. I to am a women of middle years. The bonus of expereince and the tempering of our edges yes. Love these lines...


I have found that truth can balance
precariously on tightropes stretched
over chasms of right and wrong.



I too feel like there are two many commas, but grammar is not my strong suit, actually it is my weakest suit, so I could easily be wrong. I enjoyed it very much.

hope your day is good

:) brenda


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