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Posted by: Don Jul 22 06, 18:27

*******Revision 06~~~November 30, 2006 *******
removed last stanza

Seasickness
(version 06)

I stand on the sandy seashore
to see the lonely surf and sigh
a silent wish for one Tall Ship
to sail in stiff winds that comply.

Abruptly, clouds blow out the sun
as rogue wave crest bounds out of sight,
which decks me to the pebbled beach;
and drowns my fancy in fierce fright.

*******Revision 05~~~October 26, 2006 *******
Lines 6 and 12

Seasickness
(version 05)

I stand on the sandy seashore
to see the lonely surf and sigh
a silent wish for one Tall Ship
to sail in stiff winds that comply.

Abruptly, clouds blow out the sun
as rogue wave crest bounds out of sight,
which decks me to the pebbled beach;
and drowns my fancy in fierce fright.

A roving wisdom in this squall
declares a tale of facts clearly
as a boatswain pipes his whistle
to belay a sea dog whimsy.

~~~~~~Revision 04~~~October 10, 2006~~~~~~
Seasickness
(version 04)

I stand on the sandy seashore
to see the lonely surf and sigh
a silent wish for one Tall Ship
to sail in stiff winds that comply.

Abruptly, clouds blow out the sun
when waves rise to outrageous height,
which deck me to the pebbled beach;
and drown my fancy in fierce fright.

A roving wisdom in this squall
declares a tale of facts clearly
as a boatswain pipes his whistle
to belay a foolish whimsy.

~~~~~~Revision 03~~~August 17, 2006~~~~~~
Seasickness
(version 03)

I stand on the sandy seashore
to see the lonely surf and sigh
a silent wish for one Tall Ship
to sail in stiff winds that comply.

Abruptly, clouds blew out the sun
when waves rose to outrageous height,
which decked me to the pebbled beach;
and drowned my fantasy in fright.

I stand on the sandy seashore
to see the lonely surf and sigh
a silent wish for one Tall Ship
to sail in stiff winds that comply.

Abruptly, clouds blow out the sun
as rogue wave crest bounds out of sight,
which decks me to the pebbled beach;
and drowns my fancy in fierce fright.

A roving wisdom in this squall
declares a tale of facts clearly
as a boatswain pipes his whistle
to belay a sea dog whimsy.

~~~~~~Revision 04~~~October 10, 2006~~~~~~
Seasickness
(version 04)

I stand on the sandy seashore
to see the lonely surf and sigh
a silent wish for one Tall Ship
to sail in stiff winds that comply.

Abruptly, clouds blow out the sun
when waves rise to outrageous height,
which deck me to the pebbled beach;
and drown my fancy in fierce fright.

A roving wisdom in this squall
declares a tale of facts clearly
as a boatswain pipes his whistle
to belay a foolish whimsy.

~~~~~~Revision 03~~~August 17, 2006~~~~~~
Seasickness
(version 03)

I stand on the sandy seashore
to see the lonely surf and sigh
a silent wish for one Tall Ship
to sail in stiff winds that comply.

Abruptly, clouds blew out the sun
when waves rose to outrageous height,
which decked me to the pebbled beach;
and drowned my fantasy in fright.

