SEAQUAKE (Chile, 2010.), For critiques Options

[Psyche]

Different version...Ignore first one, sorry!
February 23rd., 2011: And now I'm thinking so sadly about Christchurch, New Zealand. Second earthquake in 6 months. My heart goes out to all these people.


SEAQUAKE

A colossus awakes from the deep,
wielding a three-pronged trident.
Temperamental, often sullen,
Poseidon pounds on seabed crusts.
Serpents of molten rock
flip flaming tails at Earth's underbelly.

Concealed beneath placid seas
and marine radiance,
overlapping, shifting plates
thunder and rumble,
molding majestic tidal waves
on which white horses gallop landward
under twinkling stars.

Awesome becomes awful.

Without stopping to knock on doors,
the earthbound behemoth quakes
fragile timber homes,
indifferent to prayers,
ignoring panic in children’s eyes,
the screams of women, resignation
in old men’s countenances.

Trembling with rage and rage’s blindness,
the Olympian swallows remote villages,
venting his fury with the indifference
of elemental forces
sating their hoggish guts.
He topples slatted porches off their stilts,
snaps green painted stairs,
pins bodies inside fleeing cars
on imploded anti-seismic bridges.

Not content with an infinite minute’s
terrifying tremors,
Poseidon dallies for days in lunatic spurts
of chthonic fury.

Before subsiding into Ocean's hush,
he carelessly flings a child’s sandal
into growths of prickly dogrose.

People gaze helplessly
at blue heaps of bodies,
peer under ragged drapings on Nomen nescio.
…spouse? …child? …friends?

An unwritten script wrecks a million
lives, the deadliest swipes
aimed at the feeblest.
The world haphazardly heeds
wails of a distant land emptied of joy.

O fragile web of life!
We acquiesce to ignorance.

Revision: I've removed one line from S1, and changed the wording a little.


- Nomen nescio, L.,; unknown name, no name, N.N.
- S2, L6: Poseidon was believed to gallop landwards in the form of "white horses"
on the crests of waves.


© Sylvia Evelyn, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2010.
All rights reserved.



First Version

TITAN

A phenomenal monster is reborn
when liquid igneous rock in Earth’s belly
allows floating plaques of her lithosphere
to overlap and shift positions.

Concealed ‘neath placid seas,
the colossus thunders and rumbles,
molding majestic tidal waves rushing landward,
illumined by marine radiance
from glittering stars.

Awesome becomes awful.

Without stopping to knock on doors,
the titan’s talons quake
under fragile timber homes,
indifferent to prayers,
ignoring panic in children’s eyes,
the screams of women, resignation
in old men’s countenances.

Trembling with rage and rage’s blindness,
the monster collapses villages,
venting its fury with the indifference
of elemental forces
feeding their bottomless guts.
It topples slatted porches on stilts,
snaps green painted stairs,
pins bodies inside cars
on imploded anti-seismic bridges.

Not content with a minute’s
infinite fearsome tremors,
it dallies for days in lunatic spurts
of chthonic fury.

Before subsiding into virtual hush,
it carelessly flings a child’s sandal
onto a bed of crushed moonflowers
beside blue heaps of bodies.
People search helplessly, peer under
ragged cloths draping Nomen nescio.
…spouse? …child? …friends?

An unwritten script wrecks a million
lives; the world haphazardly heeds
wails of a distant land emptied of joy.

Are the deadliest swipes
aimed at the feeblest,
in blind Darwinian fashion?

O fragile web of life!
We acquiesce to ignorance.

© Sylvia Evelyn, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2009.

[saore]

Before subsiding into virtual hush,
it carelessly flings a child’s sandal
into growths of prickly rosehip
beside blue heaps of bodies.

The above are my favorite lines, Sylvia. To be honest, I don't like the title. I also think the narrator does not achieve an emotional connection with the reader, perhaps because of the images about the gods. I think that if the narrator explores the devastation the poor feel, and are currently feeling, the narrator might better capture the readers attention. Sorry I could not be more supportive. I do think the poem is a good start.

Sergio

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Sylvia, I think that it is very very good, done very well so quickly after this disaster, And yet again the world is stunned by mother natures hand.

