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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Jun 8 10, 23:58
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#1
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 Babylonian  Posts: 138 Joined: 11-May 10 From: california Member No.: 1,120 Real Name: karen Writer of: Poetry  |
I love your irreverent smile,
unbeliever-man. And the way your Godless hand slips beneath heaven to proclaim it bare. Moses in the desert, breaking plates, screwing rules. Your I-don't-care song drips from agnostic lips, whispering do not pray— and in some confession-halting way, I feel angelic. ·······  ······· |
  
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Jun 9 10, 02:04
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#2
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 Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends |
Dear Karen,
This is very sensual, and I can think of nothing I would have you change, except the title, which if it were mine, would be "BELIEVING", thus pointing up your, um, eventual conviction v. his lack of faith. Love Alan ······· ······· |
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Jun 9 10, 04:08
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#3
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 Creative Chieftain Posts: 847 Joined: 14-November 03 From: Ireland Member No.: 41 Real Name: Lucie Writer of: Poetry & Prose |
Hello,
I really love how you end this..it's just perfect and really fitting. Your wording is great...everything just fits very well with the languid and sensual tone of the poem. I love: Moses in the desert, breaking plates, screwing rules. I like Alan's suggestion about the title..I think it would fit really well. Really enjoyed this xx ······· ·······Lucie
"What could have made her peaceful with a mind That nobleness made simple as a fire, With beauty like a tightened bow, a kind That is not natural in an age like this, Being high and solitary and most stern? Why, what could she have done, being what she is? Was there another Troy for her to burn?" WB Yeats "No Second Troy" MM Award Winner      |
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Jun 10 10, 01:20
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#4
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Babylonian Posts: 138 Joined: 11-May 10 From: california Member No.: 1,120 Real Name: karen Writer of: Poetry |
Hi Alan,
Thanks for the comments, I was trying out "another voice" which doesn't hurt every now and then. I was turned down by an editor the other day, and so I wrote a few poems that were almost the opposite of what I generally write-- and he accepted them, lol. So I guess it's good to be flexible. Yeah, the title has to go! K ······· ······· |
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Jun 10 10, 18:59
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#5
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 Assyrian Posts: 262 Joined: 4-February 09 Member No.: 756 Real Name: Robin DeWalt Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Winning Writer's web site |
Hi Karen -
You always amaze me with your original and interesting writing, this one is no different. This reminds me of a Catholic school girl who has tossed aside the strict rules impressed upon her for many years by nuns for the love of a man. I really admire the way you string words together to convey the message. Robin ······· ······· |
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Jun 10 10, 23:25
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#6
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 8,853 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Hi Karen! I enjoyed this poem very much. It's sensual in a highly original fashion, and I like the way some of your lines have end-rhymes. Cool.. Oh dear, we do tend to fall for guys who think differently. Hope the MC doesn't try to convert him! BTW, does 'Godless' need caps? Thanks for sharing this piece, Syl*** ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner          |
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Jun 13 10, 18:26
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#7
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 Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Karen
I really love this one - you must try your 'other voice' more often - and yes, I suppose it is good to be flexible. I also wondered whether Godless should have a capital letter. No nits on this one. Great read Snow 
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner   |
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| Guest_ohsteve_* |
Jun 13 10, 21:18
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#8
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Karen, what a change up in writing, definitely use this other 'voice' at times, makes for an interesting poem, I would have left godless without the cap.
Take care Steve |
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Jun 20 10, 23:15
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#9
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Babylonian Posts: 138 Joined: 11-May 10 From: california Member No.: 1,120 Real Name: karen Writer of: Poetry |
Hi Ephiny,
Thank you, I appreciate your comments. K ······· ······· |
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Jun 21 10, 10:27
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#10
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Karen.
 Oooooh - I like this!  I enjoyed all your word choices and the imagery is really good. I'm not expert in FV poetry although I think the 'look' of this could be drawn out a bit for us readers to linger over more so if you were to add some white space. There are MANY memorable phrases - my suggestion would be to italize some of them - perhaps these 'key' ones? I love your irreverent smile, unbeliever-man. And the way your Godless hand slips beneath heaven to proclaim it bare. Moses in the desert, breaking plates, screwing rules. Your I-don't-care song drips from agnostic lips, whispering do not pray— and in some confession-halting way, I feel angelic. Enjoyed, ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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