A roving wisdom in this squall
declared a tale of facts clearly;
like a clarion wake-up call
as retort to foolish whimsy.

~~~~~~Revision 01~~~August 13, 2006~~~~~~
Seasickness
(version 01)

I went to the seashore again
to see the lonely surf, to sigh
a silent whim for a Tall Ship
to command and wind to defy.

Then blowing clouds snuffed out the sun,
and wind hatched waves too high to scale.
This frightful sight from deck of sod
did drown my breezy dream to sail.

A wisdom rove upon this gale
in time to cure a fool’s query,
to grant a beyond rainbow wish;
and tell its tale of facts clearly.


I went to the seashore again to see the lonely surf, to sigh a silent whim for a Tall Ship to command and wind to defy. Then blowing clouds snuffed out the sun, and wind hatched waves too high to scale. This frightful sight from deck of sod did drown my breezy dream to sail. A wisdom rove upon this gale in time to cure a fool’s query, to grant a beyond rainbow wish; and tell its tale of facts clearly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~original~~~~~~~~~~~
Seasickness

I went down again to the sea
to see the lonely surf to sigh
with silent whim for a Tall Ship
to command the wind to defy.

Then I saw clouds blow out the sun,
and waves rise to forbidden height,
which dashed my soul to deck of soil,
to squelch my fantasy with fright.


© 2006, D.E. Holmes
22 July

Posted by: Nina Jul 22 06, 23:51

Hi Don

This poem very much reminded me of John Masefield's "Sea Fever" here is the link: http://www.blupete.com/Literature/Poetry/MasefieldSeaFever.htm

Shame the high waves stopped your fantasy.

I went down again to the sea
to see the lonely surf[,] to sigh
with silent whim for a Tall Ship
to command[,] the wind to defy. ...I had a bit of trouble making sense of some of this because of lack of punctuation and pauses in the middle of lines.

Then I saw clouds blow out the sun,
and waves rise to forbidden height,
which dashed my soul to deck of soil,
to squelch my fantasy with fright. ..I'm not sure to squelch is quite right, perhaps squelching.

Nina

Posted by: JLY Jul 23 06, 06:33

Don,
A nice, smooth quick read. Only one question:

Then I saw clouds blow out the sun

Do clouds really blow out the sun? or should you consider block out the sun?

JLY

Posted by: Cathy Jul 23 06, 08:44

Hi Don,

There is such a lonely feel to this poem. I get the feeling that the MC wants to be at sea but can't.

Seasickness This is usually used when someone is sick from being on a ship and my thought was that someone wanted a ship (although I could be interpreting it wrong.) If I'm not ... would simply 'Seasick' work, maybe with a hyphen 'Sea-sick' to differentiate?

I went down again to the sea
to see the lonely surf[,] to sigh
with silent whim for a Tall Ship
to command the wind to defy. This verse leaves me with a feeling of sadness.

Then I saw clouds blow out the sun,
and waves rise to forbidden height,
which dashed my soul to deck of soil,
{to} squelch[ing] my fantasy with fright. Is this fright of a storm or a ship?You could also use something like: 'and soon my fantasy took flight'...

Just my humble thoughts ... use or lose as you see fit! *smiles*

Cathy

Posted by: JustDaniel Jul 23 06, 12:01

I'm appreciative not only of this poem but of Nina's observations and the citing of a kindred poem I'd never read before [ ... in fact, an author I'd never read before! ]

I also could not get the sense of S1L4 till I saw Nina's punctuation. I'm afraid there is an ambiguity that would make it mean quite the opposite ( and nonsense ? ) without it ? Of course YOU know the meaning, so it's always best to assume that we may not, without a bit of help ?

Personally I like the 'blow out' metaphor! It's a very graphic portrayal of a ferociously cloudy day -- the kind that NJ has experienced in the past few days, in fact... not unlike the one that Eileen and I experienced in Wildwood (by the Sea) yesterday on the way back from Williamsburg, VA. I DO LOVE the Jersey Shore!

Seasickness

I went down again to the sea
to see the lonely surf to sigh
with silent whim for a Tall Ship
to command[...] the wind to defy. [ Methinks your age is showing with this iversion. ]

Then I saw clouds blow out the sun,
and waves rise to forbidden height,
which dashed my soul to deck of soil, [ deck of soil seems a bit of a stretch ? ]
to squelch my fantasy with fright. [ I too don't feel that squelch is quite the word, but I don't have a suggestion at this point; it just leaves a gritty taste in my mouth. Could it be the sand? ]

Posted by: ArtesiaMeeks Jul 24 06, 10:41

Hi Don,

I like this poem and I agree with Daniel...............(Personally I like the 'blow out' metaphor!)

It does kinds leave SAND in one's mouth....good job.

AG

Posted by: Rosemerta Jul 24 06, 17:16

Hi Don,

This has a lovely sing-song style to it that I truly like, yet it seems a little forced in places. I like some of the suggestions already made. I am impressed with how much I read within just two stanzas.