Steve

[Eisa]

Hi Syl

This is great - as Steve says, written so quickly after the event. It sometimes takse me years LOL!

You have some fantastic descriptions here - I think I'll have to come back and give much thought, to do it justice.

Hugs Snow

[Thoth]

Dear Syl,

Titanic words for titanic events!

Nature is indeed more ruthless than any human, it bodies no malice nor sympathy and concerns itself not with the cry of babies or wailing kings but does what it must in the fullness of time. The plight of victims is a human concern for a human tragedy.

Why abbreviate "Beneath"? it is freeform so metre is not impotent. The title could be more descriptive.

A timely and powerful poem, Well Done!!

Hugz,

Wally

[Psyche]

Hola Sergio!
Thanks for dropping in here. I've been away due to family health problems...delayed...

Yes, that's also my favourite bit. In fact, it's rather similar to a stanza I used in some other poem, which I forget now.

I'm keeping Titan for the title. In Argentina, 'titán' is a well-known word, tho' of course not generally related to Greek gods! Perhaps coz there was a T.V. program called 'Titanes en el ring' (Titans in the Ring) and everybody knows the word means extremely powerful & big. And we have the movie 'Titanic'...

Strangely enough, I have another unfinished version of this poem with dialogue and names and feelings.
But no time to polish it off, as I said, due to a series of health problems. I'm sure you'll like it better!

Thanks for your honest appraisal,
saludos, Syl***

Before subsiding into virtual hush,
it carelessly flings a child’s sandal
into growths of prickly rosehip
beside blue heaps of bodies.

The above are my favorite lines, Sylvia. To be honest, I don't like the title. I also think the narrator does not achieve an emotional connection with the reader, perhaps because of the images about the gods. I think that if the narrator explores the devastation the poor feel, and are currently feeling, the narrator might better capture the readers attention. Sorry I could not be more supportive. I do think the poem is a good start.

Sergio

[Psyche]

Dear Steve,

I'm glad you like this poem. Nonetheless, I shall be revising it a little, perhaps simplifying some lines. We'll see!

Yes, the disaster was/is very close to home. The tremors were felt on Argentina's side of the Andean range. It was even registered in my city of Buenos Aires, but few people noticedd it. By coincidence -or not- we had several smaller quakes in 4 of our own provinces, also with frightenng after-tremors. In Chile, the tremors still haven't stopped. Even some more of 7 on the Richter scale.

It was fortunate that the epicentre of the biggie one was out at sea, otherwise the deaths would have been as in Haiti. All the same, the destruction will take years to fix. And just when Chile's economy was doing so very well...so sad. Nature is cruel.

Hope you're doing OK, Steve. Many hugs, Syl***

[Psyche]

Dear Eisa,

Thanks for dropping by, glad you like some of the descriptions... Yes, I wrote it very soon after the event. In fact, it was when I was convalescing from my pneumonia...LOL....It must be true that when one is housebound one's energy travels to the mind!

Any nits are welcome, as usual.

Hugs, Syl***

[Maggie]

Hi Sylvia,

I love it!!! Very, very impressive!!! I also like the title. Think it is very appropriate.
I did see one punctuation error, needed a period instead of a comma. I'll have to come back and show you that another time as it is quite late right now.

Great job imho!!!

Peggy

[Psyche]

Dear Wally,

Yes, I'll see about the titanic wording.... I wrote this when I was still slightly feverish from a bout of summer pneumonia! I have two versions, one is with dialogue, pleas & prayers, screams, that sort of thing. But it's too raw still, I think. Will take a peek at my scribblings if I have time..

I suppose you're right about natural events. We find it hard to think scientifically, so we tend to seek a connection between humankind's stupidity and nature's 'responses'. A Spirit of Earth, angered by our greed and over-exploitation of the planet's resources.

In our Andean regions, where huge explosions by mining corporations create craters the size of a large meteorite's crash to earth, some scientific studies have linked these human actions to the renewed activity of dormant volcanos. In 2009, there were something like 10 important volcanic erruptions in the Andean range of mountains, a sort of domino effect. Some had been dormant for centuries.

Soooooooooo, Wally, one is allowed to wonder & worry, right?

OK, I'll fix 'beneath', thank you. And maybe add something to the title, but keeping 'titan'?

