Childhood, 2nd revision, thanks to Liz, Snow and Vess Options

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Childhood

2nd Revision

Arms outstretched like wings,
mouths making engine sounds
we played airplanes.
Running down grass fields
plants waist high, bare foot
our toes turn green.
Laughing we soared over homes,
free like birds playing sky tag.
At an outside faucet,
we took turns
wetting our faces,
hollering,
handfuls of cold water
flung like bullets
attacking each other.
All the way down to
a private boat dock,
cannonball crash into the lake.
Our dandelion parachutes
float on breezeless
scorched mornings.
Kicking up dust
from a graveled road,
we rush across a swaying wooden bridge,
our look down to the creek below,
a canyon deeper for us
more than anything ‘Grand’.
We’d buy penny candy
before our lunch, peanut-butter, jelly,
marshmallow delights.
An improvised picnic,
interspersed with tales
of yesterdays adventuring.
Of pinky swears,
truth or dares,
sleeping under stars.


First Revision

Arms outstretched like wings,
mouths making engine sounds
we played airplanes.
Running down grass fields
plants waist high, bare foot
our toes turn green.
Laughing we soared over homes,
free like birds playing sky tag.
At an outside faucet,
we took turns
wetting our faces,
hollering, handfuls of cold water
flung like bullets
attacking each other.
All the way down to
a private boat dock,
cannonball crash into the lake.
Our dandelion parachutes
float on breezeless
scorched mornings.
Kicking up dust
from a graveled road,
we rush across a swaying wooden bridge,
our look down to the creek below,
a canyon deeper for us
more than anything ‘Grand’.
We’d buy penny candy
‘fore lunch, peanut-butter, jelly,
marshmallow delights.
An improvised picnic,
interspersed with tales
of yesterdays adventuring.
Of pinky swears,
truth or dares,
sleeping under stars.


Original

We played airplanes
arms outstretched as wings,
mouths making engine sounds.
Running down grass fields
plants waist high bare foot
turning our toes green.
Laughing we soared over homes,
free like birds playing sky tag.
Taking breaks to drink from an outside faucet,
wetting our faces,
hollering, handfuls of cold water
flung like bullets
attacking each other.
All the way down to
a private boat dock,
cannonball crash into the lake.
Our dandelion parachutes
float on breezeless
scorched mornings.
Kicking up dust
from a graveled road,
we rush across a swaying wooden bridge,
our look down to the creek below,
a canyon deeper for us
more than anything ‘Grand’.
We’d buy penny candy
‘fore lunch, peanut-butter, jelly,
marshmallow delights.
An improvised picnic,
interspersed with tales
of yesterdays adventuring.
Of pinky swears,
truth or dares,
sleeping under stars.

[Ephiny]

Hi Steve,

I was right there with you as I read this poem...I could feel very bit of the breeze and the sense of wonder and freedom that it is really only possible to appreciate, sadly, when the time has gone! I enjoyed this so much, will be back to read over and over.

My only small suggestion (and feel free to ignore) is in line 8..I felt that maybe you might like to say "like birds" or something similar rather than "free as birds".

I love the fact that you have no stanzas, just lines after each other because it conveys the sense of movement and release, as do lines such as "Kicking up dust from a barely graveled road" and I think these lines are superb

Our dandelion parachutes
float on breezeless
scorched mornings

They give a sense of "anything is possible"!

Love your last three lines too...there's magic, nostalgia and pure memory there.

As you can see, I really enjoyed this poem!

[AMETHYST]

Oh STEVE... (I mean Oh my goodness Steve) LOL

You've captured the innocense that we enjoyed in make believe and the possibilities of freeing ourselves into all that was around us. As I read, my own memories of childhood days; flying like a bird, a plane ... a free soul soaring... riding our bikes being Evil Knevil and reaching the stars in everything we did is felt, seen and is awakened in your poem.

I especially loved the final lines. There is a sigh in it, that reminded me of how both myself as the reader and the implied sense of the poet understood that innocence and wish in the world of our adult life we could grab hold of it again.

Just a couple of little minor thoughts to follow. Please use what might be helpful and discard the rest - but more importantly, thank you for the flight back in time to a much more peaceful place...

Blessings and Best Regards, Liz

turning our toes green.

I thought the image could do without this line. It seemed to break the hold the poem already had on me, drawing me into this movie like vision. It comes out of no where and is sort of awkward. Perhaps you wanted to show the children barefoot (implied by toes green from the grass) if so, then perhaps -

'bare foot, toes turned green'

Laughing as we soared over homes,
free as birds playing sky tag.