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Aug 3 06, 18:44

Hi Don.

A clever twist on your title - I was expecting a poem about the 'feelings' of seasickness. But I take this to mean - missing the sea. I have made a couple of suggestions below to help smooth the meter as you like.

Posted by: Don Aug 3 06, 18:53

Thanks Cleo,

I do thank you for your detailed input as with others. I've yet to find time for satisfactory rework. I am collecting ten to fifteen poems this month to submit to Ohio Arts Council for grant application. We (Edison Writer's Club) do not expect to win a grant, but want Ohio to know how many artists are active in our state. As I want this to be among the collection, action should be soon.

I would like to mention that the exact poem Nina mentioned is right on target. My inspiration was a portion of that specific work.

Stay dry and cool

Don

Posted by: AMETHYST Aug 4 06, 09:09

Hello Don,


This is the prime example of poetry in motion. This has so much going on within it, and yet appears simple, so deep its meanings go...

Posted by: Don Aug 13 06, 13:35

Revison has been posted in original thread box 13 Aug 06.

Nina
Reading a small published portion of the poem you mention was my inspiration.
The revision corrects punctuation and eliminates the word "squelch" altogether.
Hopefully, the revision does more justice to John Masefield.

Cathy
Those who do not sail for a living tend to romance what can be a terrifying occupation. Fright of the storm at seashore cleans dreams of romantic sail and puts reality into sharp perspective. Since you were the second person to quibble, I removed "squelch." I toyed with the title and settled on what may be misleading physically. The title refers to mental illness of entertaining an illusion that is cured by a gale.

JLY
I agree clouds literally cannot blow out our sun, but perhaps poetically they can.

JustDaniel
You are the third to object to "squelch." which has been dumped by popular demand.
My age seems to show in many words I choose to use. It is difficult to be modern when balding. I didn't think deck of soil was any more stretch than clouds blowing out the sun, but this has been altered for popular taste. I understand parts of the NJ shore have extremely dangerous incoming waves.

Hope the revision is less gritty with sand.

Artesia Meeks
Thanks for your considered comments. I'm sorry to have filtered out the sand-in-mouth as you liked it.

Rosemerta
Always a pleasure to here from you. Hopefully, the only forced line now is with rainbow. I've forced myself to let a revision slip out despite some personal qualms. This is a workshop and my qualms are now in MM hands.

I intentionally attempt very compact expressions. Prose is for selling verbosity.

Cleo_Serapis
The journey is psychological from loosely conceived romance to harsh reality. My meter is quite mixed with constant syllable count per line rather than constant feet per line. I am aware the revision tones down the emotion, say of fright; but somethings tend to be lost with repeated revisions.

Yes, the image of being dashed down by a giant wave didn't come across as I desired. Your picture of hitting the ground from fright is equally satisfactory.

Amethyst
I am glad you approve of the title. A blurb of "Sea Fever" mentioned by Nina was my inspiration. The twist is that life on the sea often converts a Titanic into a tooth pick. To get a significant taste of that terror while safely on shore is a blessing.

To everyone
I certainly appreciate attention each has given to my rough draft. I hope the revision hasn't lost too much impact, especially due to third stanza of explanation. I heartily welcome addition tuning. Last but not least, I thank everyone taking part todate.

Don

Posted by: JustDaniel Aug 13 06, 14:29

Greetings, Don...

I stand along the shore with you, a confirmed landlubber with no wishes to captain a ship, but still dreams of those who have done so... I look out from our sandy perch to view your dream alongside you, longingly:

I went to the seashore again
to see the lonely surf, to sigh
a silent whim for a one Tall Ship
to command and wind to defy.
[ to captain... those stiff winds defy ? ]

[ I think your revised second stanza fixes the objection of others' perspective, though I still like the original, Don. I do wonder about what you're hatching with 'hatched', however. I might have chosen the alliteration of something like '-whipped' but that might be too cliche ? ... and the first line might tie back to the winds by changing the opening thus: ]

Then blowing Unbridled clouds snuffed out the sun,
and wind hatched squalls whipped waves too high to scale.
This frightful sight from deck of sod
[ sodded deck... or maybe :wink: even sodden deck ]
did would drown my breezy whispy dream to sail.

[ I am wondering about 'rove' ? Did you mean 'roved' ? Or are you somehow weaving the nautical meaning of 'reeve' into this? If so, wouldn't it be 'rove into' or 'rove in through' ? ]