Your help is always appreciated. The delay in answering was not only due to my own health, but also coz my husband had to be rushed to a Coronary Unit when I had just recovered... Ten days for him in hospital, stabilized & back in the nursing-home now. Uncertainty reigns everywhere, Wally dear.

Thanks so much for your interest in my efforts,
hugzzzzz, Syl***

Dear Syl,

Titanic words for titanic events!

Nature is indeed more ruthless than any human, it bodies no malice nor sympathy and concerns itself not with the cry of babies or wailing kings but does what it must in the fullness of time. The plight of victims is a human concern for a human tragedy.

Why abbreviate "Beneath"? it is freeform so metre is not impotent. The title could be more descriptive.

A timely and powerful poem, Well Done!!

Hugz,

Wally

[Eisa]

Hi Syl

As promised I'm back!!

A phenomenal colossus is reborn

A great line to draw the reader in, Syl.

Concealed ‘neath placid seas

I agree with Wally about the abbreviation of beneath - not necessary in FV, although if you wanted a smoother flow - perhaps
Concealed in placid seas

illumined by marine radiance
from glittering stars.

illumined - radiance - glittering

all have similar meanings and perhaps a little overdone for 2 lines.

Awesome becomes awful.

Great line!

Trembling with rage and rage’s blindness
perhaps
Trembling with rage and its blindness

My computer says that Herculean should have a capital H

it carelessly flings a child’s sandal
into growths of prickly rosehip

Awesome image!


Are the deadliest swipes
aimed at the feeblest,
in blind Darwinian fashion?

I'm not sure that this stanza is needed

I hope you are well now Syl. I can understand why you wrote this in the throes of illness - often a time when the muse returns.
I hope something I've said might help in revision - take or toss! Good to see you writing again.

Hugs Snow

[Psyche]

Hi Snow!

I'm back, disgracefully delayed. So sorry. Thanks so much for your in-depth comments.

Hi Syl

As promised I'm back!!

A phenomenal colossus is reborn

A great line to draw the reader in, Syl.

You know, I think I'll remove 'phenomenal'. It's obvious!

Concealed ‘neath placid seas

I agree with Wally about the abbreviation of beneath - not necessary in FV, although if you wanted a smoother flow - perhaps
Concealed in placid seas <<<<<<<< Yes, that's better, tx.

illumined by marine radiance
from glittering stars.

illumined - radiance - glittering <<<<<<<OK, you're so right. Will rev.

all have similar meanings and perhaps a little overdone for 2 lines.

Awesome becomes awful.

Great line! <<<<< Thank you.

Trembling with rage and rage’s blindness
perhaps
Trembling with rage and its blindness <<<<< I understand you, but I was long ago inspired by this sort of repetitive emphasis by some famous poet...LOL....and I kinda like it. I'll see.

My computer says that Herculean should have a capital H <<<<< Not sure when one uses it as an adjective. I'll investigate, tx.

it carelessly flings a child’s sandal
into growths of prickly rosehip

Awesome image! <<<<< Thank you. I believe I must change it to 'dogrose', a similar plant.


Are the deadliest swipes
aimed at the feeblest,
in blind Darwinian fashion?

I'm not sure that this stanza is needed <<<<<<<<<< Perhaps not.

I hope you are well now Syl. I can understand why you wrote this in the throes of illness - often a time when the muse returns.
I hope something I've said might help in revision - take or toss! Good to see you writing again.

Hugs Snow

Everything you say helps in rev, Snow. Sometimes one doesn't rev exactly as others suggest, but all crits make one think and try to do better. Will do.
Hugs, Syl***

[Arnfinn]

G'DAY.

Sylv,

What a blast!

You saw, you watched, you wrote a poem. In sixty seconds.



See See Senora. Well you know what I mean.


Flllabbbagasted...


John

[Eisa]

Everything you say helps in rev, Snow. Sometimes one doesn't rev exactly as others suggest, but all crits make one think and try to do better. Will do.
Hugs, Syl***

That is so true, Syl - sometimes we don't exactly want to use others suggestions, but it sparks off our thoughts to take us in a different direction.

