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Familiar Warmth (revision 3), FV CR *** |
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Jun 22 10, 05:36
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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REVISION 3
I've rearranged the stanzas - hope its improved!
Familiar Warmth
I settle opposite my hubby, where a window table pampers us with welcome refreshments,
Mam’s sitting here with us. My stare declares he mustn’t sneer, as he peers up from the Daily News, closed mouth smile indulging me.
I flip through my memory pages until I’m lunching here with her, munching ham and salad bagels. We gaze through the glass at the crowded car park, where bargain hunters cram their trunks with treasure.
After our rummage through the mall, we relished time for energy renewal, gulping cups of gossip to quench curiosity.
Her laughter, a gurgling geyser, often erupted to drench me.
Is it the sun’s embrace through the window - or the mug of steaming Yorkshire tea?
Years after her departure that familiar warmth we shared radiates from my core until even my fingertips tingle.
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Familiar Warmth (revision 2 + a few tweaks)
Bulging shopping bags weigh against the wall where a window table pampers us with welcome refreshments.
I flip through my memory pages until I’m lunching here with her, munching ham & salad bagels. We gaze through the glass into the crowded car park, where bargain hunters cram their trunks with treasure.
After our rummage through the shopping mall, we relished time for energy renewal, gulping cups of gossip to quench curiosity.
Her laughter, a gurgling geyser, often erupted to drench me.
Mam’s sitting here with us.
Today, seated opposite hubby, my stare dares him not to sneer as he peers up from the Daily News, closed mouth smile indulging me.
Is it the sun's embrace through the window - or the mug of steaming Yorkshire tea -or just this old haunt?
Years after her departure that familiar warmth we shared radiates from my core until even my fingertips tingle.
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Recent tweaks
St 1 L3 was
a window table pleasures us
St2 was
I flip through my memory pages until I’m lunching here with her, munching ham & salad bagels as we gazed through the glass into the crowded car park, where bargain hunters crammed their trunks with treasure.
St3 L4 was
drinking cups of gossip
Last but one St L1 was
Is it the sunrays’ embrace
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Familiar Warmth (revision 1)
Parked on the padded chairs at the window table we are pleasured by refreshments; bulging shopping bags loll against the wall.
I flip through my memory pages until I’m lunching here with her, munching ham & salad bagels; we gazed through the glass into the crowded car park, where bargain hunters crammed their trunks with treasure.
After our rummage through the shopping mall, we relished time for energy renewal, drinking cups of gossip to quench curiosity. Her laughter, a gurgling geyser, often erupted to drench me.
Mam’s sitting here with us.
Today, perched opposite hubby, my stare dares him not to sneer. Peering up from the Daily News his closed mouth smile indulges me.
Is it the sunrays embrace through the window - or the mug of steaming Yorkshire tea -or just this old haunt? … but
years after her departure that familiar warmth we shared, radiates from my core until even my fingertips tingle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL
Familiar Warmth
Parked on the padded chairs at the window table we are pleasured by refreshments; bulging shopping bags weigh against the wall.
I recall , lunching here with her, munching chicken & salad bagels; we gazed through the glass as bargain hunters cram their trunks with treasure.
After our rummage through the shopping mall we relished time for energy renewal drinking cups of gossip to quench curiosity. Her laughter, a gurgling geyser, often erupted to drench me.
Today, I perch opposite my husband Mam’s sitting here with us - my stare dares him not to sneer. Peering up from the Daily News his closed mouth smile indulges me.
Is it the sunrays embrace through the window - or the mug of steaming Yorkshire tea -or just this old haunt? … but
years after her departure that familiar warmth we shared, radiates from my core until even my fingertips tingle.
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Jun 24 10, 05:22
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 847
Joined: 14-November 03
From: Ireland
Member No.: 41
Real Name: Lucie
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Hello Snow,
I really loved this..that last line just took me breath away and as I read, I could not only picture the scene of the shopping mall and watching the shoppers but then have this wonderful glimpse into a treasured memory and it's such a testament to your writing that you can share such a personal and important memory and allow the reader to "see" so clearly, not just the memory but your thoughts about it now. I think it's beautiful. I put in a few suggestions and they're only small so please feel free to ignore!!