A wisdom rove upon this gale
in time to cure a fool’s query,
to grant a wish beyond rainbow wish;
and tell its tale of facts clearly.

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Aug 13 06, 14:45

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Aug 13 06, 14:59

Hi Don.

I like the addition of that thrid stanza. This is coming together nicely!

Here a few more thoughts for you to ponder..
~Cleo

Posted by: Don Aug 17 06, 11:59

Thanks everyone.

03 revision posted in original thread box.

Don

Posted by: Peterpan Aug 17 06, 12:56

Posted by: Don Aug 17 06, 13:04

Hi PP,

Yes, John Masefield's "Sea Fever" is my inspiration and first mentioned with a link in this thread by Nina.

Thank you very much for dropping by and having something to say.

Don

Posted by: JustDaniel Aug 17 06, 14:18

Ahoy, Captain Don!

Ship's carpenter has done his thing and now retires to calmer shores, I see, for resting in the wings; one captain/bard stocks ship for more! Well-done, thou architect and engineer, thou barefoot shoobie wading bird, thou listener with tempered ear, thou sculpter shaping every word! To workshop with you honors us who've wandered in to feel the breeze, yet find ourselves upon your bus to travel o'er the briney seas!

I merely offer fleeting notes which you may toss if they don't float:

Posted by: Don Aug 17 06, 14:36

Hi JustDaniel,

I see your point about remaining in present tense. It did not seem right to remain current, but as you put it, it does. The changing tense as I did does bother my sensibility. Hmmm, I am almost startled that the last stanza mucks up the mess. If it does not clarify, then it has no purpose. I shall ponder and ponder some more.

Hopefully, others will comment upon the present/past tense issue.

Don

Posted by: JustDaniel Aug 17 06, 14:55

It may be my cloudy eye and damaged ear that muck up a mess, my friend... You've helped me drain quite a number of swampy poems of mine to give them a better footing. I am sorry that I've not returned the favor with this one.

I am much better with muck on a gypsum-board wall covering joints and nail impressions with my trusty set of trowels, preparing for the painter's brush.

Lightly daubin' fer now, Daniel

Posted by: Don Aug 17 06, 15:17

Dear JustDaniel,

You are doing better than just fine with crit. I am very pleased you have time to drag mine around the barnyard for fresh air. I have one of yours to return to from way back. I've not forgotten but have better days than others to juggle. To be kind I call in procrastination.

Our bank statement just arrived in the mail. The post has been exceptionally slow with this monthly. I will see if batteries in hand calculator are awake. If so they can run me around finding a true balance.

Don :):):):)

Posted by: Peterpan Aug 17 06, 15:30

Posted by: Don Aug 17 06, 15:57

Dear PP,

Bantering is cheap. Its battering that is costly.

Glad South Africa is soundly represented.

Don

Posted by: Peterpan Aug 17 06, 16:03

Dear PP,

Bantering is cheap. Its battering that is costly.

Glad South Africa is soundly represented.

Don

Posted by: Don Oct 10 06, 11:59

A revision 04, October 10, 2006, has been posted.

I heartily thank everyone for their workshop input toward polishing this jewel.

Don

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 10 06, 12:39

Hey, Don...

I know that you know that the penultimate line doesn't end in a perfect rhyme...

but this old boatswain ain't gonna be blowin' any naughty-call whistle just fer Bev's fancy!

I'll just be whistlin' in the wind... which I love to do, by the way.

deLightin' in the portrayal, Daniel

Posted by: Don Oct 10 06, 13:01

Hi happy whistler,

I assume you mean clearly/whimsy combination is not a great rhyme. I can't say how good, but my rhyming dictionary claims they do.

Let me know, please.

Don

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 10 06, 13:12

Hey, Don...

My bad! Those aren't the lines that I was referring to, but L's 1 and 3...

but now I see that they aren't intended to! DUH! It's what happens when ya start to comment, but find that the revision is on Page 1 and you're on Page 2! Shoulda copied it!

Good work, my man!

whisperistlin' Lightly, Daniel

Posted by: Don Oct 10 06, 13:29

Hi Daniel,

No problem. Wait until you drive around the block to run out of gasoline.

Don

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 10 06, 13:59

I just got back from picking up my co-worker, who talked to one of her clients (who shouldn't even be one) with the door open the whole time; the battery went dead. I just spent nearly well over a half an hour of time I don't have....

so it's back to paperwork! The clinical director is lurking in our building, so I'd best catch up!

Toodles!

Posted by: Peterpan Oct 11 06, 05:37

Posted by: Don Oct 26 06, 11:25

A revision 05, October 26, 2006 has been posted in beginning box.