It's so good to see you here - I hope you are well - and Carlos.
Hugs Syl

[Larry]

Hi Sylvia,

Been reading your poem off and on for a few days and thought I might add some things to what has already been said in others crits/suggestions. I'm impressed that you posted this so quickly after the devastation.

S1L1 - I agree with leaving out "phenomenal" as most things which are colossal are also phenomenal.
Would you consider using "wakened" or "awakened" for reborn. After all, plate tectonics is just a sleeping giant.

S1L2 - Leave out “igneous” - that describes solidified rock/magma after it cools, therefore it can‘t be boiling.

S1L3 - Please use “plates”; “plaques" are either awards or something you try to keep off your teeth.

S4L2 - I agree with others about Herculean being capitalized. Whether it is an adjective or noun, it is still descriptive of something only Hercules could accomplish.

S4L4 - Semicolon after forces

S4L5 - Perhaps you could use “sating” instead of “quenching” - quenching is more about thirst.

S4L6 - Consider “from their” or "and their" stilts instead of "on stilts"

S4L8 - Could you change this line to read "fleeing cars"? Fleeting is brief or momentary. The cars may be fleet but they are substantial and semi-permanent.

S6L4 - “blue” out - “bruised and bloodied” in - I don't feel "blue bodies" is descriptive enough for such a horrendous catastrophe.

S7L1 - Maybe "Earth's" unwritten script wrecks a million...


I know this is a lot to mull over and hope I didn't offend. As always, take or toss as you please.

Larry

[Psyche]

Hi Larry,

Thanks so much for your detailed critique. My apologies for delay in replying. My husband has been on and off days, keeps me stressed out etc etc etc....You also know about these things.

Hi Sylvia,

Been reading your poem off and on for a few days and thought I might add some things to what has already been said in others crits/suggestions. I'm impressed that you posted this so quickly after the devastation.

The quake was when I was having a bout with pneumonia in summer! Not being able to move from home, I suppose inspiration filled the void. Buenos Aires trembled a little.

S1L1 - I agree with leaving out "phenomenal" as most things which are colossal are also phenomenal.
Would you consider using "wakened" or "awakened" for reborn. After all, plate tectonics is just a sleeping giant.<<<<<< Yes, I will consider these suggestions in my revision. You're right.

S1L2 - Leave out “igneous” - that describes solidified rock/magma after it cools, therefore it can‘t be boiling. <<<<<< OK, but can I fit in 'magma' instead? Will study this, tx.

S1L3 - Please use “plates”; “plaques" are either awards or something you try to keep off your teeth.<<<<<< LOL....That's my 'Spanglish'. In Spanish it's definitely 'placas', i.e., 'plaques'.

S4L2 - I agree with others about Herculean being capitalized. Whether it is an adjective or noun, it is still descriptive of something only Hercules could accomplish. <<<<<<< OK.

S4L4 - Semicolon after forces <<<<<<< I must re-read, I wrote this so long ago!

S4L5 - Perhaps you could use “sating” instead of “quenching” - quenching is more about thirst<<<<Sounds a good idea. Tx again.

S4L6 - Consider “from their” or "and their" stilts instead of "on stilts" <<<<<< All right.

S4L8 - Could you change this line to read "fleeing cars"? Fleeting is brief or momentary. The cars may be fleet but they are substantial and semi-permanent.<<<<<< I love 'fleeting', but if it's wrong, will change.


S6L4 - “blue” out - “bruised and bloodied” in - I don't feel "blue bodies" is descriptive enough for such a horrendous catastrophe.<<<<<< Here I have to disagree. The bods really do become blue & bloated when there's been a tsunami. My poem is about the small villages that received tidal waves, not just the quake. Shall have to see whether I've made that clear enough. The water washes the blood away, plus bruises go blue.

S7L1 - Maybe "Earth's" unwritten script wrecks a million... <<<<<<Could be, tx, Larry!

I know this is a lot to mull over and hope I didn't offend. As always, take or toss as you please.

Larry, no offense taken on my part. On the contrary, I'm delighted with your knowledge & expertise in the poetical realms... Hope to revise very soon.

Larry

[Psyche]

OMG, Arnie, you always make me smile/laugh with your remarks, and the end result is sometimes I forget to thank you!