Familiar Warmth
Parked on the padded chairs at the window table we are pleasured by refreshments; bulging shopping bags weigh against the wall. (I wondered about using "weighted" as so often the more shopping we have, the harder to keep the bags sitting upright?! Only a tiny detail though)
I recall , lunching here with her, (do you need "I recall"..just a thought..) munching chicken & salad bagels; we gazed through the glass as bargain hunters cram their trunks with treasure. (should "cram" be "crammed"?)
After our rummage through the shopping mall we relished time for energy renewal drinking cups of gossip to quench curiosity. Her laughter, a gurgling geyser, often erupted to drench me. (brilliant and lovely image)
Today, I perch opposite my husband (how about "today, perched opposite my husband?") Mam’s sitting here with us - (as such a powerful line..would this work in itallics? or even standing alone above the stanza then going on to the line with your husband?) my stare dares him not to sneer. Peering up from the Daily News his closed mouth smile indulges me. (so well described..)
Is it the sunrays embrace through the window - or the mug of steaming Yorkshire tea -or just this old haunt? … but
years after her departure that familiar warmth we shared, radiates from my core until even my fingertips tingle.
I adore these last two stanzas..wouldn't change a think about them and that final line..such a beautiful way of showing the extraordinary in a routine event shared with someone so special..this is really marvellous and I'm so glad I read it xx
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Lucie "What could have made her peaceful with a mind That nobleness made simple as a fire, With beauty like a tightened bow, a kind That is not natural in an age like this, Being high and solitary and most stern? Why, what could she have done, being what she is? Was there another Troy for her to burn?" WB Yeats "No Second Troy" MM Award Winner
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Jun 24 10, 16:36
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Hi Lucie You have offered me some great suggestions here which I shall be using in a revision. I am so glad you enjoyed reading this - it's really great to have you back! Snow
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Jun 29 10, 16:14
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Hi Lucie I've taken on board your comments and made a revision. Thanks for your help. Snow
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Jun 29 10, 20:54
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 1,547
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia
Member No.: 13
Real Name: Daniah
Writer of: Poetry
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Hey hny,
This is so nostalgic and deeply touching. I love the revision and will come back for a more thorough comment
hugs dani
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Jul 2 10, 15:23
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Hi Dani - I have missed you! I look forward to your return. Hugs Snow
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Jul 4 10, 17:18
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry
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Hi Eira,
I loved this peom. Loved your husband and his reaction, lol. I thought the one line here-
as bargain hunters crammed their trunks with treasure. "Their trunks" gives me this image of an attic trunk, and that they are carrying around these huge bulky things with them to shop. You used "bags" earlier, is there another word perhaps? That was my only little nit, in this wonderful poem. Good to see you!
K
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Jul 6 10, 10:39
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Hi Karen - good to see you. Thanks for pointing out that line - I have been wondering about that part myself. Firstly, I don't think I've made it clear that the cafe overlooked the car park - so the trunks were the car boots. I've made an alteration there which might make it clearer, but I might change it again later. Snow
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Jul 15 10, 13:33
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Hi Snow, I've been meaning to get in here and today, I finally had a few minutes to comment. I enjoyed the revision and the changes thus far and the sentiments portrayed throughout. I have a few notes below for you to ponder as you wish. [add] {delete} Parked on {the} padded chairs at the window table we are pleasured by refreshments; bulging shopping bags loll against the wall. --Preferred ‘weigh’ for alliteration to wall. To slightly change the intro, here is an inversion of the lines for you to ponder:Bulging shopping bags weigh against a wall where the window table finds us pleasured by refreshments – Atop padded chairs (if you feel this line necessary).I flip through my memory pages --Luv this!until I’m lunching here with her, munching ham & salad bagels; --Perhaps change to endstop or start next line with ‘as we gazed’.we gazed through the glass into the crowded car park, where bargain hunters crammed their trunks with treasure. After our rummage through the shopping mall, we relished time for energy renewal, drinking cups of gossip to quench curiosity. –Nice stanza!Her laughter, a gurgling geyser, --I would make this its own stanza.often erupted to drench me. Mam’s sitting here with us.Today, perched opposite hubby, --Not sure I understand the word ‘perched’ as I keep thinking of a bird.my stare dares him not to sneer. Peering up from the Daily News his closed mouth smile indulges me. A bit wordy stanza = perhaps this might be a pleasing sub for you?Today, perched opposite hubby, my stare dares him not to sneer as he peers up from the Daily News: closed mouth smile indulging me.Is it the sunrays embrace –I’d like to see an apostrophe in sunrays’through the window - or the mug of steaming Yorkshire tea -or just this old haunt? … but --I would eliminate the ellipse and the word ‘but’ here.years after her departure –If you eliminate the ‘but’ above, capitalize years. that familiar warmth we shared, --delete this commaradiates from my core until even my fingertips tingle. –I would move the word ‘tingle’ down.Very nice poem Snow! Enjoyed the read! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jul 18 10, 22:04
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
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From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry
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Ha! much better- I get it now!