Thanks everyone.

Don

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Oct 26 06, 15:09

Hi Don.

Glad to see you still refining this piece! I've a few more suggestions to toss your way.

Cheers
~Cleo

[+] {-}

I {stand} [saunter] on the sandy {sea}shore
to {see} [glimpse] the lonely surf and sigh
a silent wish for one Tall Ship
to sail in stiff winds that comply.
to sail in stiff winds, they comply.
OR
to sail in stiff winds; ships rely.

A roving wisdom in this squall
declares a tale of facts clearly[;]
{as a} [Mr.] boatswain pipes his whistle
to belay a sea dog whimsy.
Nice Don!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Posted by: Cathy Oct 26 06, 17:50

Hi Don,

I love how it's coming along! Just a thought...

I agree with Lori's suggestions for lines 1&2. As to the last line, what about...

I stand on the sandy seashore
to see the lonely surf and sigh
a silent wish for one Tall Ship[,]
to sail in stiff winds that comply.
and hope that stiff winds will comply.

Cathy

Posted by: Don Oct 28 06, 13:01

Hi Cleo and Cathy,

Thanks for entering the fray again. I've since gotten additional remarks from a writer's club. You two and a few at the club are disturbed by the fourth line. The word comply seems to be the irritant. Is this the main irritation for you, Cleo and Cathy?

There is no need for a hope when it is already within a wish for complimentary winds. As explained to another, in open sea the trade winds dominate, but storm winds would not be considered compliant.

First line: I doubt readers will accept walking on sand which later turns to pebbles. The word saunter adds a syllable compared to stand. Is the idea to add motion?

First line: what about standing at rather than on the shore?

Second line: Why use glimpse instead of the alliteration of see? Were you avoiding similar sounding words per your revision of first line of see/sea?

A number of critics have noted that the last stanza is confusing or too complex. What is your take?

Second line, last stanza: What about changing "tale" to "trail?"

What do you think about adding a fourth stanza to say that this is a typical lesson of life?

Don

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Oct 29 06, 09:59

Hi Don.

I'm not certain that 'irritant' is the right word Don? I just think there is another word that might work better, such as the one I suggested 'rely' - knowing that the winds will do what they please and the ship may or may not 'comply'. The way I read the line it sounds like the winds are the ones that comply and not the ship.
"to sail in stiff winds that comply."

QUOTE

What do you think about adding a fourth stanza to say that this is a typical lesson of life?

Now that would be up to you Don. What would it say?

Cheers
~Cleo

Posted by: Don Nov 30 06, 14:22

Hello folks,

Submitted revision 06 located in original thread box.

Don

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Nov 30 06, 14:31

Don!

I enjoyed all your versions but this one tickles my fancy the most!

Well done!
~Cleo

Posted by: Peterpan Nov 30 06, 14:37

Hey Don~



Nooo! It looks good but, I liked the last stanza!?

Total confusion!

PP

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Nov 30 06, 14:52

Tee hee.

Actually - Bev DOES have a point: I liked this one too:
A wisdom rove upon this gale
in time to cure a fool’s query,
to grant a rainbowed sea dog wish
and tell its tale of facts clearly.

to sum it all up.

Posted by: Don Nov 30 06, 15:32

Dear Cleo and PP,

I attempted to add a third stanza to bind the first two. My outside writer's club critiqued it into a hole. As one said, "This is the best I've seen of your's, BUT…" According to them I would need to rewrite a longer one or cut it as I have. I've personally not been able to come to terms, but feel the short enigma is better than brooding over it. I feel it is time to stop procrastinating to clear the deck to allow MM publication.

A big Thank you for saying the third stanza did serve intended function. Just goes to show mutilple revisions can serve equivalent functions regarding contests, etc.

I have difficulty agreeing with the writer's club as they are into free verse poetry to the distain of R&M. Worst of all, though they actually do know better, they try to make prose rules fit every composition. A few of us retired dabblers attend. We have a high percentage of active and retired teachers along with a ghost writer and a few active newspaper journalists. I am more content when dentist works on my teeth.

Although Internet sites can be vicious, I find my face to face group treacherously friendly.

Don

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jan 28 07, 14:39

Congrats Don on your wizard award winning tile!

Well done!

~Cleo

Posted by: Don Jan 28 07, 14:53

Thank you very much Cleo_Serapis for implementing and congratulating me on the wizard award.

I just love that person in the night-shirt poking a stew of stars.

Don :)