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Sunset, pondering a better, non-cliche title |
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Guest_Dove_*
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Mar 3 04, 00:39
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Guest
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(revision)
Sunkist
Spoonfuls of sugar frost blueberries, with a banana on the side.
Many mandarin slices, strawberry swirls, cherry toppings, kiwi leaves, plum halves, and the last sliver of peach are plucked and packaged; ripe pear-shaped day.
Pomegranate seeds, grape wine perfume, and rosemary aroma waft around the pealed coconut that orbits; eggplant night.
(original)
Sunset
Spoonfuls of sugar cover blueberries, with a banana on the side.
Many mandarin slices, strawberry splotches, cherry stems, kiwi leaves, plum halves, and the last sliver of peach; ripe pear-shaped day.
Pomegranate seeds, grape wine perfume, cranberry strings, pealed coconut orbiting; eggplant night.
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Mar 3 04, 05:07
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 427
Joined: 5-August 03
From: Oregon, USA
Member No.: 8
Real Name: Dolly
Writer of: Poetry
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Very unusual and interesting poem, Dove, so full of yummy things to eat, smell, and look upon! I did wonder about a couple of words, though.
QUOTE(Dove @ Mar. 02 2004, 21:39) Sunset
Spoonfuls of sugar cover blueberries, with a banana on the side.
Why banana on the side ... why not in bowl with blueberries?
Many mandarin slices, strawberry splotches,
Why strawberry "splotches"? I LOVE strawberries, but the splotches I cut out first.
cherry stems, Cherry "stems" not the sweet fruit?
kiwi leaves, Hmmmmm kiwi "leaves" ... never tasted the leaves, but LOVE kiwi FRUIT.
plum halves, and the last sliver of peach; ripe pear-shaped day.
Pomegranate seeds, grape wine perfume, cranberry strings,
Do you mean strings like for a Christmas tree?
pealed coconut orbiting;
Don't get this one at all.
eggplant night. [/b] Otherwise, I think it's a clever poem full of visual goodies!
Blessings,
Dolly
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Mar 3 04, 08:12
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter
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Hi Dove,
Yes, I certainly agree with Dolly that this is both unusual and beautiful. Many of the ingredients that make up this wonderful sunset were a bit odd, such as the stems and not the cherries. At first, as I read I thought I was envisioning a sunrise through sunset, a day in our live and the wonders we don't often get to see.
I especially love "eggplant night" to end this. Let's see what other thoughts I might leave..
I thought you might get more wear of these fruit-filled images if you weaved them into the vision you are presenting to the reader. To blend and mesh them so to speak, as the sky would do with these colors and hues.
Very vivid account and as for the title, I think the title is completely fitting as the body of the poem never really says what it is but the title has offered the scene for the reader.
Best wishes, Liz
QUOTE Spoonfuls of sugar cover blueberries, with a banana on the side.
some examples would be to omit spoonfuls. Beginning with Sugar sprinkled blueberries blend banana yellow from the east skirting mandarin slices...
Omitting 'many" and bringing the second stanza up to the first.
Many mandarin slices, strawberry splotches,
perhaps strawberry spirals
cherry stems, kiwi leaves,
Cherry stems? Perhaps we can get the entire cherry in there...
Cherries with stems touching kiwi leaves
plum halves, and the last sliver of peach; ripe pear-shaped day.
I would love to see these last two lines be joined with the ending, such as: plum halves and a last sliver of peach to ripen a pear-shaped day into an eggplant night.
Pomegranate seeds, grape wine perfume, cranberry strings, pealed coconut orbiting; eggplant night.
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Guest_Dove_*
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Mar 7 04, 17:39
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Guest
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thank you amethyst and athena for peering in here. always appreciate your views.
fixed "splotches" and "stems"
coconut orbitting is supposed to be the moon.
i tried to make it flow better....any opinions?
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Guest__*
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Mar 7 04, 19:55
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Guest
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Dear Dove
Are you still looking for a title ?
What I'm about to offer is something that would suit me, so you might want to run a mile :
FRUIT-SALAD SET
which would combine the sunset and the fruity colors you use to describe it !
Love Alan
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Mar 7 04, 20:19
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter
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Oh Dove,
Your revision is lovely. I felt the change at each stanza, with the ending summery line worked wonders. Not a nit to follow, this is a beautiful visionary piece of writing!
Best Wishes, Liz
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Mar 17 04, 03:17
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 1,547
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia
Member No.: 13
Real Name: Daniah
Writer of: Poetry
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Jessica,
There's always a mystical air around your blends. I enjoyed the fruitiness of this. Could almost smell each there.
I think you did well on the revision and the title is much better..
Great work here.
Daniah
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Guest_Don_*
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Apr 3 04, 18:36
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Guest
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Coming to the party late, I'll nit the revision.
Certainly not important because I missed it, but I did miss coconut orbiting = moon. Seems right after you mention it. The title missleads me to concentrate on sunshine, etc.; hence reference to a moon seems out of place.
I certainly like the multitude of fruity flavors in a melodic list.
Line 2: maybe "frosted?
Second to last line: word "that" seems flat. How about: peeled coconut in orbit with singular orbit?
My first impression was waking to a delicious eye opening breakfast. With moon involved perhaps its termination of a perfect day. Throwing a title on the fire: Flavor Right.
Pleasure to read my dear.
Don
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Apr 7 04, 18:42
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Hi Jessica!
I'm always late! I was thinking about your title, and I almost wondered if 'Fruited Horizons' would be a more fitting title, because in this context, you could be writing about sunrise and/or sunsets from an orbiter perspective? I also got a bit itchy with the opening stanza: the word 'spoonfuls'. Perhaps a change to 'sprinkles or dustings? I also keep reading 'frost' as frosted, and am expecting some sort of action to follow side? I have a suggestion there to take or toss as follows:
Sprinkles of sugared blueberries serenade interludes of banana trajectories. **This may be WAY beyond, I am only referencing some 'horizon images' as a suggestion.
Many Copious mandarin slices, strawberry swirls, cherry toppings, kiwi leaves, plum halves, and the last sliver of peach are plucked and packaged; ripe pear-shaped day. ****Awesome! My favorite stanza!
Pomegranate seeds, grape wine perfume, and rosemary aroma waft around the pealed coconut that orbits; eggplant night.
Well done! Your imagery in comparison to a fruit salad really work well here! Cheers! ~Cleo
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