K
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Jul 19 10, 16:55
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Hi Lori So glad to have your thoughts on this - you have targeted areas I was uncertain of, so your critique has been very fruitful. Revsion coming soon. Snow
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Jul 19 10, 16:56
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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QUOTE (anaisa @ Jul 19 10, 04:04 ) Ha! much better- I get it now!
K Great! Snow
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Guest_bombadil1247_*
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Jul 20 10, 06:07
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Guest
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Hi, Snow, long time no read, and that's been my loss. Again, I'm a late arrival and most of the work has been done. I still see a couple of things you might want to consider, so with your permission, QUOTE I flip through my memory pages until I’m lunching here with her, munching ham & salad bagels as we gazed through the glass into the crowded car park, where bargain hunters crammed their trunks with treasure. L2 of this strophe brings this into the present so I think your tense choices should reflect this, ie 'gazing' for 'as we gazed' and 'cram' for 'crammed'. QUOTE After our rummage through the shopping mall, we relished time for energy renewal, drinking cups of gossip to quench curiosity. I really like the image of 'cups of gossip' but feel you could use something like 'cuddling' rather than 'drinking' to strengthen the image and the alliteration. QUOTE Is it the sunrays’ embrace through the window - or the mug of steaming Yorkshire tea -or just this old haunt? Not really happy with 'sunrays' in line 1 here, why not just 'sun's'? My final thought is on the choice of 'pleasures' in s1,l3 - I can see what you mean but that word has such sexual connotations that I wonder if it's appropriate - perhaps the more obvious 'pampers' or perhaps 'eases' here? Yours to use or lose of course, Jim
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Jul 21 10, 16:26
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Hi Jim - it's good to see you again and have your thoughts on my poem.QUOTE I flip through my memory pages until I’m lunching here with her, munching ham & salad bagels as we gazed through the glass into the crowded car park, where bargain hunters crammed their trunks with treasure. L2 of this strophe brings this into the present so I think your tense choices should reflect this, ie 'gazing' for 'as we gazed' and 'cram' for 'crammed'. Well spotted Jim! I have changed the beginning of this stanza from the original, which has indeed changed the tense. I will change that straight away.QUOTE After our rummage through the shopping mall, we relished time for energy renewal, drinking cups of gossip to quench curiosity. I really like the image of 'cups of gossip' but feel you could use something like 'cuddling' rather than 'drinking' to strengthen the image and the alliteration. Mmm... not sure that cuddling suits my intent, but perhaps I can think of something stronger than drinking.QUOTE Is it the sunrays’ embrace through the window - or the mug of steaming Yorkshire tea -or just this old haunt? Not really happy with 'sunrays' in line 1 here, why not just 'sun's'? Yes - I agree with you hereMy final thought is on the choice of 'pleasures' in s1,l3 - I can see what you mean but that word has such sexual connotations that I wonder if it's appropriate - perhaps the more obvious 'pampers' or perhaps 'eases' here? I have had my doubts about pleasures - I really like pampers though.
I'm off to do some tweaking! Thanks Jim
Snow
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Jan 20 11, 16:55
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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I've made some changes to this one - hope it's improved. Snow
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Jan 21 11, 07:38
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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I look forward to reading them later, Snow!
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jan 22 11, 19:09
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Jan 21 11, 12:38 ) I look forward to reading them later, Snow! Look forward to your comments, Lori. Snow
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