Perhaps omitting 'as' after Laughing.

Kicking up dust from
a barely graveled road,

I would suggest bringing down 'from ' to the next line and perhaps omit barely.

we rush across a swaying wooden bridge,
our look down to the creek below,
a canyon deeper for us
more than anything ‘Grand’.

Love this image and how you show how the 'grand canyon' would lack in compareson. Nice.

an improvised picnic,
interspersed with tales
of yesterdays adventuring.
Of pinky swears,
truth or dares,
sleeping under stars.

Wonderful ending lines. This is a poem in itself.
Thank you Steve for a most fond read.

BLessings, Liz

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Lucie and Liz, thanks for reading, enjoying and the comments, Childhood is such a time of innocence and I think most of us probably had the most innocent ones of all, before TV became a baby sitter, before electronic became the be and end all of games, when you could walk by yourself at the age of eight to the local store and not have your parents worry that you might not come back. I remember days of boredom and wish now I could go back and just enjoy them so much more now than I did then. I have done some minor changes thanks for the suggestions.
Steve

[Eisa]

Hi Steve - I did enjoy reading this and it brought back so many memories. It is good to reminisce.
Just a few thoughts

Childhood

We played airplanes
arms outstretched [as] like wings,
mouths making engine sounds.

I'm just wondering what it might sound like if the lines were rearraged to

Arms outstretched [as] like wings,
mouths making engine sounds,
we played airplanes.

That way it entices the reader to guess what you were doing in the first 2 lines and then realise they were right, by the 3rd. Just a thought.

Running down grass fields
plants waist high bare foot
turning our toes green.

Perhaps - bare toes turning green would be more concise

Laughing we soared over homes,
free like birds playing sky tag.
Taking breaks to drink from an outside faucet,
wetting our faces,
hollering, handfuls of cold water
flung like bullets
attacking each other.

Break-time drinks were form an outside faucet
where we wet our faces

All the way down to
a private boat dock,
cannonball crash into the lake.
Our dandelion parachutes
float on breezeless
scorched mornings.

I remember that weather!

Kicking up dust
from a graveled road,
we rush across a swaying wooden bridge,
our look down to the creek below,
a canyon deeper for us
more than anything ‘Grand’.
We’d buy penny candy
‘fore lunch, peanut-butter, jelly,
marshmallow delights.
An improvised picnic,

I remember a similar picnic with liquorice alsorts, crisps & bottles of lemonade

interspersed with tales
of yesterdays adventuring.
Of pinky swears,
truth or dares,
sleeping under stars.

I did wonder weather this might be better in seperate stanzas, but I can see Epiphany's point that one long stanza might emphasize the movement of the poem.

A great read - great nostalgia. Thanks!

Snow

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Thank you Snow for your wonderful insights yet again, Am glad to see you back along with others that have been amoung the missing for a while. It might take me awhile to revise as the medication I am now on makes it hard for me to concentrate sometimes and lose some words. But it is amazing how crystal clear those young days come haunting.
Steve

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Liz and Snow, as you see I have come back and revised, please let me know what you think of the revisions...much thanks again.
Steve

[vessq]

Hello ohsteve,

I liked this poem. good work. I agreed with most of the comments. The only suggestion I have, with this caveat (If a suggestion does not cause you to smite the forehead with a "why did I not think of that" exclamation.) Ignore the suggestion. It is your poem after all and a good one just as it is.

I would remove the 'fore lunch. I think it would help the flow of the line and is not essential information.

Vess

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Vess, thanks for stpping by and reading, and the comments. I think I have to leave that in otherwise it would read as though we bought the penny candy and the PBJ+M sandwiches. That may be just the way I am looking at it... anyone else care to give a hint on that line or any other line?
Steve

[Eisa]

Hi Steve - I have to admit I didn't altogether like the abbreviation to 'fore and would have prefered the whole word left. As an alternative, how about something like --


We’d buy penny candy --
then for lunch, peanut-butter, jelly,
marshmallow delights.


Just a small thought, I feel that 'handfuls of cold water should stand alone

we took turns
wetting our faces,hollering,
handfuls of cold water
flung like bullets
attacking each other.

or even

we took turns
wetting our faces,
hollering,
handfuls of cold water
flung like bullets
attacking each other.

Just the way I see things, not necessarily right for you.

Eira

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Eira, after rereading several more times, I will agree with Vess and you that 'fore just isn't right, while I was at it changed the 'handfuls of cold water' also. Thanks again to everyone.
Steve

[Eisa]

Snow

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Snow thanks for the aclamation on the revision...yea!
Steve