Printable Version of Topic

Click here to view this topic in its original format

Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -> Herme's Homilies _ self-reflective senryu series

Posted by: JustDaniel Jan 21 18, 13:24

self-reflective senryu series

What does my life show?
Is Truth I'm set apart to
communicated?

My Home is elsewhere;
does that show in what I do
and things I cling to?

Do my actions speak?
show that God, who surrounds me,
is completely Good?

Do I manifest
God's providential greatness?
My trust in Him clear?

Can my fear of Him
be seen in the ways I act?
His Word outweighs mine.

Is God's Grace to me
obvious in life's courtroom?
My striving falls short.

© MLeeDickens'son 2018
during sermon challenge

Posted by: Larry Jan 23 18, 12:16

Hey Daniel,

Don’t know if you wanted any critique on your contemplations but I can tell it was written with a lot of soul-searching involved. Most of what you wrote are questions any Christian might ask themselves and many, if not all, find themselves wanting. I guess the best one can do is “do the right thing” and He will always understand.

L2 in the first of your series was a bit confusing so I threw in a rewording suggestion. The rest of my critique had to do with punctuation (Senryu, as you know, don’t really require that). [out] (in)

It did make me contemplate my own shortcomings. I apologize in advance if you didn't want any critique.

Larry

self-reflective senryu series

What does my life show?
Is Truth [I'm set apart to] (… I’m set to impart)
communicated?

My Home is elsewhere;
does that show in what I do
and things I cling to?

Do my actions speak[?]( ; )
show that God, who surrounds me,
is completely Good?

Do I manifest
God's providential greatness?
(Is) [My] trust in Him clear?

Can my fear of Him
be seen in the ways I act?
His Word outweighs mine.

Is God's Grace to me
obvious in life's courtroom?
My striving falls short.

Posted by: JustDaniel Jan 23 18, 13:56

Hey, Larry...

I've modified my entry to indicate that critique is welcome. It's been a while since I offered anything, so the habit had died!

I like all of your suggestions, and I'll likely incorporate each, though the one to the third senryu would make the first line run directly into the rest for ONE LONG THOUGHT, which isn't supposed to happen in a senryu.

Also, I'm not sure if you noticed the IRONY of your having to offer a suggestion in the first senryu!? Do you see it? LOL

deLighting in your generous sharing, Daniel

Posted by: Larry Jan 23 18, 18:54

Hi Daniel,

Glad my crits didn't cause you to get mad at me. I do see the irony of my suggestion in the first Senryu;
although the truth was communicated, it wasn't grammatical. If you have a truth to communicate, it probably doesn't matter as long as the recipient understands the underlying message.

I did enjoy your string!

Larry

Posted by: Arnfinn Jan 30 18, 05:06

Quite a sermon there Daniel.

Every section passes the 5-7-5 test

Situation.

Where

What

When

An accomplishment.

Regards,

John

Posted by: JustDaniel Jun 22 18, 07:24

Thank you SO very much, John. I'm so sorry that I overlooked your comment!

I have just slightly modified this and posted it on All Poetry https://allpoetry.com/poem/13954394-self-reflective-senryu-series-by-Daniel-Ricketts

in Light of continuing to grow, Daniel