I didn't exactly write it in 60 secs, but it probably looks as if I did....LOL...without too much deep thought. First impressions, and now I have a lot to work on here.

Some serious stuff, like using igneous badly....Si señor!!

I just must rev tomorrow and move on...wow....disgraceful.

And where are you hiding out, Arnie? Miss ya...

Syl***

G'DAY.

Sylv,

What a blast!

You saw, you watched, you wrote a poem. In sixty seconds.



See See Senora. Well you know what I mean.


Flllabbbagasted...


John

[Ephiny]

Hi Sylvia!

Bet you didn't expect to see me here..it's been a while and I came visiting today and saw this..wow!

Straight away, my first impression is of your brilliant phrase "awesome becomes awful"..it's superb and really says so much. Just as when disasters such as this strike..we're shocked at the terrible consequences but also fascinated by the sights of nature truly unleashing itself (well, when we're watching on a tv screen.) and by turn back to sheer horror at what is happening..and that's likewise in this magnificent poem..I'm captivated by your marvellous depiction of what is happening:

Concealed ‘neath placid seas,
the monster thunders and rumbles,
molding majestic tidal waves rushing landward,
illumined by marine radiance,
twinkling stars.

and then you skillfully remind us of the terrible effects:

indifferent to prayers,
ignoring panic in children’s eyes,
the screams of women, resignation
in old men’s countenances.

your capture the sheer fury and relentless of the movement and the mercilessness of the situation

it dallies for days in lunatic spurts
of chthonic fury.(wow..what a brilliant line)

before showing us the aftermath..the child's sandal, the "heaps" of bodies and this poignant question

Are the deadliest swipes
aimed at the feeblest,
in blind Darwinian fashion?

I loved how you finish and this poem is just a work of art..I'm so glad I read it xx

[Psyche]

Hey Lucie, what a lovely surprise to meet you at MM!! It's been a long time... I do hope you're posting your marvellous poetry here again. I've missed it so much, you can't imagine.

Thank you for commenting my poem. I learn so much from you.
Having said that, I now find that I've totally changed this piece, so much so that I think I ought to post it separately or bin one version...LOL...It often happens with me, I just go off on another tangent without realising.

Hi Sylvia!

Bet you didn't expect to see me here..it's been a while and I came visiting today and saw this..wow!

HAHA....no, I didn't expect you here!

Straight away, my first impression is of your brilliant phrase "awesome becomes awful"..it's superb and really says so much. Just as when disasters such as this strike..we're shocked at the terrible consequences but also fascinated by the sights of nature truly unleashing itself (well, when we're watching on a tv screen.) and by turn back to sheer horror at what is happening..and that's likewise in this magnificent poem..I'm captivated by your marvellous depiction of what is happening: <<<<<<<< Thank you!

Concealed ‘neath placid seas,
the monster thunders and rumbles,
molding majestic tidal waves rushing landward,
illumined by marine radiance,
twinkling stars.

and then you skillfully remind us of the terrible effects:

indifferent to prayers,
ignoring panic in children’s eyes,
the screams of women, resignation
in old men’s countenances.

your capture the sheer fury and relentless of the movement and the mercilessness of the situation <<<<I tried to...

it dallies for days in lunatic spurts
of chthonic fury.(wow..what a brilliant line) <<<<<< Tx!

before showing us the aftermath..the child's sandal, the "heaps" of bodies and this poignant question

Are the deadliest swipes
aimed at the feeblest,
in blind Darwinian fashion? <<<<<<<< I've changed this, but don't really know what I should do. I really believe I shall just archive my two versions and move forward to something else.

I loved how you finish and this poem is just a work of art..I'm so glad I read it xx

Wow, you uplift me, Lucie. I've been quite mute these months. Too much to deal with, personally.
Many hugs xoxo

[Psyche]

I want to thank you all for helping me with this poem, Larry, Eisa, Wally, Ephiny, Arnie, Saore.

But I also must apologize for changing it SO much. I just went in a different direction and I would love it if some of you have time to tell me whether I should just keep the two versions. I often do that! I actually have a third version hidden away... crazy!

All comments & crits welcome, as usual. I've actually used nearly all of the ideas you gave me, except that I moved them around, juggling with the timing of the lines...

Hugs, Syl***