Flashbacks - change of title (revision 2), FV - Alzheimer's Options

[Eisa]

Flashbacks (2nd revision)

I saw your father last night

Two years have rolled by
since the phone tolled
delivering its terminal message.

This earthquake shook me
waves radiating
from my epicentre.

In a tremor of aftershock
I whispered to her
of his slipping away.

sorry to hear that
- she was distanced
from the devastation.

Aw… he looked so handsome

He wore a flat cap in winter
to warm his shiny pate,

Now, it rests at the back
of my reminiscence drawer
with her butterfly brooch
and snapshots of their life.

I scrutinize their wedding photo,
all eyes smiling, lips saying Cheese.
His dark waves were intact
… yes, he was handsome.

I think he might take me back

When their marriage fractured
a tug of war stretched me
until I split into pieces.
Although middle-aged, I was a child.

He embraced a new wife for twelve years,
Even if his life had extended,
he could not … would not
return to her yearning arms.

He gave me a beautiful brooch

Her smile was wide -
unaware the broken butterfly would
not settle on her breast again.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Half Eaten Memories (revision 1)

The predator nibbles at recollections
scattering his leftovers.

I saw your father last night

Two years have rolled by
since the phone tolled
delivering its terminal message.

This earthquake shook me
waves radiating
from my epicentre.

In a tremor of aftershock
I whispered to her
of his slipping away.

sorry to hear that
- she was distanced
from the devastation.

Aw… he looked so handsome

He wore a flat cap in winter
to warm his shiny pate,

Now, it rests at the back
of my reminiscence drawer
with her best dragonfly brooch
and snapshots of their life.

I scrutinize their wedding photo,
all eyes smiling, lips saying Cheese.
His dark waves were intact
… yes, he was handsome.

I think he might take me back

When their marriage fractured
a tug of war stretched me
until I split into pieces.
Although middle-aged, I was a child.

He embraced a new wife for twelve years,
Even if his life had extended,
he could not … would not
return to her yearning arms.

He gave me a beautiful brooch

It lies by his cap now - clasp broken
while she snacks on comfort crumbs

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Half Eaten Memories (original)

The predator nibbles at recollections
leaving a scattering of morsels.

I saw your father last night

It’s two years since the phone’s toll
delivered its terminal message.

This earthquake shook me
its waves radiating
from my epicentre.

In a tremor of aftershock
I break the news to her
of his slipping away.

sorry to hear that
- she was distanced
from the devastation.

Aw… he looked so handsome

He wore a flat cap in winter
to warm his shiny pate,

Now, it rests at the back
of my reminiscence drawer
with her favourite dragonfly brooch
and snapshots of their life.

I study their wedding photo
- everyone saying Cheese.
His dark waves were intact
… yes, he was handsome.

I think he might take me back

When their marriage fractured
a tug of war stretched me
until I split into pieces.
Although middle-aged, I was a child.

He embraced a new wife for twelve years,
Even if his life had extended,
he could not … would not
return to her anticipating arms.

He gave me a lovely brooch

Rummaging through the predators leftovers,
she finds crumbs of comfort.

[Siren]

Hey Hny,

I am taken in by this starting from the title till the content. I will come back later on a clear head and comment more thoroughly, I just wanted you to know that I read and I loved.

Hugs
Dani

[Eisa]

Hey Hny,

I am taken in by this starting from the title till the content. I will come back later on a clear head and comment more thoroughly, I just wanted you to know that I read and I loved.

Hugs
Dani

Thanks Dani

I look forward to your return

Hugs
Snow

[saore]

Intense poem Eisa. There is really nothing I could contribute to make it any better, it's very tight. I don't like the ending but that does not say anything about the poem, it only speaks about me and my personal preferences. I guess what bothers me is the repetition of the "predator" image. I would end it on brooch, perhaps add something cynical about the brooch, but nothing to do with bread crumbs, it's too easy, too comfortable, for me that is.

Sergio

[Guest_sandiegopoet_*]

This has a lot to recommend it. First, unlike so much poetry I've read of late, it is about something IMPORTANT.

My father had Alzheimer's. It took about ten years to do him in.

* * * * *

Some readers might consider much of this as prosy, and react negatively. I don't mind a few lines that are barren of "poetic devices," so long as I am given lines like these --

When their marriage fractured
a tug of war stretched me
until I split into pieces.
Although middle-aged, I was a child.

Best,

Fred

[Eisa]

Intense poem Eisa. There is really nothing I could contribute to make it any better, it's very tight. I don't like the ending but that does not say anything about the poem, it only speaks about me and my personal preferences. I guess what bothers me is the repetition of the "predator" image. I would end it on brooch, perhaps add something cynical about the brooch, but nothing to do with bread crumbs, it's too easy, too comfortable, for me that is.

Sergio

Hi Sergio

Thanks for you comments. I think I see where you are coming fron about the ending which is kind of predictable in a way. I suppose I could bring in that the brooch clasp is broken - which might refelect her broken relationship ... and mind. Mmm... I'll think on this!

Thank you
Snow

[Eisa]

This has a lot to recommend it. First, unlike so much poetry I've read of late, it is about something IMPORTANT.

My father had Alzheimer's. It took about ten years to do him in.

* * * * *

Some readers might consider much of this as prosy, and react negatively. I don't mind a few lines that are barren of "poetic devices," so long as I am given lines like these --

When their marriage fractured
a tug of war stretched me
until I split into pieces.
Although middle-aged, I was a child.

Best,

Fred

Hi Fred

How nice to see you here again and thank you for reading and commenting on this.

Many people with Alzheimer's are incredibly strong physically and tend to live a long time with this awful disease. My mother (who the poem is about) died from pneumonia, which in some respects was better than deteriorating with the predator.

Yes, I do tend to write rather prose-like at times. I'm glad you like the poem and it had some special significance to you.

I look forward to reading your work again too.

Snow

[Eisa]

A few changes made!

Snow

[Ephiny]

Hi Eisa, I came "visiting" and wondering if I'd ever be able to get back into the habit of commenting and knowing what to say but when I saw the brilliant work here I knew I could and this is just an amazing poem. I read both versions and think your revisions are excellent.


The predator nibbles at recollections
scattering his leftovers. (this is such a powerful image..it takes my breath away)

I saw your father last night (and this line...somehow even without the explanation this line says everything it needs to..although I think the explanation is really well written and important too..the earthquake image is so powerful, as is "in a tremor of aftershock"

The images of everyday things..the cap, the brooch and the photos say so much. You have really skillfully been able to show us the significance of items deeply important and personal to you.


I scrutinize their wedding photo,
all eyes smiling, lips saying Cheese.
His dark waves were intact
… yes, he was handsome. (I love this)

I think he might take me back

When their marriage fractured
a tug of war stretched me
until I split into pieces.
Although middle-aged, I was a child. (such a poignant and beautiful line)

And you finish it in, again, a poignant line...a sense of loss..every line and indeed, word in this poem is doing an important job and showing us, far more than the present situation, but the snapshots of lives and loves.

You did a marvellous job with this and I'm sure it wasn't easy..I'm really glad I read it xxxx

[Daniel Barlow]

it's pretty strong Snow,

i don't know that the title is the greatest or maybe it's that there's no fastening on a particular metaphor. You start off with the earthquake deal and that's quite compelling and then there's a tug of war, and there's the leftovers thing. Altogether, I think it's too much, with the scattering of theme weakening the end result. Like Sergio, I'd rather see it close at the brooch.

Other than that, don't be disheartened, it's sad stuff, and good stuff that is earned by the connections you do make.

db.

[Eisa]

Hi Lucie

Thank you so much for your comments. It really is good to see you back here. I have made some changes since reading Daniel's comments - explained below.

Thank you for reading
Snow

[Eisa]

it's pretty strong Snow,

i don't know that the title is the greatest or maybe it's that there's no fastening on a particular metaphor. You start off with the earthquake deal and that's quite compelling and then there's a tug of war, and there's the leftovers thing. Altogether, I think it's too much, with the scattering of theme weakening the end result. Like Sergio, I'd rather see it close at the brooch.

Other than that, don't be disheartened, it's sad stuff, and good stuff that is earned by the connections you do make.

db.

Hi Daniel

Thanks for your comments which have made me realise that the eaten memories has come from another poem Alzheimer's Mouse - which you might have remembered fro 911.
I have decided to miss out the predator nibbling memories and rewrite the original poem it was taken from, that way the theme might be stronger here.
I've also changed the ending to concentrate on the brooch.

Goos to see you here.
Snow

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Eira, I have come again to reread, the revision is so poignant tears have gathered in the corners of my eyes waiting to spill. It flow with an inner beauty the shines out around the sadness, It weaves the story like a tight basket artistic and yet useful in its telling. There are some really wonderful lines here the last three cause the tears to fall.

Her smile was wide -
unaware the broken butterfly would
not settle on her breast again.

It is a wonder that anyone can withstand such pain and loss, yet we do, and life goes on.

Many hugs for writing this one
take good care
Steve

[Eisa]

Eira, I have come again to reread, the revision is so poignant tears have gathered in the corners of my eyes waiting to spill. It flow with an inner beauty the shines out around the sadness, It weaves the story like a tight basket artistic and yet useful in its telling. There are some really wonderful lines here the last three cause the tears to fall.

Her smile was wide -
unaware the broken butterfly would
not settle on her breast again.

It is a wonder that anyone can withstand such pain and loss, yet we do, and life goes on.

Many hugs for writing this one
take good care
Steve

Thanks for your kind words, Steve. Yes, life goes on and we have to continue as best as we can.
This one came about when I remembered this conversation I had with my mother, when she spoke about my father. She made me smile, somehow, but also made me very sad!

Snow